Sad about short term dating experience ending

[rayj83]

I met someone a month ago, we went out maybe 7-8 times, texted a lot (she initiated a lot), talked on phone for a while, etc... She told me she "really liked" me in the first few dates, and all signs were there to me that she was in to me. I wasn't putting on any pressure or smothering her. We had a lot of fun, although sometimes when I was with her it felt like she was putting up a wall or not quite letting me in. Despite that we would always joke around, had really good chemistry and would have very deep, intellectual conversations. She told her friends and family about me.

 

In the past week or so everything seemed to change. She had sex with me (after saying she wanted to take it slow) about a week ago. I didn't see her for a week and in between that time something seemed to have changed where she was not initiating as much. We had discussed one of us sleeping over at the other's place and that was going to happen this weekend. I met up with her a couple of nights ago to hang out and was shocked to hear her tell me that she didn't feel ready for a relationship. Her "really liked me" turned into "liked me" - she didn't reveal all that much in detail. She mentioned she had a 6 month very intense relationship before we went out (I think it ended about 2 months before we met) and that he was still pining for her in the background but she wanted nothing to do with him and never take him back.

 

Look, I've dated a lot over the years, and had a horrible experience once with a woman who was kind of in a similar situation where someone was in the background and her heart wasn't in to it, and so I was very careful about getting into anything more serious with her before I was sure this wasn't an issue. Well, it turned out she didn't want anything more serious obviously.

 

I didn't know her that well, so can't say I'm heartbroken or anything, but am pretty hurt and sad and frustrated by it all. Especially since all of the signs pointed to her really liking me and having a great time with me, up until the past week or so. I asked her to just be honest and say if it was something between us, and she said it was completely her emotional space. She felt she had a wall up and couldn't let me in. Is that something she's making up because maybe her attraction level wasn't high enough? Or is it true? I have no idea.

 

Anyways, I do suffer from self-esteem problems so these kinds of things always sting. I'd love people's opinions on this. I know there isn't too much information since it was pretty short-lived, but everything about what she was saying and doing screamed she was in to it and wanted to see where it went. Maybe the second she felt it was going to another level she got scared? Or didn't want ME? That's what's so frustrating. She said it's nothing I did.

 

I think we ended our last meeting by just asking each other what we each wanted, and I was obviously looking ideally for a partner/relationship and she wasn't so sure what she wanted. She didn't seem very emotional or sad about it - it was very robotic. Almost like "get the hell out of here!" - but she said she didn't expect that kind of conversation to come up, I guess it just did.

 

I'm 32 now, have had my fair share of relationships, but this one really stings for some reason. Just when you think something might bloom it doesn't. So hard to not come down on myself - she mentioned on more than one occasion how "kind" of a person I was and how much fun she was having. How can things change on a dime so fast?? I really liked her.

Edited September 19, 2018 by rayj83

[Fensun90]

I met someone a month ago, we went out maybe 7-8 times, texted a lot (she initiated a lot), talked on phone for a while, etc... She told me she "really liked" me in the first few dates, and all signs were there to me that she was in to me. I wasn't putting on any pressure or smothering her. We had a lot of fun, although sometimes when I was with her it felt like she was putting up a wall or not quite letting me in. Despite that we would always joke around, had really good chemistry and would have very deep, intellectual conversations. She told her friends and family about me.

 

In the past week or so everything seemed to change. She had sex with me (after saying she wanted to take it slow) about a week ago. I didn't see her for a week and in between that time something seemed to have changed where she was not initiating as much. We had discussed one of us sleeping over at the other's place and that was going to happen this weekend. I met up with her a couple of nights ago to hang out and was shocked to hear her tell me that she didn't feel ready for a relationship. Her "really liked me" turned into "liked me" - she didn't reveal all that much in detail. She mentioned she had a 6 month very intense relationship before we went out (I think it ended about 2 months before we met) and that he was still pining for her in the background but she wanted nothing to do with him and never take him back.

