Gotensive Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 So, for the past month and a half I've went out with this girl who I liked, and who I thought liked me. Everything was going well, we would text every day multiple times, and when we hung out, we always had fun (or so I thought), and talked for hours. Her roommates even said she talked about me to them all the time. Now, for the past few days I've noticed she was getting more "cold", and texting less, and on Sunday for the first time she didn't text me at all. I contacted her Monday to see if she was ok, and she said yes, but I noticed that suddenly I was the one texting all the time, while she was giving me short answers. On Monday Night I asked if she wanted to hang out this coming week, and she never answered. so Tuesday (today) I asked her again, and she suddenly claimed to be very busy and basically told me she couldn't hang out anymore. This has happened to me before, so I figured that she lost interest in me for whatever reason, and so I left it at that. But, I decided since I liked her a lot to ask her for the real truth, and it came out. She was no longer interested in me. She claimed it wasn't because of me personally, but rather because she needed to "find herself", and because of school and other things (though she told me last week she has been happy lately), but I don't believe it (but maybe it's true, who knows). I don't know, it just sucks to think that I thought I had something good with someone, for them to suddenly out of nowhere decide that I was no longer worthy of their time. Sucks even more because I tend to be generous with girls, and I have a feeling she may have taken advantage of that. And before anyone says anything, no I don't think she owes me anything because of my generosity, but it just sucks when this happens. I know I have to "move on", but I just felt like venting.
jjb117 Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 See, with these kinds of things, you’ll never know the answer. Ever. Who knows, maybe an Ex came back, maybe she met someone new, maybe she really does want to find herself and take a break from dating, like what I’m trying to say is that you shouldn’t worry about the reason, but know that it is basically over. Listen, I have noticed in my life that girls sometimes go through the “slow fade” instead of being upfront with stuff, but to me that is usually before knowing her for a month. Anything after that I truly do feel is disrespectful. But hey, at least she was upfront with you and now you have every reason to move on. It’ll sting for a week or so, but trust me, with no contact, you’ll bbe back on track. 1
I'veseenbetterlol Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 Men do this too, it's not an exclusive thing for either gender. I have had this happen to me quite a bit and I think I know the answer. They were never super into you anyways and didn't want the commitment. As soon as the excitement wears off, they are gone. The whole "finding herself" is such BS! She is leaving you open as option as you are more likely to take her back then if she says she isn't interested. Do not waste a single second thinking about her anymore and if she comes back, kick her to the curb. 4
Author Gotensive Posted September 19, 2018 Author Posted September 19, 2018 Men do this too' date=' it's not an exclusive thing for either gender. I have had this happen to me quite a bit and I think I know the answer. They were never super into you anyways and didn't want the commitment. As soon as the excitement wears off, they are gone. The whole "finding herself" is such BS! She is leaving you open as option as you are more likely to take her back then if she says she isn't interested. Do not waste a single second thinking about her anymore and if she comes back, kick her to the curb.[/quote'] well she did tell me flat out she wasn't interested anymore (after I asked her to be honest). But you may be right, she probably wasn't that interested in the first place.
kendahke Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 What you experienced happens all throughout dating, at all ages and with both genders. What starts out as seeming like you two are vibing turns out that only one of you is and you assume that what you're projecting is exactly what they feel. The best advice is to never, ever let your imagination get too far ahead of where your reality is. Live in the now and not in the future or the past. 1
smackie9 Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 Stop being "generous" with girls. Putting them up on a pedestal is the worst. You like a girl you state your interested in dating her at the start. That's how she and you can see any potential in each other to take it further. She looked at you as a friend, then got the feeling your were in it for more than that so she backed off. She never took advantage of anything. You made the choice to chase without giving her intention...she's not a mind reader nor are you, so communicating and not assuming will stop these things from happening. 1
Author Gotensive Posted September 19, 2018 Author Posted September 19, 2018 Stop being "generous" with girls. Putting them up on a pedestal is the worst. You like a girl you state your interested in dating her at the start. That's how she and you can see any potential in each other to take it further. She looked at you as a friend, then got the feeling your were in it for more than that so she backed off. She never took advantage of anything. You made the choice to chase without giving her intention...she's not a mind reader nor are you, so communicating and not assuming will stop these things from happening. She's the one who started everything though. She told me she thought I was cute, and I found out and asked her out. So at the very least she liked me (physically at least) at one point.
