Boyfriend ended relationship 3 weeks after abortion **Updated**

[Missm86]

At 32 I was recently in what I felt was the best relationship I've ever had. He felt perfect for me. His family and friends knew about me and we were making amazing plans together. Unfortunately I became pregnant the first time we were intimate (5 weeks into dating) and the same day we agreed to be a couple. When I told him he reassured me and said that it didn't change how he felt about me. We decided it wasn't the right time for us and agreed for abortion. Very difficult decision as a woman. He was by my side throughout and looked after me in the days afterwards. I thought id found the one and for 2 weeks afterwards, he continued to make plans for us and I met his closest friends. However 2 weeks after the abortion, he became increasingly quiet and distanced. He said he was busy with work so I didn't push it. He took me out for my birthday and met my closest friends at the weekend. But come Monday he was quiet again. I tried to reach out but he made no plans to see me. Friday I received the breakup text saying he said he felt there was something missing, but couldn't put his finger on it. Yet we then spoke on the phone and he said he hoped we would have become closer because of the abortion but he felt I was a "closed book" and he didn't know how I felt about him. I poured my heart out, telling him how I felt about him, I want a future together. He just said he would process it all. Just over a day later I couldnt bear to be kept hanging so I messaged him that I felt i didn't deserve someone who felt the need to take days to weeks to decide if I was worth committing to. I told him I preferred no further contact. It was 5 days ago and im left grieving very hard for the loss of my baby and now him. I can't understand why someone can just chanve feelings and just seem to leave like nothing mattered. I felt I was falling in love but he seems to have decided I wasn't the one. I'm struggling to cope and start child bereavement counselling this week.

[PRW]

He felt torn up about the baby. It was his baby too.

 

Not enough information to say any thing else,...it would just be total wild speculation.

[Missm86]

He felt torn up about the baby. It was his baby too.

 

Not enough information to say any thing else,...it would just be total wild speculation.

 

Yes it was. I just wish he had spoken to me instead of cutting me and our relationship off first. What else would you like to know? I can give more details if it helps.

[Zahara]

I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through. It's good that you have scheduled to meet with a grief counselor. You truly need the support right now because I am sure this is extremely hard.

 

I'm not sure if I am reading this right but 5 weeks of dating is just way too soon to be dealing with such heavy issues such as a pregnancy, an abortion and relationship commitment. You both barely knew each other, and yes, it was too soon to be taking and facing such huge steps in an extremely young relationship.

 

I believe the pregnancy and abortion was too much too soon and it kicked him into reality. I'm sure it was painful for him too and also daunting.

 

And from past experience, and I had to learn the hard way that making future plans when you're in the early stages of a relationship is not realistic. Most times when I was in this situation, it was a form of future faking because people were reacting on a high.

 

Meeting friends and family is NOT indicative of commitment. Some people are casual and don't perceive it as commitment while some view it as an important phase and wait to see if their relationship has legs to stand on before exposing it to extended family.

 

I advise you to take dating slowly. Be safe and exercise safe sex. Get to know your partner. Find out if you truly have compatibility. Wait to see if you both have the ability to sustain consistency. Build a foundation. Five weeks was never enough to know if this was going to work out for you.

[stillafool]

I've known quite a few couples who split after an abortion. I remember one of my friends boyfriends telling her it just didn't feel the same with her anymore after the abortion. Just take your time and heal. Thank goodness it wasn't a very long relationship so that may make it easier to move on.

[PRW]

Yes it was. I just wish he had spoken to me instead of cutting me and our relationship off first. What else would you like to know? I can give more details if it helps.

 

 

I don't know what I could ask for, or say if you gave it. Maybe that is similar to what he felt like and why he just cut you out. My views on abortion are very strong so I would have opposed it before you went through with it. Maybe his views became strong after the fact,...and it was then too late. Everyone knows what those against abortion believe without any of us having to get into that, but can you imagine how he would have felt if he came to those kind of conclusions not only right after being involved in one, but actually because he was involved in one? I don't know if there is any way back from that.

[Missm86]

I'm sorry for all the pain you are going through. It's good that you have scheduled to meet with a grief counselor. You truly need the support right now because I am sure this is extremely hard.

 

I'm not sure if I am reading this right but 5 weeks of dating is just way too soon to be dealing with such heavy issues such as a pregnancy, an abortion and relationship commitment. You both barely knew each other, and yes, it was too soon to be taking and facing such huge steps in an extremely young relationship.

 

I believe the pregnancy and abortion was too much too soon and it kicked him into reality. I'm sure it was painful for him too and also daunting.

 

And from past experience, and I had to learn the hard way that making future plans when you're in the early stages of a relationship is not realistic. Most times when I was in this situation, it was a form of future faking because people were reacting on a high.

