stuck_in_the_past Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 I am weird and I am an aquired taste (as mentioned before by another in this thread) I prefer to be courted and get to know people first. I don't enjoy the random starbucks dates, but how else do you get out there these days. I am 35 this month. I did the random starbucks circuit for about 8 years. Same thing. Then, weirdly I stopped online because at the time it became "lame" to keep doing that for me. I took a class in art. And met 'my first real life encounter' there. Guess I did things in the opposite order as most people. You lucky, 35. I'm past 40..
Logo Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 It's not like I wouldn't return the favor See? When you use that kind of language and add a wink, well...You get my drift. So even if you didn't like the guy and he paid for the entire date, including dinner and drinks, you'd still ask him on a second date so as to have the chance to return the favor. Is that what you're saying?
stuck_in_the_past Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 See? When you use that kind of language and add a wink, well...You get my drift. So even if you didn't like the guy and he paid for the entire date, including dinner and drinks, you'd still ask him on a second date so as to have the chance to return the favor. Is that what you're saying? Hey, aren't you Serena Williams? (Sorry if you don't get the joke) Anyway, sorry to interuppt. Proceed.... 1
Author shellybing Posted September 14, 2018 Author Posted September 14, 2018 See? When you use that kind of language and add a wink, well...You get my drift. So even if you didn't like the guy and he paid for the entire date, including dinner and drinks, you'd still ask him on a second date so as to have the chance to return the favor. Is that what you're saying? If I went on a date like that, I would be sure that the guy was worth my time as much as he thought I was as much worth his. So that would not be a question. I tried to edit my comment but it would not let me, so I will add here that If a guy did that for me and treated me respectfully, he would be deserving of the same treatment yes. It's not just about the money either. IF they showed up with a flower and opened the car door I'd be happy. There is litereally no effort or even try in these dates. It's not like I am asking to be treated to gordon ramsay but if someone invites me out on a date, then it's a date. So what if it's old fashioned.
Logo Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 Hey, aren't you Serena Williams? (Sorry if you don't get the joke) Anyway, sorry to interuppt. Proceed.... I got the joke. Good one. Thanks for the laugh.
Author shellybing Posted September 14, 2018 Author Posted September 14, 2018 I did the random starbucks circuit for about 8 years. Same thing. Then, weirdly I stopped online because at the time it became "lame" to keep doing that for me. I took a class in art. And met 'my first real life encounter' there. Guess I did things in the opposite order as most people. You lucky, 35. I'm past 40.. I am hoping it will go better soon. Who knows. Its kind of scarey for me because i have had abusive relationships. I don't want that again. I am not looking forward to 35, but I guess Ill deal with it. I already bought some Olay products, so there's that. blah. lol Aging gracefully is not so easy sometimes!
Logo Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 If I went on a date like that, I would be sure that the guy was worth my time as much as he thought I was as much worth his. So that would not be a question. I tried to edit my comment but it would not let me, so I will add here that If a guy did that for me and treated me respectfully, he would be deserving of the same treatment yes. It's not just about the money either. IF they showed up with a flower and opened the car door I'd be happy. There is litereally no effort or even try in these dates. It's not like I am asking to be treated to gordon ramsay but if someone invites me out on a date, then it's a date. So what if it's old fashioned. Nothing wrong with old-fashioned as long as the orange peel is good. Now that you've clarified your point, I see what you're getting at. I think the lack of effort is a reflection on that person, not you. But you already knew that. I went on a date with a woman who literally put zero effort into it. She showed up looking as if she had just rolled out of bed. Perhaps she did. Who knows. It was both boring and a waste of my time. But that's dating.