newyorker11356 Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 Yeah, I don't believe this whole "finding yourself" excuse, at least in this situation. Could it be true? Possibly, but 9 times out of 10, it's usually not true. She clearly didn't need to find herself the last month and a half with you. My guess? Either an ex-boyfriend came back into her life, met someone new that intrigues her more, or she was deciding between you and another guy and ultimately picked him over you (more of a connection/chemistry with). 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 That's why people spend time to get to know each other so they can decide if they want to be together. Surely you yourself have met girls that you're initially attracted to, when you didn't know anything about her, then you spend time together and you no long believe there is long term potential. If one or both parties did not lose interest, wouldn't we all simply be with the first person we meet? I was really into this guy, then I lost interest. He's still the same person he's been all his life, and he's not weird or clingy or standoffish or anything. At some point the conversation fizzled out a bit, I started to see some narrow mindedness in him, there was some rudeness when he drives, all small things by themselves. And I'm sure I have my flaws too. It's a process of finding someone compatible. 1
Author Gotensive Posted September 19, 2018 Author Posted September 19, 2018 (edited) That's why people spend time to get to know each other so they can decide if they want to be together. Surely you yourself have met girls that you're initially attracted to, when you didn't know anything about her, then you spend time together and you no long believe there is long term potential. If one or both parties did not lose interest, wouldn't we all simply be with the first person we meet? I was really into this guy, then I lost interest. He's still the same person he's been all his life, and he's not weird or clingy or standoffish or anything. At some point the conversation fizzled out a bit, I started to see some narrow mindedness in him, there was some rudeness when he drives, all small things by themselves. And I'm sure I have my flaws too. It's a process of finding someone compatible. Fair enough. I guess I wish girls were sometimes more honest. I understand not wanting to hurt feelings, but pretending like you're suddenly too busy for anything is just immature, IMO. Also, the way she cut me off completely kind of hurt. At the very least we could have been friends. I have no issues with being only friends with girls. She cut me off like I did something bad to her. Edited September 19, 2018 by Gotensive
ExpatInItaly Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 Fair enough. I guess I wish girls were sometimes more honest. I understand not wanting to hurt feelings, but pretending like you're suddenly too busy for anything is just immature, IMO. Also, the way she cut me off completely kind of hurt. At the very least we could have been friends. I have no issues with being only friends with girls. She cut me off like I did something bad to her. And we wish guys were more honest, too. I promise you, this behaviour is not something that is limited to any one gender. My friends and I used to hear that kind of thing from guys back in our single days too. Anyway, it hurts, nonetheless. My guess is that she met someone else or an ex resurfaced. Being friends after attempting to ghost you would have just been awkward so it's better that she's not trying to explore that route. 1
BC1980 Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 What you're describing is just dating. People realize they aren't really that interested for whatever reason. It's probably not personal. 2
Author Gotensive Posted September 19, 2018 Author Posted September 19, 2018 What you're describing is just dating. People realize they aren't really that interested for whatever reason. It's probably not personal. I understand, I guess what struck me as odd was how rapid it happened. One day we were hanging out and talking about meeting again, and then suddenly she never wants to see me again. Oh well, I guess I just read things wrong.
