How to respond nicely - let him down easy

[shellybing]

I had a date.

I signed up for online dating this week, and so I went. It was an okay date.

 

I like the guy, but he is too forward about affection, which can be good. But not so much for a first date.

 

He is really out there pushing too hard, and while we have a lot in common, I really think I am a bit more rough around the edges for a guy like him. He barely drinks and I have the tolerance of a college girl, even though I thought I was on the light weight end these days. I mean, the date was great and so was the conversation, but I think there were a few things that just sent up some red flags there, that I did not really appreciate. Especially with his forwardness and wanting to move so quickly on the first meeting.

 

I am a strong supporter of the "heck yes, or no" idea. And it wasnt really a "heck yes" so I really would just like some help on how to word it, to let him down easy.

 

Any help would be great. Thanks

[stuck_in_the_past]

I think I am "that guy" you just dated. Not literally. But you know what I mean...

 

Let me ask you. If you knew him from real life.. like you would see him over and over, you think he could of been a "acquired taste" kinda guy? Could you see that you would've heck yes'ed him had this occured over months.. but you are stuck on that 1-time shot thing?

[shellybing]

I think I am "that guy" you just dated. Not literally. But you know what I mean...

 

Let me ask you. If you knew him from real life.. like you would see him over and over, you think he could of been a "acquired taste" kinda guy? Could you see that you would've heck yes'ed him had this occured over months.. but you are stuck on that 1-time shot thing?

 

He was talking about how much "He knew it when he saw it."

I interpreted that as, he was trying to mention love at first sight without trying to scare me, but it was scaring me.

 

It was the first meeting and he immediately began putting his hands on me. Affection is great, love is great, but I am into getting to know a person before any of that happens.

 

We chatted intermittently for 3 days before our scheduled date, and I had only opened my OLD account THE SAME DAY he messaged me.

 

Like moving really fast, and is impatient to wait for a second date, and given we both have children - I am on a tight schedule.

[Rocker71]

I had a date.

I signed up for online dating this week, and so I went. It was an okay date.

 

I like the guy, but he is too forward about affection, which can be good. But not so much for a first date.

 

He is really out there pushing too hard, and while we have a lot in common, I really think I am a bit more rough around the edges for a guy like him. He barely drinks and I have the tolerance of a college girl, even though I thought I was on the light weight end these days. I mean, the date was great and so was the conversation, but I think there were a few things that just sent up some red flags there, that I did not really appreciate. Especially with his forwardness and wanting to move so quickly on the first meeting.

 

I am a strong supporter of the "heck yes, or no" idea. And it wasnt really a "heck yes" so I really would just like some help on how to word it, to let him down easy.

 

Any help would be great. Thanks

 

Just tell him "I think we should just be friends for now."

[stuck_in_the_past]

Oh ok, that's different then. You might just have to click 'delete' on his thingy and that should be the end of that.

 

I really shouldn't be telling you that. Cause I think that's what they're doing to me. But without even meeting me, go figure..

[5x5]

"You seem okay, but I'm not feeling it."

[stuck_in_the_past]

Just tell him "I think we should just be friends for now."

 

Ugh, no, not the 'friend' line??? That's probably what caused #meToo.

 

Me personally, would rather hear a girl take 10 minutes to do some "acting" and attempts to show "I still exist" yet, 'not gonna happen'.

 

As a man, it's just less anger inducing that way. Makes men not do the #meToo kinda stuff....

[Rocker71]

"You seem okay, but I'm not feeling it."

 

I wouldn't. Cuz then she might feel obligated to explain how he is "okay". He'll drive himself insane wondering how he is just "okay".

 

He'll talk to someone and ask them about her saying about 'just being friends.' And they will tell him about how you're not feeling it and how he should move on.

 

Yea I never get touchy-feely on the first date. On the first date I'm trying to decide if I'd like your company again.

Edited September 14, 2018 by Rocker71
Spelling

[shellybing]

I am not the type to be "just friends"

 

Me too does not apply to me because I am willing to tell a MOFO no and I pack. So no I am not going to be on that list.

