Am I overreacting?

[Nadine123]

Hi all, I hope you're having a great weekend.

 

I've been dating this guy for over a month now. Things have been going great and he's treated me nothing but amazing to be completely honest. He went on holiday to Greece a week ago and even messaged me yesterday saying he bought me a present and that he really misses me.

 

Something I noticed since he went on holiday is that he's constantly liking and commenting on random girls pics who live there. I'm not stalking him, but it shows on my Instagram or facebook feed, which obviously led to me further snooping. Anyone who uses social media here would know. I'm a bit confused, because we agreed to not date/hook up with anyone else until he comes back, and if he was that interested in me, he wouldn't be interested in anyone else.

 

My dating and relationship history is absolute crap. Ive been in nothing but physically and mentally abusive relationships, and the last guy who really liked me, I ended up pushing him away and treating him like crap (I take full responsibility for that by the way). I also have really bad anxiety that Im seeking therapy for and working really hard on, so I'm worried I might take a bad decision.

 

One thing my previous relationship taught me is not to allow anyone to treat me like crap or take advantage of me. Am I overreacting to get upset about this?

 

Thank you so much in advance

[Gretchen12]

I would say it is not overreacting to be upset, but it is overreacting to act on it. That seems to be the main difference between people with impulse control and those who don't. Ironically many people with poor impulse control end up staying in abusive relationships. Wisdom lies in choosing what to tolerate.

 

The advice you seek rarely completely eases your mind. And we know nothing about the guy. Your feelings are valid. Instead of trying to control your feelings, control your actions. When I say not acting on it, I mean also, no little insinuating remarks, or acting distant, or little tit for tat, or full on snooping. You DO have full control of your actions.

 

At just over a month of dating, you can only wait and see. When you fear getting hurt, the impulse is to cut and run. But it is too early to do that. You will regret. You don't have enough information. Often in the early stages of dating people see random little blips. Some blips are indicative, some not. A person's true character is revealed over time. Give it at least another month. If all goes well, you need to not hold grudge on what he did while in Greece.

[Nadine123]

Thank you for your advice. I definitely do cut and run when I feel like I will get hurt.

 

I haven't acted on it, and I won't but it's important to identify red flags from the start. He never used to do things like that when he was here so that's why I'm a bit confused. Also, why would he say the things he says to me when he's obviously interested in other girls.

 

I might be overreacting but I genuinely do like him, and as I said before he has been nothing but kind and amazing to me.

[smackie9]

So you two are "exclusively" dating or "exclusively" in a relaitonship? or you two have just been out on like 5 dates?

[kendahke]

we agreed to not date/hook up with anyone else until he comes back, and if he was that interested in me, he wouldn't be interested in anyone else.

 

One of two things are afoot:

 

1. he's being young, social and in the moment, a.k.a. enjoying his vacation. Him liking pics of people he's just met in Greece while on vacation is just that and nothing more. Does not mean he's dating anyone or hooking up, so don't project that onto him for him to carry.

 

or

 

2. he paid you lip service. He's not interested in being devoted to you right now and never had any intention on reining this behavior in

 

But check it out: if he really is doing that, then now is the time to cut the line and let him drift to where he wants to be. You really have nothing much invested in him. Your hopes, right now, are for you to manage, not him. Best way to do that is to live in the present and not in the future.

 

At one month in, you're right in the part of new relationships where the "on their best behavior" representatives are being dismissed so that the "real him/her" can come to the fore. This is when the incompatibilities rise up and weak foundation relationships fail. If you don't have your issues resolved before entering into something new, then you're going to find your baggage being constantly delivered and that will lead to the relationship failing--and I'm talking about both people and what they didn't resolved before getting into something new.

 

I also have really bad anxiety that Im seeking therapy for and working really hard on, so I'm worried I might take a bad decision.

 

If you're worried you might make a bad decision, then you probably shouldn't be trying to be in a relationship until this aspect of your judgement is resolved. That will make going forward so much easier.

 

I think that because you really haven't resolved your judgement issue, you have no place to place your trust. If you can't trust yourself and your decisions, then it's too easy to over-react and blow things up past what they actually are.

 

You're basically in a new situationship with a stranger who planned and then took a vacation he's been planning and looking forward to probably since before he met you. That on its face is a definition of insecurity and because of that, at this point in things, you have to get your expectations in alignment with the length of time you've invested in this guy--which is barely one month. If he isn't deeply aware of the impact of him liking pictures of women in Greece that he's met, then he needs to know so that he can either stop it or hide his movements from you if he intends upon doing what he likes despite your feelings about it.