 

Look, I've dated a lot over the years, and had a horrible experience once with a woman who was kind of in a similar situation where someone was in the background and her heart wasn't in to it, and so I was very careful about getting into anything more serious with her before I was sure this wasn't an issue. Well, it turned out she didn't want anything more serious obviously.

 

I didn't know her that well, so can't say I'm heartbroken or anything, but am pretty hurt and sad and frustrated by it all. Especially since all of the signs pointed to her really liking me and having a great time with me, up until the past week or so. I asked her to just be honest and say if it was something between us, and she said it was completely her emotional space. She felt she had a wall up and couldn't let me in. Is that something she's making up because maybe her attraction level wasn't high enough? Or is it true? I have no idea.

 

Anyways, I do suffer from self-esteem problems so these kinds of things always sting. I'd love people's opinions on this. I know there isn't too much information since it was pretty short-lived, but everything about what she was saying and doing screamed she was in to it and wanted to see where it went. Maybe the second she felt it was going to another level she got scared? Or didn't want ME? That's what's so frustrating. She said it's nothing I did.

 

I think we ended our last meeting by just asking each other what we each wanted, and I was obviously looking ideally for a partner/relationship and she wasn't so sure what she wanted. She didn't seem very emotional or sad about it - it was very robotic. Almost like "get the hell out of here!" - but she said she didn't expect that kind of conversation to come up, I guess it just did.

 

I'm 32 now, have had my fair share of relationships, but this one really stings for some reason. Just when you think something might bloom it doesn't. So hard to not come down on myself - she mentioned on more than one occasion how "kind" of a person I was and how much fun she was having. How can things change on a dime so fast?? I really liked her.

 

 

I'm not a relationship guru at all. But it sounds almost identical to what I'm going through right now. It sucks. I'm guessing same as happened to me.. just a rebound.

 

Anyway I'm also sitting here with that horrible feeling you do and my course of action is no contact until she contacts and I will start talking to other women at once.

 

Not telling you this is what you should do, probably someone else with more experience you should listen to, but I feel you bro.

 

And anytime I get that bad feeling in me I try to think: WHY would I want to be with someone who don't want the same. Attraction is not a choice

[rayj83]

Thanks - but she was very attracted to me (she said that) and liked me. So it's just all very confusing for things to turn so quickly out of nowhere. Maybe she wasn't sure about me or maybe something else is going on behind the scenes. I don't know. Just ****ing sucks.

[Fensun90]

Thanks - but she was very attracted to me (she said that) and liked me. So it's just all very confusing for things to turn so quickly out of nowhere. Maybe she wasn't sure about me or maybe something else is going on behind the scenes. I don't know. Just ****ing sucks.

 

 

I know. Same her. She was showing insanely high interest with me as well. Then I noticed last week / two weeks it was dwindling and now it's gone. I have a thread on similar problem just below your thread if you want to read.

 

It sucks like hell, but cannot let us get diminished by a chick. I'm also sittin here with the feeling like: "She's the one", but this is simply not true.

 

 

What helps me a bit is I try to think: "Well, she had a ticket to ride, she didn't want to. I'm awesome and she ****ed up by bailing and I deserve something better."

 

I'd recommend checking out Corey Wayne's video on Youtube. He has great insight and a straight up dude with dating advice. I truly believe in that guy instead of the pua guys

 

Just wait to hear from someone else than me on this forum with more experience. I'm just trying to make you feel better:)

 

 

 

worth a watch anyway Edited September 19, 2018 by Fensun90

[rayj83]

Thanks for your advice all. I really appreciate it. I'm definitely going no contact. I've been in situations like this with women before who I could tell weren't sure they were in to me or were hot and cold, but this did not feel like the case at all which is why the rapid shift has me feeling so ****ty. I deal with a lot of mental health issues which for the most part I have under control, but rejection of any kind, particular in dating/relationships, sting the most. So badly. In the past few weeks I had started to like her and was preparing myself mentally to keep going despite the fear of rejection. And I ended up getting rejected!