 

Meeting friends and family is NOT indicative of commitment. Some people are casual and don't perceive it as commitment while some view it as an important phase and wait to see if their relationship has legs to stand on before exposing it to extended family.

 

I advise you to take dating slowly. Be safe and exercise safe sex. Get to know your partner. Find out if you truly have compatibility. Wait to see if you both have the ability to sustain consistency. Build a foundation. Five weeks was never enough to know if this was going to work out for you.

 

Thank you. I must say that we did use protection but unfortunately it failed us. We were together for a total of 3 months which I know isn't much either - however the unplanned pregnancy shot us forwards quite a lot in having to deal with it. I'm just feeling so sad that he didn't communicate properly with me before ending it. I miss him a lot.

[Zahara]

Thank you. I must say that we did use protection but unfortunately it failed us. We were together for a total of 3 months which I know isn't much either - however the unplanned pregnancy shot us forwards quite a lot in having to deal with it. I'm just feeling so sad that he didn't communicate properly with me before ending it. I miss him a lot.

 

I apologize for mistaking the duration of your relationship. But you are correct that it was still too short of a time to carry such weight.

 

I think no matter what he communicated to you, it would have still resulted in pain and no matter what your resolve, I think he would have still maintained his position in that this was likely not the relationship for him.

 

I don't believe it was anything you did wrong. I think this very young relationship shot off the blocks too fast and it wasn't something he was ready to handle. I think the pregnancy and the abortion was a jolt to his system and he probably went cold. I've seen it happen to others. Some people aren't able to manage such issues and often shutdown and retreat. I'm not sure how he truly feels but all we can do is speculate.

 

Be gentle and kind to yourself.

[PRW]

Thank you. I must say that we did use protection but unfortunately it failed us. We were together for a total of 3 months which I know isn't much either - however the unplanned pregnancy shot us forwards quite a lot in having to deal with it. I'm just feeling so sad that he didn't communicate properly with me before ending it. I miss him a lot.

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He just said he would process it all. Just over a day later I couldnt bear to be kept hanging so I messaged him that I felt i didn't deserve someone who felt the need to take days to weeks to decide if I was worth committing to. I told him I preferred no further contact.

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It looks like it was you that ended it. You can't expect him to reach out to you when you told him you wanted no further contact. So it is up to you to approach him to reconcile. Give him a couple weeks and reach out. But no guarantee of any results.

[Missm86]

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He just said he would process it all. Just over a day later I couldnt bear to be kept hanging so I messaged him that I felt i didn't deserve someone who felt the need to take days to weeks to decide if I was worth committing to. I told him I preferred no further contact.

------------------------------

 

It looks like it was you that ended it. You can't expect him to reach out to you when you told him you wanted no further contact. So it is up to you to approach him to reconcile. Give him a couple weeks and reach out. But no guarantee of any results.

 

I understand how that paragraph sounds. I sent that final message because I knew he had already been processing his feelings for around 1 to 2 weeks already and despite me validating my feelings for him, as he indicated his need for me to do, he still wanted to take even more time after he knew how I felt about him. My gut instinct felt that I was going to be rejected again, so I ended my final message in that way, almost to protect myself. In my mind I hoped he might fight for me but I didn't do it to play any sort off mind game. I knew he might not reach out but either way it's the same level of grieving now.

[Normm]

Hard to figure out what's going on inside his head, it appears he was somewhat traumatized by the pregnancy and abortion, maybe he didn't approve of the abortion and is thinking about the child he could have had, or he just feels like the entire thing was too much, too soon, and he went from having a fun, easy, casual relationship to a brush with unexpected fatherhood which he doesn't want.

 

Anyway it sounds like he had one foot out the door and may have left regardless of what you said or did, but no doubt you slammed the door shut and ended any chance of him coming around by a) telling him it's now or never and b) doing the whole clingy/needy/pouring your heart out which will send most guys running for the hills.

 

But so what. It's over, you'll probably never get answers, it's time to pick yourself up, be glad it was only 5 weeks, and move on. And use different birth control. And stop pouring your heart out to guys you know less than 2 months. It gives the impression that you're extremely needy and insecure.

[Missm86]

Hard to figure out what's going on inside his head, it appears he was somewhat traumatized by the pregnancy and abortion, maybe he didn't approve of the abortion and is thinking about the child he could have had, or he just feels like the entire thing was too much, too soon, and he went from having a fun, easy, casual relationship to a brush with unexpected fatherhood which he doesn't want.

 

Anyway it sounds like he had one foot out the door and may have left regardless of what you said or did, but no doubt you slammed the door shut and ended any chance of him coming around by a) telling him it's now or never and b) doing the whole clingy/needy/pouring your heart out which will send most guys running for the hills.

