confused..... Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 I began seeing "sally" after meeting her at a convention. She approached me. I tracked down her email and we were off to the races, after weeks of exchanging emails we went out. We had a wonderful time, nice dinner etc. A kiss goodnight and she was gone. In the past I had always called the girl, but this time was different I didn't want nor need to. I felt confident and comfortable. Well she called and a few nights later we went out again. This went on for some time, the initial stages of dating. It was fun and happy, she called almost everynight and in 3-4 months we never missed a day speaking to eachother, saying goodnight. Most days we would talk 2 or 3 times. 1 night she called and told me she almost had an anxiety attack, that she had written me a letter but couldn't send it. That her emotions were taking control and she needed to be in control. She had told me previously she was scared, she didn't know what was happening to her and what I was doing. That every relationship she had been in was terrible she would always get hurt and that she never had any expectations. But I had done something to her. But she wanted to slow it down, to continue talking and hanging out. By this time she knew I had developed feelings, I had told her. I think that is what begun to scare her. Well some 4 months later after this talk, we still talk...almost every night she calls me. We see eachother once if not twice a week (we live in seperate towns). She has told me we are just friends, and that is how we go about things. We do "couple" things though. We buy each other gifts and dinner, and as I have said she always calls me to say goodnight. Knowing full well my feelings are deeper and that i do want to date her. She calls me when she travels to let me know she got there safely and we have both been to our siblings weddings together. She went on a dinner date and felt she should tell me, but didn't want to because it was only dinner. She still called me afterwards. I have done many nice things. Sometimes she gets mad that i do them. the last one was a gesture from the heart....she always complained her parents never visited her and how excited she would be. so I did something about it. I got them train tickets and a hotel and they surprised her. but rather than a smile and a hug she just gave me the cold shoulder. that was 2 days ago. the girl who calls everynight hasn't called. she has only text msged me, i haven't responded. i feel she has feelings, otherwise she wouldn't keep coming around. and i want to call her, friends (if that is what we are) air their differences. but i think she likes me, and she doesn't or isn't ready and that i scare her because it is what she wants. I threaten her. Rather than sit and work it out and follow her heart it is easiest to push me away.... I know i need to gain some sense. I wish that this cold shoulder was on my terms rather than hers, because I am the one who deserves to give her the cold shoulder, any friend would have appreciated a nice gesture, especially one that was not about materials but about the hearts. after all i never expected her to say i love you because of this.
Dean3922 Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 She probably thinks you are trying to push her with your heartfelt gesture. She is upset because you are making her uncomfortable and she doesn't know how to respond. She probably likes you more than a friend but doesn't want to go there with you now. I would give her time to collect herself. Don't call or try to bug her. It will push her away more. She will call when she is ready to talk. Emotions are a scary thing to some people who are not wanting them. I would hang in for awhile but if you see she is never going to change her mind about the friends then you will have to make that choice for yourself. Do you want more? And will she ever go there with you? Good Luck...
Author confused..... Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 I am not good with the not contacting thing. If she didn't want to talk to me than why would she text me to let me know she won her game (she is a coach).
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 She is keeping you at a comfortable distance - as long as it works for her, she will continue to contact you. As soon as you push it past the point where it works for her, she'll stop contacting you. This is probably the best you can expect from this 'relationship'.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 If you want her, let her take the control and let it play out. Lower your expectations, don't expect anything from her that way you won't get disappointed. She's been honest with you. She is freaked abit and due to previous relationships, her past, she's scared of getting too close. You two got very close and it was intense. Talking daily and sometimes 3 times a day can definately bring on alot of emotional attachment feelings and maybe not in a healthy way. Not saying that is what happened, but I see it as too intense, too quickly. She started depending on you, making you more and more a part of her life. Got scared and backed off. So...If you feel she's worth the wait - Then wait. Let her know you aren't going anywhere and take it one day at a time..No pressure, just stay in the now.
Author confused..... Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 whichwayis up, thank you for that evaluation. In a lot of ways I agree. I even felt from the get go that things were moving way to fast. But I felt the connection and I went with it, I was excited as this had real potential. After 8 months, I was just settling in and being content. I thought, that even as a friend, bringing in her parents would be a great thing, as that is all she ever spoke about. But she obviously thought it was too much (not sure how, as I never expected anything from her but a smile and a hug). The problem is, i haven't heard from her in a 4 days, besides for her text message which I am still confused why she sent to me. Do I just sit back and let her drift off or call when she is ready?