 

Now is the time to slow your roll and observe how his actions and his words line up. Asbestos should be all in the air for your right now.

[guest569]

"we agreed to not date/hook up with anyone else until he comes back"

 

What the? You're going to date and hook up with others once he returns? That must have been a strange conversation. You're not quite exclusive. How many dates have you been on?

 

What sort of photos is he liking and commenting on?

[stillafool]

Just for the record 90% of the population has been hurt in a relationship, been lied to and cheated on and have experienced anxiety from such. So what you are feeling isn't anything new. No one can guarantee that they won't get hurt in this life.

[Nadine123]

So you two are "exclusively" dating or "exclusively" in a relaitonship? or you two have just been out on like 5 dates?

 

I'd say exclusively dating. We are supposedly going go talk about six when he's back. About ten dates and one weekend trip together.

[Nadine123]

One of two things are afoot:

 

<snip>

 

Wow thank you so much. I appreciate the time you took to write all of this.

Edited September 23, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Truncate quote

[Nadine123]

"we agreed to not date/hook up with anyone else until he comes back"

 

What the? You're going to date and hook up with others once he returns? That must have been a strange conversation. You're not quite exclusive. How many dates have you been on?

 

What sort of photos is he liking and commenting on?

 

Lol no no. I meant we both shouldnt hook up or date anyone until he's back ( as in to have the talk)

[guest569]

We are supposedly going go talk about six when he's back.

 

Six? Is that kiwi for sex?

[guest569]

The reason I ask about the nature of the photos is.. If they are all photos of women in their bikinis pouting their lips to the camera I would be mad. If they are photos of their holiday or their cat or their dinner I wouldn't care so much. If there are photos of male friends mixed in there, even better. If it's just all sexy girls then he is a creepy sleaze.

[Nadine123]

Six? Is that kiwi for sex?

 

Hahahahaha talk about it* yes I guess it's just girls pouring here and there. Let's see

[guest569]

yes I guess it's just girls pouring here and there.

 

Pouring martinis?

[Nadine123]

Pouring martinis?

 

hahahaha no no. pouting* I type on my phone and the autocorrect is crap.

 

He hasn't texted in over 3 days anyway so I'm guessing he's over it with all the other factor. He's only holiday now so I don't expect much.

 

I think the fact that I have so much anxiety over this shows that Im not ready for a relationship.

[guest569]

hahahaha no no. pouting* I type on my phone and the autocorrect is crap.

 

He hasn't texted in over 3 days anyway so I'm guessing he's over it with all the other factor. He's only holiday now so I don't expect much.

 

I think the fact that I have so much anxiety over this shows that Im not ready for a relationship.

 

I think it would probably be a concern to most. It doesn't mean you're not ready, just means you're wary. It's OK to be a little wary when you've been hurt before, and in the early stages of a new relationship.

[Versacehottie]

hahahaha no no. pouting* I type on my phone and the autocorrect is crap.

 

He hasn't texted in over 3 days anyway so I'm guessing he's over it with all the other factor. He's only holiday now so I don't expect much.

 

I think the fact that I have so much anxiety over this shows that Im not ready for a relationship.

 

I think you are doing ok. That would be cutting and running, wouldn't it? What would make a person "more ready" in your case? I think if he is still good and kind, working through it will help you "be ready" more than anything. A lot of anxiety is caused by feeling like you have to out-strategize and can't speak up.

 

Some people react by cutting and running rather than getting better at seeing something through. Which doesn't promise a perfect outcome, or even a good one, with him though. BUT you will get practice at stating your needs, dealing with your anxious feelings, etc. The cut and run types usually keep searching for this perfect person that won't make the anxiety happen. That person doesn't exist because the anxious thoughts are in your head and bound to crop up with anyone you are interested in.

 

So I think you are ready. You just need to "deal" with it and work through it. And yeah stop looking at what he is doing on social media. That falls under the "outstrategizing" category. Your brain thinks it will be able to stop every threat by knowing every information that could threaten the outcome of your relationship. Your rational mind will know how silly that is and the truth is even people in good relationships can be blindsided by cheating, other betrayals, loss of love or whatever at points far deeper in. In other words, you will never be able to create a perfect scenario that you can control. You can manage things and your thoughts your best possible though.

 

I would also say on the dating part that a month in, a lot of people have crushes, etc that are weeding down and you are not exclusive yet. From a guy's point of view this is often normal--especially your guy on a trip like that. Ok hang in there.

