Penguin_hugs Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 Hi there, I'm currently feeling like my previous online dating history is coming back to haunt me... Recently I went round to my BF's and his housemate had friends round playing games so I was introduced to them etc and I suddenly realised that I had spoken to one of the guys before- on online dating. We'd never actually met up- but I have a really unusual name- so I'm pretty sure the guy guessed he kind of knew me. I immediately told my BF once we were alone- and he did laugh it off- and said the guy has a girlfriend now who he lives with and it was no big deal. While he said he was ok with it- a bit later in the evening he did keep muttering to himself that OLD was weird. He has quite a low dating history himself- not used OLD etc. I had half forgotten about it until now. I was on a facebook spiral and looking up suggested friends from my BF's housemate's friends list- because I kept realising he knew loads of people I went to college with. And suddenly I saw the name of the guy I dated before my BF... I've spoken about my dating history with my BF before- he knows I was in a long term relationship for 2 and a bit years, dated a guy for a few weeks who ended up having a personality transplant after testicular surgery and then the other guy I slept with was kind of in my wild phase. I dated this guy like 4 times and had sex with him twice- once was literally a booty call. It was really out of character for me- but I found it really exciting. But in the end he became obsessed with a puppy... and then said he only wanted casual. I knew I would get too attached and couldn't handle just casual- so I said thanks but no thanks in the end. I weirdly had a conversation with my BF about this a few months ago- because he asked why I didn't just keep up a casual relationship. But I said I just wasn't looking for that. Anyway- it's this guy that is the mutual friend. And they are more than just mild acquaintances... they have a board game schedule in their flat- with people adding their names for the twice weekly events (run by the housemate- my BF doesn't go to them all) and I just remembered that I'd seen his name on that board. It's an uncommon Polish name which is why I registered it. Now I'm a bit like ohhh....... I feel I should tell my BF- incase it gets awkward if I turn up at his and this guy is round playing board games... I have no desire to get back with this guy. I'm incredibly happy with my BF (and the sex is amazing ) but my BF was a virgin before me- hadn't had a GF in the last 10 years- so I'm worried he may get upset by this. In general, neither of us are jealous people- but I feel bad about this situation. Any thoughts?
FMW Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I definitely think you should tell your boyfriend, it's likely he'll find out and it's better if it comes from you. You've discussed the actual relationship with him, so now just let him know who it is. Just make it clear you have no feelings for this other guy. Hopefully he'll handle the information well, but regardless I don't think you have a choice. It would be much worse if he hears it from the other guy.
Imajerk17 Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 (edited) I wouldn't sweat it too much OP. Most of us who live in even small cities understand that the odds are pretty high, that the person we are now dating, had at one point at least went on a date with *someone else* we know. So you once were 'talking' with someone in his social circle. It's not like you were just multidating between both your current boyfriend and his best friend For all you know your current BF had gone on a date or two with someone else in your social circle. Edited September 20, 2018 by Imajerk17
preraph Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 You know, it's just possible that he got involved with you BECAUSE his friend talked about you and that he already knows. Virgins sometimes tend to poach their friends' women. I would tell him nothing more than you hung out a couple of times. If that guy says something salacious, I'd say, "Yeah, we went out a couple of times, but as soon as I found out he just wanted casual, I moved on." You are not obligated to confess who all you slept with to anyone. If he knows more and presses you on having sex with him, again, "Yeah, he didn't bother to tell me he only wanted casual before we had sex. So I'm not crazy about him, but I'll be polite since he's your friend." That way he knows you don't carry a torch for him or something and that his friend doesn't want you either. His friend may have been giving him a play by play on you. I don't believe in coincidences. 1
mortensorchid Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I would just be very casual about this fact. If he asks, then yes you can tell him certain things. But don't offer it right away or out of the blue. Keep a certain mystery about yourself, as you age you will see what the benefits of this are and are not. Many years ago (wow it was a long time ago) I was with the love of my life (long story) and I had just starting introducing him to others in my friend circle. He met this guy who I will call Rob. Rob and I just a week or two before he and I met (the love of my life and I) had had sex. Rob was/is quite gorgeous - a young cross between Val Kilmer and Brad Pitt - and he knew it, and was a well known man w****, but you just try saying no to that. But we both agreed it was that one time and that would be that. And it was. When he met Rob, he knew that we had had sex by our body language. And he asked if we ever dated. I said no, we slept together once but that was that. Oddly enough, Rob was with his next long term gf, and she asked the same question when he met me. So if and when, just be very casual about it. Say something like "Oh, yes, Bob and I did a few years ago but it was just the past, right?".
Author Penguin_hugs Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 Thanks for your messages. I'm feeling a bit worked up about it and can't sleep! Me and BF are going away for the weekend tomorrow- but I know I'm just going to have to tell him so I can relax. I think I'll just tell him that he probably knows someone else I dated and leave the details out. I'm not sure how well BF knows this guy- they may have just played some board games together. My BF is not facebook friends with this guy. But his housemate is- and his housemate meets loads of people through gaming and invites them round. I know that they wouldn't have discussed me- I dated this guy for like 6 weeks about 18 months ago. And I met my BF at a speed dating event in December. I hadn't guessed he was a virgin until maybe 20 mins before we had sex for the first time- when he told me. So I don't really think that is the issue. Our relationship is on a completely different level to anything I have experienced before and I guess I am scared of ruining it.
preraph Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 If those guys are playing board games together, they're talking about women. Would it just be possible to keep your mouth shut and NOT be around when they're playing board games??? So much easier.
salparadise Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 (edited) Relaaaaaaax! So what if you've dated people he has some loose association with. People know people. Assuming there weren't any momentous events with you as the primary entertainment, it's no big deal. I dated a woman for awhile who lived in a city two hours away. She knew a lot of about my town so I asked her how she became so familiar. She confessed that she dated someone from here before. She didn't want to say who, but within about 30 minutes I figured it out. We laughed about it. No big deal. Then a year later a female friend of mine said that she had a date with a guy she met online and she told me a bit about him.... same guy. I knew a ton of info about the guy already. It was funny, but it wasn't a big deal. Six degrees of separation connect the whole wold. I am only one degree separate from Kevin Bacon and Barack Obama! I can't imagine worrying about whether the people I date can trace a connection. You need to think more about global warming. Edited September 21, 2018 by salparadise
Els Posted September 23, 2018 Posted September 23, 2018 I think you're worrying too much over it, OP. It's really not a big deal, especially if you were in college or in gaming circles where most people sort-of-know most people. Just casually mention it.
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