Miss my ex so much and struggling to move on, although he could be mean

[colly12345]

Hello, I broke up with my ex over two months ago because he over-reacts and gets angry and doesn't think there is a problem. For example, one time I asked him if he would put his cat out in the middle of the night as she was keeping us awake, so he put her out and then came back in and started shouting and swearing at me, saying I was the moodiest girl he'd ever been with. He just kept having a go at me and when I defended myself he got worse. The next day he said it wasn't that bad and he can be a lot worse. He said he didn't think I'd be able to take it if it was worse. After that I had to convince him not to break up with me because he thought my reaction to his behaviour was over the top. Then the week after he called me abusive because I'd wanted a cuddle and he didn't. He then got really annoyed when I questioned him on it. A few weeks after that, he got angry because his dog had peed on the floor in my house and I didn't have any disinfectant. He had a go at me for using my poor momory as an 'excuse' and said 'this is why I don't like coming here'. When I broke up with him he agreed that it would get worse and we would likely break up in the future. He said he gets worse the closer he gets to someone. A couple of days later he took it all back, blamed it on me and said that I just can't deal with arguments. Am I crazy for worrying about this? Should I have stayed in the relationship? I miss him so much.

[Zahara]

It’s normal to miss and feel a loss even when you’ve ended a relationship with a douchebag. You have an emotional attachment to him so it’s going to take some time before you start to emerge from the fog. And when you get there, you’ll look back and wonder what the hell you saw in him.

 

And missing him IS NOT an indication that you should have stayed with him.

 

For now, embrace what you feel, accept that you’re mourning the loss and stay NC with him. It was brave of you to end it. You did the right thing.

[colly12345]

Thank you Zahara. It was really difficult because I love him. But I saw no choice because he refused to take any responsibility for his behaviour and said that he couldn't change. I had to either put up with it, knowing it would get worse, or leave. I'm just surprised at how awful I still feel.

[Zahara]

Thank you Zahara. It was really difficult because I love him. But I saw no choice because he refused to take any responsibility for his behaviour and said that he couldn't change. I had to either put up with it, knowing it would get worse, or leave. I'm just surprised at how awful I still feel.

 

How long did you date him?

 

You love the good parts about the relationship but that isn’t enough when there were also bad parts. The measure of a good relationship is consistency - when it’s up and down it’s usually unhealthy. You likely love the image you have of him but if you really think about it, what seems loving about a man who treats you poorly?

 

Toxic relationships are usually harder to let go. So don’t be so hard on yourself. Healing is a process and a journey so take all the time you need. Don’t question it just keep moving on because one thing is for sure — you made the right choice.

[colly12345]

Just over 6 months. But it was very intense, we saw each other almost every day and were talking about moving in together. It was wonderful to begin with and we have a lot in common. I really enjoyed spending time with him. But I could not shake off his admissions about his behaviour getting worse. I began to feel like I couldn't bring anything up because of his reactions and he often turned things I was upset about around on me, and made them my fault. I am glad you say I made the right choice, because this is something I have been struggling with. I saw him recently and he seems really happy, which makes it harder for me.

[Zahara]

Just over 6 months. But it was very intense, we saw each other almost every day and were talking about moving in together. It was wonderful to begin with and we have a lot in common. I really enjoyed spending time with him. But I could not shake off his admissions about his behaviour getting worse. I began to feel like I couldn't bring anything up because of his reactions and he often turned things I was upset about around on me, and made them my fault. I am glad you say I made the right choice, because this is something I have been struggling with. I saw him recently and he seems really happy, which makes it harder for me.

 

It’s called gaslighting. It’s a form of emotional abuse. Read about it so you understand what you were potentially going to deal with in the long term. It’s common in abusive relationships.

 

When relationships shoot off the blocks fast and intense, it usually crashes and burns. At least from personal experience and being on LS, those that moved fast often had very little emotional depth. Seeing each other everyday and talking about moving in so soon are not indicators of a good relationship or genuine interest.

 

Those who move very fast usually are thriving in the honeymoon period, where it’s new and exciting and everything seems amazing. And during that period people are normally on their best behavior and they’re trying to secure the prize. Once those good feelings start to settle and people become comfortable and feel you’re not going anywhere, you then start to see them for who they really are — 6 months in and you were beginning to see the real him. Talking about moving in only 6 months in is not a healthy decision. It’s too little time to determine if your relationship really has legs to stand on.

