Struggling With Cancelled Wedding

[dontgo]

Three months ago now my ex (F25) and I (M27) had been together for 3 years and then 2 months before our planned wedding she broke up with me and called it off. I’m still struggling with the aftermath. Some of the backstory. We had lots of history together as I’d met her while in middle school and became best friends with her older brother who was in my grade. We didn’t start dating until right after she graduated from college when I surprisingly fell for her as she’d always had a crush on me.

 

Anyways she was definitely the driver of our relationship progressively becoming more serious. Like just one year into dating she’d picked out a wedding date for us. Then started to pressure me to propose and had planned the entire wedding before we were even engaged (purchased wedding dress, had church and venue booked). Life suddenly changed and we needed to buy a house together, so that we did. Then shortly thereafter I finally proposed. We’d lived together for about a year and our relationship had its ups and downs (More so than normal, lots of petty fights especially after moving in together). But then at the beginning of this year is when things got real bad.

 

Her father insisted on a prenup and in doing so managed to completely belittle me and my entire family by verbally attacking us and calling us unfathomable names (Legit verbal abuse). He was a very nasty individual in general throughout the entire relationship. Heck he’d be super rude to my ex all the time as well and needed to control everything. Nonetheless, it didn’t waiver my feelings for her. We saw a couples counselor to help us deal with her father and tried working with lawyers to make the prenup more suitable for 2 youngsters starting a life together and more in line with the Catholic Church’s beliefs of a marriage being a true union and partnership.

 

That failed miserably. My ex’s parents threatened to disown her from the family if she married me with an altered prenup (Not even attend the wedding). This scared her more than anything as family was huge to her so she gave me an ultimatum sign it or we’re done. I refused to sign it. Consequently, she broke up with me and in her mind I’m the bad guy and the reason for the breakup, she can’t even see the role her father played. The breakup has been very contentious, I haven’t even gotten my engagement ring back.

 

This whole ordeal has been very very hard on me. Losing the love my life, failing to get married, and now an evil and contentious breakup that is costing my family and I a ton of money. So many mixed emotions. Part of me just wants her back, but I know that isn’t the right answer or that it would ever happen.

Edited September 14, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[Normm]

What's the big issue with the prenup?

 

 

If you stay together forever it's meaningless and if you divorce you don't get whatever she has going in to the marriage.

 

 

 

Seems fair enough to me, and it's clear that she isn't going to choose being disowned by her family over marrying you.

 

 

She was in a horrible position and you dug your heels in and refused to budge, the outcome was completely predictable.

[d0nnivain]

She was never ready to be married. She did everything backwards. Who picks a date & buys a dress before the guy proposes?

 

You are not entitled to the ring back but a classy women would return it. She's too money grubbing.

 

the ring is the least of your problems. What are you going to do with this house you both own? Can you afford it on your own? Can she? Bad news -- you can't go NC until you sort that out.

 

Again as part of the she's not mature enough to be married, if she can't stand up to her father then she has no business getting married.

 

I have no problems with a pre-nup but two kids just starting out don't need one. What assets do you two have that need to be protected? Sounds like dad was worried about any inheritance she may receive when he dies. That can be addressed later.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you but better before the wedding then after when you need lawyers to get a divorce.

[Tiga]

Wow this story is so similar to my story. I was the female in the relationship but he proposed and then we started doing the planning. I never pressured or even talked much about marriage to him because I wanted him to make that decision and talk to me when he was ready.

 

Anyway our story is similar, his parents were so materialistic, narcissistic, manipulative, controlling, wanted to make decisions for us and definitely had an unhealthy attachment to their son, I heard there is a such thing as emotional incest.

 

Anyway they also said they were not coming to the wedding because they did not like something (did not like that they couldn’t control me) so they threatened to disown him.

 

When I didint agree with their requests that were presented to me through my ex he told me his gut feeling was telling him we weren’t meant to be.

 

Sorry that happened to you but it’s for the best. If someone is capable of doing that to you before your wedding then they don’t deserve to be with you. Imagine what else they are capable of doing? You probably are putting the blame on her parents, but love can be blind. At the end of the day she made the decision and chose her parents, proving to you that they are her first choice and that she did not love you enough to put you as her husband first. So she did you a favor because who wants to be married to someone who puts their other half second?

 

I know I don’t.

 

In all honesty it will take a long time to get passed the turmoil and hurt. It’s been 18 months for me since it happened to me. I went NC as soon as I moved everything out. I am still healing and I still don’t understand his way of thinking and processing. It’s because they were wired differently as in an unhealthy attachment to their parents, because I know I love my parents to death but I would never leave my future husband because my parents threatened to disown me.

