posting traumatic experiences online

[cliptec]

1. 
   

My husband grew up from an abusive family. He didn't know, or maybe thought it was normal until he met me. There was a lot of screaming, yelling, acting out in public, blaming and other negative and explosive emotions. I pointed out to him how his mom needs help and is very abusive. For years he brushed me off and even gave me tips on how to brush off her mother's unpleasant attitude and behavior. Every interaction with them is always like walking on eggshells. We have to make sure she'll be happy or that every plan or vacations has to planned around her convenience. Even when we announced to her that we got engaged, she screamed at my husband (bf/fiance at that time) for calling her and getting engaged at an inconvenient time for her . Father in law is a big time enabler but he thinks nothing is wrong with him or that we are just being difficult. Every time I point out to her her nasty attitude and behavior, she ALWAYS explodes and turns the table and always make it seem like it was my fault or someone else' fault and that we deserve such bad treatment from her. father in law even said "she has a good reason to act that way". She even attacked my parents and my relatives for petty things.

 

I cannot talk to her in a calm state or approach her to talk things out. I felt trapped and helpless. I wrote a poem and posted in in social media of how I felt trapped and traumatized being with an abusive person. I never mentioned her name or any specifics about her. It was just about this person who was abused and is abusing other people and that the cycle has to stop. She got furious and told my husband that what I did is unacceptable. I shared articles in facebook publicly about abusive and toxic difficult parents, mothers who are alcoholics, how to deal with narcissistic and borderline people and such. Slowly, my husband started to realize how abusive his mother is and how his father never protected him from the abusive mother. He remembered a lot of suppressed and repressed abusive childhood memories (he recalls his mother throwing knives) He commented on one article and said he identified with it.

 

He talked to them and pointed out to them in about all these abusive behaviors but he was dismissed and made him feel like it was his fault. My husband stopped talking to them and said he'll only talk in therapy.

 

They did therapy but in therapy they always made sure that everything was because my husband is the problem. They also brought up those postings on social media. They said we shouldn't post those things and that they are worried about what "relatives and other people" would think. I initially posted (this was before they went to therapy) something also about an article about abusive parents and at that time it wasn't about them, it was about a friend who has an abusive father, but I guess my mother in law was so paranoid she thought it was about them. My husband also posted some articles in his page to reach out to other people who were abused. She said if I/we were to post something like that, i/we should tag that person, or I should post it somewhere else. It felt like she was controlling what we post online. So we both blocked them in social media. They got furious because the photos of us in vacations that look like we were having fun and loving each other were gone in their facebook page. Behind those smiles in the photos are anxieties, meltdowns, her throwing tantrums over very petty things and screams.

 

My point here is, was it wrong to post a poem or article about traumatic experiences(those were published articles written by psychiatrists, psychologists and licensed counsellors)? Why does it feel like she only wants us to post stuff about us having "fun" together. I remember her saying when we were having dinner at a restaurant "I should post something in fb so people will think I'm doing something." It feels like they were hushing us for being a domestic abuse victim. She said since they are doing therapy, posting articles will affect the progress of the therappy. How does it affect the progress? Does that mean, painters who paint their experiences should not display their paintings publicly?

[bathtub-row]

Personally, I would’ve never married into this family. My concern would be for any children I had, and the continual, disturbing interactions with these nut-cases. However, now that you’ve gone down this road, I recommend that you create an alternate Facebook page that only is for them. That way, psycho mom can see only happy stuff.

 

Therapy isn’t going to help these people because they don’t want help. The mom will fight this to her grave. I hope you live far away from them. If not, I’d consider moving. The mom is completely horrible!

[cliptec]

Personally, I would’ve never married into this family. My concern would be for any children I had, and the continual, disturbing interactions with these nut-cases. However, now that you’ve gone down this road, I recommend that you create an alternate Facebook page that only is for them. That way, psycho mom can see only happy stuff.

 

Therapy isn’t going to help these people because they don’t want help. The mom will fight this to her grave. I hope you live far away from them. If not, I’d consider moving. The mom is completely horrible!

