MindYourBusiness Posted September 18, 2018 Posted September 18, 2018 (edited) Hi guys, as many of you know I went thru a pretty ugly after being forced into an abortion in January. I started feeling really good in mid April, was focused on my career, met tons of new people and even dated for a while. I broke things off with the guy I was seeing a few weeks ago as I was always bored and just felt like we were not compatible. Since then I have been missing my ex again despite all the horrible things he has done. Did I do anything wrong processing wise? Should I have seen my psychologist longer? Will this past? Whats happening? I am so lost and need help PS: I opened up to the guy I was dating and told him about what happened to me. He did not take it well and started being distant. However, he was the one that started researching my social media and asked questions until i had no choice but to tell him everything. How should I handle this in the future? Now I feel like this is something I can never share again. Edited September 18, 2018 by Lenila1992
d0nnivain Posted September 18, 2018 Posted September 18, 2018 Since breaking things off with the new guy you are alone again. That is bringing up old feelings. When you told him what you had been through he grew distant because he correctly understood what you missed -- he was rebound. Go back to focusing on your career & your friends. Keep processing everything that happened because it was a lot. In time you will heal. But these things can't be rushed.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 18, 2018 Author Posted September 18, 2018 Since breaking things off with the new guy you are alone again. That is bringing up old feelings. When you told him what you had been through he grew distant because he correctly understood what you missed -- he was rebound. Go back to focusing on your career & your friends. Keep processing everything that happened because it was a lot. In time you will heal. But these things can't be rushed. Thanks for your thoughts on this. Are you saying that maybe it was too early for me to be seriously dating someone?
d0nnivain Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 Yes, I'm saying it was too early. Strategically you also should not have disclosed all the nitty gritty details of what you had been through. Save those for your family, your BFFs, your therapist & LS. Do not treat a new love interest like an emotional outlet.
Normm Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 I went thru a pretty ugly after being forced into an abortion in January. I read your backstory and it's clear you were not forced to have an abortion. You felt some pressure from your boyfriend but no one tied you down and involuntarily removed the twins from your body. It was your choice, it's always the woman's choice and perhaps because you have not accepted your own accountability for this act you carry the unresolved guilt and the depression that goes with it.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 I read your backstory and it's clear you were not forced to have an abortion. You felt some pressure from your boyfriend but no one tied you down and involuntarily removed the twins from your body. It was your choice, it's always the woman's choice and perhaps because you have not accepted your own accountability for this act you carry the unresolved guilt and the depression that goes with it. he said he would leave me immediately if I would decide to keep the babies. How is that not being forced? When you deeply love someone thats what you do
Normm Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 he said he would leave me immediately if I would decide to keep the babies. How is that not being forced? When you deeply love someone thats what you do That’s not being forced that’s choosing your boyfriend over your unborn children. And no, that is not necessarily what you do. I’m not judging by the way, simply pointing out that there were alternatives and you made the choice of your own free will and perhaps you’re experiencing unresolved guilt. There are women who wouldn’t even remotely consider terminating a pregnancy at the request of the father- there are several threads in this forum on that very topic- and at the other extreme you’ve got Diane Downs who attempted to murder her 3 children so she could be alone with her boyfriend.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 That’s not being forced that’s choosing your boyfriend over your unborn children. And no, that is not necessarily what you do. I’m not judging by the way, simply pointing out that there were alternatives and you made the choice of your own free will and perhaps you’re experiencing unresolved guilt. There are women who wouldn’t even remotely consider terminating a pregnancy at the request of the father- there are several threads in this forum on that very topic- and at the other extreme you’ve got Diane Downs who attempted to murder her 3 children so she could be alone with her boyfriend. I completely disagree. My boyfriend drove me in the clinic, I was crying, could even think straight. Unless you were with me in that room you should stop these insensitive comments. "BEING FORCED" comes in many forms and this is something not even a psychologist can explain rationally.
