Coup La-La Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 I've been dating a woman for some time now, we have talked about marriage and children, but she is insisting that she wants to meet my mother, which is a problem: My mother has tried to sabotage every relationship I have ever. She even tries to ruin my relationships with my platonic female friends. That's why I haven't even told her that I'm in a relationship. I have introduced her to my friends, and my friend's parents, who are like my family, but that's not enough for her. I don't know what to do, my GF gets more angry about it every day, but I know WHEN my mother says something inappropriate in front of her I will be the one that's angry
basil67 Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 Have you explained to your girlfriend what the problem is? Do you see your mother frequently, or does she have only a minimal presence in your life? Thing is, if you want marriage and children, your mother will be part of your partner's life *unless* you remove your mother from your life altogether. If you don't intend to cut your mother from your life, then you need to get this meeting over and done with.
Author Coup La-La Posted September 17, 2018 Author Posted September 17, 2018 Have you explained to your girlfriend what the problem is? Do you see your mother frequently, or does she have only a minimal presence in your life? Yes, I've explained to her the humiliation I feel many times, she just responds "I'm a therapist, I deal with crazy people everyday" but it different when it's personal. Yes, I see my mother at least once a week
Lotsgoingon Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 You can't have it both ways. Right now you see your mother once a week--that's a lot to me. But you don't want your gf to meet her once. No ... can't do that. If your mom is toxic, then you need to stay away from her and keep your gf away from her. Does your mom have clinical mental health issues? If she does, then I see that as valid reason to visit her once a week. But if she doesn't have clinical issues and is just toxic, how can your weekly visits to her be anything but self-destructive? If mom is really toxic, keep gf away and keep yourself away as much as possible.
Author Coup La-La Posted September 17, 2018 Author Posted September 17, 2018 Right now you see your mother once a week--that's a lot to me. lol, some of my friends talk to their parents everyday, I thought I was on the low side. If your mom is toxic, then you need to stay away from her and keep your gf away from her. Does your mom have clinical mental health issues? If she does, then I see that as valid reason to visit her once a week. Yes, my mother has clinical issues, she's been in therapy pretty much my whole life. But if she doesn't have clinical issues and is just toxic, how can your weekly visits to her be anything but self-destructive? If mom is really toxic, keep gf away and keep yourself away as much as possible. That's the weird thing: When it's just us or just my family she is normal, when she is around my male friends she is the picture of mental health, she's practically a mom from a sitcom. It's just when she's around my girlfriends or female friends that she becomes an idiot and / or lunatic
basil67 Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 As you continue to see your mother regularly, she will be part of your future wife's life forever. Unless you are going to pull back from your mother, your girlfriend needs to meet your mother and make a choice about having her life as mother in law and grandmother to children. This issue isn't going to go away. Have you been to therapy with your mother to discuss it and work on boundaries?
Lotsgoingon Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 OK ... So some options ... One you can delay the meeting until you are sure you and gf are on strong terms ... Or ... two ... Spend an afternoon prepping the girlfriend ... like really reenacting the behavior your mom will exhibit ... then take gf to see mom. Keep the visit with gf and mom short ... There is a possibility that your mom will be on her best behavior for gf ... even though that's not been the case with your previous gf's. Look, if you're gonna be that close to mom (and yes once a week strikes me as close ... vs. say a phone call a week) ... then you can't hide her from your gf's. It's also important that you be ready to speak up if mom insults gf. The worst is to invite gf over and then wimp out if mom insults gf. You have to set some boundaries and not be afraid to stand strong. In other words, it's totally lame for you to be some in-between party if your mom goes nuts on gf. No, you need to insist that mom back off and reassure gf. Can you do that?
Author Coup La-La Posted September 17, 2018 Author Posted September 17, 2018 As you continue to see your mother regularly, she will be part of your future wife's life forever. Unless you are going to pull back from your mother, your girlfriend needs to meet your mother and make a choice about having her life as mother in law and grandmother to children. This issue isn't going to go away. Have you been to therapy with your mother to discuss it and work on boundaries? I was planning on moving to another country in the not too distant future, so by default that would put me far away. I haven't been to therapy with her since I was a teenager, she thinks going to therapy with me could cause her to have a relapse from her former substance abuse problem. She goes to therapy 2x a week, but not with me
Author Coup La-La Posted September 17, 2018 Author Posted September 17, 2018 You can delay the meeting until you are sure you and gf are on strong terms ... You're right about that! Spend an afternoon prepping the girlfriend ... like really reenacting the behavior your mom will exhibit ... then take gf to see mom. Keep the visit with gf and mom short ... Look, if you're gonna be that close to mom (and yes once a week strikes me as close ... vs. say a phone call a week) ... then you can't hide her from your gf's. Maybe something in public? It's also important that you be ready to speak up if mom insults gf. The worst is to invite gf over and then wimp out if mom insults gf. You have to set some boundaries and not be afraid to stand strong. No, she doesn't insult all my girlfriends and female friends, she says bad things about me and my father, which IMO is way worse
Lotsgoingon Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 Oh my, mom says bad things about you to gf's ... oh no! ... sorry to hear that! But ... I actually think mom making fun of you might be easier to deal with than mom saying bad things to gf's. Seriously, a huge issue in marriage is how the couple's families affect the couple ... and tensions between spouses and in-laws is ... as old as humans. A public place is a brilliant idea! ... Someplace mom is likely to feel comfortable ... I say that because I just had a visit from my high-maintenance sister ... OMG! ... get her out of her comfort zone and she locals all social skills. But if you have a "pretentious" mom, she might "act better" in a place outside her comfort zone. Can you bring a sane additional person to the meeting? ... Maybe another person not from the family? ... Or maybe you have to go with a sibling. This person should be someone really in your corner. And btw: you want to get practice at setting boundaries with mom right now, without having to leave the country. Because what will happen is you'll find yourself bringing all the weaknesses you have with mom to the rest of your life interactions, including with your gf. I'm not saying there is some easy solution to dealing with mom. If so, you would have already found that. But ... you really don't want to let her bully you or insult you without objecting ... because you can easily fall into the same habit with people you date ... even bosses. Good luck. You seem to have a great sense of humor about your situation. Sounds like you have to prep gf for exactly the kinds of things mom will say about you ... Who knows? GF may stand up to you in the moment while mom does her thing.
