LilyRose1994 Posted September 16, 2018 Posted September 16, 2018 (edited) So I've been with my boyfriend for almost 10 months now and everything in our relationship is perfect. We are moving in together in the new year and have a holiday planned and our 1 year anniversary to look forward to. The only issue I have is with his sister... From the moment I met her, I just knew there was something about her. She's very condescending and self-obsessed. She's a fashion designer and spends hundreds of pounds per month on clothes and shoes and everything of hers has to be designer. She still lives at home and gets to keep all her wages to spend on whatever she likes. I've been financially independent since I was 18 (i'm now 24) and have never been able to spend a lot of money on myself. She constantly takes jabs at my clothing and shoe choices, going so far as to actually pick my foot up off of the floor to look at the sole of my boots, to then ask me if they were cheap. I said yes, they were and her reply was "I know. I can tell." She makes comments about my choice to enjoy a night out once every few months as she believes drinking is bad and no one should do it, simply because she doesn't like drinking herself. She tells me I shouldn't wear make up as it will ruin my skin an she's constantly bragging about how much money she spends on herself. It's been manageable up until a few weeks ago when my boyfriend came over to my apartment and told me that his sister had made some comments at the dinner table to the effect that I had been flirting with her boyfriend. I was shocked as this is definitely not the case. Both her and her boyfriend are 3 years younger than me and he is 100% not my type. According to his sister, I made comments about her boyfriends muscles and the fact that I was jealous that my boyfriend didn't look like her boyfriend. I was so angry and dropped out of dinner plans with his family because of it. This then sparked a huge argument between my boyfriend's sister and her family and she ended up sending me a long Facebook post about how we were friends and she never meant to come off as rude, but both she and her boyfriend were concerned over the "number of comments I had made". I didn't bother responding and now don't want to go over and socialise with my boyfriend's family. He still lives at home and his family are all very close and he can't understand why i'm so upset by the events. I'm so embarrassed that his sister thinks I have feelings for her boyfriend and I always leave family gatherings feeling very small and insignificant and I've had enough. I don't want to break up with my boyfriend but I've had enough of his sister. She's openly admitted to me that she doesn't have any friends and that she bullies people because apparently "that's what you have to do in the fashion industry". I find her so irritating and impossible to be around that I'm not constantly backing out of events with my boyfriend and I can see he's getting frustrated with me over it. But i also know that his family will always come before me and I don't really know what to do anymore. My boyfriend has told me that I shouldn't worry as his sister and her boyfriend has "trust issues" and they are constantly doing this, but I'm shocked that they would drag me into their unstable relationship. My boyfriend and I were getting along so well and this has put such a strain on the both of us. I know I'm going to have to bite the bullet and go round eventually but I really feel like i'm one more nasty comment away from slapping his sister... Edited September 16, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
ExpatInItaly Posted September 16, 2018 Posted September 16, 2018 Well, you discovered the real reason Princess is a pill to you: she is jealous of you. In her tiny head, you are a threat to her relationship. It sounds to me like she puts you down and pulls you apart because her boyfriend might have made passing comments of praise about you. Or perhaps she noticed him checking you out. I would put money on it, actually. So she's invented a different scenario (you wanting him) to justify her immature behavior. It sounds like the family knows she is a drama queen with a wild imagination. You know the truth, and so does she. Stand by your truth. It's a good thing you didn't respond to her message. But you know what? I would not let this little twerp stop you from enjoying his family. Show up with a huge smile on your face, and if she dares make a comment, look her right in the eye and tell her directly and calmly that you don't appreciate her disrespect. Period. Do not engage in her "ooh, how much are your shoes?" or "why do you wear make-up?" Tell her it's not her business, and redirect the conversation. Or respond with a weary, "This again?" and change the subject. Chances are if you give her enough rope, she will hang herself, so to speak.
