Shocking u turn

[an0nym0us123]

Met my ex april 2017. She had fancied me for a while but had a bf. I kept her at a distance as i did not want involved as i knew her bf at the time. We ocasionally messaged but thats all. I already had a gf.

 

The i heard she had left her bf. 3 days later my gf left me so it was if by fate we were meant to be. We kept it all a secret for 3 months so not to hurt her ex. We fell in love it was amazing. There was no hot cold behaviour. She went straight fir it.

 

I was scared i was a rebound but she told me she had spent a year plucking up courage to leave as he was very controling

 

We planned our whole lives together. She wanted to marry me. Sometimes i felt she was moving to fast but went with it. It was effortless.

 

End of april this year she told me she was the happiest girl in the world and couldnt wait to spend her life with me. I was so happy.

 

Then she went a little distant. I didnt know why. I asked if she was okay and she said yes.

 

She had been friends with one of my best friends for a while and the messaged a lot. I was a little uncomfortable but never said anything cos i never told her what to do.

 

Then there was a couple of things happen which caused tension. And finally she said something horrible to me that i tackled her on. She fell apart. We tried to fix it but she wanted space. She said she never felt wanted. I told her id have given my life to save hers.

 

Then she came at me with the its not you its me. Said she needed time to herself. But that wed get back together and we would stay in touch. I said okay ill wait a little bit.

 

This was only 3 weeks after she told me how happy she was.

 

Couple of weeks past and she was initiating contact. Even came to see me and was kissing me. Telling me she loved me so much.

 

All of a sudden she went cold. Told me not to wait anymore. I asked what was going on she said she didnt know what she wanted. I asked was anyone else involved and she denied it.

 

By the end of july i found out she was going with my friend who i think she fancied. I said youve ruined our chances of getting back together. Even though she was still telling me she wanted to. They didnt even keep it a secret like we did for her ex. Everone else knew right away.

 

I contacted her last week and she said she still had all her feelings for me and loved me but didnt want to be with me right now.

 

The night before we split she showed me where we were going to have our wedding photos taken. She did a 180 in 3 weeks and took up with my friend. She obviously loves him more than me.

 

I showed her a week before we split where we could build a house on my farm. She was delighted. She loves farm animals.

 

So i went from husband to be to fall back guy in a few weeks. She was putty in my hands and now she is gone. She claimed she wasnt feeling wanted. But i bought her gifts. Was traveling to see her. Even sent her money to buy a blanket cos she forgot to take hers with her and she was cold. Id have died for her and she ditched me. I dont know if ill ever trust anyone again. I feel empty and broken.

Edited September 17, 2018 by an0nym0us123

[Orokotikki]

The night before we split she showed me where we were going to have our wedding photos taken. She did a 180 in 3 weeks and took up with my friend. She obviously loves him more than me.

 

No she loves herself more than either of you.

 

Sorry you are going through this, it must be so hard, but believe me you are lucky to have this all happen now rather than later.

 

She is not representative of all women, be done with her permanently and take care of yourself.

 

Get your yourself to a good stable place in your life before dating, you can and will find someone better and more loyal, given time.

[Marc878]

She's not relationship material. Quit wasting your time.

 

Stop contacting it just makes you look weak and needy. Very unnattractive

[Ralph79]

She had fancied me for a while but had a bf.

Mistake #1 . If someone is "fancying" you , while still in a relationship with someone else, you are just asking for trouble. No further explanation needed.

 

I kept her at a distance as i did not want involved as i knew her bf at the time. We ocasionally messaged but thats all. I already had a gf.

Mistake #2 . Not ONLY did you know this guy, (not saying he was your friend, as you clearly stated you guys only messaged), which was your main reason you steered clear of her, but oh yes, I almost forgot , you also had a girlfriend yourself too. But that didn't seem to matter much based on your description of events.

 

The i heard she had left her bf. 3 days later my gf left me so it was if by fate we were meant to be. We kept it all a secret for 3 months so not to hurt her ex. We fell in love it was amazing. There was no hot cold behaviour. She went straight fir it.