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 You're welcome and anytime! Well 4 days isn't that long. I know it's hard NOT to want to call, IM or email her, but right now she has to set the pace. She probably knows how you feel and maybe that is scaring her abit too...So, be abit more casual around her. Don't speak of your feelings right now, then see how it goes. She got intouch with you to let you know you're still on her mind. It could mean a number of things...It wasn't a personal note, much more buddy-ish, right? So, be buddy-ish back to her... Don't know where your situation is heading but my gut is telling me not to push it...Just let whatever happens, happen. On that note, DO more things for you..See your friends and have fun. Don't just concentrate on her, this way your focus is in other places. Hope this helps!
Author confused..... Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 Well we haven't spoken or seen eachother. I am assuming you are telling me not to establish contact? Which I am doing. It is tough as I said. How long do I go before i reach out? She has yelled at me in the past telling me we have never gone more than 2 days without speaking and that if she didn't want to talk she would let me know. I guess I am having trouble trusting that if it is mean to be it will be.
whichwayisup Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 The other thing you can do is tell her how you feel. Just be completely honest with her and say you're confused by what she says and does. You've got nothing to lose right now as she seems to be more or less in control of the situation. Why has she yelled at you? Not sure what you mean by that...Like has she been angry that 2 days went by and you didn't talk or that you couldn't go 2 days without talking to her?
Author confused..... Posted September 10, 2005 Author Posted September 10, 2005 well i received an email from her. Basically telling me that she did appreciate me bringing in her parents, but she is overwhelmed by my feelings for her and my efforts to make her happy. she hoped that we could catch up soon and that she needed space. So I guess I have all the answers I need. She wants to go the friends route. I guess in a lot of ways I am hurt, and shocked. I read all her actions, differently than her words. I also read this email in two ways. Why even send an email, I know she wanted space. she is afraid to lose me....
Author confused..... Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 and now a phone call from her checking in. She asks for space in an email, than 3 days later she calls. I didn't answer, nor call her back. She left a message. I am not sure what to do....any ideas?
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 and now a phone call from her checking in. She asks for space in an email, than 3 days later she calls. I didn't answer, nor call her back. She left a message. I am not sure what to do....any ideas? Play it cool. Call her back, but not straight away (1-2 days later maybe). Be chatty and light. Lucrezia and WWIU are right - you need to lower your expectations and let her control how deep it goes. No deeper any time soon is my guess. And if she does suddenly rush forwards, put the brakes on gently before she panics herself. My advice? Look for romance elsewhere.
Author confused..... Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 It is tough to lower expectations, especially when i don't have any. It is hope that I have and sometimes get fooled by. I will wait a few days before I call her back. I doubt she will let this get deeper, but than again, she is the same person that asks for space but doesn't follow her own mind. her emotions scare her, that much I am certain.
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 It is hope that I have and sometimes get fooled by. Lower your hopes then. Do some visualisation exercises - think about what it would be like to be in a long term relationship with someone like this. Where the relationship is all about her and her fears. And there is no room for your need for more intimacy.
Author confused..... Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 I guess i get fooled by her calling me each and everynight, i feel wanted and loved. It is nice to have someone say goodnight and again, maybe that fools me. At the same time I am almost certain that is what I offer her. She knows she has someone at the other end.
Dean3922 Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Make HER work for the relationship. She knows you will be there when she decides to contact you so let her think you are busy. Keep your conversations short and seem vague in your answers. Let her wonder what you are doing and with whom. Women like to chase as much as men so let her do some chasing. Don't be soooo available.
Author confused..... Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 That is the problem, I try and fail at it. I always think I am blowing my opportunity by not calling back or responding. I know I hate it when people do that to me. Any recommendations, i am thinking of waiting until Thursday at the earliest to contact her back. Any thoughts? Or I have a big party to go to, I was thinking of leaving her a message tomorrow night telling her I am going to the party and to call me Thursday?
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 Insanity: doing the same thing over and over again and expecting different results. Albert Einstein, (attributed) US (German-born) physicist (1879 - 1955) I'm sorry to see you in such a painful situation. It really sucks when you are involved with someone who is so incredibly selfish that they would rather keep you around to fulfill their absolutely meager needs for you when it is killing you, than letting you go so that you can move on and find happiness in your life. Don't play phone games with her. Simply tell her that what she is doing to you is killing you from the inside out and that you need for her to leave you alone. (Unless you are happy lowering your expectations to zero and continuing to allow your heart to wither and die so that she can have a "friend".) I hope you will find the strength inside yourself to end this with her, and start a period of 'no contact' to get your head and heart together.
