fiskadoro Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 About two months ago I met a woman on an architectural tour here and we exchanged a few texts. I invited her out but both times she turned me down - politely but with no offers of alternative days. I didn't hear from her when she returned from her camping trip, so I decided to archive her, put a fork in myself as well, and move on. Lo and gloriously behold she sent me a message last night. Perhaps out of boredom, or she was stuck on the subway, who knows, but! So after a few texts I asked her out, again. She said she was good for Friday but when I suggested a jazz bar about 30 minutes by subway from her house, she said it was too far. I then suggested a place less than 10 minutes by Uber from her place, and she told me we would "talk about it" today. I get it that we don't know each other and maybe she is worried about being out late, but we live in Chicago. She has made no effort to find out what area is convenient for me, just seems to think about her own convenience. For the record, I live far from downtown and neither of the places I suggested are near me, but they are great bars to talk and in safe areas, one of them is a Chicago "icon" so I am sure she knows it.
d0nnivain Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 City folks are odd. They like their neighborhoods & not much else. I can't speak for Chicago but I know in NYC if you suggested that somebody go 10 miles to meet you they would cry that you were long distance where as to the rest of America 10 miles is nothing. She's probably just a City Girl in that sense. Go on this 1st date wherever she suggests (within reason price-wise of course). After 2-3 dates then you can renegotiate the geography. If she's unwilling to compromise at that point, after she's more comfortable with you, then you know she's not a good candidate for a relationship because she's too rigid. 2
PRW Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 She is not totally comfortable with you. Most women are not keen on the idea of their body being found under a bush in Millennium Park the next morning. They generally want to stay fairly close to home while also not so close that you can figure out where they live exactly. It is a safety thing. Women live in fear, men generally don't The fact that she turned you down the first two times and did not engage in any additional chit-chat or "catching up" indicates that her attraction level for you is not that high. However she did agree to a potential date the third time but without specifics and saying that you would "talk about it" means she is at least considering you,...but cautiously. You can follow though, but keep these things in mind. However you would be much better off focusing on someone who shows a much higher attraction level from the very beginning. Your offer, your pursuit, should always be a response to the initial attraction that you see coming from her, it should never be done "cold". It would save you a lot of stress, and her as well. Women show interest/attraction... Men recognize the interest and make an offer... Women choose from their various offers received... Men accept the woman's choice... That is the way it works. You can't change it. Learn to work it to your advantage by only offering to those who show initial interest. 3
PRW Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 I can't speak for Chicago but I know in NYC... I am "within range" of Chicago (I'm down state ILL) and have on occasion tossed my bike on the train and went there and rode around the downtown area and along the lake/beach. My "take" on her behavor is somewhat based on what I know of the city. Chicago is the murder capital of the US right now,...surpassed only recently by London. I think a big part of her behavor is fear for safety with the second thing being her attraction level for the guy just isn't that high. Some people (maybe a lot) living in the downtown area don't have a car and completely depend on public trans, and the public trans in Chicago is not nearly as mature or complete as it is in NYC. So that plays a big role in how far she wants to go. While in NYC I felt safe pretty much going anywhere by subway or bus (and could pretty much get anywhere using it), but in Chicago I was even told by Transit employees themselves to not take the train through certain areas,...and that was midday on a Saturday around 10am. They said use the buses for those areas, and it wasn't that far from the center of downtown that is considered more safe. In places it actually comes down to literally what side of the street you are on. Anyway, she probably knows these things,...and much better than I would. 1
alphamale Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 for the first date it is common behavior for the man to make it convenient geography-wise for the woman. let her choose the location. she will feel more comfortable and safer. this will increase the likelihood that the first date will have a positive outcome. 1
clia Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 I used to live in Chicago and would not have taken a 30 minute subway ride for a first date. However a 10 minute Uber/taxi is no big deal since that's essentially going to the next neighborhood over. I will say that when my husband and I had our first date (in Chicago) he chose a place three blocks from my place and that impressed me a lot that he made it so convenient for me. All of that said, she doesn't sound very interested in going out with you. 2
Saracena Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 Most women are not keen on the idea of their body being found under a bush in Millennium Park the next morning. . LOL. Completely agree with the rest of your post regarding this girl's interest level. Spot on. Of course it's also possible she was seeing someone else at the time and for this reason declined his offer of a date first time round. 2
Ruby Slippers Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 If the man doesn't offer to come to my neighborhood for the first meet/date, I decline and delete him.
Larry56 Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 You were right in your first post. She was bored. But some do that when they know a guy will give them some energy/attention. I would let this one go.
soyou Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 For first dates, I always take guys to bars 2 minute-walk away from my house. Anything more than that is too far for me
kendahke Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 About two months ago I met a woman on an architectural tour here and we exchanged a few texts. I invited her out but both times she turned me down - politely but with no offers of alternative days. when I suggested a jazz bar about 30 minutes by subway from her house, she said it was too far. I then suggested a place less than 10 minutes by Uber from her place, and she told me we would "talk about it" today. She has made no effort to find out what area is convenient for me, I'm failing to see why you're even arsing yourself. She's too busy sitting back playing princess who can't arse herself to call a freakin' Uber---that means she's really not all that interested in seeing you again. You're good enough to be her talk/text buddy, but that's pretty much it from what you've written. I'd leave her alone---like block her. She's playing games. 1
Syre17 Posted September 16, 2018 Posted September 16, 2018 I’d next her. She sounds very wishy washy to me for starters. Her response to you that “we’ll talk tomorrow” is vague and ambiguous at best. I live in California and where I’m at, a 30 or 45 minute drive for a date isn’t given a second thought by either party. She’s putting in minimal effort and I think minimal effort now means minimal effort in the long run. Seems like she’s having you jump through way too many hoops. You’d prob see tons of posts from her on social media roaming the town at night...with her going a greater distance for social outings...just sayin.
PRW Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 LOL. Completely agree with the rest of your post regarding this girl's interest level. Spot on. Of course it's also possible she was seeing someone else at the time and for this reason declined his offer of a date first time round. Very likely both are true at the same time.
Philosopher Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 For me, if it was a case of just either putting off the date or only agreeing to a date in an area convenient for her I would go on the date, though likely my expectations would not be that high. However both putting off the date and only agreeing the date at a location convenient to her would indicate a very low level of interest. Therefore in this situation I would give the date a miss.
Inspiteofrselves Posted September 17, 2018 Posted September 17, 2018 (edited) I do this often to any man (love interests/potential friends/business partners) who I do not know well if the meeting is after 7PM. It is 100% a safety issue. It is not an insult to the person whatsoever. I want to be able to walk home and run into my neighbors if something uncomfortable happens. There have been several instances where this decision spared me what could have been an extremely damaging situation. I am happy to travel anywhere within reason during the afternoon however. Once I know and feel comfortable with the person, meeting them within an hour of my home is absolutely no problem if scheduled in advance. Don't shade this girl. She may just be smart, practical and self respecting. If you hit it off and she won't compromise months in, then shade her all you like. Edited September 17, 2018 by Inspiteofrselves 1
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