 

Everybody I talked to about her thought she totally digged me, just wanted to go slow a bit which we were. She would call me, initiate texts, etc... and it all just turned so quickly - like the past 4-5 days. I think that's what hurts the most. The hope and connection which I feel I rarely get with someone, all for it to just disappear so unexpectedly.

 

She talked about this intense relationship more so in the past few days - and was the "theme" of the talk last night. I have to assume it's just a nice way to let me down. I generally have a good sense of when women are in to me or not and every piece of evidence pointed to her being in to me. That is what is just crushing me right now. I'm sorry, I know it wasn't anything serious, but it just hurts a lot.

[Standard-Fare]

So to be clear, the two of you only slept together the one time? And her attitude seemed to change almost immediately after that?

 

What was your impression of the sex—do you think it went ok? Can you rule out the possibility that poor chemistry in that department might have cooled down her feelings?

 

If so, my guess is that the sex made this relationship feel more "real" for her and she realized it was a commitment she couldn't handle. Which sucks. A lot. But at least she had the decency to sit down with you and lay down where she stands.

 

Maybe it's a copout for her to blame this "intense relationship" from the past, but it does sound like that is really playing some kind of factor here, whether or not it's the only the factor.

[rayj83]

So to be clear, the two of you only slept together the one time? And her attitude seemed to change almost immediately after that? We had many intense make out sessions, one oral sex session (where I gave her an orgasm which she said was not always easy for her) and had sex once.

 

What was your impression of the sex—do you think it went ok? Can you rule out the possibility that poor chemistry in that department might have cooled down her feelings? The sex went well I thought! I had no issues about our sexual chemistry and she even said so last night. She also didn't turn "cold" until well after our first time having sex, so have a hard time believing that was the culprit

 

If so, my guess is that the sex made this relationship feel more "real" for her and she realized it was a commitment she couldn't handle. Which sucks. A lot. But at least she had the decency to sit down with you and lay down where she stands. This would be my guess. And perhaps the guy was back in the picture? She mentioned he is still pining for her and she really loved him, but he was emotionally abusive towards her. She said she wished we met a month or two down the road when she felt more ready. I sent her a note saying not to feel bad and if things change to let me know! Because you never know right? She seems like an honest person and if it was that she wasn't feeling the chemistry with me should have said that instead of this stuff on not being ready for a relationship or not being able to let me in. We got to a point where it was time for it to turn into "something" - I wasn't pushing it, but it was just naturally unfolding that way and she clearly didn't want that right now.

 

Maybe it's a copout for her to blame this "intense relationship" from the past, but it does sound like that is really playing some kind of factor here, whether or not it's the only the factor. Hard to know for sure. The intense relationship was 6 months and she said it hurt a lot and it was only 2 months ago it ended. So I have no idea - I know people will say she just wasnt that in to me, but honestly believe there was something more to his.

 

 

See my responses above.

[Fensun90]

I just read this and the other post you wrote. It's amazing how much your story sound like my story. She was also in a abusive relationship.

 

I feel for you bro. I was also getting real feelings for her and also kept going despite my fear of rejection, which often is stopping me in other relationship.

 

 

Maybe she will come back, you never now! Maybe she's just not ready and will call you up sometime in the future. Girls are funny like this.

 

You will get over this sting. Go for a long drive and listen to some good music. Just start talking to some girls on tinder or something. This girl blew me off a few days ago and I already started talking to two new girls on tinder. I really feel this helps.

 

Not saying things don't still hurt, but everything to keep you occupied.