Author confused..... Posted September 13, 2005 Author Posted September 13, 2005 LB, you are tough. Have you been hurt in the past? All your posts are negative. Do you have no optimism. Maybe I am not thinking clearly, but I have to seperate my feelings in order to be her friend, than so be it. I believe all relationships should be based on a friendship and grow outward.
whichwayisup Posted September 13, 2005 Posted September 13, 2005 If you can handle a friendship with her, then try it. But, you will have to change your way of thinking about her completely. It's hard to do, especially if you're emotionally attached. She obviously cares about you, friend or something more, so just don't push it. Let her call you - Then you call her back...Don't be "waiting" for the call. Also, you don't want to play games either but don't be forward in a sense. Do the "buddy" thing and see how that works out. Is she going to the party or are you wanting to invite her? If so, invite afew buddies along too and ask her to bring afew of her girlfriends .. Not as "dates" for your friends, but to go as a group. Good luck and keep posting!
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 LB, you are tough. But she is not unsympathetic. And her advice is always worth listening to. And right now, I think you need a little tough love.
Author confused..... Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 Reluctant, Actually I have the party to go to, and I don't want to invite her. I know her phone will be off between a certain time and I wanted to leave her a message than, telling her I would be out, this way she knows I called but that I was busy if she decided to call back. I hate games as well, and as far as I am concerned we are way past them. The funny thing is, during this whole time period, I never called her, she always did the calling!
LucreziaBorgia Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 1. Have you been hurt in the past? 2. All your posts are negative. 3. Do you have no optimism. 4. Maybe I am not thinking clearly, but I have to seperate my feelings in order to be her friend, than so be it. 5. I believe all relationships should be based on a friendship and grow outward. 1. I have nearly always been the one hurting others. I'm not proud of that fact, but it gives me a perspective from the 'other side' that I can share here. The 'other side' is rarely a pretty or positive thing. I have always been the one in your girlfriend's position - I've almost always been the "bad guy" in a given situation like this. I say these things because I've treated people the same way your 'friend' treats you, and used nearly the EXACT SAME LINES. I dragged a guy along like that for over fifteen years - simultaneously binding him to me and holding him at a "friends" distance. I never loved him the way he loved me, but my own selfish need to have him in my life in the way I needed him basically prevented him from finding happiness with anyone else. I was in constant contact, was sweet to him, even slept with him a couple of times. But... giving him the relationship he needed was never part of the equation. I just never got to the point where I felt that way about him - because the potential for that did not exist in my heart from day ONE. I would tell him that I was "scared" and all that crap until I found someone that I wasn't so "scared" about, and within six months was happily married and still am nearly ten years later. Imagine how he felt waiting for fifteen years for me not to be "scared", only to have me fall in love and marry someone else in less than a year's time. So much for being "scared" eh? Luckily he broke away from me emotionally, married a beautiful woman and has a couple of gorgeous kids and is very happy from what I understand. I am thankful that he found happiness. 2. Things coming from a point of view you don't want to hear are always going to sound negative. 3. I do, when there is something to be optimistic about. 4. You aren't separating your feelings. You are suffering under the weight of them. 5. If a relationship is nothing but 'friends', and there is no romantic interest - it will never be more than that. Sometimes it might become physical, sometimes emotionally close - but you will always be held away at a "friends" distance as long as that is all she has to offer you. You have a choice. You can adapt to this, put your life on hold, and continue to let your chances at true happiness pass you by as you stick around hoping for more than 'friends' - or, you can put this behind you and find someone who will not only offer 'friends' but will offer a whole lot more.
Author confused..... Posted September 14, 2005 Author Posted September 14, 2005 I apppreciate your thoughts and comments. It is tough, their are no right and wrong answers, just opinions. Heck why do we search for answers, when the only ones that have them are the 2 involved. We search to protect ourselves from pain. It has been 3 days since she called, and almost 2 weeks since we last spoke. I m ready to call her back...but m I?
ReluctantRomeo Posted September 14, 2005 Posted September 14, 2005 Heck why do we search for answers, when the only ones that have them are the 2 involved. Why do we ask for advice, when we're not gonna take it? I m ready to call her back...but m I? Since you've made up your mind, stop hesitating and do it already. I don't think the course you are choosing is the wisest, but it's your heart and your decision. I still wish you good luck, of course. And tell us how it goes.
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