JDH90 Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 I have suffered with depression for a number of years as well as anxiety. About 2 years ago I met my ex and things were going extremely well. Even though things were going well because of my depression I struggled with being happy. I was so lost in myself that I couldn't talk to anyone because I just didn't know. I felt so bad for her because she was trying her hardest to help me. I became frustrated and felt in myself she deserved better so I pushed her away broke up with her and kicked her out. As soon as I did it I regretted my decision, We got back together after that. She never really gave me space though to work on myself and we never spoke about it really so her feelings got hurt and we didn't communicate it so it just festered away at her. After we sorted it I still struggled mentally and didn't treat her right we just got in a routine and I didn't really appreciate her. She stuck by me and showered me with affection and always made sure I was okay. Because she showed me how much she cared I was able to finally get to a better place mentally where I could actually communicate with her and treat her properly. I came off anti depressants and felt so much better for it. When I was at the end of my process she started to get depression. As like me she never really could talk to me about it. She started taking tablets and doing more things for herself like Yoga and modelling again and seemed like she was doing great and in a better place for it. She then mentions that once day out of the blue that her restraining order with her Ex is coming up and she was scared as he domestically abused her and was a junkie and apparently her friend told her he was using again. From this she then told me she had never felt so low in herself and needed space. I didn't really give her space stupidly as I have suffered with mental illness I understand how hard it is to deal with and I was just trying to be protective. It was fine for a week or so after that we saw each other one day and she was acting fine with me, Looking at me the same way and acting how she always did. A few days after that she demanded space again. I gave her some but then I kept on at her she then admitted that she stopped taking her tablets and then started again after a period of time. I don't know when she stopped or if that's the reason why she was acting distant with me. Me being me I took her distant behaviour personally and said to her if she still loves me and that she wants this. She replied that she did love me and she does not want to give up. So I gave her a few days space and then decided to call her in the morning one day, Not to talk about us but to just see if she was okay and to talk about the new iPhone reveal as she loves apple products. She was fine and receptive on the phone and even said she loved me at the end of the call. I left it a day and then tried to call again (Stupidly) this time however she didn't answered so I took it personally and started questioning everything again at this point she got quite angry and told me to leave her alone. On the weekend I got drunk and without even thinking I turned up at her house I didn't knock I just called her she didn't answer so I text her. She replied and said go away. When I got home I kept trying to call and message her because I wasn't thinking properly. She blocked me on everything and told me we were done and that I need to move on and that we will not get back together and that it is more than depression. In the morning I made it worse because I wanted to apologise for my actions I emailed her trying to apologise and beg and please (I get that is all the wrong things to do!). I am appalled at my actions and how I have been recently. It's not fair on her and I haven't listened to her feelings. I have been erratic with my behaviour and probably making her scared of me by just turning up at her house drunk. I was not aggressive in anyway and I haven't been hurtful in anything I have said to her. I guess my recent actions have made me realise there is underlying issues still and I have been in low moods recently and letting my anxiety control my actions. As a result I have went back to my doctors and got a prescription for anti depressants. I have also been in contact with a therapist and have arranged a session. I know my actions have been bad but when she told me she was in the lowest place of her life it really hit me hard and I just wanted to protect her and help her through it. I am just confused now as I do not know if it is her depression doing this and making her act in this way or she genuinely does not want to be with me. I just feel like if I gave her the space at the start then we would have worked this out. But now because of my actions I do not know anymore. If anyone has any insight or advice on what to do I'd really appreciate it, Whether I should just walk away or wait it out to see if it's just temporary because she is depressed and once she calms down we can talk?
Gretchen12 Posted September 18, 2018 Posted September 18, 2018 What's the difference between walk away and wait it out? You don't live together, she told you to leave her alone. By "walk away" do you mean you're going to immediately date other people? That's not a good idea, you're not ready. By "wait it out" do you mean you're going to contact her? I don't think there's anything for you to do, and no decisions to be made. I dated a man who was depressed and also very emotionally impulsive. Everything has to be black or white with immediate action taken. He gave himself a lot of pressure to make decisions that he often regretted, when actually there was no need for this stress. It's a very fatalistic way to live. And even if a decision is made, and some action taken, it doesn't stick, and it doesn't calm you down. I don't know how much of her behavior is the depression. But she has indicated that she needs to sort things out. In the meantime, don't beat yourself up over what you did. If she still loves you, she will overlook those things. Don't worry. You're probably being too critical of yourself.
Author JDH90 Posted September 18, 2018 Author Posted September 18, 2018 Thank you for you response, I really do appreciate it. When I mean walk away, I mean move on with my life and her. I know I am not ready to date other woman yet so that would be the last thing on my mind. What I mean by waiting it out is should I wait for her to either calm down or contact me or should I be the one to initiate contact?
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