5x5 Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 (edited) I would think those were bitchin' dates. I would LOVE it if a guy invited me to just dinner and would just like to get to know me or do something fun. Some women are just out for the free stuff, so don't really forget that. I have even done that before. I remember my dad calling me just as I got into the parking lot of the restaurant and telling him I could not talk, I was on a date. He started in with the Dad stuff and I quickly let him know I was only there for the time away and the free food. It was a cheap burrito. But don't let that discourage you - getting out there and getting to know people, and getting out of your box or type is a huge deal. You need to meet people, and it can be costly, but you should do it anyway. I do. Because I usually dont mind paying for my own dinner, or even for the whole date if needed. But what I mean by "They don't pay" is that I wish someone would just think I was worth it enough to pay for just once. This date was a glass of cheap wine at a nearby eatery. He was very PDA right from the get go. It was all about sex, but he says these things that indicate "he just knows." and that is weird and kicking of my spidey senses. . The sex was okay, dont get me wrong. I am usually not the type to do that, but we all have needs sometimes, and I have only ever had one other one night stand. It wasn't expected or planned that way, but I honestly at this point intend it to just go that way. I can't decide if I want to be in a relationship with a guy after just one date, and I get the feeling that is what he is expecting. I mean, if I meet his marks great, but I think getting to know someone before jumping right in like that is best. Im 35 and have kids, and that seems really fast to me. "I want to be with you" after 1 date and a handful of chat seems a bit fast to me? When it comes to paying, who is doing the asking? In my experience when I was asked out the woman most often paid on the first date, although sometimes we sort of split the costs. When I did the asking I always paid on the first date. If that first date became many, the norm was we'd variously share the costs, treat each other and or pay alternately. As to your comment that they expect sex, whether they pay or not. For myself I've never expected sex, although I frequently got sex. Yet I feel no entitlement to it, nor feel sex ought to be offered for a date or paying for a date. I tend to expect that people will share sex if they want to share sex for the sake of wanting to share sex for itself. My first wife, had sex with me within a couple of hours of meeting me at a party, there was no expectation of longevity or promise of anything, we were just attracted to each other and had sex. Then kept doing the same and liked each others company to the point we were together for a few years. Likewise with my 2nd (current) wife who I have been with for 22+ years (19+) married. She asked me out on a lunchtime date, while we were at work. It was fun we had a laugh, then we went on another date that evening and I slept at hers petting and the like. We didn't have sex though, since she hadn't shaved her legs it was the middle of winter and the date thing was a bit spontaneous. Then shortly after that we started having sex, with no expectation of any ongoing relationship. She thought she would have fun with me for a few weeks and I thought the same. As it turned out, we're still having fun together with plenty of sex as well so we've just kept doing the same. I have always tended on the test driving sex and then getting to know them route and then we might end up with something special. On the other hand getting to know them and ending up with something special then sharing sex can work as well. Yet for me I don't think sex is sacred or the like, so I like to get sex out of the way early before I invest myself more emotionally if the sex is crap. My wife is the same on this, just as a number of my previous sexual partners have been as well. There's nothing wrong with having sex with someone and then deciding, meh I don't want more with them as an ongoing thing. Who in their right mind, would want to be with someone who isn't feeling it for them? Let him go and don't sweat it. Edited September 14, 2018 by 5x5
Logo Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 When it comes to paying, who is doing the asking? Honestly, I don't think it should matter. After all, the two are going out because they share an interest and both want the same experience. If it were in the real world, I would agree with you. But, in an online setting, where both are on there for the sole purpose of dating, then it really doesn't matter, in my opinion, who asks first. On a lighter note, someone could figure out a loophole in that system and just sit around waiting to be asked out so as to avoid paying.
Author shellybing Posted September 14, 2018 Author Posted September 14, 2018 When it comes to paying, who is doing the asking? In my experience when I was asked out the woman most often paid on the first date, although sometimes we sort of split the costs. When I did the asking I always paid on the first date. If that first date became many, the norm was we'd variously share the costs, treat each other and or pay alternately. As to your comment that they expect sex, whether they pay or not. For myself I've never expected sex, although I frequently got sex. Yet I feel no entitlement to it, nor feel sex ought to be offered for a date or paying for a date. I tend to expect that people will share sex if they want to share sex for the sake of wanting to share sex for itself. My first wife, had sex with me within a couple of hours of meeting me at a party, there was no expectation of longevity or promise of anything, we were just attracted to each other and had sex. Then kept doing the same and liked each others company to the point we were together for a few years. Likewise with my 2nd (current) wife who I have been with for 22+ years (19+) married. She asked me out on a lunchtime date, while we were at work. It was fun we had a laugh, then we went on another date that evening and I slept at hers petting and the like. We didn't have sex though, since she hadn't shaved her legs it was the middle of winter and the date thing was a bit spontaneous. Then shortly after that we started having sex, with no expectation of any ongoing relationship. She thought she would have fun with me for a few weeks and I thought the same. As it turned out, we're still having fun together with plenty of sex as well so we've just kept doing the same. I have always tended on the test driving sex and then getting to know them route and then we might end up with something special. On the other hand getting to know them and ending up with something special then sharing sex can work as well. Yet for me I don't think sex is sacred or the like, so I like to get sex out of the way early before I invest myself more emotionally if the sex is crap. My wife is the same on this, just as a number of my previous sexual partners have been as well. There's nothing wrong with having sex with someone and then deciding, meh I don't want more with them as an ongoing thing. Who in their right mind, would want to be with someone who isn't feeling it for them? Let him go and don't sweat it. I am not emotionally invested in sex. But some people are. That is why it is bothersome. I have had bad experiences in the past with that, and feeling guilt. I am only human and even if I am independent and unattached at times, I can still be guilted into things. It's terrible being human sometimes. LOL
Author shellybing Posted September 14, 2018 Author Posted September 14, 2018 In essence, I am asking the original question becasue I dont know the guy well enough to know if he is going to go away or stalk me, because he could be the type that is emotionally invested in sex.
