SBM1111 Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 I feel awful. I’ve been seeing a guy a like for about 5/6 weeks. We are both late 20s. I went round to his house the other night which started off great but ended terribly as I was in a quiet pensive mood. Reason being it was my mums first anniversary of death this week and I had just been to the hospice where she was to donate money and it triggered memories. He is aware of this and has experience similar loss at the same time. I became so quiet and withdrawn he asked me numerous times what was wrong and it was obvious I had something on my mind. I told him I was ok as I didn’t want to discuss but I was cold to him as I was uninterested in “being intimate”. I apologised before we went to sleep and he said we all have those days. I text him last night to apologise once again and explain so he wouldn’t think it was him but he never replied so now I’m worried I have messed things up and pushed him away. So I’m looking for advice and opinions. I know I’m an idiot so please don’t make me feel worse. Is there any chance if he genuinely liked me and the way things were going, that he wouldn’t just dismiss the past few weeks and walk away over that he’d give me another chance?
kendahke Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 I feel awful. I’ve been seeing a guy a like for about 5/6 weeks. We are both late 20s. I went round to his house the other night which started off great but ended terribly as I was in a quiet pensive mood. Reason being it was my mums first anniversary of death this week and I had just been to the hospice where she was to donate money and it triggered memories. He is aware of this and has experience similar loss at the same time. I became so quiet and withdrawn he asked me numerous times what was wrong and it was obvious I had something on my mind. I told him I was ok as I didn’t want to discuss but I was cold to him as I was uninterested in “being intimate”. I apologised before we went to sleep and he said we all have those days. I text him last night to apologise once again and explain so he wouldn’t think it was him but he never replied so now I’m worried I have messed things up and pushed him away. So I’m looking for advice and opinions. I know I’m an idiot so please don’t make me feel worse. Is there any chance if he genuinely liked me and the way things were going, that he wouldn’t just dismiss the past few weeks and walk away over that he’d give me another chance? I don't see any problem here other than your overactive imagination. There are a gazillion other reasons than "he doesn't want to be with me" for why he hasn't responded to your text. Perhaps the way it was written, it didn't require a response. He already told you that it was OK--any reason why you'd think he's lying about that? If you told him exactly what you said above, then he's probably giving you some space to process your feelings so that you can get past "one of those days". 1
smackie9 Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 I think he's just giving you your space to grieve. He will reach out to you later.
stillafool Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 I don't understand, if you were feeling so bad, why you went over to his house rather than just going home and grieving. 1
Author SBM1111 Posted September 21, 2018 Author Posted September 21, 2018 I was grand at the beginning of the night it was towards the end of the night like an hour before we went to sleep that I became upset
Normm Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 You didn't tell him why you were withdrawn? Not even a "my mother died recently and I'm not having a good night, it has nothing to do with you?". Because if you said nothing he's thinking he did something wrong and quite frankly it's not fair for you to not tell him what's bothering you. As far as texting him an apology, that's just lame. Pick up the phone for matters of such importance, otherwise it comes across as not important and even trivial. 5
d0nnivain Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 Apologize. You would have been better served telling him the truth -- it's the anniversary of my mom's passing & I'm a bit off. Sorry . Instead you lied & said you were "fine". He knew that was a lie but because you weren't forthcoming about the real reason he assumed he had done something wrong. you could have just said that the anniversary has you down so you are going to go home. He would have understood that. In the future tell people the truth when you are upset; it saves a lot of grief in the long run. I am sorry about your mom's passing. I'm coming up on a anniversary myself so I understand. 1
Lotsgoingon Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 (edited) You cannot be in misery over anniversary of the death of your mother ... and keep that to yourself and expect to have a relationship with intimacy and connection. Heck the emotion-less Dr. Spock himself would be more in touch with his feelings and reveal more to his partner than you did. I did dumb stuff like this when I was younger ... What I didn't understand was that the whole point of a relationship is to get this kind of TLC at moments like this. Denying him the chance to comfort you (while still dumping this sad energy on him) ... is the equivalent of him coming to you and you ignoring him for a night and not providing an explanation. And it's the receiving of TLC that partly fuels the giving. The good news is that this is a great chance to learn to ask for love and tenderness in these moments. I'm not feeling well. I just went to x ... I'm feeling really sad. Cry/sob ... and let him hug you and caress you and rub your shoulders and watch tv with you or cook for you or whatever. It's a chance to be real ... let your guard down. Now, if this guy is such a jerk that you couldn't trust that he could be tender with you, then you want to get out of the relationship. Edited September 21, 2018 by Lotsgoingon
kendahke Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 I became so quiet and withdrawn he asked me numerous times what was wrong and it was obvious I had something on my mind. I told him I was ok as I didn’t want to discuss but I was cold to him as I was uninterested in “being intimate”. I'm not understanding this, though--why did you lie to him about what you were feeling? You weren't OK and you had a legitimate reason for not being OK. You owe him an apology for lying to him. The lying and then being cold to him after telling him that nothing was wrong is cruel. He didn't deserve that. In the future, own your voice and speak up for what you need. If you say everything is OK, but then you act cold and disinterested, then he's befuddled by your mixed messaging and he's giving you space to get over whatever it is you can't seem to get past because he doesn't want to go on that same ride again. I don't blame him---I'd be avoiding you, too, after that kind of treatment. 1
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