[smackie9]

Just because he made a pact with you to not sleep with anyone doesn't mean he's going to be a monk on his vacation. He is obviously going to interact with females in bikinis, just like his friends. I know you wouldn't be sitting in a corner sipping a cocktail alone while watching your drunk girlie friends socialize and flirt with buff, nicely tanned guys. You go on vacation to have fun, and party.

 

 

 

Maybe the lesson here is don't start dating someone that has a planned guys vaycay to a topical place with bikini clad beauties.

[Nadine123]

I think you are doing ok. That would be cutting and running, wouldn't it? What would make a person "more ready" in your case? I think if he is still good and kind, working through it will help you "be ready" more than anything. A lot of anxiety is caused by feeling like you have to out-strategize and can't speak up.

 

Some people react by cutting and running rather than getting better at seeing something through. Which doesn't promise a perfect outcome, or even a good one, with him though. BUT you will get practice at stating your needs, dealing with your anxious feelings, etc. The cut and run types usually keep searching for this perfect person that won't make the anxiety happen. That person doesn't exist because the anxious thoughts are in your head and bound to crop up with anyone you are interested in.

 

So I think you are ready. You just need to "deal" with it and work through it. And yeah stop looking at what he is doing on social media. That falls under the "outstrategizing" category. Your brain thinks it will be able to stop every threat by knowing every information that could threaten the outcome of your relationship. Your rational mind will know how silly that is and the truth is even people in good relationships can be blindsided by cheating, other betrayals, loss of love or whatever at points far deeper in. In other words, you will never be able to create a perfect scenario that you can control. You can manage things and your thoughts your best possible though.

 

I would also say on the dating part that a month in, a lot of people have crushes, etc that are weeding down and you are not exclusive yet. From a guy's point of view this is often normal--especially your guy on a trip like that. Ok hang in there.

 

Thank you so much for this. Exactly what I needed to know.

[Nadine123]

Just because he made a pact with you to not sleep with anyone doesn't mean he's going to be a monk on his vacation. He is obviously going to interact with females in bikinis, just like his friends. I know you wouldn't be sitting in a corner sipping a cocktail alone while watching your drunk girlie friends socialize and flirt with buff, nicely tanned guys. You go on vacation to have fun, and party.

 

 

 

Maybe the lesson here is don't start dating someone that has a planned guys vaycay to a topical place with bikini clad beauties.

 

I understand, I guess it's just my anxiety taking over that he might have lost interest because he hasnt texted in three days now. Thank you so much.

[coolheadal]

Hi all, I hope you're having a great weekend.

 

I've been dating this guy for over a month now. Things have been going great and he's treated me nothing but amazing to be completely honest. He went on holiday to Greece a week ago and even messaged me yesterday saying he bought me a present and that he really misses me.

 

Something I noticed since he went on holiday is that he's constantly liking and commenting on random girls pics who live there. I'm not stalking him, but it shows on my Instagram or facebook feed, which obviously led to me further snooping. Anyone who uses social media here would know. I'm a bit confused, because we agreed to not date/hook up with anyone else until he comes back, and if he was that interested in me, he wouldn't be interested in anyone else.

 

My dating and relationship history is absolute crap. Ive been in nothing but physically and mentally abusive relationships, and the last guy who really liked me, I ended up pushing him away and treating him like crap (I take full responsibility for that by the way). I also have really bad anxiety that Im seeking therapy for and working really hard on, so I'm worried I might take a bad decision.

 

One thing my previous relationship taught me is not to allow anyone to treat me like crap or take advantage of me. Am I overreacting to get upset about this?

 

Thank you so much in advance

 

Your right no one should ever treat anyone like crap!You just had some bad experiences with men I had some with women but I can say today I am stronger and more confident than ever. I don't let things bother me. Your strong minded and not even stronger. This guy going to do whatever he wants you can't control his behavior while he's on his business trip. He's free do whatever he wants. You found out what sort he is. Social media yeah everyone playing that card. I don't have time to like post, if I do it's not about the person it's about the statement. This guy might have got you a gift but that doesn't men he can still contact others. Yet you to are just gf/bf not engaged or married. Yet he still find times to like women shots. You notice things already. Because you know how it goes down. Just be care not to get your feelings hurt by him. He should stay focus on his return to you and not have wondering eyes!