[Downtown]

Colly, I agree with Zahara that you made a wise decision. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling demands, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim" (never admitting responsibility), and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have."

 

Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for two years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

He said he gets worse the closer he gets to someone.

If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), his symptoms likely will seen only by those who draw very close to him, as he says. The vast majority of full-blown BPDers -- statistics suggest 2/3 to 3/4 of them -- are "high functioning."

 

This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people are able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

 

This also explains why you usually will not see a BPDer's symptoms until you are several months into the relationship. As long as he is infatuated, he is convinced you are the nearly perfect woman who has arrived to rescue him from unhappiness.

 

In that way, the infatuation holds his two fears at bay. When the infatuation starts evaporating, however, both fears return and you will start triggering them, releasing his anger and tantrums.

 

Then the week after he called me abusive because I'd wanted a cuddle and he didn't.

These rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) is a behavior that arises from "black-white thinking." If your exBF is a BPDer, he is too immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

Hence, like a young child, he will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. A few hours or days later, he can recategorize you back just as quickly. In this way, he will tend to view you either as "all good" or "all bad."

 

He thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of his conscious mind. With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

 

Miss my ex so much and struggling to move on, although he could be mean.

It usually is extremely painful and difficult to leave a BPDer. Walking away feels like you are abandoning a sick young child who, despite his periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. It feels that way because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old.

 

This is why he often exhibits the purity of expressions, exuberance, and emotional intensity that otherwise are only seen in young children. Moreover, although a BPDer is able to love very intensely, it is an immature form of love that falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship.

 

If you ever feel strongly tempted to reconcile with your exBF, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

 

I also would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exBF back or running into the arms of another man just like him.

[colly12345]

What I'm really struggling with is how he has moved on so fast. I have seen him a couple of times since the break up and he seems really happy and doesn't want to get back together. He is dating other people. He doesn't seem to care about me at all, even though the night we broke up he was crying and telling me he was 'crazy about me' and that he loved me. He said I ha made him really happy. However he didn't try to keep me, he just said he didn't think he could change and he didn't like how I was trying to change him. Are you sure that his behaviour isn't normal in a relationship? As he insists it is normal and I 'blow things up to massive proportions' and should be able to deal with it. He told me it took him 18 months to get over his ex yet he is over me already.

[ExpatInItaly]

What I'm really struggling with is how he has moved on so fast. I have seen him a couple of times since the break up and he seems really happy and doesn't want to get back together. He is dating other people. He doesn't seem to care about me at all, even though the night we broke up he was crying and telling me he was 'crazy about me' and that he loved me. He said I ha made him really happy. However he didn't try to keep me, he just said he didn't think he could change and he didn't like how I was trying to change him. Are you sure that his behaviour isn't normal in a relationship? As he insists it is normal and I 'blow things up to massive proportions' and should be able to deal with it. He told me it took him 18 months to get over his ex yet he is over me already.

 

No, it is absolutely not normal. The fact that you're even questioning that is concerning. It tells me your self-esteem and perception of love are in the toilet. Is this your first relationship, OP? I am sensing you don't have a lot to compare this to. If you did, you would likely already know this isn't normal or healthy.

 

My ex was like this. He too seemed to move on quickly, but I was actually relieved when he did. It meant he was out of my hair. These types don't develop the same type of emotional attachment, and they lack empathy. They will also say whatever they can to gaslight and emotionally manipulate you, and tear your sense of self apart.

[colly12345]

I've had a couple of other long term relationships and neither of them spoke to me like he did or got angry for no good reason. I've never experienced anything like this before, feeling on edge and unable to bring things up. In the beginning of the relationship I was good at expressing my needs but towards the end I just kept quiet. I didn't think it was normal and that's why I ended it, but he is so confident and insists it's normal. He's had training on conflict resolution and domestic abuse as part of his job, so it's hard to believe he can behave like that and not recognise what he's doing.

[ExpatInItaly]

I've had a couple of other long term relationships and neither of them spoke to me like he did or got angry for no good reason. I've never experienced anything like this before, feeling on edge and unable to bring things up. In the beginning of the relationship I was good at expressing my needs but towards the end I just kept quiet. I didn't think it was normal and that's why I ended it, but he is so confident and insists it's normal. He's had training on conflict resolution and domestic abuse as part of his job, so it's hard to believe he can behave like that and not recognise what he's doing.