Mistake #3 . That wasn't fate. That was you forcing your way into the new Girls life , instead of trying to mend your relationship with your old GF. The fact that she left you merely 3 days after you found out that the other couple broke up speaks volumes of how you handled things. Especially knowing you consider this a fateful act, when it really wasn't. It was more likely than not calculated and inevitable.

 

There are so many things that went WRONG in your new relationship that it was an uphill climb from the start:

 

I was scared i was a rebound but she told me she had spent a year plucking up courage to leave as he was very controling

1) She went from a relationship with a very controlling guy, to another where she has to hide the fact that she's in one. Great.

 

She had been friends with one of my best friends for a while and the messaged a lot. I was a little uncomfortable but never said anything cos i never told her what to do.

2) I'm sorry if I'm being harsh with you man, but this has to be a HARD lesson you have to learn. Karma can be a terrible thing. And next time you have issues with a partner or if you start feeling disrespected ALWAYS speak up. Don't assume nothing's going to happen. I'm not saying you should tell your partners what to do in the future, but never hold back. If you have something to say then say it, or else this will happen again.

 

I told her id have given my life to save hers.

Life has thought me that the only people worthy of these words are my own flesh and blood. (ie: Parents & Children) . But that's my own personal opinion. I don't blame you for feeling this way about her. Let's just say I respectfully disagree.

 

Then she came at me with the its not you its me. Said she needed time to herself. But that wed get back together and we would stay in touch. I said okay ill wait a little bit.

 

This was only 3 weeks after she told me how happy she was.

This was your Last Mistake and the relationship killer. Again this is just my opinion, but I think that when a girl asks you to put the relationship on hold, you are better off just ending the relationship yourself right there. You at least keep your dignity intact. The moment you agreed to her terms and put your relationship and your feelings on hold for her (as if that's even possible), you have killed off the value of your relationship in her eyes. If she can cut you off anytime she wants without the risk of losing you, then you become expendable, because she can get you back on a whim.

 

Couple of weeks past and she was initiating contact. Even came to see me and was kissing me. Telling me she loved me so much.

 

All of a sudden she went cold. Told me not to wait anymore. I asked what was going on she said she didnt know what she wanted. I asked was anyone else involved and she denied it.

 

By the end of july i found out she was going with my friend who i think she fancied. I said youve ruined our chances of getting back together. Even though she was still telling me she wanted to. They didnt even keep it a secret like we did for her ex. Everone else knew right away.

 

I contacted her last week and she said she still had all her feelings for me and loved me but didnt want to be with me right now.

 

The night before we split she showed me where we were going to have our wedding photos taken. She did a 180 in 3 weeks and took up with my friend. She obviously loves him more than me.

 

I showed her a week before we split where we could build a house on my farm. She was delighted. She loves farm animals.

 

So i went from husband to be to fall back guy in a few weeks. She was putty in my hands and now she is gone. She claimed she wasnt feeling wanted. But i bought her gifts. Was traveling to see her. Even sent her money to buy a blanket cos she forgot to take hers with her and she was cold. Id have died for her and she ditched me. I dont know if ill ever trust anyone again. I feel empty and broken.

Food for thought for you to chew on:

a) There are so many possible reasons why she kept seeing you and even kissing you: guilt, fear of not establishing the new relationship with your friend, playing mind games with him, etc. The least likely reason is love.

b) Her Ex was very controlling and she was afraid to wrong him in any way. You on the other hand catered to her every need and look what that got you. I'm not saying you shouldn't be respectful and thoughtful towards women, because you have to be. But there's a difference between being a gentleman and being a doormat by putting women on pedestals.

c) She wasn't putty in your hands my friend. It was the other way around.

d) It's not that she wasn't feeling wanted. She wasn't feeling coveted anymore. Your attention stopped mattering to her.

e) She never asked you to die for her. Just because you feel ultimate passion and love for your partner, that doesn't mean they HAVE to feel the same way for you.

[AT15]

I agree with every single word you said. You read him like a book. I also, needed to hear some of this for my own wellbeing. Thank you.

 

OP, I do think you tasted karma. But on a side thought...Why and the h-ll does this women enjoy being passed around from man to man like joint? It's just ...yuck.