Ralph79 Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 I completely disagree. My boyfriend drove me in the clinic, I was crying, could even think straight. Unless you were with me in that room you should stop these insensitive comments. "BEING FORCED" comes in many forms and this is something not even a psychologist can explain rationally. Hello Lenila1992, Please know that it is not my intention to upset you, or judge you either, but I do see what Normm is trying to tell you. You could've not gotten in the car you were driven to the clinic in. You could've stepped out of the room when the insensitive comments didn't stop. You could've called your family or the cops even if you felt forced to do something against your will. The point is, you did have choices, and unfortunately you made the wrong ones. That doesn't make you a bad person, or a monster like your Ex. You were just coerced into making a terrible mistake. Unfortunately, given the comments he made post-abortion, your Ex is the type of person that will bring out the worst in you. As you have already been witness to. You were the victim of emotional abuse at the hands of your Ex. That's something that's really hard to overcome. It affects your relationships going forward. If you still have feelings towards your Ex, then I do think you should continue seeing your psychologist, because you should love and respect yourself enough to not desire people who treated you like trash. And in regards to commenting about your situation in upcoming dates, I also agree that this is an experience you should keep to yourself and your family until the relationship with a prospective partner is on solid ground. 1
preraph Posted September 20, 2018 Posted September 20, 2018 For starters, that kind of ultra personal stuff that is in the past has no place on your social media! Take it off and leave it off and don't put anything you don't want the whole world to see on there. So you made a mistake there. Easily remedied. Now, next guy, don't unload all that until you already know him well enough to know how he'd feel about it. And if you know he'd disapprove, either don't tell him or he's not the right guy. It's not just you but seems like everyone is spilling their entire personal history by the third date, and it's always a mistake. Men don't want to think about you with other guys or you being pregnant or having an abortion. They want to have light fun and just hope you're a good companion without a bunch of issues you are burdened with and can't stop thinking or talking about. If you need to start seeing the therapist again to keep you from unloading on your dates, then yes, you should. You can talk to girlfriends about that stuff, but only if they aren't the type to get in close with your dates and betray you telling them things. Only if they're completely trustworthy.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 For starters, that kind of ultra personal stuff that is in the past has no place on your social media! Take it off and leave it off and don't put anything you don't want the whole world to see on there. So you made a mistake there. Easily remedied. Now, next guy, don't unload all that until you already know him well enough to know how he'd feel about it. And if you know he'd disapprove, either don't tell him or he's not the right guy. It's not just you but seems like everyone is spilling their entire personal history by the third date, and it's always a mistake. Men don't want to think about you with other guys or you being pregnant or having an abortion. They want to have light fun and just hope you're a good companion without a bunch of issues you are burdened with and can't stop thinking or talking about. If you need to start seeing the therapist again to keep you from unloading on your dates, then yes, you should. You can talk to girlfriends about that stuff, but only if they aren't the type to get in close with your dates and betray you telling them things. Only if they're completely trustworthy. I think a few people misunderstood was I was trying to say. I did not openly tell the guy I was seeing all the stuff I went through. I don't post on social media AT ALL. But apparently he started feeling like something was off, or maybe he was just curious about my past so he saw what kind of pictures I liked on Facebook in the past. Thats how he found my ex and he has still pictures of us there. So he actually forced me to tell him everything. I am just not that kind of person that would unlike a billion pictures, I can't even remember what kinds of posts or pictures I liked in the past. So to me thats just straight up creepy behavior since we all have a past obviously. But if I wouldn't have told him he would have accused me of lying. So how do I handle situations like that in the future? Some things are simply not in my power. I never started a conversation like this.
Author MindYourBusiness Posted September 20, 2018 Author Posted September 20, 2018 Hello Lenila1992, Please know that it is not my intention to upset you, or judge you either, but I do see what Normm is trying to tell you. You could've not gotten in the car you were driven to the clinic in. You could've stepped out of the room when the insensitive comments didn't stop. You could've called your family or the cops even if you felt forced to do something against your will. The point is, you did have choices, and unfortunately you made the wrong ones. That doesn't make you a bad person, or a monster like your Ex. You were just coerced into making a terrible mistake. Unfortunately, given the comments he made post-abortion, your Ex is the type of person that will bring out the worst in you. As you have already been witness to. You were the victim of emotional abuse at the hands of your Ex. That's something that's really hard to overcome. It affects your relationships going forward. If you still have feelings towards your Ex, then I do think you should continue seeing your psychologist, because you should love and respect yourself enough to not desire people who treated you like trash. And in regards to commenting about your situation in upcoming dates, I also agree that this is an experience you should keep to yourself and your family until the relationship with a prospective partner is on solid ground. right now it is hard to tell if I am just thinking of him because the guy I was seeing brought it up ( personally, I thought I was really over it) or if I am lonely or if theres really still something I need to process.
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