So this date

[Imajerk17]

I am not matching with people I find attractive hence the need to modify pictures. The way I see it its a loss position, I present myself I get unattractive matches, I present something different and I get better matches with ironically better looking more interesting people. If they completely write me off on looks alone then who has really lost, me of them?

 

 

For once with this I actually can choose which is rather nice as opposed to trying to pretend to like matches I really don't like at all.

 

 

Wait, I thought from all your previous threads that you were getting dates before, so it wasn't your looks that were holding you back. Unless...you were doctoring your photos all along

 

If you WERE doctoring your photos all this time then that would also explain your dating struggles. Not that there weren't other issues, but to show up on a first date looking decidedly less attractive than your photos as if you misrepresented yourself intentionally to your dates, that puts you in quite a deep hole already.

 

Meanwhile what everyone else has said already. You really have no basis to be complaining at the "shallowness" of the people you have met on Tinder as you seem to be as shallow as your dates. And of them *you* are the one misrepresenting yourself.

Edited September 18, 2018 by Imajerk17

[ZA Dater]

Not even close man... Most People, believe it or not, are trying to find a compatible life partner with whom to share their life with. Attraction is definitely part of the initial equation; but it’s much more than that.

 

If this thread is a representation of who you are; your personality is the issue. Not your sex appeal. Not your flirting. Not your OLD pictures. But your attitude and values. These opinions are so alien to me that I’ll have to ask if you are on the autism spectrum?

 

 

No I am not. I simply do things differently to everyone else out of choice, people tell me to change so I try another method and then get told not to. Fact is what I did before didn't work so why not try something else. Compatible life partner I am not sure such a thing exists based on those around me who are forever complaining about their significant others/making excuses for them.

 

 

I used to really take rejection hard, thanks to the help of people here I don't anymore so as much as some say I don't listen I do.

 

 

The prospect here was a good one because their was potential, more so than with most others I meet. Because I am a workaholic everything gets looked at from that perspective, I actually want someone who can challenge me, someone motivated to succeed and someone who has some ambition.

 

 

I realised I wont ever find that person but every person you meet gives perspective.

[ZA Dater]

Wait, I thought from all your previous threads that you were getting dates before, so it wasn't your looks that were holding you back. Unless...you were doctoring your photos all along

 

If you WERE doctoring your photos all this time then that would also explain your dating struggles. Not that there weren't other issues, but to show up on a first date looking decidedly less attractive than your photos as if you misrepresented yourself intentionally to your dates, that puts you in quite a deep hole already.

 

Meanwhile what everyone else has said already. You really have no basis to be complaining at the "shallowness" of the people you have met on Tinder as you seem to be as shallow as your dates. And of them *you* are the one misrepresenting yourself.

 

 

 

I used normal pictures before and had very poor matches to the extent I wasn't even prepared to meet up with them so no I wasn't getting dates.

 

 

For the most part doing this has made me realise looks are the issue and there isn't anything I can do about that so I can rest easy because its beyond my control. Instead of feeing down because I didn't know what I did wrong I now know its not something I can change. If the best I can do are these people, then really I'd rather just keep to myself and have nobody at all.

[Imajerk17]

No I am not. I simply do things differently to everyone else out of choice, people tell me to change so I try another method and then get told not to. Fact is what I did before didn't work so why not try something else. Compatible life partner I am not sure such a thing exists based on those around me who are forever complaining about their significant others/making excuses for them.

 

 

I used to really take rejection hard, thanks to the help of people here I don't anymore so as much as some say I don't listen I do.

 

 

The prospect here was a good one because their was potential, more so than with most others I meet. Because I am a workaholic everything gets looked at from that perspective, I actually want someone who can challenge me, someone motivated to succeed and someone who has some ambition.

 

 

I realised I wont ever find that person but every person you meet gives perspective.

 

Actually I think you showed the opposite of what you think you did.

 

Yes indeed those people may be complaining about their partners' faults but (in most instances) they still love them anyway. And in fact these people were aware of their partner's personality type and (in many instances) their flaws from very early on and yet they still stayed with them anyway. I mean, their partners were not perfect and they didn't pretend that they were, but they made the best of what they had.

 

Thus there is no charade that you speak of, the personality type and very often the issues too were apparent from the very beginning.