[rayj83]

Thanks for this. I mean it wasn't that long (maybe 3-4 weeks) but it was just so crazy to me how things could pivot so quickly. She seemed so in to me, and then it changed and it was during a time I hadn't seen her for a few days. Then she started initiating more. I went over last night and she said she had no intention of bringing this up, but it just happened naturally I guess because the conversation of the guy she was seeing that ended somehow came up and she went on about how intense it was, how it crashed and burned, how angry she was because he was emotionally abusive, how she would never get back with him, but also that she saw him recently and that made me think maybe they've been talking? She mentioned he seemed sorry and wanted her back. I don't know. All I know is, I've actually been in this kind of situation before that lasted longer and I got really burned. I think I was smart to kind of fish around a bit and not come on too strong, but ultimately my fate was sealed regardless.

 

She sent me a note saying I've got all the qualities she wants in someone and thinks I'm amazing but she feels she can only give me 1/2 of what she can right now, and that she needs to be on her own.

 

The hardest thing for me is just the idea that someone is so in to you, and then gone, and it hurts because you wonder 1. what is it about you they don't like (for me, it's always been maybe I'm too sweet, too nice, too boring?) but I don't honestly feel I'm boring and 2. the hope of what could have been based on how she was reacting so positively. I'm just so upset. I don't know why this is getting to me so much. I do have a horrible time with rejection and now just think I'll never meet anyone. Here was someone I was so compatible with sexually, emotionally and in so many other areas. And she just bailed on it.

[Juha]

Sorry to hear about what happened.

 

You just never know, some people can't get out of their own way.

 

You will never know the reason(s) on why she turned on a dime and went cold on you.

 

She can tell you whatever she wants, you should go on her actions. Her actions tell you she is not interested and to move on to another woman.

 

I will give her credit that she did not just fade/ghost you like so many others would.

 

There is nothing you can do unfortunately but to move forward.

 

I wish you luck

[rayj83]

Sorry to hear about what happened.

 

You just never know, some people can't get out of their own way.

 

You will never know the reason(s) on why she turned on a dime and went cold on you.

 

She can tell you whatever she wants, you should go on her actions. Her actions tell you she is not interested and to move on to another woman.

 

I will give her credit that she did not just fade/ghost you like so many others would.

 

There is nothing you can do unfortunately but to move forward.

 

I wish you luck

 

I feel I just lost someone who I was very compatible with and got SO excited to see and was so happy to see her name come up when she messaged me. Here interest in me felt so real. I just don't understand it and it just hurts so much. I wish it didn't. I literally can't get out of bed. I had to build up the courage to break through my fears and face them and take a chance on her, and I did, and of course it backfires again. I wish I could brush it off more easily but I just can't. I get someone not being into me, I've been there done that. But for it to fade out just when things felt so good and I was so excited and just before things maybe got a bit more serious,... what gives? Like if she was in to me at least partially, why not give that a chance and see? Instead you're too scared of that? I'm so confused.

[Fensun90]

Thanks for this. I mean it wasn't that long (maybe 3-4 weeks) but it was just so crazy to me how things could pivot so quickly. She seemed so in to me, and then it changed and it was during a time I hadn't seen her for a few days. Then she started initiating more. I went over last night and she said she had no intention of bringing this up, but it just happened naturally I guess because the conversation of the guy she was seeing that ended somehow came up and she went on about how intense it was, how it crashed and burned, how angry she was because he was emotionally abusive, how she would never get back with him, but also that she saw him recently and that made me think maybe they've been talking? She mentioned he seemed sorry and wanted her back. I don't know. All I know is, I've actually been in this kind of situation before that lasted longer and I got really burned. I think I was smart to kind of fish around a bit and not come on too strong, but ultimately my fate was sealed regardless.

 

She sent me a note saying I've got all the qualities she wants in someone and thinks I'm amazing but she feels she can only give me 1/2 of what she can right now, and that she needs to be on her own.

 

The hardest thing for me is just the idea that someone is so in to you, and then gone, and it hurts because you wonder 1. what is it about you they don't like (for me, it's always been maybe I'm too sweet, too nice, too boring?) but I don't honestly feel I'm boring and 2. the hope of what could have been based on how she was reacting so positively. I'm just so upset. I don't know why this is getting to me so much. I do have a horrible time with rejection and now just think I'll never meet anyone. Here was someone I was so compatible with sexually, emotionally and in so many other areas. And she just bailed on it.