 

I know. I knew something was wrong, but they were good at making it look like it was my/our fault. I fell into the abusive cycle. It got worse after we got married and now I've mustered up the strength and courage to speak up. I asked for a divorce. I told him I have to protect my emotional and mental health but my husband is now fighting them back. We totally blocked them in social media. My husband is ready to cut them off if they continue to be oppressive. I told him a manipulator and abuser will always make it look like they are changing for the better to get you back and regain control. We live hundreds of miles away from them. My husband wants to be a dad but we have to push off starting a family because of his parents. I'm scared to have kids because of them. We stopped communicating with them but the therapist said we have to "move forward" and only talk to them when we feel comfortable. Father in law is furious and is rushing us to talk to them. He is still dismissive and is very worried that his wife isn't happy. I dont think we'll ever feel comfortable with them anymore. They were even demanding that we send pictures and updates about our dog to them. They also added my relatives and family in social media. I think it helps them monitor what we do especially they know that my husband and I often hangout with my relatives and that my relatives love posting things.

Edited September 13, 2018 by cliptec

[Gaeta]

Yes, in my opinion you were wrong to post those on FB. Social Media isn't a place to wash your dirty laundry or to exteriorize your inner battles. A lot of people could take it personally and feel hurt when it was not even meant to them.

 

 

 

One of my sister-in-law kept posting articles on cutting your tie with your family to be happy and a lot of people in my family felt hurt when in fact those articles were meant for her side of the family.

 

 

 

Just keep your inner battles off the net.

 

 

 

As for your mother in law just cut your ties. My BF has cut his ties to his mother years ago. She was toxic to him and becoming toxic to his children so no more of that. He will visit her once in a while but he won't stay at her house, he takes a hotel, visits her shortly and come back before she starts her blaming game.

[cliptec]

Yes, in my opinion you were wrong to post those on FB. Social Media isn't a place to wash your dirty laundry or to exteriorize your inner battles. A lot of people could take it personally and feel hurt when it was not even meant to them.

 

 

 

One of my sister-in-law kept posting articles on cutting your tie with your family to be happy and a lot of people in my family felt hurt when in fact those articles were meant for her side of the family.

 

 

 

Just keep your inner battles off the net.

 

 

 

As for your mother in law just cut your ties. My BF has cut his ties to his mother years ago. She was toxic to him and becoming toxic to his children so no more of that. He will visit her once in a while but he won't stay at her house, he takes a hotel, visits her shortly and come back before she starts her blaming game.

 

Thanks.

 

Does that mean she is also wrong for posting her rants about the world and posting things about how her step sister was a blacksheep in the family?

Cant they just block me if they don't want to see my posts? So what kind of experiences one should only post in social media? Does that also mean abuse survivors cannot share their experiences?

 

I wanted to cut ties with her but my husband initiated the therapy. Until when should we tolerate the toxicity of his parents? He even gets panic attacks days before the scheduled therapy.

Edited September 13, 2018 by cliptec

[JuneL]

Posting negative things about personal relationships on social media is immature and passive aggressive.

[bathtub-row]

I agree that looking at crap on Facebook about people’s opinions in general gets on my nerves. I just think it’s over-used and not everything needs to be talked about publicly. That’s your call but don’t compare your standards to hers, or expect her to make general comparisons about what she does versus what you do. You need to think of her as a child with brain damage. And as funny as it sounds, it’s true. She’s not fixable and her maturity level will never increase.

 

I’m impressed that your husband has taken the steps he’s taken. That’s no small feat.

[Gaeta]

Thanks.

Does that mean she is also wrong for posting her rants about the world and posting things about how her step sister was a blacksheep in the family?

Yes she was wrong. Social media isn't a place to rant or be vindictive.

 

 

 

Cant they just block me if they don't want to see my posts?

Yes they can block you but think of all of your other friends that will have to read your rant. I hate these types of post in FB even if it's not meant for me. I hate it when some of my friends post stuff about life being hard and always hitting on them. FB isn't a forum, it's not a support group! It's a place to socialize.