 

 

[if you are still confused with the advice given to you to change your approach vs "charade" I wrote this in a previous post here:]

At the end of the day we all have our strengths and our basic personality types. You are an introverted intellectual. You can try to find ways to use this to your advantage and find a better medium for you than Tinder (I keep saying this over and over and over...) and you can also work on being less uptight, less judgemental, and keep on working on your flirting/banter skills. But you cannot try to give the impression that you are the life of the party, because it just won't work. The other person will see right through it right away, and someone who *could be* attracted to who you really are, just won't have the chance to as you are pretending to be someone else.

Edited September 18, 2018 by Imajerk17

[ZA Dater]

Actually I think you showed the opposite of what you think you did.

 

Yes indeed those people may be complaining about their partners' faults but (in most instances) they still love them anyway. And in fact these people were aware of their partner's personality type and (in many instances) their flaws from very early on and yet they still stayed with them anyway. I mean, their partners were not perfect and they didn't pretend that they were, but they made the best of what they had.

 

Thus there is no charade that you speak of, the personality type and very often the issues too were apparent from the very beginning.

 

 

[if you are still confused with the advice given to you to change your approach vs "charade" I wrote this in a previous post here:]

 

Point is the other mediums are even worse for matches. I am simply not prepared to have what I do not find attractive. So if the same is dished out to me so be it. At least I get some decent conversation out of it from people who would normally just ignore me.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

ZA, why aren't you answering our questions about how exactly you doctored the pics? What did you do? Did you use pics of someone else entirely?

[MidwestUSA]

ZA, why aren't you answering our questions about how exactly you doctored the pics? What did you do? Did you use pics of someone else entirely?

 

 

I'm quite curious as well. I have a few pics I'd like to do some work on. My work badge, for one. Driver's license too, if it was possible. Why does that have to be the worst pic ever taken of yourself? Yea, with the digital age, they'll give you a retake if your eyes are closed, but they won't let you run to the bathroom and fix your hair/makeup.

[lana-banana]

I wonder if it's something like cropping photos to hide balding/a receding hairline, or using odd angles to mask a lack of height?

I remember men who did that online and I found it so exasperating. Not sure what else constitutes "heavily edited". That said, the attitude and contempt for women expressed here is practically jumping off the screen. If I can detect it while reading, the women you trick into dates can detect it too, and you're not going to get anywhere as long as they can tell you don't respect them.

[ZA Dater]

I wonder if it's something like cropping photos to hide balding/a receding hairline, or using odd angles to mask a lack of height?

I remember men who did that online and I found it so exasperating. Not sure what else constitutes "heavily edited". That said, the attitude and contempt for women expressed here is practically jumping off the screen. If I can detect it while reading, the women you trick into dates can detect it too, and you're not going to get anywhere as long as they can tell you don't respect them.

 

 

 

Edited in so far as they look better, colour looks better, background is better, perhaps I look at bit more tanned.

 

 

No contempt at all. I just know how it works now and accept its all about looks and nothing else is really that important.

 

 

As I say, dating is a curiosity for me, not something I need so trying this out is pretty harmless, if they don't like me and walk, do I really care? Not so much, I might be stretching the truth but equally they are just showing themselves up as superficial.

 

 

If nothing else I can sleep easy knowing I cant change my looks and easier still to know being a good person counts for nothing. I have only ever met one person who didn't date people purely for looks, she was a 20 out of 10 looks wise and could date anyone she wanted to. What she did was date people based on their personality, who they were as people, yes she didn't date completely out of shape people but the ordinary guy behind the counter at a store had the same chance with her as a guy driving a Porsche.

[MaleIntuition]

No I am not. I simply do things differently to everyone else out of choice, people tell me to change so I try another method and then get told not to. Fact is what I did before didn't work so why not try something else. Compatible life partner I am not sure such a thing exists based on those around me who are forever complaining about their significant others/making excuses for them.

 

I used to really take rejection hard, thanks to the help of people here I don't anymore so as much as some say I don't listen I do.

 

The prospect here was a good one because their was potential, more so than with most others I meet. Because I am a workaholic everything gets looked at from that perspective, I actually want someone who can challenge me, someone motivated to succeed and someone who has some ambition.

 

I realised I wont ever find that person but every person you meet gives perspective.