 

You dodged a bullet. & be careful, she will contact you, please don’t respond and entertain her ego. She just wants to feel wanted. My ex reaches out several time and even just recently after almost a year of not reaching out.

 

Don’t ever speak to her again, she is a spineless woman who has no regard for others.

 

Be strong, everything happens for a reason. Eventually your tears slow down and dry up and the hurt turns into bitterness and then you stop seeing the best in her and see her true colors that she showed at the end. You end up knowing it will never work out and feel disgusted even thinking of speaking to her again.

 

& I hear eventually you completely move on where you have no feelings at all and you find a new love.

 

Good luck, keep your head up I know how hard this is.

[SevenCity]

She was never ready to be married. She did everything backwards. Who picks a date & buys a dress before the guy proposes?

 

You are not entitled to the ring back but a classy women would return it. She's too money grubbing.

 

the ring is the least of your problems. What are you going to do with this house you both own? Can you afford it on your own? Can she? Bad news -- you can't go NC until you sort that out.

 

Again as part of the she's not mature enough to be married, if she can't stand up to her father then she has no business getting married.

 

I have no problems with a pre-nup but two kids just starting out don't need one. What assets do you two have that need to be protected? Sounds like dad was worried about any inheritance she may receive when he dies. That can be addressed later.

 

I'm sorry this happened to you but better before the wedding then after when you need lawyers to get a divorce.

 

 

My understanding of the ring is that the woman is required to give it back assuming the marriage did not take place (unless it was given as a gift like on Christmas).

 

Is that not accurate? I’ve always read that the ring was contingent upon getting married and if the marriage doesn’t happen, the man gets it back - regardless of who broke up with whom.

 

No?

[d0nnivain]

It varies. Some states treat an engagement ring as an unconditional gift; others don't.

[Orokotikki]

So sorry for your pain dontgo (and Tiga), but better now than later.

Its ok to hurt and mourn, but then work on building yourself and look forward to your new life. These are bullets dodged.

 

Ase for the ring - let it speak to her character as to whether or not she returns it.

If she doesn't just consider it part of the tuition of life's lesson.

 

Also part of that tuition is the cost to consult a lawyer regarding the house.

The sooner you free yourself from the remnants of this relationship the sooner you can heal and move on.

 

Best of luck, and keep us updated, if you would.

[preraph]

Tiga said it best: unhealthy attachment to the parents.

 

Listen, I know it's all hurt right now, but someone who is still letting their parents tell them what to do (not to mention buying wedding stuff before they have been asked) is not mature enough to marry!

 

A nice person would return the ring, but legally, they do not have to. And I bet she won't. Because she and her family are all about the loot.

 

It's too soon for you to see the silver lining here, but you dodged a bullet getting out before you got married. She wasn't ready. She is a child in her thinking. She isn't independent and lets her parents dictate to her -- and she doesn't just let them, she believes them and sides with them! Just think if you had kids with her. Her mother would be calling all the shots how to raise them. They'd come over uninvited because they don't recognize your rights.

 

It's so much better it ended now than after marriage. She's got a lot of growing up to do. Sorry you're hurting. Go no contact with her and grieve and then move forward.

[bathtub-row]

One thing a spouse can’t touch is your inheritance. However, if you stay married, it’s a moot point unless you keep the money separate from everything else.

[bathtub-row]

Love of your life or not, your ex is a brat and a complete control freak. Just like her father. It’s really surprising that you can’t see that. I know it hurts right now but be proud that you stood firm to your principles. You’re better off without this little narcissist.

[d0nnivain]

One thing a spouse can’t touch is your inheritance. However, if you stay married, it’s a moot point unless you keep the money separate from everything else.

 

It's the keeping it separate part where most people get in trouble.

[Stercrazy]

My understanding of the ring is that the woman is required to give it back assuming the marriage did not take place (unless it was given as a gift like on Christmas).

 

Is that not accurate? I’ve always read that the ring was contingent upon getting married and if the marriage doesn’t happen, the man gets it back - regardless of who broke up with whom.

 

No?

 

Yes. In most states (not sure about outside the US) the ring is part of a contract to be married. Regardless who broke the contract the ring goes back to the purchaser.

[dontgo]

What's the big issue with the prenup?

 

 

If you stay together forever it's meaningless and if you divorce you don't get whatever she has going in to the marriage.

 

 

 

Seems fair enough to me, and it's clear that she isn't going to choose being disowned by her family over marrying you.

 

 

She was in a horrible position and you dug your heels in and refused to budge, the outcome was completely predictable.

 

I agree the outcome was completely predictable. The whole idea of a prenup is messed up though, I promise to love you forever and ever and be your partner but while we are married we need keep all of our finances separate as I don't trust you (Not just the inheritance in this instance). Say I ever became a stay at home dad, I would have been left with nothing in a divorce (No matter the circumstance... cheating on either end whatever), whereas the marital and divorce laws have been set up the way they are for a reason, no reason to rewrite your own for a marriage.