[Nadine123]

Your right no one should ever treat anyone like crap!You just had some bad experiences with men I had some with women but I can say today I am stronger and more confident than ever. I don't let things bother me. Your strong minded and not even stronger. This guy going to do whatever he wants you can't control his behavior while he's on his business trip. He's free do whatever he wants. You found out what sort he is. Social media yeah everyone playing that card. I don't have time to like post, if I do it's not about the person it's about the statement. This guy might have got you a gift but that doesn't men he can still contact others. Yet you to are just gf/bf not engaged or married. Yet he still find times to like women shots. You notice things already. Because you know how it goes down. Just be care not to get your feelings hurt by him. He should stay focus on his return to you and not have wondering eyes!

 

It's nice to get some male perspective. As a man, would you be doing this if you like a girl? Just wondering.

[smackie9]

Men have wondering eyes and imaginations.....they are men. I'm no dummy to this. I know my husband was checkin out the nice bums at the Lululemon yoga fest right where he was working. He even told me so....I laughed. What guy wouldn't unless he was gay.

 

 

 

 

 

OP if it bothers you that much, just have that conversation when he gets back.

[Versacehottie]

Thank you so much for this. Exactly what I needed to know.

 

I would just add the outstrategizing thing not good to see what every possibility for hurt is by analyzing his social media. It's a never ending pit where you mind can run wild with no end in sight. Fuel to the fire. Far better to strategize how you are going to manage your anxiety. Such as don't look at his social media. Set a goal of the talk and what you are going to say. Deal with things that you can control and find out how to let the things you cannot control go. You can distract yourself (i think you should in this case).

 

Part of the reason you are getting anxious is you are looking too far in the future. Because you like this guy, you want to see that you have the assurance that he is all yours and you are in a stable, going-somewhere relationship. While this is somewhat normal (because excited people often think similarly), it's not helpful to you, your anxious thoughts or creating and entering into the healthiest of relationships. You want to create a balance where you are evaluating the guy himself, not pandering to anxious thoughts, to see if he is the one for you--at EVERY step along the way. There is a reason they say to see a new partner through all 4 seasons--it's a saying that has validity because seeing someone over a length of time, a variety of moods and life circumstances allows you to evaluate if he is the one for you and figure out how to manage communication & points of difference. So don't "jump to the end" which i always say Enjoy being excited and being in the moment. I honestly think that people who get anxious or in a hurry for an answer about someone probably need a bit more going on in his or her life so that they can take the edge off how they have the potential to smother someone or be the "lesser" person in the relationship (not saying you are at all). It's just something to watch for when your mind has already decided that it wants someone without truly enough information but only because of its tendency to be anxious. Make sense?

[Nadine123]

I would just add the outstrategizing thing not good to see what every possibility for hurt is by analyzing his social media. It's a never ending pit where you mind can run wild with no end in sight. Fuel to the fire. Far better to strategize how you are going to manage your anxiety. Such as don't look at his social media. Set a goal of the talk and what you are going to say. Deal with things that you can control and find out how to let the things you cannot control go. You can distract yourself (i think you should in this case).

 

Part of the reason you are getting anxious is you are looking too far in the future. Because you like this guy, you want to see that you have the assurance that he is all yours and you are in a stable, going-somewhere relationship. While this is somewhat normal (because excited people often think similarly), it's not helpful to you, your anxious thoughts or creating and entering into the healthiest of relationships. You want to create a balance where you are evaluating the guy himself, not pandering to anxious thoughts, to see if he is the one for you--at EVERY step along the way. There is a reason they say to see a new partner through all 4 seasons--it's a saying that has validity because seeing someone over a length of time, a variety of moods and life circumstances allows you to evaluate if he is the one for you and figure out how to manage communication & points of difference. So don't "jump to the end" which i always say Enjoy being excited and being in the moment. I honestly think that people who get anxious or in a hurry for an answer about someone probably need a bit more going on in his or her life so that they can take the edge off how they have the potential to smother someone or be the "lesser" person in the relationship (not saying you are at all). It's just something to watch for when your mind has already decided that it wants someone without truly enough information but only because of its tendency to be anxious. Make sense?

 

Yes, you're completely right. I think the fact that I moved to a completely new city and have no friends here is making me even more anxious here. I only made one girlfriend here and met him so maybe that's why I'm overthinking things.

 

I stopped looking into his social media and yes, I might be looking into things too quickly. This is a pattern of mine, where I meet someone I like and want to rush things, which ends up me being with really toxic people who took benefit of that, something I take responsibility for now. I won't speak to him about him, because he's not my boyfriend and I have no right to do so. He would probably think I'm weird if I do. I'll just take things slowly when he comes back and look into meeting new people in the city as well.

 

Thank you so much for your advice, it helped me alot.