 

Fair enough. What things are you doing differently than everyone else?

 

That’s victim mentality: “I’m to special”. There are plenty of ambitious and motivated girls out there, that should not be very hard to find.

[Chilli]

I'm quite curious as well. I have a few pics I'd like to do some work on. My work badge, for one. Driver's license too, if it was possible. Why does that have to be the worst pic ever taken of yourself? Yea, with the digital age, they'll give you a retake if your eyes are closed, but they won't let you run to the bathroom and fix your hair/makeup.

 

 

haha , does that happen over there too???

Here everyone moans about the license pic they get stuck with

last time l thought l'd be smart and pay the 6yr license instead of the 3 year.

Man , you should see the pic. l've got about 6,mths left to live with it then l can finally get a newy, ha, probably be just as bad anyway.

[Chilli]

Edited in so far as they look better, colour looks better, background is better, perhaps I look at bit more tanned.

 

 

No contempt at all. I just know how it works now and accept its all about looks and nothing else is really that important.

 

 

As I say, dating is a curiosity for me, not something I need so trying this out is pretty harmless, if they don't like me and walk, do I really care? Not so much, I might be stretching the truth but equally they are just showing themselves up as superficial.

 

 

If nothing else I can sleep easy knowing I cant change my looks and easier still to know being a good person counts for nothing. I have only ever met one person who didn't date people purely for looks, she was a 20 out of 10 looks wise and could date anyone she wanted to. What she did was date people based on their personality, who they were as people, yes she didn't date completely out of shape people but the ordinary guy behind the counter at a store had the same chance with her as a guy driving a Porsche.

 

 

Yeah l saw in the first post you were just playing about with a bit of an experiment doesn't faze me most of the girls do anyway from what l saw in my little old stint back when.

thing is your wrong about not being able to change our looks. Man hair alone can make a huge difference, huge. AWomen change their look everyday, some.

A few different clothes, l'm all for being yourself that's exactly what l tell anyone it's just wasting everyones time being anyone else but yaknow, we all change our look a bit a long the way in life that's only natural, it's still us.

 

But also of course the person counts, no relationship will get far if the person , you both , is all wrong.

Relationships are all about finding that person that fits and vice versa .

Edited September 19, 2018 by Chilli

[brigit87]

No I will be blunt and risk the ban that comes with it. All I match with are obese ladies, I have no interest in obese people. I myself work out and can be described as slim.

 

 

Edit pictures and suddenly I am getting more the slim/curvy people matching with me rather than people I really have no interest in. I am judged on looks so I don't see why I shouldn't apply that exact same criteria.

 

Perhaps, this isn't the app for you. Your logic is strange. But one day you'll meet up with a VERY angry woman and have a horrible experience.

[CautiouslyOptimistic]

Edited in so far as they look better, colour looks better, background is better, perhaps I look at bit more tanned.

 

Well, that doesn't sound "heavily edited." Sounds more like you used a filter. So, maybe your looks were fine and she didn't like your personality. That wouldn't prove your point that only looks matter though.....

[ZA Dater]

Perhaps, this isn't the app for you. Your logic is strange. But one day you'll meet up with a VERY angry woman and have a horrible experience.

 

 

 

I have tried all of them in SA. This is the only one there is a decent volume f people.

 

 

Most of my dates have been horrible so accomplishing a horrible experience isn't difficult at all.

 

 

At the moment I am far more interest in people I can accomplish things with, add that sort of value. What I mean by this a person who take great photographs can help me with projects, likewise someone who writes well can help me do things.

 

 

I just enjoy spending time with people with similar interests/talents, for me that's really the core of what I want. She doesn't have to hug me she doesn't have to do anything, just spend good time together. Most of the best time I have had were like that.

[ZA Dater]

Relationships are all about finding that person that fits and vice versa .

 

 

 

I hear you on that one but people are also incredibly blind and make excuse for things all too often, I am guilty of this but when I sit around and hear people making excuses for their partners I do begin to wonder.

[ElKay]

I hear you on that one but people are also incredibly blind and make excuse for things all too often, I am guilty of this but when I sit around and hear people making excuses for their partners I do begin to wonder.