smackie9 Posted September 16, 2018 Posted September 16, 2018 I know you are going to hate me for this, but I feel sorry for her. She has never had any real direction socially or even emotionally, or anyone to sit down with her to help her with her issues. She is very very insecure, and as a defense, she puts on airs, says that nothing what people say about her bothers her in the least, picking on others makes her feel superior, etc. Her family is to blame for this...they enable her by ignoring this behavior for years. It's all an act to shield herself from her insecurities. You want to change this, you need to give her the reaction she was not expecting...compassion and understanding. Be sweet and kind. If she makes a rude comment respond in a calm way that makes her feel stupid for saying it. Do it with humor. Like for the boot comment for example, respond like this: (sisters name) I know you have a lot of experience with fashion, but not everyone can afford it, but I am open to gifts from those who can...then give her a wink, and a elbow nudge. Lets go shopping together someday you can show me around..... Or (sisters name), you are just being silly. That's not the way to fix things with you and your BF. Just because he's attractive doesn't mean all women want to have sex with him...then laugh it off. Then surprise her with "If you ever need someone to talk to I'm here for you." as long as you never react to her bs comment negatively, she won't know what to do with herself, because she expects it, because she loves to push people's buttons. Don't let her win. Eventually she will stop picking on you. 2
basil67 Posted September 16, 2018 Posted September 16, 2018 Does your boyfriend agree with your perception of her? If so, has he ever had a word with her about her behaviour towards you?
Dis Posted September 16, 2018 Posted September 16, 2018 OP, I'm in a similar situation but rather it's my bf's Dad who's rude to me I've learned it all comes down to two things... 1. You need your bf's support. He doesn't need to stab his sister at the dinner table when she insults your top but he needs to back you, as in correct her when she makes those comments and/or talk to her afterwards. If you don't have his support, your relationship might not work out. With that said, your bf probably sees her behavior as normal. He's grown up with her. So be patient with him as long as he's hearing you and agreeing to support you. He has to have her back as well as her's so cut him a reasonable amount of slack as long as he's doing what he needs to do to back you. 2. While you do need to participate in your bf's family get togethers, you still need to enforce boundaries. You don't need to go over there every Sunday for dinner. Just be there for special occasions. Why would you show up just to be someone's punching bag on a regular basis? Tell your bf about this and as long as he agrees you don't need to be present for every gathering, you're on the same page and all is well These are the boundaries and rules I've implemented with my bf and they've worked well so far. I hope they work out for you and your bf too. Best of luck and keep us posted 1
Gretchen12 Posted September 16, 2018 Posted September 16, 2018 Unfortunately, with someone like that, you'll either be her friend or her foe. I'd much rather be her foe. It's like this, you have to be strict with her and put her in her place. Let her know you are off limits to her antics. She tries to pick up your foot, you say "don't. touch. me." Then after she backs down, you are nice to her. She gets confused and starts to admire you. But, this is why I say I'd rather be her foe. Because once she latches onto you as her best friend, you won't get rid of her!! Best to keep far far away from her.
smackie9 Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 Ya but maybe she will give her bestie a Coach purse or a pair of Prada shoes!
kendahke Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 It's been manageable up until a few weeks ago when my boyfriend came over to my apartment and told me that his sister had made some comments at the dinner table to the effect that I had been flirting with her boyfriend. I can tell you this much without having to read the rest of your post: your problem isn't the sister. Your problem is your boyfriend. He should have never come over the threshold of your home with a lie from his sister to drop into your lap when he knows that you didn't do what his nutcase sister said. The fact that he didn't strangle this before he concluded his conversation with his sister is a huge, HUGE red flag for you that demands your immediate attention. It's one thing if he's too scared to get his sister straight, but to then deflect his sister's nonsense by bringing a lie home for you to own and sort is really beyond the pale. I see nothing redeemable about his actions, OP, and as long as he isn't opening up a can of "act right", don't expect for him to check his sister. You're going to have to fight her on your own without his assistance. He's too willing to believe lies about you and someone who claims they love you won't do this without unassailable proof. 1
mortensorchid Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 It's a bad thing when you are encountering behaviors like this from family, either yours or someone else's. Friends are another matter, you find out pretty quickly who your real friends are in situations like this. But I digress … Understand that someone who does things like this does this regularly to others, so it may make you feel better that you are not alone in this. Also, as I have noticed, people like this do things like this first within families before they do to others outside of the family. I think they have bones to pick with everyone because they are unhappy or angry with themselves, don't want to admit things, and therefore make others unhappy. Or they like looking down at others and making themselves feel superior. I don't know what's happened to people in the world, they are full of narcissistic snobs anymore. Not ONE person ever hurts them or puts them down? All I can say is that someday they will get theirs.
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