d0nnivain Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 If your SO is a therapist she should understand better than most when she meets mom. Get the introduction over with already. Put them in a room for a short time, like an hour. While you are there mentally catalogue every cringe worthy thing mom says or does. When you leave point them all out to your GF. Explain that you hope the subject is now closed. Unfortunately if you do marry your new wife & your mother will have to interact occasionally. It's in evitable especially if you see mom once per week. If you hadn't seen mom in 2+ years that would be a different story.
Gaeta Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 Yes, I've explained to her the humiliation I feel many times, she just responds "I'm a therapist, I deal with crazy people everyday" but it different when it's personal. Then she should know the importance of respecting your wish. You're an adult man and you know best what's good for you and your relationship. Your girlfriend sounds domineering to me, maybe unconsciously you picked a gf with some of mom's characteristics. If you want to please your gf then go visit your mom after dinner, stay 1 hour and leave. As soon as your mom starts her game you find an excuse to leave. If your gf wants to get involved at a deeper level with your mom then drop her. It's a good indication you're dating your mom. 1
kendahke Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 Yes, I've explained to her the humiliation I feel many times, she just responds "I'm a therapist, I deal with crazy people everyday" . Well does she want them as her patients or does she want a relationship with you? She needs to decide and she also needs to respect your boundaries when it comes to protecting yourself from your toxic mother. She's rather selfish if she's refusing to understand that--her of all people, being a therapist and all. 1
Rockdad Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 Oh gawd I feel where your at Coup La-La. My mom was a chore to deal with and like you I would rather my GF at the time (wife now) never would have to be involved but that isn't reality. If your getting very serious in your relationship as it sounds it's inevitable. You have prepped your GF so give her some credit she can handle it. I was so surprised when my wife navigated my mothers BS. Matter of fact she handled mom's BS better than I did as they do wear you down over time as you are aware of.
mortensorchid Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 You are in a sticky situation. Your mother cannot be removed from your life, your gf cannot be either. You must have explained this to her, which you have. If you are not going to removed her (as in your mother) completely from your life, then you have to compromise somehow. If you two want to get married someday, you can't avoid NOT having her somehow in the picture. Have you talked about this with your mother? What does she say when you try to talk with her about these things?
mrothschild Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 Hi! I am a television casting director working on a show about this very topic. We are working to give couples like you the support you need to tackle these very relatable problems in the hopes that it makes your relationship stronger. Please let me know if you are interested and I can share my contact information. Either way, I wish you the best of luck!! Melissa
Els Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 I was planning on moving to another country in the not too distant future, so by default that would put me far away. What do you intend to do about your relationship when you move? Does your gf whom you've apparently been talking about marriage and kids to, know about this? How long have you two been dating?
darkmoon Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 she gets "angrier every day"? she sounds like a hellish wife in the making, run, do not walk, run fast if she is so obnoxious and blithely lets you see it, yikes...
coolheadal Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 I've been dating a woman for some time now, we have talked about marriage and children, but she is insisting that she wants to meet my mother, which is a problem: My mother has tried to sabotage every relationship I have ever. She even tries to ruin my relationships with my platonic female friends. That's why I haven't even told her that I'm in a relationship. I have introduced her to my friends, and my friend's parents, who are like my family, but that's not enough for her. I don't know what to do, my GF gets more angry about it every day, but I know WHEN my mother says something inappropriate in front of her I will be the one that's angry What you do my friend is say to the GF, I feel very uncomfortable for you to meet my mother in her current state of mind. My mother is not very well person she has mental illness and her violent nature she might or might not harm you physically but mentally she will. Please respect me when I say I just can't take you to go see her. That's what you tell her, but if she still insist then you have to deny her request. It's your mother and you do not want to be embarrassed by her actions and it's a private family affair. You need to put your food down on your GF. This is showing how she is too. Forcing a matter that concerns you and bothers you. Because you know what would happen if she confronts your mother in the mental state she's in. You have to control this situation no here can say otherwise. I don't you don't want a break up over this but it could happen. I had issue with my late mother and the ex-wife before we got married. I thought it was a good thing for her to meet my mother. I forgot how my mother was with other races. Let me tell you I had left them alone for a minute or two to get our luggage out of the car. I came back to the house my gf came out of my parent house crying. I think that caused a lot of issues with me and her. I tell you from experience don't do it.. My friend don't do it...
smackie9 Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 if this woman is ready to marry you, there is nothing your mother can do to change her mind. Have trust and confidence in her that she is mature enough to see through your mothers antics.
SouthernIslander Posted October 10, 2018 Posted October 10, 2018 Your girlfriend is a therapist so she should know why boundaries are important when it comes to toxic people and understand that you are protecting yourself (and her) from your mother’s behavior. I don’t look at meeting mom as validating my relationship or there has to be a relationship there, even if it’s forced. I would honestly be thankful that you aren’t blind to how your mother is or putting me in the position to deal with it. I agree that she is being selfish by taking this so personal and not respecting your boundaries.
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