stillafool Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 In essence, I am asking the original question becasue I dont know the guy well enough to know if he is going to go away or stalk me, because he could be the type that is emotionally invested in sex. Again, you are way overthinking this. Men don't really want female friends so if you offer friendship they will fade away to find another woman who will give them sex. So just be honest and say "I think you are a nice man but I'm no longer interested. I wish you the best." Obviously if he stalks you you will have to get the police involved; however I think that statement will get him to leave you alone. 1
OatsAndHall Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 Just be direct. "Look, I'm just not interested. Take care and good luck". And, ignore any further responses from him. Also, virtually every woman gets bombarded with messages within hours of signing up for an OLD account. Most of them have the "new members/matches" feature and guys will jump at the chance to fire off messages to them. 1
Author shellybing Posted September 14, 2018 Author Posted September 14, 2018 whoever posted that I am over thinking it was right. *welcome to anxiety* ahhh I sent a message saying I think you are a great guy but I am no where near the readiness you are, and that I've only had my dating acct open for a week. He responded with okay, I won't bother you unless you contact me. So there it is. Another one bites the dust. 1
OatsAndHall Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 whoever posted that I am over thinking it was right. *welcome to anxiety* ahhh I sent a message saying I think you are a great guy but I am no where near the readiness you are, and that I've only had my dating acct open for a week. He responded with okay, I won't bother you unless you contact me. So there it is. Another one bites the dust. That's a quality response from his end. Kudos for that. For future reference, I wouldn't give someone any wiggle room to to plead for a second chance when calling it off. There are a lot of folks out there who would have read your text and said "I'm sorry if I was moving too fast, we can move at your pace." or "We can take things slowly, how about ___ night?" I can attest to this fact because I've been on both ends of the spectrum. Lol I suggest keeping it short and direct if you're going to call it off. I would honestly rather have a woman say "I'm not into you" versus trying to placate me. 2
ChatroomHero Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 Also, there was intimacy. I was willing, but it was a bad decision and after thinking about it these last couple of days, I am just not into the guy enough to go out with him again. So there's that. *which further complicates things* I am not attached, but he seems to be. Any reason you left the most important detail out of your initial question? I mean you say that you weren't into him, he was too pushy, grabby hands and that turned you off but you still hooked up...that changes the involvement level between you two that you are trying to address. All that is fine, but if you are really worried about letting him down nicely, there is probably not a good way because how will he take that situation as whole. Let's say your dream man went out with you, you had an incredible time, best sex ever, woke up overly happy for a few days thinking about seeing him again...what could he say to let you down nicely? Nothing really. Anything you say, he will rationalize as, "but we had a great date, hooked up, there is something there.." no matter what. Any attempt at nicely letting him down he will think is a vague indication of some interest on your part. Go with something like...hey, I have no regrets, I enjoyed the date but I am not feeling it and not interested in continuing to date you. A stand up guy will be hurt but take it on the chin and reply...ok, thanks. I enjoyed meeting you and wish you well. As much as it sucks, I would rather have a woman tell me, "I find you ugly as hell" or "I just don't like your personality" than say anything else to let me down easy...that's the real torture.
stillafool Posted September 14, 2018 Posted September 14, 2018 whoever posted that I am over thinking it was right. *welcome to anxiety* ahhh I sent a message saying I think you are a great guy but I am no where near the readiness you are, and that I've only had my dating acct open for a week. He responded with okay, I won't bother you unless you contact me. So there it is. Another one bites the dust. I wouldn't have told him what he was ready for; I would have just spoken of how I felt but you accomplished your goal. See it wasn't that hard.
Author shellybing Posted September 14, 2018 Author Posted September 14, 2018 Well I will certainly keep in mind these responses. I am not any good at this at all. It breaks my heart to have to let them down, as much as it sucks to get let go, it also sucks to have to do so. I was pretty sure I would have the same response. I had met him before on OLD. I come and go and take plenty of time between breaks. It was the 2nd time he had started messaging me, and I had an impatient, "I'm not going to talk to you anymore, because you don't want to go out" (because I had already refused a date with him once months before. I agree. I should have not left it open, for future purposes. You really do never know.
salparadise Posted September 15, 2018 Posted September 15, 2018 I am an independent woman, but if I am going on a date I expect to be treated like a lady. ...General douchebaggary. Any reason you left the most important detail out of your initial question? Perhaps twinge of anxiety that "douchebaggary" may have become a gender-neutral term in the 21st century? The amount of stuff in this thread that doesn't reconcile amazes me. 3
Author shellybing Posted September 16, 2018 Author Posted September 16, 2018 Perhaps twinge of anxiety that "douchebaggary" may have become a gender-neutral term in the 21st century? The amount of stuff in this thread that doesn't reconcile amazes me. That is rude. Everyone has differing opinons and beliefs about dating. There is nothing wrong with having a preference.
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