 

I just would like to let him down easy, he seems like the kind of guy who would take it hard though. I am a lady a bit rough around the edges like that.

[shellybing]

If I say it myself I will just be like hey dude, you are great but I don't like you, it's not for me.

 

And if he responds I am the type to tell him to go **** off.

 

Also, there was intimacy. I was willing, but it was a bad decision and after thinking about it these last couple of days, I am just not into the guy enough to go out with him again.

 

So there's that. *which further complicates things* I am not attached, but he seems to be.

[Rocker71]

I am not the type to be "just friends"

 

Me too does not apply to me because I am willing to tell a MOFO no and I pack. So no I am not going to be on that list.

 

I just would like to let him down easy, he seems like the kind of guy who would take it hard though. I am a lady a bit rough around the edges like that.

 

You don't really have to be his friend. Just tell him that. He'll talk to someone and they will let him know that "just be friends" is code for you letting him down gently.

 

It's what most women do in this situation. If you tell him outright that you're not feeling it, it won't be letting him down 'gently'. He'll go away feeling bad about himself right then and there.

 

It's more constructive to tell him " let's just be friends" because he'll figure it out on his own AND go over his interactions with you in his mind and hopefully correct his forwardness with the next chick.

That really is being gentle about letting him down.

 

Hey! Do you listen to classic rock by any chance?

[shellybing]

You don't really have to be his friend. Just tell him that. He'll talk to someone and they will let him know that "just be friends" is code for you letting him down gently.

 

It's what most women do in this situation. If you tell him outright that you're not feeling it, it won't be letting him down 'gently'. He'll go away feeling bad about himself right then and there.

 

It's more constructive to tell him " let's just be friends" because he'll figure it out on his own AND go over his interactions with you in his mind and hopefully correct his forwardness with the next chick.

That really is being gentle about letting him down.

 

Hey! Do you listen to classic rock by any chance?

 

I do listen to classic rock.

 

Maybe I'll so some reading about how to be more diplomatic about these things. It is tiring, he is a good guy. Just not for me. Most of my dates are pretty shoddy so I have no problem hurting their feelings, but I don't want to tear this guy to shreds with that. He is very gentle hearted, but too forward with his affections. I liked it that night, but we all need affections. I just know it wouldnt work out long term because we have viewpoints that are different. He is settling down in one city, and I might move in a couple years out of the city, etc etc. And Im not really looking to go into anything serious like that, or like he is wanting, or even so quickly.

[MaleIntuition]

You are seriously overthinking this; you are not responsible for his emotions. Letting someone down “easy” is not real anyway. A rejection is still a rejection even if it’s somehow worded like something else. Be polite but straightforward.

 

“Thanks for the date, but this isn’t working for me”

[Rocker71]

I do listen to classic rock.

 

Maybe I'll so some reading about how to be more diplomatic about these things. It is tiring, he is a good guy. Just not for me. Most of my dates are pretty shoddy so I have no problem hurting their feelings, but I don't want to tear this guy to shreds with that. He is very gentle hearted, but too forward with his affections. I liked it that night, but we all need affections. I just know it wouldnt work out long term because we have viewpoints that are different. He is settling down in one city, and I might move in a couple years out of the city, etc etc. And Im not really looking to go into anything serious like that, or like he is wanting, or even so quickly.

 

I'm just curious from your statement here, how are most of your dates shoddy?

What do the guys do or don't do?

[shellybing]

I'm just curious from your statement here, how are most of your dates shoddy?

What do the guys do or don't do?

 

No connection.

Random starbucks dates that are just a shot in the dark.

Bad conversation.

Misleading.

General douchebaggary.

[Rocker71]

No connection.

Random starbucks dates that are just a shot in the dark.

Bad conversation.

Misleading.

General douchebaggary.

 

You're not long on details are ya?

 

I'm trying to learn from others douchebaggery so that I don't put out the same douchebaggery.

 

I LMAO at "douchebaggery"!

[stuck_in_the_past]

Shelly just be lucky you get random starbucks dates. How old are you?