 

 

 

So what kind of experiences one should only post in social media? Does that also mean abuse survivors cannot share their experiences?

Like I said FB isn't a forum to share your abuse, it's not a support group, it's a public place. There is no difference between posting your abuse on FB and standing in middle of Walmart and yelling out loud about your abuse. If you want to share your abuse stories then be part of a private group on FB. These people want to hear your stories, not your colleagues on FB, not your neighbors on FB, not your high school friends you have on FB.

 

 

I wanted to cut ties with her but my husband initiated the therapy. Until when should we tolerate the toxicity of his parents? He even gets panic attacks days before the scheduled therapy.

You and your husband are 2 separate individual. He does his things with his therapy and his family, you stand back and remove yourself from it. Support your husband but block them out of your life.

[cliptec]

I know it was an immature move but it felt like it was our last resort because the family therapy isn't working. It wasn't reaching them that they are the problem.They were always hostile when concrete examples of abusive behaviors were presented.

 

We already removed the posts but it helped us made us feel that we were not alone. My husband was able to talk and connect with friends and relatives who were also in an abusive family.

 

It kind of made me think too that his parents wants to control and manipulate us and made sure we are only making them look like great parents. I have fb friends/relatives that are also fb friends with his parents who has posted very similar articles but his parents never contacted them nor told them or us that what they did is wrong.

 

It is just frustrating that they say what we did is wrong and unacceptable but when they do it, they give us a bunch of excuses and defend their immature, passive, aggressive and hostile behaviors.

 

It makes me think they they feel so entitled to hurt us because they are older than us and that they never had a happy childhood. They actually admitted and said that we should feel lucky because mother in law's parents were very abusive and that she has treated us better than how she was treated by her own parents (husband's grandparents)

[cliptec]

Yes she was wrong. Social media isn't a place to rant or be vindictive.

 

 

 

Yes they can block you but think of all of your other friends that will have to read your rant. I hate these types of post in FB even if it's not meant for me. I hate it when some of my friends post stuff about life being hard and always hitting on them. FB isn't a forum, it's not a support group! It's a place to socialize.

 

 

 

Like I said FB isn't a forum to share your abuse, it's not a support group, it's a public place. There is no difference between posting your abuse on FB and standing in middle of Walmart and yelling out loud about your abuse. If you want to share your abuse stories then be part of a private group on FB. These people want to hear your stories, not your colleagues on FB, not your neighbors on FB, not your high school friends you have on FB.

 

 

You and your husband are 2 separate individual. He does his things with his therapy and his family, you stand back and remove yourself from it. Support your husband but block them out of your life.

 

Yes, I did that and will support him. They say nasty things about me and then my husband defends me and it infuriated them, especially her. How can I block them off completely out of my life when they added all of my close relatives in fb and stalks them to monitor if we hang out with them. She has put them on alert notifications when they post something. She even tried to add my best friends, not his son's but mine. They didn't accept the invite because they knew what she was upto.

 

He joined a narcissistic/borderline abuse survivors, and apparently his mom stalks him and monitors every movement and then when he comments on articles posted by or in the group, it apparently alerts her. That's why we just totally blocked them in all social media.

[cliptec]

I agree that looking at crap on Facebook about people’s opinions in general gets on my nerves. I just think it’s over-used and not everything needs to be talked about publicly. That’s your call but don’t compare your standards to hers, or expect her to make general comparisons about what she does versus what you do. You need to think of her as a child with brain damage. And as funny as it sounds, it’s true. She’s not fixable and her maturity level will never increase.

 

I’m impressed that your husband has taken the steps he’s taken. That’s no small feat.

 

Yes, I admit it. I lowered myself and acted irrationally especially when she started saying nasty things about my own parents. I think everyone reacts hastily when they are angry and traumatized. (she hasnt even met them yet and she started judging them). They even said they are entitled to have an opinion but when I say my own opinion that doesnt match theirs, I get berated.