Larry56 Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 Yeah I've been through this once or twice. (I'm a guy). My first question is. How did she react/act when you started going out. Was she very neutral/pragmatic or head over heels? How would you rate her interest in you? The times when this happened to me I can tell you the interest from the woman was about 50 - 60% to begin with. I had the same situation as you (although we were having sex and I can't tell from your situation if you did) but what happened was the contact got less and less. I asked a few girls who had no interest in my what the reason was on why a woman They said it was down to. From the beginning you didn't tick enough boxes to begin with. and that can be because of; Your Career, your looks, your height, your personality, how you smell, how you talk, how you dress... etc and etc...women look at the whole picture when it comes to a guy. So sometimes it don't matter even what you do from beginning to end...whether or not you over text/under text the lady....I would say it's better not to try pursue a woman for a relationship...just let that come to you naturally over time. Hope that helps. 2
Author Gotensive Posted September 19, 2018 Author Posted September 19, 2018 Yeah I've been through this once or twice. (I'm a guy). My first question is. How did she react/act when you started going out. Was she very neutral/pragmatic or head over heels? How would you rate her interest in you? The times when this happened to me I can tell you the interest from the woman was about 50 - 60% to begin with. I had the same situation as you (although we were having sex and I can't tell from your situation if you did) but what happened was the contact got less and less. I asked a few girls who had no interest in my what the reason was on why a woman They said it was down to. From the beginning you didn't tick enough boxes to begin with. and that can be because of; Your Career, your looks, your height, your personality, how you smell, how you talk, how you dress... etc and etc...women look at the whole picture when it comes to a guy. So sometimes it don't matter even what you do from beginning to end...whether or not you over text/under text the lady....I would say it's better not to try pursue a woman for a relationship...just let that come to you naturally over time. Hope that helps. I don't think she was head over heels, but she WAS the one to talk to me first. In fact she noticed me first. And no, we never had sex. Only kissed. We spent hours talking though, but I'm starting to think maybe she lost interest early on, but was giving it a chance. Honestly, while I'm still somewhat upset (mainly because how fast she kicked me aside), it may have been for the better. Guess she wasn't the right one for me, and me not the right one for her.
Larry56 Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 I don't think she was head over heels, but she WAS the one to talk to me first. In fact she noticed me first. And no, we never had sex. Only kissed. We spent hours talking though, but I'm starting to think maybe she lost interest early on, but was giving it a chance. Honestly, while I'm still somewhat upset (mainly because how fast she kicked me aside), it may have been for the better. Guess she wasn't the right one for me, and me not the right one for her. Yeah I totally get that. I agree it's a sucky thing when someone uses you for your time and energy and then disappears and gives you a lame response that doesn't explain anything. She came on to you...but what she was probably thinking in her mind was. "Okay...I've got nothing going on at the moment but this guy seems alright. I'll deal with him and see how it goes". But if they're not super excited to see you from the beginning...they aren't trying to impress you...you get what I mean. Again, it just comes down to...she wanted energy and attention and you gave it to her. But don't worry..happens to literally every person at some point. You can see from all the threads here on this forum.
Normm Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 we would text every day multiple times, and when we hung out, we always had fun (or so I thought), and talked for hours. Mistake #1. Too much, too soon. The relationship took over your lives. It ran fast, it ran hot, it ran furious, and it burned out. Predictably. You gotta let these things build and you gotta keep it cool. Otherwise one or both will feel too much pressure and the change in their lives will not be a positive one. Or at the very least it won't feel like it's a good thing and one or both will wake up one day and say "WTF am I doing, do I even know this person why am I letting this take over my life?!". Now, for the past few days I've noticed she was getting more "cold", and texting less, and on Sunday for the first time she didn't text me at all. I don't know how you responded to her backing off but the correct response is, after one or two unreplied texts or calls, you "sit on your hands" until you hear from her. Even if it's never. I contacted her Monday to see if she was ok No, you contacted her Monday because you were starting to panic, after thinking about her every minute of every day and getting more and more anxious about her lack of contact. It was about you, not her. I was the one texting all the time, while she was giving me short answers. That should NEVER happen. On Monday Night I asked if she wanted to hang out this coming week, and she never answered. so Tuesday (today) I asked her again, and she suddenly claimed to be very busy and basically told me she couldn't hang out anymore. [/quopte] See my response above. Stop chasing. It's really unattractive, weak, needy, clingy and will push a person with conflicted thoughts further away that much faster. This has happened to me before No surprise there. She claimed it wasn't because of me personally, but rather because she needed to "find herself", That's the default answer dumpers give. You'll never get the truth, you''ll never get closure, and the fact is she might not even know why she suddenly lost interest in you. A lot of this is at a subconscious level. You need to learn from your failures so you stop perpetuating them. 3
Larry56 Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 I don't think she was head over heels, but she WAS the one to talk to me first. In fact she noticed me first. . Probably because you had some good qualities about you that she liked..but unless you're exactly what they are looking for...it doesn't normally work out.
