Kind of long... want my ex back. Is there hope?

[JJ198410]

**I accidentally posted this in the dating category so here goes nothing**

 

I met my ex in March of this year, after having been on an 8-month dating hiatus. We broke up at the end of August, right before I still took him to a concert for his birthday.

 

When I met him, we spent all night smitten with each other, ignoring our friends who brought us together unbeknownst to them. We ended up making out and dancing all night; it made me feel like a teenager again. When I woke up the next day to a text from him asking me out it took me six hours to decide whether or not I was going to accept the date because I had spent eight months recovering from heartbreak and working on myself so I didn't want to give away parts of myself to a guy. I wanted to keep it as "one juicy night" with details I could share over wine with girlfriends during those moments in my life that felt bleak (we didn't sleep together, we just shared a romantic evening that felt like only two of us were there).

 

When I agreed to the date, I was surprised at how well we got along. Shortly thereafter, we started seeing each other almost every day and we soon entered into a committed relationship. I don't know how or when things went wrong, but at one point I started to feel as though i was not enough for him (without going into too much detail, he has a history of drug usage and started spending time with his friends who supplied his habits - this made me insecure because one time he made a comment that if I wanted to keep him away from his old life then we needed to hang out all the time because if he was with me, he wouldn't have time to be with them). As a result, we started fighting because I felt we weren't connecting. The more I felt we weren't connecting, the more we fought and the more he chose to see his friends instead of me (this went on for about three weeks).

 

In August, I went on a 1.5 week family vacation to visit my brother who's in the service. When I returned, he and I got into a blow out fight and we broke up. We fought for several reasons - he didn't want to see me almost immediately when I returned (he was with his dad but I told him I didn't believe him and accused him of being a liar), and he was upset with me for not asking him to pick me up from the airport. All of this seems trivial and arbitrary now.

 

We spent time together after the break up because I took him to see one of his favorite bands. Even though we were broken up, I still wanted him to enjoy the birthday present I got for him. That night, he behaved as though we were still together. He even pulled me in and told me he was sad that things happened the way they did between us. As we were driving home from the concert he told me that he doesn't want me out of his life and he wants u s to try to reconnect, but things just aren't "good for him" right now. He mentioned a couple of times that he feels he doesn't have his act together in terms of finances, career, and personal (his drug use). I started implementing the 30 day no contact rule, but on day six I ran into him at a bar. We talked and he said that he had been thinking of calling me. I was curt and he said that he was hurt because of how I was acting. When I asked why he hadn't called me, he said that he could ask me the same thing. I snapped back at him and said "You asked for space. I'm giving you space."

 

The following day, I reached out to him to gain clarity, but he didn't want to hear it. Things escalated (he asked me multiple times for more time because he wasn't ready to talk and I insisted because he promised since the night before he seemed really chatty about wanting to know why he hadn't heard from me), so things escalated, and he blocked my number. Although he blocked my number, he kept me on all social media. I confronted him about it and he said that he wants to eventually talk about things when both of our feelings and emotions have cooled off because he can tell that we both haven't had enough time apart. He's asked me to be patient with him until he's ready to talk. He also said that he felt like I was moving on because he saw my snap stories and I was posting almost every night that I was out with my girlfriends.

 

I started no contact on 09/01/2018 and then restarted on 09/10/2018. On 09/12/2018, I reached out to him via social media, he read it but didn't reply, so I started no contact again on 09/13/2018. I'm now on day five.

 

He lives down the street from my best friend and on Saturday I saw him driving. IDK if he saw me or not, but my heart and stomach have been in knots ever since. I still love him and have a crap ton of feelings for him. When I saw him out, I felt his feelings for me were still strong too.

 

 

Are we doomed? Is there any possibility of a reconciliation? I know there are red flags all over (hey, at least I'm honest with myself). I'm just curious to know if I'm completely doomed or if there's a possibility I might hear from him again.

 

Also, full disclosure - when things started to go south I freaked out on him a lot because I did not know how to voice my concerns that we weren't connecting. I was afraid that I was going to rock the boat, so I feel like I pushed him back into his circle of friends. Also, when he started spending time with his friends I also freaked out on him a few times. Each time, he was very patient and loving with me because he told me that he didn't want to lose us... So I freaked out on him not because I was jealous, but because I was scared. He freaked out on me once too because I went to a restaurant and learned my ex was the manager.. so this are just kind of a clusterfizzle

Edited September 19, 2018 by JJ198410
Details

[ExpatInItaly]

This is probably over for good, OP.

 

There have been too many fights, too many starts and stops, and he's told you he isn't able to offer you a relationship at this time. I would just leave it alone now.

 

How old are you both, for reference?

[d0nnivain]

There is no such thing as the 30 day NC rule. NC is about healing. It's not about resetting the clock or making somebody miss you.

 

If you want to fix what is wrong in a relationship you have to communicate & work together. You two have lousy communication skills, very little trust and no conflict resolution skills.

 

He should have told you that he was disappointed that you didn't let him pick you up from the airport. Had he said something before your trip, you could have accommodated him. When you found out later that his feelings were hurt the correct response from you should have been "I'm sorry. I didn't know."

 

When he told you he was with his dad, you immediately jumped to calling him a liar. The fact that you went there tells me you have no trust. Why do you want to get back together with a drug user you don't trust?

 

When you broke up with him, you damaged his ego. Now he's questioning everything about his life & isn't prepared to deal with the drama of your interactions until he's more confident in himself.

 

Because you two can't manage to get on the same page, I don't see how this will work. When one wants to talk the other says no out of spite to be contrary. Neither of you is coming at the other from a place of love, understanding & compromise. Without that you have no future.