 

There is that and how her father treated me and my family. Perspective in-laws should not be calling me very derogatory names. I would have been getting myself into a life of misery, with constant belittling from them.

[d0nnivain]

. The whole idea of a prenup is messed up though, I promise to love you forever and ever and be your partner but while we are married we need keep all of our finances separate as I don't trust you (Not just the inheritance in this instance). Say I ever became a stay at home dad, I would have been left with nothing in a divorce (No matter the circumstance... cheating on either end whatever), whereas the marital and divorce laws have been set up the way they are for a reason, no reason to rewrite your own for a marriage.

 

In your case a prenup is messed up but I will say it again. In some circumstances they are valid & helpful. DH & I have one. We married later in life & had assets to protect. Marriage is about love. Divorce is about money. When you are getting divorced, you are very emotional which makes it hard to be reasonable & compromise. You feel betrayed & want to hurt the person who broke your heart. If you can't reach an agreement, & have to go to trial to let the judge decide that is incredibility expensive for lawyers, experts & the pieces of your soul that get destroyed. If you work stuff out up front when everybody is in love, it's much easier & cheaper. With all of the disclosures that were required & all of the discussions we had about difficult subjects, I swear that the process of writing & negotiating the pre-nup was the BEST pre-martial exercise we did because it forced us to talk. We draw on that when we disagree now.

 

So prenups themselves are not bad. The way one was forced down your throat was unconscionable & arguably could have made it invalid later.

 

Also the longer you are married the less weight the agreement has over time.

[BaileyB]

A prenup is essential if you are further along in life, and both partners bring sizeable assets into the marriage. At your age, it's not as important because you have nothing and you would build everything together...

 

Her parents influence was definitely inappropriate and not helpful.

 

But, the real issue is the fact that she wanted the wedding, more than she wanted to be married to you. A woman who picks a wedding date one year into your relationship and plans the wedding before you even propose, is a woman to avoid! Why were you so passive in letting her do these things?

 

And, the fact that you fought throughout your relationship speaks to a very unhealthy dynamic between you both. Given, there were lots of stressors - her parents, the wedding, etc... It's still not normal and not healthy. I'm sorry that you are struggling with the breakup. But really, this is not how you want to start your lives together...

Edited September 15, 2018 by BaileyB

[doyathinkso]

I'm sorry to have to say this but I think you got off lucky.

 

Kids often turn out to be like their parents so I reckon you just missed out on a whole boatload of crazy. Oh, maybe not right now but soon enough.

 

If she values her abusive parents opinions more than your feelings, well, .... what does that tell you?

[Lotsgoingon]

You're sorta passive throughout this story.

 

She took the initiative ... fantasy initiative ... and the question is: why wasn't her fantasy a red flag?

 

So you are getting together with a woman who plans a wedding before a relationship ... (fantasy land) ... and then on the other end, her family pushes her to negotiate a brutal prenup (semi-gangster to exaggerate).

 

She didn't stand up to her family.

 

I don't see what you're missing here. I think you got passive and attached, without taking initiative. Because she was interested in you, when you had a moment of interest with her, you went along with things.

 

You definitely dodged a bullet ... because she didn't stand up for you against her family.

 

Your desire to reconcile with her ... is just a brain fart. It's just a reaction to the pain you're in now, the disappointment you're in now, the confusion you're in now ... But trust me: pain, disappointment and confusion AND REJECTION would have followed you right into that marriage.

 

Quick reality check: her dad insulted your family ... looks down on your family. That's a sign that your longing for her now is just a brain fart that is meant to be ignored ... sorta like the desire to quit comes up in the middle of an important task that you're 3/4 finished.

 

The real trick is to learn from this ... Like, no way was her dad quiet and retiring until the prenup. You simply missed or ignored those signs. Had to be signs of a controlling dad. Had to be signs you missed that her family would look down on yours. Had to be signs that she wouldn't stand up for you.

 

My gut just wonders if she was the easy way out ... She always liked you ... so when you liked her for a moment, you just rode this wave ... but you missed that this wave also included some nasty currents.

 

Let yourself go through the pain. The pain is not an indicator that you should return to the relationship.

[AT15]

1st. I'm proud of you for not signing the pre nup.

2nd I'm sorry you didn't anticipate the wreckage

3rd a bullying father in law sounds terrible

 

I'm sure she will return, but ask yourself would she consider moving far away from her family? That's the only way this union has a chance. Maybe

[kgcolonel]

I agree with many others here...

 

1. Good for you for not being bullied into signing an "assumingly" unfair prenup.

 

2. She was not mature enough i.e. had not separated from her parents enough to establish a healthy marriage so yes you definitely dodged a bullet.