 

That's one thing too that i get frustrated, she knows she has issues and uses it as an excuse and defend her nasty behaviors. She also loves to talk behind others back and criticize them. She keeps telling me how her mother in law (My husband's grandmother) has been mean to her all the time and also how she and her sister are not in good terms. Based on her stories, all of her relatives apparently are nasty to her and abusive. Their family psychiatrist even said she is a "professional victim player".

 

She saved all the articles that were posted and had the therapist read them. The therapist said all articles are about her 100%. I think this is one of the reasons that pushed her to see an individual psychologist. She initially didnt want to because she thinks her behaviors are caused by us or something else. I think posting has somewhat helped because it sparked something. We deleted the posts after that with the promise that she will continue her own therapy. But until now, she is still the same. sigh.

[bathtub-row]

You must be young and she’s using that youth against you. Do yourself a favor and STOP EXPECTING LOGIC from her actions. It isn’t there. It doesn’t exist. She is manipulating and abusing in every way she can. Her goal is to dominate you by crushing your self-esteem. It doesn’t have to make sense for her to do it, it only has to make you react. STOP REACTING.

[preraph]

Block her off your social media! Block them both off of it! It's a tap of the mouse, and voila, none of her business anymore. You already have tension, so why would you be "friends" on social media? Block the daft cow.

 

You read your husband right. He had to deal with that as normal. No idea if the poor man has any parenting skills because of that, but he's put up with them, so I guess he'll put up with anything you can dish out. Now he's just starting to see it's not normal -- but this isn't going to change him overnight and his mother is so aggressive he will never have the nerve to really shut her down, is my guess. I hope I'm wrong.

 

You have a right to expect your husband to take YOUR side, his wife, when it's down to you or his parents. Even Dr. Phil will tell you this is his obligation to deal with. Is he up to it? Probably not. Let's hope the counseling helps. It doesn't happen in a day.

[cliptec]

You must be young and she’s using that youth against you. Do yourself a favor and STOP EXPECTING LOGIC from her actions. It isn’t there. It doesn’t exist. She is manipulating and abusing in every way she can. Her goal is to dominate you by crushing your self-esteem. It doesn’t have to make sense for her to do it, it only has to make you react. STOP REACTING.

 

Thanks! Yes, The longer I dwell on it, the more I try to point out her behavior, the more I lose myself. My husband and I have read so many articles and has gone to therapies ourselves too. The posts has been removed a while ago and we have blocked them too. But everytime they (father, mom and son) go on family therapy, they keep bringing up the social media issue and demands that my husband say it too that what I did is wrong. My husband doesn't answer that question but responds to them that I have every right to say my opinions and express it just the way they express their opinion. He was also pointing out to them that they are in therapy because of the ongoing abusive behaviors but his parents get fixated with the social media issue. It infuriates her. They wont let go of the social media thing until my husband stops siding with me .

[cliptec]

Block her off your social media! Block them both off of it! It's a tap of the mouse, and voila, none of her business anymore. You already have tension, so why would you be "friends" on social media? Block the daft cow.

 

You read your husband right. He had to deal with that as normal. No idea if the poor man has any parenting skills because of that, but he's put up with them, so I guess he'll put up with anything you can dish out. Now he's just starting to see it's not normal -- but this isn't going to change him overnight and his mother is so aggressive he will never have the nerve to really shut her down, is my guess. I hope I'm wrong.

 

You have a right to expect your husband to take YOUR side, his wife, when it's down to you or his parents. Even Dr. Phil will tell you this is his obligation to deal with. Is he up to it? Probably not. Let's hope the counseling helps. It doesn't happen in a day.

 

I already blocked them both. My husband also even blocked them too. Since she is fb friends with my relatives and family, every time my we hangout or have a party and they want to post photos, I try tell them not to post pics that has both me and my husband in it. It sucks that the arrangement has become like that.

 

I know he has an obligation to side with me and make me his priority, but I keep telling him to not enable or correct me if I have done something wrong. I dont want to end up the kind of relationship his parents have. An abusive alcoholic wife and an enabling husband.