 

I understand.

 

As Downtown pointed out, there could be a lot more going on with your ex than meets the eye. My own ex was diagnosed BPD and behaved in a strikingly similar fashion; it was extremely unsettling and chaotic and draining. I eventually realized we were never going to make progress so I left. Your ex might not have similar mental health issues, and we of course cannot armchair diagnose, but I wouldn't rule out the possibility that he's dealing with something deeper under the surface of his brash attitude. I would encourage you to read Downtown's post very carefully; you might fine it very enlightening. Your ex might not even acknowledge or realize there's something else at play here, if that's the case. My ex vehemently refused to believed the two different psychiatrists who diagnosed him, and never sought treatment. Only once, early in our on-off year of dating, did he actually tell me he tends to control when he gets angry and that it might seem irrational, and that he would probably one day really hurt me. He was right.

 

Don't be fooled by your ex's experience with conflict resolution and abuse, either. Many people who think and behave like your ex does are experts at compartmentalizing, and thus justifying their own poor interpersonal skills. They don't view themselves in the same category as typical "abusers" at all.

 

You will need time to emotionally detach. But when you do, you will be so relieved this did not go any further.

[What111]

Sounds like he really needs to work on himself.

Therapy for sure and time away from you might help.

[Young mind]

Colly, I agree with Zahara that you made a wise decision. The behaviors you describe -- i.e., irrational anger, controlling demands, verbal abuse, temper tantrums, lack of impulse control, black-white thinking, always being "The Victim" (never admitting responsibility), and rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) -- are classic warning signs for BPD (Borderline Personality Disorder).

 

Importantly, I'm not suggesting your exBF has full-blown BPD but, rather, that he may exhibit moderate to strong traits of it. I caution that BPD is not something -- like chickenpox -- that a person either "has" or "doesn't have."

 

Instead, it is a spectrum disorder, which means every adult on the planet occasionally exhibits all BPD traits to some degree (albeit at a low level if the person is healthy). At issue, then, is not whether your exBF exhibits BPD traits. Of course he does. We all do.

 

Rather, at issue is whether he exhibits those traits at a strong and persistent level (i.e., is on the upper end of the BPD spectrum). Not having met him, I cannot answer that question.

 

I nonetheless believe you can spot any strong BPD warning signs that are present if you take a little time to learn which behaviors are on the list. They are easy to spot -- especially after you've been dating for two years -- because there is nothing subtle about behaviors such as always being "The Victim," lack of impulse control, and rapid event-triggered mood flips.

 

If he is a BPDer (i.e., has strong BPD traits), his symptoms likely will seen only by those who draw very close to him, as he says. The vast majority of full-blown BPDers -- statistics suggest 2/3 to 3/4 of them -- are "high functioning."

 

This means that they typically hold jobs and generally get along fine with coworkers, clients, casual friends, and total strangers. None of those people are able to trigger the BPDer's fears of abandonment and engulfment. There is no close relationship that can be abandoned and no intimacy to trigger the suffocating feeling of engulfment.

 

Hence, with the vast majority of BPDers, the strong BPD symptoms usually appear only when someone (e.g., a casual friend) makes the mistake of drawing close to the BPDer. This is why it is common for high functioning BPDers to excel in very difficult jobs such as being a social worker, teacher, surgeon, professional actor, or salesman. And this is why most BPDers can be considerate and friendly all day long to complete strangers -- but will go home at night to abuse the very people who love them.

 

This also explains why you usually will not see a BPDer's symptoms until you are several months into the relationship. As long as he is infatuated, he is convinced you are the nearly perfect woman who has arrived to rescue him from unhappiness.

 

In that way, the infatuation holds his two fears at bay. When the infatuation starts evaporating, however, both fears return and you will start triggering them, releasing his anger and tantrums.

 

These rapid flips between Jekyll (adoring you) and Hyde (devaluing you) is a behavior that arises from "black-white thinking." If your exBF is a BPDer, he is too immature to be able to handle strong mixed feelings, ambiguities, uncertainties, and other gray areas of interpersonal relationships.

 

Hence, like a young child, he will categorize everyone close to him as "all good" (i.e., "white" or "with me") or "all bad" (i.e., "black" or "against me"). And he will recategorize someone from one polar extreme to the other -- in just ten seconds -- based solely on a minor comment or action. A few hours or days later, he can recategorize you back just as quickly. In this way, he will tend to view you either as "all good" or "all bad."