 

But so what. It's over, you'll probably never get answers, it's time to pick yourself up, be glad it was only 5 weeks, and move on. And use different birth control. And stop pouring your heart out to guys you know less than 2 months. It gives the impression that you're extremely needy and insecure.

 

 

I did not make it clear in my post that we were acrually together for 3 months - I know this is also not long. The pregnancy took place at 5 weeks. With regard to me being needy and insecure, please reread the parts where he had given reasons of the relationship ending as me being a "closed book" and him not knowing how I felt about him. Hence I then told him how I honestly felt about wanting a future with him. I am guarded rather than insecure and needy.

I also cannot help that I have strong feelings for this man in 3 months, things were progressing so nicely until Yes, he changed his mind. So I am grieving for the losses in one go, making it hard to just "move on". Please don't judge me on this.

[MindYourBusiness]

Please read my post from January! I was in the exact same situation.

I still don't know why my boyfriend left me. He claimed later that he felt overwhelmed and he felt like low life for leaving me. Overall I am doing so much better without him now. You don't want a family with a guy like that. If someone is 16 and overwhelmed okay I get it.

But a mature man has to be there since he has 50% responsibility as well. No excuses. Run as far and as fast as you can from this guy. I guarantee you he will try to come back to you. Don't let him. He won't change.

 

Another LS member here gave me the advice that he probably also realized that I am not the one for him. It is easier to stay in a relationship that still benefits him even though he's not 100% happy. But when someone gets pregnant that changes. And time does not matter so much here. I met all his friends, I was close with his family and he with mine like we would go on vacations together etc. It does not matter if his too immature to handle it. We were together for a long time.

Edited September 20, 2018 by Lenila1992

[Missm86]

Please read my post from January! I was in the exact same situation.

I still don't know why my boyfriend left me. He claimed later that he felt overwhelmed and he felt like low life for leaving me. Overall I am doing so much better without him now. You don't want a family with a guy like that. If someone is 16 and overwhelmed okay I get it.

But a mature man has to be there since he has 50% responsibility as well. No excuses. Run as far and as fast as you can from this guy. I guarantee you he will try to come back to you. Don't let him. He won't change.

 

Another LS member here gave me the advice that he probably also realized that I am not the one for him. It is easier to stay in a relationship that still benefits him even though he's not 100% happy. But when someone gets pregnant that changes. And time does not matter so much here. I met all his friends, I was close with his family and he with mine like we would go on vacations together etc. It does not matter if his too immature to handle it. We were together for a long time.

 

I just read your post. I am so so sorry you had to experience him being so nasty to you. I think you are very strong for being able to get through that bit by bit. If you can give me any advice or things that will help me move forwards I'd be so grateful. My partner wasn't nasty to me at all throughout the abortion, in fact he appeared to be a strong compassionate support. His main reason for ending it was that I was a closed book...but he never verbally told me how he felt either. He just sat on his feelings whilst he convinced himself in not the one, then just ended it in a text that sounded like he barely knew me and he had been onba few dates or something. People have told me it's his way of emotionally closing off and not wanting to show too much. But then he also told me that he hoped the abortion would have bought us closer, but it didn't....because I'm a closed book, then he went! We won't ever know the full extent of reasons why and as women it's very hard to move on without it. I completely understood when you said you were grieving 2 losses. Him leaving has bought up my feelings of losing the baby. In 2 days time it will only be one month since my abortion and it's hurting like hell. That is the day that I know I would have needed him. But he seems so far away and a stranger. He might be back later on to try and remove some of his guilt and it will break me further to hear it. I hope you continue to find peace in your mind and heart x

[amaysngrace]

Maybe he’s just sad too.

 

You know if I were you I’d invite him to come to the counseling session with you. It may do you both some good to process this together.

[MindYourBusiness]

I just read your post. I am so so sorry you had to experience him being so nasty to you. I think you are very strong for being able to get through that bit by bit. If you can give me any advice or things that will help me move forwards I'd be so grateful. My partner wasn't nasty to me at all throughout the abortion, in fact he appeared to be a strong compassionate support. His main reason for ending it was that I was a closed book...but he never verbally told me how he felt either. He just sat on his feelings whilst he convinced himself in not the one, then just ended it in a text that sounded like he barely knew me and he had been onba few dates or something. People have told me it's his way of emotionally closing off and not wanting to show too much. But then he also told me that he hoped the abortion would have bought us closer, but it didn't....because I'm a closed book, then he went! We won't ever know the full extent of reasons why and as women it's very hard to move on without it. I completely understood when you said you were grieving 2 losses. Him leaving has bought up my feelings of losing the baby. In 2 days time it will only be one month since my abortion and it's hurting like hell. That is the day that I know I would have needed him. But he seems so far away and a stranger. He might be back later on to try and remove some of his guilt and it will break me further to hear it. I hope you continue to find peace in your mind and heart x

 

 

Thanks for taking the time to read all my posts!

