Annalie Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I have been going out with this guy for a while. Before dating we were friends, so you can say we are pretty comfortable when around each other. Last week, he asked me on a date. We agreed on Wednesday (tonight), he also proposed a place (10-15 minutes drive from my house). On Monday night i was hanging out with my friend at that place and i was texting him. He said he cant wait to see me on Wednesday and hang out with me at that place. There is a small park and many bars around and it is very fun. So, he suggested we kick the ball or whatever in the park and then go for beer. I said that sounds awesome. So, tonight he texts me saying he would pick me up and we can go to one of the bars next to my house. I asked what happened with the plan for the other place and he responded he is too tired. I got upset because he has a history of saying things just for the sake of saying (either what he says sometimes is unrealistic or he has no intention to do what he says). He is not a bad guy, just sometimes... in clouds. Anyway, I got upset and replied that we can go out when he is not tired. He said "ok, lets go to that place we talked about." I refused. I dont understand. If he was tired we could just get beer, no need to go to the park too. I am just wondering if anyone else finds this frustrating and how would you respond?
MidwestUSA Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 To be honest, I would have responded exactly as you did, basically 'okay, let's do something another night when you're not tired'. Rather than telling you he was going to pick you up and hit a spot close to your place, he should have explained that he was tired, and asked if you minded the change of plans. He's a guy; he didn't think it would matter to you one way or the other. For you to refuse to go out at all is kind of a passive aggressive move - punishment, if you will. But, like I said, I'd have done the same. He's tired but willing to have a few beers; next thing you know, he's falling asleep on you. And, of course, he has to drive home. So, not safe. I'm more concerned with his history of talking things up, then not following through. If this was a one off, okay. But if he's always making promises he doesn't keep, it's time for a talk, or time for you to evaluate whether it's something you can tolerate. Actions should match words. Although this is a relatively minor incident, it gives you a clue as to how he'll be with bigger issues. Best of luck!
bathtub-row Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 He handled that badly, which caused you to instantly question whether he was telling the truth. He should have said something like he had a change of heart and wondered if you would mind going to such and such place instead. He may be dating several women and found out that one of them is going to be at that place. And whether that’s true or not, he caused you to question his honesty. If this is how he handles things, he’ll probably drive you crazy if you date him. For the sake of your friendship, you may want to rethink the whole thing. 1
PRW Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I have been going out with this guy for a while. Before dating we were friends, so you can say we are pretty comfortable when around each other. Last week, he asked me on a date. We agreed on Wednesday (tonight)..... So, tonight he texts me saying he would pick me up and we can go to one of the bars next to my house... (either what he says sometimes is unrealistic or he has no intention to do what he says). He is not a bad guy, just sometimes... in clouds. I am just wondering if anyone else finds this frustrating and how would you respond? Yes, frustrating. But it is part of why I always say to never do a bunch of chit-chatting between setting a date and arriving on the date before you reach exclusivity. It creates too much opportunity to say or do stupid stuff to ruin the date before you get to the date,...particularly on the guy's side. It would be better for you to be stood up by him if he doesn't show up,...it would only happen once and you'd be done with it. But you wouldn't be jerked around by a guy who has no discipline, no sense of responsibility, and can not stick to a plan. The situation is different once you reach exclusivity, but it doesn't sound like you are there yet.
kendahke Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I have been going out with this guy for a while. Before dating we were friends, so you can say we are pretty comfortable when around each other. Last week, he asked me on a date. We agreed on Wednesday (tonight), he also proposed a place (10-15 minutes drive from my house). On Monday night i was hanging out with my friend at that place and i was texting him. He said he cant wait to see me on Wednesday and hang out with me at that place. There is a small park and many bars around and it is very fun. So, he suggested we kick the ball or whatever in the park and then go for beer. I said that sounds awesome. So, tonight he texts me saying he would pick me up and we can go to one of the bars next to my house. I asked what happened with the plan for the other place and he responded he is too tired. I got upset because he has a history of saying things just for the sake of saying (either what he says sometimes is unrealistic or he has no intention to do what he says). He is not a bad guy, just sometimes... in clouds. Anyway, I got upset and replied that we can go out when he is not tired. He said "ok, lets go to that place we talked about." I refused. I dont understand. If he was tired we could just get beer, no need to go to the park too. I am just wondering if anyone else finds this frustrating and how would you respond? Not passive-aggressively, for one. If the issue for you is that he repeatedly walks back what he's led you to expect, then that's what needed to be discussed in that moment, not silently punishing him with the passive-aggressive refusal to go to the place. You will find that your frustration level will lessen significantly when you bring up the issues in the moment and discuss it/resolve it instead of being obstinate. But if you've known him long enough to be comfortable with who/how he is, then dating him means that this is something you're going to have to tolerate until he figures out the benefits for him not doing it.
Lotsgoingon Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 (edited) Actually, I think this was a perfect time to act as you did. In fact, I don't consider your move to be passive aggressive, because the reason for your upset was totally obvious ... so obvious, he tried to shift things back at the last minute. The communication was quite clear in this instance. (Quit changing up our meetings on the fly.) In classic passive-aggressive situations, there is no clear message. Stand your ground ... and really, it sounds like this guy needs to be dumped. Great job to react in the moment like you did. I'm always later saying I should have reacted as you did. Your reaction was perfect. Now go the next step and dump him. If you do foolishly see him again, don't accept one more behavior of this type. Like totally cut him off next time he does this ... But really, you have enough info already to cut him off. Edited September 21, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 1
smackie9 Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 You already know what this guy is like, and he isn't going to be any different dating you....so why are you even bothering? Keep him as a friend so when he pulls this crap on you, you won't have any expectations and everything is normal. 1
stillafool Posted September 21, 2018 Posted September 21, 2018 I agree with ^^^^Smackie, if you already knew he is flaky why would you even let yourself be bothered in the first place?
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