 

I know it will take a lot of time but he is slowly healing too. He admits that there were instances where things didn't go the way we planned and he was already preparing himself that he will get yelled at. It was his way of coping growing up with abusive parents.

[basil67]

Thanks! Yes, The longer I dwell on it, the more I try to point out her behavior, the more I lose myself. My husband and I have read so many articles and has gone to therapies ourselves too. The posts has been removed a while ago and we have blocked them too. But everytime they (father, mom and son) go on family therapy, they keep bringing up the social media issue and demands that my husband say it too that what I did is wrong. My husband doesn't answer that question but responds to them that I have every right to say my opinions and express it just the way they express their opinion. He was also pointing out to them that they are in therapy because of the ongoing abusive behaviors but his parents get fixated with the social media issue. It infuriates her. They wont let go of the social media thing until my husband stops siding with me .

 

If he's to make progress with them, he should admit that you were wrong to do it (and yes, you shouldn't have shared this stuff). But at the time he's admitting that error, he could point out their double standard. He could discuss that everyone has been doing this social media stuff wrong and that it needs to not happen again on anyone's part.

[cliptec]

If he's to make progress with them, he should admit that you were wrong to do it (and yes, you shouldn't have shared this stuff). But at the time he's admitting that error, he could point out their double standard. He could discuss that everyone has been doing this social media stuff wrong and that it needs to not happen again on anyone's part.

 

In his opinion, it is not wrong to post one's experience and to reach out to people in social media, the way his parents wont admit that acting out in public and throwing things in public is wrong when things doesn't go the way they want to.

 

I sent them a message and even talked to them about what I did and apologized if it hurt them. They did not accept my apology and instead said belittling remarks and berated me on the phone. Their behavior and reaction to my apology made me feel like I did a mortal sin.

 

And even after that, they posted some things that made it look like his own son is disowning her and that she was begging that her son not leave her.

[bathtub-row]

There’s no point in anyone admitting anything. These people are beyond immature and beyond help. If it were me, I’d stop the therapy sessions and cut them out of my life for 2 yrs. After that, see how it goes. If it’s still the same, rinse and repeat.

 

Until they figure out that you’re not going to tolerate abuse and that you’re not going to get sucked into arguments, then being around them is pointless and destructive to your lives.

[cliptec]

There’s no point in anyone admitting anything. These people are beyond immature and beyond help. If it were me, I’d stop the therapy sessions and cut them out of my life for 2 yrs. After that, see how it goes. If it’s still the same, rinse and repeat.

 

Until they figure out that you’re not going to tolerate abuse and that you’re not going to get sucked into arguments, then being around them is pointless and destructive to your lives.

 

That's the cycle I tried to cut. Everytime she gets upset for no apparent reason, I find myself apologizing and it makes her empowered. She feels like she will never do something wrong because she is perfect and that she has a husband who adores and praises her.

 

For them, Im an evil person for making their son realize that being in an abusive family is not normal. I thought posting something would help open up their minds and reflect on themselves. I guess it backfired as they only focused on being offended and that it would ruin their public image.

[bathtub-row]

They’re taking one instance and blowing it out of proportion - and so are you. Just f-ing drop it. Stop engaging with them and stop letting them get under your skin. Stop talking to them. Whatever it takes. SHE WILL ALWAYS GET UPSET FOR NO APPARENT REASON. That’s how she operates.

[PhillyLibertyBelle]

Thanks.

 

Does that mean she is also wrong for posting her rants about the world and posting things about how her step sister was a blacksheep in the family?

Cant they just block me if they don't want to see my posts? So what kind of experiences one should only post in social media? Does that also mean abuse survivors cannot share their experiences?

 

I wanted to cut ties with her but my husband initiated the therapy. Until when should we tolerate the toxicity of his parents? He even gets panic attacks days before the scheduled therapy.

 

Don’t worry about her posts it’s not a competition.take the moral high road. Block her and remember the internet is forever.