 

 

 

Yep. It's really amazing how it can be like this. I will never understand people who do this. I've had so many situations like this as well. Starts off great. Start to get feelings, in my head almost planning and forseeing the whole future with her and suddenly it all goes to ****.

 

Maybe she got put off because she sensed you were more into her than vice versa. Who knows. She'll probably never say to not hurt your feelings.

 

Maybe you did something or maybe she's just a bit twisted in the head.

 

 

But I agree it's crazy how some chicks can just bail like this.

[BC1980]

It's sounds like some kind of rebound situation. I think these things always sting, but you get over them quickly. It's safer to pace yourself and not get too attached or imagine what might happen early on.

[rayj83]

It's sounds like some kind of rebound situation. I think these things always sting, but you get over them quickly. It's safer to pace yourself and not get too attached or imagine what might happen early on.

 

Maybe - I don't know. I just thought she was being so genuine in what she was saying. And now just vanishes.

[rayj83]

Truth is I guess I didn't know her all that well. Just why string me along even for the 3-4 weeks? It's the fact there was such potential here and it was thrown away for nothing in particular. We had chemistry - she said I had all the qualities she wanted in a guy. And I was amazing. So why run from that

[rayj83]

One minute she’s telling me she really likes me and how much fun she’s having then I see her 4-5 days later and it’s “I don’t know if I’m looking for a relationship” and talking about how intense her last relationship was and he may he still trying to reconcile? At least if she didn’t like me from the beginning it would make more sense to me. Maybe having sex with her freaked her out because that’s when I noticed a big change. Or she seemed excited to have a sleepover then was worried when she thought it might turn into something more serious and she didn’t think she could handle it. I just can’t understand it. And it just crushes me. I wish it didn’t. I know there’s much worse problems in this world.

[rayj83]

Thing is I was extremely attracted to her and I felt the same until she pulled away. I basically said if things change down the road to reach out and of course I'm never going to contact her again unless she does. I know holding out hope is not the answer, but a part of me wonders once she feels more ready she may reach out? All of the signs of her interest in me were there, even when she kind of ended it (she said I have everything she wants in a person, I'm amazing, she likes me, it's just she can't give me what is fair to me right now). Is this typically just a way for someone to blow you off or is there some truth there and maybe in time she reaches back out? The "crash" of this all is what is really hurting. I can handle rejection after a few dates or even if a relationship doesn't go anywhere, but this was so unexpected and so counter to what she had been doing and saying - she would make herself available to me ALL the time, told me things we'd do together in the future, etc... and then just seemed to disappear once the idea of a relationship developing was progressing. I never pushed a relationship on her, she probably just felt it was where this was heading.

[Dis]

It's smart to talk to the person you're dating about what their dating goals are. That way, you'll know if you're on the same page or not

 

It didn't mean much that she was having a good time with you and having sex with you if she didn't want the same thing you did

 

Next time be more careful and ask your next date what she wants out of dating before you get invested. That will save you heartbreak and time.

 

Keep your chin up

[Normm]

Read some breakup threads on this forum.

 

 

Many of them share a common theme. He or she told me how much he or she loved me last week and this week they say they need space because they don't know what they want.

 

 

I don't understand it either, it has not been my experience with various relationship partners over the last 30+ years of my dating life, perhaps I've been fortunate to meet women that actually know what they want, but I'll tell you this much-

 

 

I've been the dumper much more often than dumped and when I'm at the point that I'm not sure I want to continue in a relationship I have been prone to send mixed messages as well, so it's probably fair to say that others act this way as well.

 

 

 

No matter how you interpret her change of mood or whatever you want to call it, it's not good, possibly signals the end is coming but even more importantly why do you put up with such nonsense? No one is important enough to allow yourself to be pulled on their strings.

[lovelymay]

Things can change very fast... it can be anything influencing it.

Maybe her time with you wasn’t what she was used to with him and she misses that?