 

That said if you could both manage to check your egos at the door & really communicate I think the mutual desire is there. Just neither of you have the skills to nurture a relationship or each other.

[Standard-Fare]

What type of drug use are you talking about, and how big of a problem is this in his life? That's what's standing out to me as the largest issue here, even though you kind of downplayed it in your post.

 

It's particularly standing out that he relied on you for the purpose of keeping himself away from his bad-influence drug friends. That is simply not your responsibility, and you should not feel any sense of guilt or blame for anything that did or will happen related to that.

[JJ198410]

*he broke up with me. I was feeling like we needed space but I was too scared to lose him to voice it.

 

He is 33 and I am 34. He still needs to finish his degree and he has a really crappy home life. He says he doesn’t have his act together and he has referred to himself as an addict and a loser. When we talked after the break up he said "I'm sick of feeling like a loser all the time. I don't want to be a loser for the rest of my life". When we first met, he told me that part o this life doesn’t exist when he’s with someone and if I ever asked him not to participate in that, he would respect it. He has done everything from cocaine to heroine to Molly but since I have known him, I think he did cocaine and molly pretty Regularly. When i got home from my trip we didn’t see each other that night because he didn’t want to fight and chose to be with his friends. lol he following morning he sent me a text at 6 am asking me to pick him up because he has been partying all night. In the car, I asked if he did digs and he said yes. When I asked what he did, he said “everything” but didn’t specify what he did. I told him I didn’t like it and he said that I pushed him to do it, which I think is really unfair because I didn’t put it in his hand or in his mouth.

 

When we broke up, he said that he needed to get healthy if he wanted a chance at us being happy, but from what I know he isn’t doing anything to better himself and he’s still partying every weekend.

 

When I think back to the look on his face when I was curt when I saw him out, I realize that I probably could have been a little nicer to him.

Edited September 19, 2018 by JJ198410

[Standard-Fare]

Regular use of cocaine and Molly, at age 33, seems like a pretty big red flag to me. No judgments on special-occasion use of these drugs, but this guy seems well beyond that. It also can't be excused as "youthful experimentation," either, because of his age. So you are dealing with a man-child with full-blown addiction problems which he seems to have little interest in addressing.

 

Definitely unfair, borderline emotionally abusive, that he blamed you for "pushing him" to party that night after your trip. That's some manipulative bullsh*t.

 

None of this means he's an unredeemable person who doesn't deserve love, but it does probably mean he needs to do some work on himself before he's a suitable partner for you or anyone else.

[JJ198410]

Regular use of cocaine and Molly, at age 33, seems like a pretty big red flag to me.

 

Definitely unfair, borderline emotionally abusive, that he blamed you for "pushing him" to party that night after your trip. That's some manipulative bullsh*t.

 

 

Thank you for those words as I truly feel the same and I agree with what you're saying. It's just extremely unnerving to me because he still looks at my stuff on social media (I know that social media is arbitrary and focusing on something like that is me grasping at straws); in addition, he still has pictures of us plastered all over and his status says he's in a relationship despite the fact that we have talked and we both agreed that we are broken up.

 

He seemed adamant about wanting to talk again and not wanting me out of his life; however, when I reached out to him last week he ignored me so now I feel super confused.

 

I know that he needs help, despite him telling me that he has everything under control.

 

I am just sad that I invested so much of my time in this person (we talked about marriage and kids, and we loved each others' families) and this is the current outcome of our situation; I almost feel selfish for caring.

 

He was raised in a very unstable home life. Both his bio-dad and step dad have a history of drug use and his mom has a history of being emotionally abusive and manipulative so I think that's where he learned those traits.

[ExpatInItaly]

You need to believe what he's not exactly telling you: he doesn't want a relationship, and he doesn't appear to be a solid candidate for a relationship anyway. Even if he did want to reconcile, I would have significant reservations about it.

 

As StandardFare mentioned, using coke and molly on a regular basis at his age is a serious red flag. He describes himself as an addict, and he would know better than anyone - that's exactly what he is. He's in no place to offer you the type of partnership you want.

[JJ198410]

After days of no contact and finally starting to feel OK without my ex, we talked yesterday and it became a blow out fight.

 

It was probably really childish of me to reach out, but I noticed that he deleted me on a social media app (so stupid), so I confronted him as to why. He said that he had to delete me because he felt I was being petty and playing games because I was posting photos and videos of me out with my friends.

 

He seems upset that I'm out living my life, which is the exact same thing he told me to do, so I'm upset about that.

 

During our discussion, he said a lot of REALLY mean things. He implied that he felt our relationship was meaningless to him and that even our mutual friends can't stand me and are happy we broke up (we weren't together very long, but it meant something to me especially because we saw each other almost every day, we met each others families, we celebrated birthdays, etc). We don't even really have mutual friends - only a few handful.

 

And, he's banished me from every bar and pub in the city where he lives, despite the fact that I used to frequent these locations far before I ever knew he existed.

 

He said that he wants space and complete no contact until he's ready to come back into my life, which I think is a crock and a cop out because after being berated, why would I ever want to talk to him again? He belittled me and demeaned my feelings, and had ZERO respect for the me, whom he once told he loved.

 

I'll tell you - when someone shows you who they are, believe them. Why would he be upset that I'm trying to move on and live my life, when that's exactly what he told me to do?!

Edited September 21, 2018 by JJ198410

[ExpatInItaly]

It's his ego talking, OP. Maybe also the drugs.

 

You need to cut contact with him completely and heal. He can't "banish" you from anywhere, though I sure wouldn't want to be around him.

 

This isn't going have a happy ending. The sooner you accept that, the sooner you will move on.