 

I 'remember' what that felt like. I had random starbucks dates too.

 

I don't think you got a problem, this is just a problem of "today" and having the internet and millions of single people all thinking the same thing......

[5x5]

I wouldn't. Cuz then she might feel obligated to explain how he is "okay". He'll drive himself insane wondering how he is just "okay".

 

"I'm not feeling it." Is plenty really.

 

In my experience the above has always been sufficient for me on the receiving end. And has always seemed adequate and to the point, when I have often delivered it myself.

 

As to being driven insane I cannot imagine experiencing this wondering, is that something driven by anxiety or insecurity?.

 

If I heard that I would consider it gracious and to the point, and let her go without calling again. Since not everyone is sexually attracted to me, just as I'm not sexually attracted to everyone else. If I'm not feeling the electricity and she isn't, it's a waste of time to press on.

 

He'll talk to someone and ask them about her saying about 'just being friends.' And they will tell him about how you're not feeling it and how he should move on.

 

Of course he should move on. If someone isn't interested sexually (which is fine), it's simply a case of NEXT!

 

Yea I never get touchy-feely on the first date. On the first date I'm trying to decide if I'd like your company again.

 

For most of my first dates I was trying to get to know them as well, yet it was touchy feely to some degree since most of my first dates happened after I had sex with whoever I was dating.

 

For my first dates that didn't start after having sex first, I often had sex at the end of the first date or sometimes the second or third. If sex didn't happen it tended to come from a point of there was no second date.

 

I went on one brief lunchtime date with a woman, who asked me out and we agreed to go out together in the evening. Anyway at the end of that back at hers, she asked me why I didn't pash her at lunch. I just said I thought I'd wait, shortly after saying that we were having sex at her initiation.

 

Another time I gave one woman a kiss at her front door at the end of our first date. Then she stopped me and said "I'm not like that", I said "that's fine" and thought in my head I am so in you next time. So sure enough at the end of the second date we ended up having sex for the next few days with only meal, sleep, shower and toilet breaks.

[shellybing]

You're not long on details are ya?

 

I'm trying to learn from others douchebaggery so that I don't put out the same douchebaggery.

 

I LMAO at "douchebaggery"!

 

They do not pay and expect sex if they do pay.

That is pretty much it for me on the general douchebaggary.

 

I am an independent woman, but if I am going on a date I expect to be treated like a lady. Not all women are like that, it depends on the woman I guess.

[shellybing]

Shelly just be lucky you get random starbucks dates. How old are you?

 

I 'remember' what that felt like. I had random starbucks dates too.

 

I don't think you got a problem, this is just a problem of "today" and having the internet and millions of single people all thinking the same thing......

 

I am weird and I am an aquired taste (as mentioned before by another in this thread)

 

I prefer to be courted and get to know people first.

 

I don't enjoy the random starbucks dates, but how else do you get out there these days.

 

I am 35 this month.

[shellybing]

"I'm not feeling it." Is plenty really.

 

In my experience the above has always been sufficient for me on the receiving end. And has always seemed adequate and to the point, when I have often delivered it myself.

 

As to being driven insane I cannot imagine experiencing this wondering, is that something driven by anxiety or insecurity?.

 

If I heard that I would consider it gracious and to the point, and let her go without calling again. Since not everyone is sexually attracted to me, just as I'm not sexually attracted to everyone else. If I'm not feeling the electricity and she isn't, it's a waste of time to press on.

 

 

 

Of course he should move on. If someone isn't interested sexually (which is fine), it's simply a case of NEXT!

 

 

 

For most of my first dates I was trying to get to know them as well, yet it was touchy feely to some degree since most of my first dates happened after I had sex with whoever I was dating.

 

For my first dates that didn't start after having sex first, I often had sex at the end of the first date or sometimes the second or third. If sex didn't happen it tended to come from a point of there was no second date.

 

I went on one brief lunchtime date with a woman, who asked me out and we agreed to go out together in the evening. Anyway at the end of that back at hers, she asked me why I didn't pash her at lunch. I just said I thought I'd wait, shortly after saying that we were having sex at her initiation.