 

Thing is, life isn't perfect and no one fits us perfectly either... It's all about what matters to each person. The guy I'm currently dating is very compatible to me on multiple levels, but he's not a Christian. I may complain at times that he isn't since I can't share some activities with him due to that. Does it mean I'm making excuses for him? No, just that his pros outweigh his cons and I'm happy with it overall.

[Dis]

OP, you're contradicting yourself all over the place

 

You only want to date someone you can do things with not based on loos vs. you want to date a slim/curvy girl

 

Women judge men solely on looks vs. you judging your matches on looks

 

Women only want to date an attractive guy vs. you photo shopping your pics yet being upset when the date doesn't go anywhere

 

The bottom line is, you have a bad attitude and I'm sure along with misrepresenting yourself physically, the way you come across personality wise must be a huge deterrent for the women you go on dates with

[coolheadal]

I decided to regroup, take stock, throw old ideas away and come up with new ones. From the outset I need to say I don't feel the absolute need to date, its no longer bothering me that I haven't had a relationship.

 

 

<SNIP>

 

Your thinking too much about this experience and you are expecting a level headed woman. She's not, because of the way she was acting. She was bored when they play with their hair. The laughing is normal but she might have wanted sex or do sexy things with her legs with you. If you didn't pick up the gestures in her movements then it's your lost but then you might not have been ready to play those sexual games. I know because I was too confronted with the hair and laughing and the wondering toe. Either you except that or just get up and say it's not working you and I are done. I'll take you home and that's it. No need to put yourself through her crap behavior and you know this date was a bust anyway. I see in your second post in this thread.

Edited September 22, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[elaine567]

I guess here the problem was probably something you said or did that turned her off and she abruptly ended it.

As so many of your dates tend to end badly, with you being effectively "blocked" you need to analyse closely what you say or do.

Women do not tend to block "good guys" that they just do not find attractive.

Stray comments, opinions, attitudes, that your own friends may find acceptable or funny may not be going down too well with these women. Something is turning them off so much so that they are not even interested in the odd text/message after meeting you...

What could it be?

[Estes]

Hello I am a lurker here but I can relate to Zone Daters stories and I learned something very useful on this latest thread although I'm sorry it's due to another failed date for Zone Dater!

 

 

I am going to darken my photos and change the background colors so that I will get better matches and more dates.

 

 

Thanks!

[MaleIntuition]

Hello I am a lurker here but I can relate to Zone Daters stories and I learned something very useful on this latest thread although I'm sorry it's due to another failed date for Zone Dater!

 

 

I am going to darken my photos and change the background colors so that I will get better matches and more dates.

 

 

Thanks!

 

Not sure if serious but I’ll answer anyway.

 

As many other areas in life I don’t consider retouching to be either yay or nay, but a spectrum of maybes. As a hobby photographer I’ll shot everything in raw; that means I’ll have to do basic editing. Among the things that I think everyone should be doing is:

Fix the white balance, essentially the “warmth” of the picture.

Fix lightning/contrast

Crop the picture

Blurring out the background and perhaps add a slight vignette

 

When it comes to light retouching I don’t think these are a big deal: adding some sharpness to the hair, removing sharpness from the skin, adding some more lightning to the eyes etc. If done correctly the effects can be very subtle, but can make the picture “pop” a bit more.

 

Another interesting tool is cloning which can be used to remove for example a pimple or stray hairs which are temporary anyway.

 

My point is that I don’t really consider it a big difference to put on makeup, hair wax, finding optimal lightning and learning how to use angles to your advantage versus simply putting on some virtual make up after the exposure.

 

No amount of retouching can increase your social intelligence though...

[Mardelis]

Waste of your time.

 

 

 

Tell her thanks but no thanks and move on.

 

 

Unless you really want her as a friend but it doesn't seem that way.

[elaine567]

Waste of your time.

Tell her thanks but no thanks and move on.

Unless you really want her as a friend but it doesn't seem that way.

 

BUT if you read

 

She ended the date early because she starts work early. Cool except she now appears to be ignoring me on whats app. Ok no problem I'll leave it.

 

He has no option but to leave it, SHE made the decision to end the date early and SHE has gone MIA on him.

One cannot make friends out of people who won't even talk to you...

[Mardelis]

SHE made the decision to end the date early and SHE has gone MIA on him.

 

Oops missed that. Seems like it's par for the course.

 

 

What the heck happens on these first dates???