OnlyHonesty Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 On Monday Night I asked if she wanted to hang out this coming week, and she never answered. so Tuesday (today) I asked her again https://www.loveshack.org/forums/romantic/dating/664429-got-ghosted-but-then-i-got-text-today#post7633057
Lotsgoingon Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 All the responses you've received here are excellent. I'll just highlight a few: Chasing never works. Someone is suddenly out of touch--it's because they want to be out of touch. People don't lose contact by accident these days. In the middle of wars and modern war zones, people post to social media! Chill when people get distant. Go quiet. Let them come to you ... show some self respect here. Begging NEVER works. Let yourself begin the process of letting go. Texting frequently means nothing. Texting and talking on social media are so inherently intoxicating (great way to fill time) that in fact, those activities don't mean the person is into you. Just means they're into you enough to have a conversation. Cut the texting and go out more ... BTW: "busy" is quite polite ... and it's not rude for a woman to say she's "busy." That's clear code ... and has been for the last 100,000 years of human history ... for ... I don't want to date you. When people are interested, they make themselves available. And if they are in some odd emergency, they will still contact you and tell you how much they look forward to meeting you. Busy is not a secret code ... It's your job to read and interpret that code, which is as obvious as a woman at the end of a date stepping ten feet away from you, saying thank you ... not saying she enjoyed herself ... and not saying she would like to hang out again.n 3
Author Gotensive Posted September 19, 2018 Author Posted September 19, 2018 Yeah I totally get that. I agree it's a sucky thing when someone uses you for your time and energy and then disappears and gives you a lame response that doesn't explain anything. She came on to you...but what she was probably thinking in her mind was. "Okay...I've got nothing going on at the moment but this guy seems alright. I'll deal with him and see how it goes". But if they're not super excited to see you from the beginning...they aren't trying to impress you...you get what I mean. Again, it just comes down to...she wanted energy and attention and you gave it to her. But don't worry..happens to literally every person at some point. You can see from all the threads here on this forum. Yeah, I agree. While I don't (and will likely never know) for sure why she suddenly lost interest, I think what you posted here is very likely what happened. I know last year she had a long term relationship with a guy for 4 years who cheated on her. After that she went out on a few dates with other guys. Seems she just wants to casually date right now. I can't blame her, she's young (only 20).
Author Gotensive Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 Mistake #1. Too much, too soon. The relationship took over your lives. It ran fast, it ran hot, it ran furious, and it burned out. Predictably. You gotta let these things build and you gotta keep it cool. Otherwise one or both will feel too much pressure and the change in their lives will not be a positive one. Or at the very least it won't feel like it's a good thing and one or both will wake up one day and say "WTF am I doing, do I even know this person why am I letting this take over my life?!". I don't know how you responded to her backing off but the correct response is, after one or two unreplied texts or calls, you "sit on your hands" until you hear from her. Even if it's never. No, you contacted her Monday because you were starting to panic, after thinking about her every minute of every day and getting more and more anxious about her lack of contact. It was about you, not her. That should NEVER happen. On Monday Night I asked if she wanted to hang out this coming week, and she never answered. so Tuesday (today) I asked her again, and she suddenly claimed to be very busy and basically told me she couldn't hang out anymore. See my response above. Stop chasing. It's really unattractive, weak, needy, clingy and will push a person with conflicted thoughts further away that much faster. No surprise there. That's the default answer dumpers give. You'll never get the truth, you''ll never get closure, and the fact is she might not even know why she suddenly lost interest in you. A lot of this is at a subconscious level. You need to learn from your failures so you stop perpetuating them. Agreed here.
Larry56 Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 Yeah, I agree. While I don't (and will likely never know) for sure why she suddenly lost interest, I think what you posted here is very likely what happened. I know last year she had a long term relationship with a guy for 4 years who cheated on her. After that she went out on a few dates with other guys. Seems she just wants to casually date right now. I can't blame her, she's young (only 20). Yeah just let her do her thing, you're free also to go out and do your thing too.
Author Gotensive Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 Yeah just let her do her thing, you're free also to go out and do your thing too. Yeah I will. I have self esteem issues, and I'm shy to approach girls, but i'm trying to work on that.
Recommended Posts