That alone points to some issues within herself ( that a love interest can't fix)

Edited September 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[an0nym0us123]

Mistake #1 . If someone is "fancying" you , while still in a relationship with someone else, you are just asking for trouble. No further explanation needed.

 

 

Mistake #2 . Not ONLY did you know this guy, (not saying he was your friend, as you clearly stated you guys only messaged), which was your main reason you steered clear of her, but oh yes, I almost forgot , you also had a girlfriend yourself too. But that didn't seem to matter much based on your description of events.

 

 

Mistake #3 . That wasn't fate. That was you forcing your way into the new Girls life , instead of trying to mend your relationship with your old GF. The fact that she left you merely 3 days after you found out that the other couple broke up speaks volumes of how you handled things. Especially knowing you consider this a fateful act, when it really wasn't. It was more likely than not calculated and inevitable. {snip}

 

 

Eh im sorry but you are wrong with plenty of your points. My old relationship was dead. She came to me and was all over me like a rash, i didnt have to force anything. She was the one that wanted to hide it and she actually liked that face as ut added a danger level to it. And yeah she said something horrible to me for the first time and i immediately stood my ground. She was doing most of the chasing in our relationship. Not me. If it got to the stage where i needed games to keep her im glad its over because i cant be bothered with that

 

Also in the last 3 weeks she went distant. I knew something was wrong but i didnt chase i just mirrored what she was doing and made myself busy with other things. Thats what the "experts" say and and it did no good at all.

Edited September 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[ExpatInItaly]

You were her rebound, OP.

 

You two were building glass castles in the sky with all this wedding talk, having not even dated long enough to truly see if there was a foundation to support a marriage. She got caught up in the idea of marriage and a wedding, but not for the right reasons. Like a kid playing house, so to speak.

 

In the future, listen to your gut when it's telling you that something is moving way too fast and doesn't feel right.

[an0nym0us123]

You were her rebound, OP.

 

You two were building glass castles in the sky with all this wedding talk, having not even dated long enough to truly see if there was a foundation to support a marriage. She got caught up in the idea of marriage and a wedding, but not for the right reasons. Like a kid playing house, so to speak.

 

In the future, listen to your gut when it's telling you that something is moving way too fast and doesn't feel right.

Possibly i was. But it seemed legit enough. Maybe ahes off on another rebound now. She still says she loves me and has all her feelings

[PegNosePete]

i didnt chase i just mirrored what she was doing and made myself busy with other things. Thats what the "experts" say and and it did no good at all.

Now who says that making yourself busy with other things will get your ex back? No "experts" I've ever heard of.

 

In fact it did do you good! But not in the way you wanted. This girl dumped you and was with another guy. The best possible thing you can do is to have nothing more to do with her and move on with your life. So yes, keeping yourself busy will do you a lot of good because it will help you move on rather than keeping you in the pain of being plan B.

[ExpatInItaly]

Possibly i was. But it seemed legit enough. Maybe ahes off on another rebound now. She still says she loves me and has all her feelings

 

You need to stop believing everything she says.

 

Clearly, the girl talks out her arse and says whatever she thinks sounds good. If the above were true, she would be with you now, not off dating your friend.

 

Don't be so gullible, man.

[Redhead14]

This story is filled with U-Turns. It's time for a YOU-Turn and turn away from this situation entirely and realize that you were putting too much of yourself into this and getting very little in return. Relationships need balance -- she wasn't . . .

[an0nym0us123]

Now who says that making yourself busy with other things will get your ex back? No "experts" I've ever heard of.

 

In fact it did do you good! But not in the way you wanted. This girl dumped you and was with another guy. The best possible thing you can do is to have nothing more to do with her and move on with your life. So yes, keeping yourself busy will do you a lot of good because it will help you move on rather than keeping you in the pain of being plan B.

 

Read that wrong that was the last 3 weeks we were together

[an0nym0us123]

You need to stop believing everything she says.

 

Clearly, the girl talks out her arse and says whatever she thinks sounds good. If the above were true, she would be with you now, not off dating your friend.

 

Don't be so gullible, man.

 

I said that to her. I said if you really loved me you would be with me

[an0nym0us123]

You guys are seriously readinv to much into this. I was with her for a year and it was easy peasy apart from one wobble which we soon passed. She blowing up my phone. Telling me how happy she was. Asking to see me. Telling me she loved and missed me all the time. Whatever the reason she changed her mind.