I think it really depends on the person what helps you to get through something like this. Definitely do not start taking any medication to numb the pain. Ive did that and it did not do any good.

 

Listen to your body! What do you need right now? What are you missing?

Are you lonely? Overwhelmed? Our body gives us so many hints all the time - we just have to listen.

 

I definitely recommend seeing a psychologist as soon as you can. You don't have to go through this alone and from my experience I can say that it is something that would be very very challenging to cope with by yourself on the long term.

Go no contact with your ex until you feel more stable. All that relationship drama on top of what you just experienced is too much.

 

Spend a lot of time with friends and family, talk about what happened. Exercise! It is so important that you are physically as tired as mentally. It will really help you to sleep and cope. Whenever you feel alone just go online in this forum.. there is so many of us who are going through something and this support here can really help.

And I know you probably don't want to hear this but you need to be patient. Just accept that you will feel this way for a bit and know that it will pass. It really will. Look at my posts. I was absolutely hysterical. I did not want to live anymore. And here I am Starting to fall in love with life all over again.

 

I know a few other members said " Well maybe that is his way of grieving or I am sure he is overwhelmed as well"... I totally disagree. If he would want to be there he would. No excuses.

[Normm]

I also cannot help that I have strong feelings for this man in 3 months, things were progressing so nicely until Yes, he changed his mind. So I am grieving for the losses in one go, making it hard to just "move on". Please don't judge me on this.

 

Not judging just observing and making suggestions. If a partner is on the fence about staying vs going you aren’t going to help the situation by falling to pieces and “pouring your heart out” as you put it which comes across as begging. It sends the wrong message and makes it all about your needs rather than theirs.

[Art_Critic]

He can agree with something, go along with it and still no have wanted that outcome, maybe he would have felt like he would have been talking you into keeping the baby since it wasn't your wishes and that was why he was silent.

 

 

 

It sounds to me that he is grieving for the loss of his baby...

 

 

Men grieve too and maybe he didn't realize the emotional impact that this was going to have on himself...

 

 

I say you talk to him, you both went thru this together and you should both get thru this together.

[Normm]

It sounds to me that he is grieving for the loss of his baby...

 

We’ll probably never know for sure but I’m thinking he’s thinking too much drama, too soon, he dodged a billet and he’s not looking to jump into the fire from the frying pan.

[hippychick3]

Not judging just observing and making suggestions. If a partner is on the fence about staying vs going you aren’t going to help the situation by falling to pieces and “pouring your heart out” as you put it which comes across as begging. It sends the wrong message and makes it all about your needs rather than theirs.

 

She only did this because he told her she was a closed book. She assumed he wanted her to open up, and she did.

[Normm]

She only did this because he told her she was a closed book. She assumed he wanted her to open up, and she did.

 

Perhaps she overcompensated. To the point that she went from somewhat guarded to a hysterical mess. That’s a lot to drop on an unsuspecting partner who already has misgivings.

[MindYourBusiness]

Can we just all agree please that no matter what you can't just leave a woman after an abortion? It is just horrible and I am not sure if anyone who didn't go thru this will ever understand. Please. And this is not just a thing that is mentally hard. I went through the worst physical pain of my life and frankly do not care if someone decides to leave because they are grieving or simply don't wanna be there. Its an awful move no matter what the motivation behind it is.

Edited September 20, 2018 by Lenila1992

[hippychick3]

Perhaps she overcompensated. To the point that she went from somewhat guarded to a hysterical mess. That’s a lot to drop on an unsuspecting partner who already has misgivings.

 

You're making a huge assumption there.

 

The point is that she responded specifically to him telling her she was a closed book. It may have been just an excuse on his part but she took it seriously and addressed that comment with him. I don't see how that immediately translates into her becoming needy, insecure, and a "hysterical mess."

[MindYourBusiness]

You're making a huge assumption there.

 

The point is that she responded specifically to him telling her she was a closed book. It may have been just an excuse on his part but she took it seriously and addressed that comment with him. I don't see how that immediately translates into her becoming needy, insecure, and a "hysterical mess."

 

I totally agree. And obviously this was a hard situation. I wanna see anyone who doesn't break down. He should've been there to comfort her.

[Orokotikki]

@Lenila - Agreed, total dick move on his part.

Whatever pain he had he could suck it up and help her (both of them really) reach a stable place before ending things. But that is a lot easier for me to say not ever having had to deal with it. I mean 3 weeks?

 

I guess he could have felt torn/rushed about the decision and regretted it.

So sorry for your pain.

 

I mean - only 5 weeks into dating and to have all that occur... You can't really say that either of you knew each other really that well I think, and maybe he doubts the pregnancy was even his or that the whole situation was just too much for him.

 

Wishing you the best in healing and growth.