 

Another time I gave one woman a kiss at her front door at the end of our first date. Then she stopped me and said "I'm not like that", I said "that's fine" and thought in my head I am so in you next time. So sure enough at the end of the second date we ended up having sex for the next few days with only meal, sleep, shower and toilet breaks.

 

This is an interesting viewpoint.

[Rocker71]

I am weird and I am an aquired taste (as mentioned before by another in this thread)

 

I prefer to be courted and get to know people first.

 

I don't enjoy the random starbucks dates, but how else do you get out there these days.

 

I am 35 this month.

 

Lately my dates, even first dates have been going to see local bands with some dancing. Or shooting pool or bowling. More recently hiking in Griffith Park and then Jamba Juice after.

Starbucks is the last place I'd have a date. I like to have fun doing stuff.

 

This month and next it'll be doing the Halloween mazes at Universal and Long Beach.

[shellybing]

Lately my dates, even first dates have been going to see local bands with some dancing. Or shooting pool or bowling. More recently hiking in Griffith Park and then Jamba Juice after.

Starbucks is the last place I'd have a date. I like to have fun doing stuff.

 

This month and next it'll be doing the Halloween mazes at Universal and Long Beach.

 

I would think those were bitchin' dates. I would LOVE it if a guy invited me to just dinner and would just like to get to know me or do something fun. Some women are just out for the free stuff, so don't really forget that. I have even done that before. I remember my dad calling me just as I got into the parking lot of the restaurant and telling him I could not talk, I was on a date. He started in with the Dad stuff and I quickly let him know I was only there for the time away and the free food. It was a cheap burrito. But don't let that discourage you - getting out there and getting to know people, and getting out of your box or type is a huge deal. You need to meet people, and it can be costly, but you should do it anyway. I do. Because I usually dont mind paying for my own dinner, or even for the whole date if needed. But what I mean by "They don't pay" is that I wish someone would just think I was worth it enough to pay for just once.

 

This date was a glass of cheap wine at a nearby eatery. He was very PDA right from the get go. It was all about sex, but he says these things that indicate "he just knows." and that is weird and kicking of my spidey senses. . The sex was okay, dont get me wrong. I am usually not the type to do that, but we all have needs sometimes, and I have only ever had one other one night stand. It wasn't expected or planned that way, but I honestly at this point intend it to just go that way. I can't decide if I want to be in a relationship with a guy after just one date, and I get the feeling that is what he is expecting. I mean, if I meet his marks great, but I think getting to know someone before jumping right in like that is best. Im 35 and have kids, and that seems really fast to me. "I want to be with you" after 1 date and a handful of chat seems a bit fast to me?

[Logo]

 

I am an independent woman, but if I am going on a date I expect to be treated like a lady. Not all women are like that, it depends on the woman I guess.

 

Does being treated "like a lady" mean that he has to pay for the date or are you merely expecting gentlemanly chivalry?

 

If it means paying for the date, then how does equality figure into that?

 

On the one hand you say that you're an independent woman. That's great. Every adult should be independent. But then you add, "I expect to be treated like a lady."

 

Read: "I have money, I'm not a leech, but he should pay because, you know, lady....... and...... old-fashioned platitudes and everything...........whatever...... just dine me and wine me and I'll think about going on a second date with you."

 

Do him a favor and just tell him you didn't feel a spark.

[shellybing]

Does being treated "like a lady" mean that he has to pay for the date or are you merely expecting gentlemanly chivalry?

 

If it means paying for the date, then how does equality figure into that?

 

On the one hand you say that you're an independent woman. That's great. Every adult should be independent. But then you add, "I expect to be treated like a lady."

 

Read: "I have money, I'm not a leech, but he should pay because, you know, lady....... and...... old-fashioned platitudes and everything...........whatever...... just dine me and wine me and I'll think about going on a second date with you."

 

Do him a favor and just tell him you didn't feel a spark.

 

It's not like I wouldn't return the favor