[frigginlost]

Met my ex april 2017. She had fancied me for a while but had a bf. I kept her at a distance as i did not want involved as i knew her bf at the time. We ocasionally messaged but thats all. I already had a gf.

 

Seriously, everything past this point of your original post means nothing.

 

Chalk it up to a learning experience, and stop looking at the color of grass on other peoples yards. It will bite you in the a$$ every time...

 

You're not relationship material, and neither is she.

 

Why? You're hung up on a girl who went all in with you at light speed full well knowing she was just out of a relationship *with your friend*. And she's not relationship material because she's a whore. She just hasn't realized it yet.

[an0nym0us123]

Seriously, everything past this point of your original post means nothing.

 

Chalk it up to a learning experience, and stop looking at the color of grass on other peoples yards. It will bite you in the a$$ every time...

 

You're not relationship material, and neither is she.

 

Why? You're hung up on a girl who went all in with you at light speed full well knowing she was just out of a relationship *with your friend*. And she's not relationship material because she's a whore. She just hasn't realized it yet.

 

Please explain why. I was dumped at the same time as she became single. I had very few feelings for my ex and neither did she. Please explain why i am not relationship material?

[Ralph79]

Eh im sorry but you are wrong with plenty of your points. My old relationship was dead. She came to me and was all over me like a rash, i didnt have to force anything. She was the one that wanted to hide it and she actually liked that face as ut added a danger level to it. And yeah she said something horrible to me for the first time and i immediately stood my ground. She was doing most of the chasing in our relationship. Not me. If it got to the stage where i needed games to keep her im glad its over because i cant be bothered with that

 

Also in the last 3 weeks she went distant. I knew something was wrong but i didnt chase i just mirrored what she was doing and made myself busy with other things. Thats what the "experts" say and and it did no good at all.

 

Hello an0nym0us123,

 

I know I can't be 100% accurate with an assessment of your relationship based on a single post. I'm trying to help you piece together this puzzle of a problem you have, and only you have access to all the pieces so not everything I say (or anyone else for that matter) will be entirely accurate. Only you know what truly is going on, so I will take your word for it.

 

Problems in a new relationship can sometimes be traced back to previous relationships. You downplayed your old GF's relationship (which you subsequently told us that it was "dead"). If you felt a desire to be with the new girl (Again, I am assuming based on the way you phrased the intro in your first post), but felt committed to a "dead" relationship, then there is a high probability you saw the new girl with rose-tinted glasses and ignored a lot of red flags, and brother , there were a lot.

 

When I say "forced your hand" , (granted it was a poor choice of words on my part), I meant that you had several options:

1. You could have given yourself time before entering a new relationship to reflect on what went wrong with the "dead" relationship

2. You could have dated other people just for the sake of clearing you head (not saying go sleep with them btw)

3. You could have tried to fix your "dead" relationship (then again we have zero details on this relationship, so I can't say anything further)

etc.....

See where I'm going with this? The fact that you 2 broke up at the same time, didn't necessarily mean that you HAD to be her BF. That's why I said that it wasn't Fate. But you wanted it to be, and you chose that path. Again, there were a lot of red flags , but you ignored them.

 

Also, you said that she was the one who wanted to hide the relationship. I don't know about you but when I begin a relationship , I want it to be on OUR terms. If I'm told I need to hide the fact that I'm the BF, because we shouldn't hurt the Ex's feelings ... then honestly there shouldn't be a "relationship" to begin with. Regardless of the fact that it adds thrills or not. I'd rather wait until She doesn't have to worry about what the Ex thinks.

 

I'll leave you with this:

 

You are here, posting , trying to vent, ask opinions (some posters have given you great advise that you may or may not be prepared to process).

 

Just realize that there was another guy (her Ex) asking the exact same questions you are asking today, several months ago.

 

There was a girl (your Ex), asking "Why couldn't we work things out?" several months ago as well. Probably (I'm assuming), hating the fact that you dated the new girl when you did.

 

People are unpredictable my friend, but actions have predictable reactions, and if the new girl did it to her Ex & did it to you, buddy, your close friend will soon join the heartbreak club as well.