 

He thus will subconsciously split off the conflicting feeling, putting it far out of reach of his conscious mind. With young children, this "splitting" is evident when the child will adore Daddy while he's bringing out the toys but, in only ten seconds, will flip to hating Daddy when he takes one toy away.

 

Importantly, this behavior does not mean that the child has stopped loving Daddy. Rather, it means that her conscious mind is temporarily out of touch with those loving feelings.

 

It usually is extremely painful and difficult to leave a BPDer. Walking away feels like you are abandoning a sick young child who, despite his periodic tantrums, dearly loves you. It feels that way because a BPDer typically has the emotional development of a four year old.

 

This is why he often exhibits the purity of expressions, exuberance, and emotional intensity that otherwise are only seen in young children. Moreover, although a BPDer is able to love very intensely, it is an immature form of love that falls far short of what is required to sustain a mature adult relationship.

 

If you ever feel strongly tempted to reconcile with your exBF, I would suggest you see a psychologist -- for a visit or two all by yourself -- to obtain a candid professional opinion on what it is you're dealing with.

 

I also would suggest you take a quick look at my list of 18 BPD Warning Signs. If most sound very familiar, I would suggest you also read my more detailed description of them at my posts in Rebel's Thread. If that description rings many bells, I would be glad to discuss them with you.

 

Significantly, learning to spot these warning signs will not enable you to diagnose your exBF's issues. Yet, like learning warning signs for breast cancer and heart attack, learning those for BPD may help you avoid a painful situation, e.g., taking your exBF back or running into the arms of another man just like him.

 

What the OP has written can never be enough, going to the moon and back to diagnose BPD.

[colly12345]

Sounds like he really needs to work on himself.

Therapy for sure and time away from you might help.

 

Yeah, when we broke up he was completely understanding and took some (albeit not full) responsibility. He said he thought he shouldn't be with anyone for a while as he needs to sort it out, and that if he manages to sort it maybe he would get in touch. Then a couple of days later he completely changed tune, got angry with me for making him feel like a bad person, told me he couldn't even talk to me without getting angry and that I'd messed him around. He put all the blame on me at that point. Then the week after he told me he'd started dating and suggested I get on Tinder if I wanted to feel better. Recently he told me that he still thinks I was being unreasonable because 'it's unreasonable to expect never to have arguments', which is NOT the reason I ended it. But it makes me doubt myself, thinking maybe I wasn't clear.

 

Thanks to everyone for posting here, it's nice to have some reassurance that I'm not crazy and I've done the right thing.

[d0nnivain]

You are not crazy. You did the right thing breaking up with him. You actually don't miss him & his abusiveness. You miss the relationship you wanted (which was not the relationship you had). You miss being part of something larger then yourself. Those things do await you -- a healthy loving relationship -- but with someone else. The longer you cling to him, the greater delay you will endure to get to something better.

[Zahara]

Yeah, when we broke up he was completely understanding and took some (albeit not full) responsibility. He said he thought he shouldn't be with anyone for a while as he needs to sort it out, and that if he manages to sort it maybe he would get in touch. Then a couple of days later he completely changed tune, got angry with me for making him feel like a bad person, told me he couldn't even talk to me without getting angry and that I'd messed him around. He put all the blame on me at that point. Then the week after he told me he'd started dating and suggested I get on Tinder if I wanted to feel better. Recently he told me that he still thinks I was being unreasonable because 'it's unreasonable to expect never to have arguments', which is NOT the reason I ended it. But it makes me doubt myself, thinking maybe I wasn't clear.

 

Thanks to everyone for posting here, it's nice to have some reassurance that I'm not crazy and I've done the right thing.

 

I suggest that you block him because he will reappear again. I've had experience with these types and you don't want to be susceptible because they can be very charming and convincing, especially when they know you are vulnerable.

 

The fact that his attempt at self-reflection is very fleeting and seems volatile in his emotions, it is pretty likely he will swing around again. Probably when he's lonely or when he's lacking prospects. And you don't want to be triggered by him.

[colly12345]

People do tell me that but he seems so adament that it's all my fault and that he shouldn't have to change that I don't think he will. I think he will always have an endless stream of women because he is good looking and very charming and likeable when you first meet him. I feel like I've just been tossed aside now so I can't see him getting in touch.