[rayj83]

More I think about it, she did bring up this ex a lot and got very hurt I think. She was extremely in to me up until the last time I saw her, but maybe as things were progressing (especially after sex) she realized she couldn't do it. It's very frustrating because the times I was with her she was very hesitant to truly open up to me - I tried to have deeper, more intimate conversations about life and getting to know each other but she always seemed guarded. Her last message to me communicated that she thought it might have been her experience with ME that was causing that and causing her to question whether she wanted a relationship, but frankly, I think it had more to do with her situation rather than our connection or anything.

 

Anyways, this really sucks because it had so much promise and there was so much reciprocal interest. Something changed once things were starting to progress past the 5th or 6th date - I think she's left thinking it was something about me and our connection (which is fine if she thinks that) but I honestly believe it had more to do with her being emotionally unavailable from having such a recent, intense breakup and knowing this guy was still in the picture.

 

I wish I could explain this all to her, but obviously I can't! When someone shows so much interest in you (and I felt is so much), communicates it, tells you you have almost all the qualities they want in someone, but weren't sure about a relationship and (based on reflecting on their time with you) wish they met you 1-2 months from now (presumably because she might be in a better space) and they will probably regret letting you go, it really sucks!!!!

 

I told her to contact me if anything changes. I know holding out hope is never good, but any chance this chick comes back if she gets in a better emotional space? I wish she could realize her emotional unavailability and having her guard up were more of the issue rather than me.

[Normm]

Truth is I guess I didn't know her all that well. Just why string me along even for the 3-4 weeks? It's the fact there was such potential here and it was thrown away for nothing in particular. We had chemistry - she said I had all the qualities she wanted in a guy. And I was amazing. So why run from that

 

You were bait and switched. Oldest marketing trick in the book. Don’t beat yourself up over it.

[Larry56]

It's smart to talk to the person you're dating about what their dating goals are. That way, you'll know if you're on the same page or not

 

It didn't mean much that she was having a good time with you and having sex with you if she didn't want the same thing you did

 

Next time be more careful and ask your next date what she wants out of dating before you get invested. That will save you heartbreak and time.

 

Keep your chin up

 

Lol. You havern't met many female players have you. Eg most of the planet of females has a potential to play a guy - it just depends on who the guy is to her.

[rayj83]

It's smart to talk to the person you're dating about what their dating goals are. That way, you'll know if you're on the same page or not

 

It didn't mean much that she was having a good time with you and having sex with you if she didn't want the same thing you did

 

Next time be more careful and ask your next date what she wants out of dating before you get invested. That will save you heartbreak and time.

 

Keep your chin up

 

 

Thanks. I assumed (never assume I know) she was dating to find a partner. Again, I just don't get the sudden shift and fact she brought this up as it was getting closer to becoming something more intense. The whole time I was with her she never let me "in" - I always felt she was guarded and protecting something. Her recent heartbreaks probably influenced that, the other guy? But it may have just been me? I could analyze this to death I know. But the fact is, she was really in to me (I could tell) and said I was everything she wanted but I think got scared when she didn't feel she wanted a relationship with me. How do you get her to understand a huge part of the reason is she wasn't willing to be vulnerable, let her guard down, really connect with me, etc...? Who is going to tell her that or help her understand that? Obviously I can't - it's just my frustration because I know if she did, things would have been different.

[rayj83]

Ok so after 2.5 months of no contact (I had sent her a message 2.5 months ago basically saying if things change for her to reach out), she messaged me and said she was thinking of me and wanted to get together. Also asked if I was single, so I'm assuming she's considering exploring something with me. But I also see her back on dating apps, so don't know what to do.

 

Any advice? Part of me wants to give her a chance to explain herself and maybe she was being totally honest about just not being ready and it not being about me. On the other hand, seeing she's on dating apps makes me think maybe she wants to explore the field a bit, and I don't want to get hurt by getting myself back into something as a backup option.

 

What do you all think?