 

Had she been single for a while , given an opportunity to mature and move on from a relationship, then yeah, she might have a chance to succeed in a relationship. But given the fact that she bounced around from A to B to C ... the outcome is very predictable.

[an0nym0us123]

Youve miss understood. My old gf left me for someone else. I was made single 3 days after my last ex left her bf. So i was made single and i had a beautiful girl who wanted me. Yes i understand it was quick. But i wasnt that hurt and neither was she

 

And i never led her on with anything. She had no assurance from me that i would take her when she broke up.

Edited September 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[Ralph79]

Ok, thank you for sharing. This tidbit of information changes perspective on your end because you didn't neglect or sabotage your "dead" relationship (still curious as to why you referred to it as a dead relationship, sorry).

 

But it still doesn't change the fact that engaging in a relationship with the new girl, given the conditions was not the best course of action. Deep down you had to know it wasn't going to be this easy didn't you?

Edited September 18, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

[preraph]

To me, it sounds like maybe she's out of there once the initial "crazy in love" portion of the show is completed and on to the next. She shows bad judgment jumping between friends, too. That will catch up with her if it hasn't already. I doubt there's anything you could have done. She simply got the itch for freedom and new love and she ran with it. I'm sorry. She's not done sewing her oats and may be incapable of something long-term.

[an0nym0us123]

I just want to clarify everything. I was dumped by my previous ex 3 days after my recent ex became single. Couple of weeks later we started dating. I say it moved quickly but not that fast. But it was very easy. She started talking about getting married in the future aboit 6 months in. But it would not have happened for 4 or 5 years. Neither of us had feeling for our exs after a couple of months. My previous relationship was more a fwb casual type thing. And she left me.

 

To say im not relationship material is a bit harsh. I did very little wrong. I was not clingy she did most of the persuing. She told me she was very happy.

[an0nym0us123]

Ok, thank you for sharing. This tidbit of information changes perspective on your end because you didn't neglect or sabotage your "dead" relationship (still curious as to why you referred to it as a dead relationship, sorry).

 

But it still doesn't change the fact that engaging in a relationship with the new girl, given the conditions was not the best course of action. Deep down you had to know it wasn't going to be this easy didn't you?

 

My old relationship was long distance and was never really going to go on forever.

 

No not ideal. But is it ever. I was single and had a beautiful girl knocking at my door. If there was going to be any bother i expected it in the first few months. I thought after a year we would be out of rebound status

 

However the fact that she fancied me before our breakup was a cause for concern. But any girl could leave you for someone else

Edited September 18, 2018 by an0nym0us123

[an0nym0us123]

To me, it sounds like maybe she's out of there once the initial "crazy in love" portion of the show is completed and on to the next. She shows bad judgment jumping between friends, too. That will catch up with her if it hasn't already. I doubt there's anything you could have done. She simply got the itch for freedom and new love and she ran with it. I'm sorry. She's not done sewing her oats and may be incapable of something long-term.

 

You may well be right. Once a year passed she got bored. She might well end up wondering in 10 years time why she hasnt settled down. Even though shes been through half a dozen men. I was a good man. Id never cheat. And did my best. Shes a lot younger than me and i gave her her freedom to do as she pleased. I told her if you cheat its over otherwise do what you like. She wanted to marry a farmer and she just chucked one away.

 

I was her second relationship

[an0nym0us123]

Also she wanted to hide our relationship in the beginning but so did i. I did not want to hurt her ex. He was not a friend as such. But i did know him. We both kept it secret for several months. Understand we live in a small rural community. When she left me for one of my best friends not a f**k was given about hiding it from me

[ExpatInItaly]

Also she wanted to hide our relationship in the beginning but so did i. I did not want to hurt her ex. He was not a friend as such. But i did know him. We both kept it secret for several months. Understand we live in a small rural community. When she left me for one of my best friends not a f**k was given about hiding it from me

 

That says a lot. She is a lot more invested in your friend than she was in you, I'm afraid. Her wanting to keep things secret to protect her ex is a bunch of bull crap. Clearly, she isn't that bothered about hurting exes.

 

This girl is selfish. And you need new best friends.