 

3. had you married, her dad's abuse would be been a constant and likely would have destroyed your marriage anyway.

 

4. Her parents at any rate would have been in your business for ever...

 

The engagement ring was a small price to pay to learn about the above. Yes, whether legally bound or not, she should give the ring back....

 

Is there a chance that she's holding on to it hoping you'll cave (don't) into signing the prenup?

 

KG

[Tiga]

What everyone wrote here is true, she is like her parents if not worse. I completely understand your pain, your thoughts and questions as I am in the same boat.

 

We will never have an answer, every answer I have is not enough for my brain to comprehend and understand the way it all played it and how could someone leave the person they love before their wedding because of their parents.

 

She will reach out to you sooner or later but don’t fall in that trap, she showed you who she was and showed you that she would rather live without you then not speak to her parents.

 

She Will never change.

 

I wish I had answers for you because I’m asking the same questions.

 

Good luck in your healing journey and stay strong!

[Els]

Anyways she was definitely the driver of our relationship progressively becoming more serious. Like just one year into dating she’d picked out a wedding date for us. Then started to pressure me to propose and had planned the entire wedding before we were even engaged (purchased wedding dress, had church and venue booked).

 

 

I didn't even need to read the rest of the thread. Dude, you REALLY dodged a bullet here! Behaviour like this doesn't just disappear once you're married. How controlling do you think she'll be then?

 

 

 

I know it's hard, but you should be thanking your lucky stars that she left. I hope you manage to move on.

[dontgo]

What everyone wrote here is true, she is like her parents if not worse. I completely understand your pain, your thoughts and questions as I am in the same boat.

 

We will never have an answer, every answer I have is not enough for my brain to comprehend and understand the way it all played it and how could someone leave the person they love before their wedding because of their parents.

 

She will reach out to you sooner or later but don’t fall in that trap, she showed you who she was and showed you that she would rather live without you then not speak to her parents.

 

She Will never change.

 

I wish I had answers for you because I’m asking the same questions.

 

Good luck in your healing journey and stay strong!

 

I really appreciate your kind words Tiga. Friends/family all tell me the same a lot of you have. That I did I fact dodge a bullet. I knew deep down she was trouble, but she was who I’d fallen for and allowed it to go on. It’s just a huge shock and terribly hard to comprehend how things like this happen. Our wedding was legit fully planned, we’d been essentially living as though we were married, she used the actual invitations and turned them into cancellations. My mind just can’t stop replaying everything and it’s annoying. I wish I could just easily forget it all never happened. Part of me wishes she’d reach out and apologize, but I know she’ll never ever reach out to me for anything.

[bathtub-row]

It’s going to take some time to get past it. You’re supposed to be married now and happy but, instead, it’s just the opposite. It’s very sad you gave your heart to someone who was willing to break it. I’m really sorry this happened to you. It’s a big pill to swallow.

[Lotsgoingon]

Dontgo, you don't want to forget this episode, as painful as it is.

 

The reason you don't want to forget is that we have to learn from our experiences. We each have a finite set of experiences that we can use to learn ... and humans are so confusingly different and complex and surprising that if we don't use our experiences to learn ... we're just gonna run into problems later.

 

When I say "learn" from experience, I don't mean come up with some easy adage like Never do X.

 

What I mean is give yourself time to look back at the relationship and you might see some signs that your gf wasn't stand up for you with her family ... or signs that she was too tied in with her family ... or signs that the dad's attitude towards your family didn't feel right.

 

You want to look for times when something really felt bad internally but you for whatever reason (this woman clearly has some good qualities) decided to ignore those bad feelings.

 

And note: I'm not saying you encounter something you don't like in a partner and you end a relationship. No ... every partner comes with their stuff. But it's a great practice when you run into something funky ... to raise the issue and explain your discomfort. Have an open discussion ... and see if your partner can quiet your worries. By raising an issue, you would also be signaling to your partner the boundary lines of what you will and won't accept.

 

You may feel like dirt for a while, but as everyone has said ... Dude, there is nothing worse than being married and feeling like dirt! ... Nothing worse than going much further into a relationship only to have the dirt thrown in your face.

 

We get how empty you feel ... but in this case, that emptiness was coming anyway! ... better to experience it now ... because things always hurt more later ... when you have invested even more of yourself.

[amaysngrace]

Get the ring back and get out from under that house because it’s just going to be a reminder of the life that didn’t happen.

 

I know it doesn’t feel like it but you dodged a big bullet. This one sounds like happy is something she’ll never get to be. Sure maybe on the outside but deep down? Not likely.

 

Go pursue your own happiness and find yourself somebody who appreciates you, not knocks you down to feel better about themselves.