Spoke with my Ex after a YEAR

[jjb117]

And let me tell you, it felt good to hear from her again.

 

We spoke for nearly 3 hours over the phone, catching up over lost time. Like most (if not all) of our conversations, it was genuine. We spoke about the good, the bad, and everything in between. And once the conversation ended, I couldn’t help but smile. What was once an impossibility, became reality: a friendship rose from the ashes.

 

Though it may be a consolation prize to some, it definitely is not for me. It’s almost like proof that I’ve moved on. And to know that I’m happy with where I’m at, and for her to say the same thing only makes it better. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to this place. When the breakup happened, I blocked her from everything. I had to, it was too painful at the time. But now, the pain seems foreign to me. I can only look back with fondness, knowing I was truly happy during that time in my life, and that I was able to embrace what love is.

 

The reason why I’m posting this is because I’d like to know some of your opinions of being friends with an ex. And if you were able to do it, what was that like?

[GoreSP]

I’m not close or in regular contact with any of my exes. That being said I’d probably be happy to go for coffee and catch up with most of them if my boyfriend is comfortable with it.

 

Friendship with exes is standing on a boundary. It has caused many problems in new relationships, sometimes justified.

Be ready to have to decide between the new relationship and the friendship with the ex.

[ThreeRainbows]

And let me tell you, it felt good to hear from her again.

 

We spoke for nearly 3 hours over the phone, catching up over lost time. Like most (if not all) of our conversations, it was genuine. We spoke about the good, the bad, and everything in between. And once the conversation ended, I couldn’t help but smile. What was once an impossibility, became reality: a friendship rose from the ashes.

 

Though it may be a consolation prize to some, it definitely is not for me. It’s almost like proof that I’ve moved on. And to know that I’m happy with where I’m at, and for her to say the same thing only makes it better. I wasn’t sure I’d ever get to this place. When the breakup happened, I blocked her from everything. I had to, it was too painful at the time. But now, the pain seems foreign to me. I can only look back with fondness, knowing I was truly happy during that time in my life, and that I was able to embrace what love is.

 

The reason why I’m posting this is because I’d like to know some of your opinions of being friends with an ex. And if you were able to do it, what was that like?

 

 

Are you remotely interested in getting back together with her?

 

 

A year is enough time for serious changes to take place. If yes, then you could look at the friendship as a temporary avenue to see if a relationship is desirable/compatible for both of you.

 

 

If you're just thinking friends-only, I would not, because you don't really "need" her as a friend, do you?

 

 

 

Who contacted who?

[BC1980]

I've never been friends with an ex. I've had friendly conversations with exes over the years, but I've never actually been friends with them. Only one of my exes even lives near me. I don't dislike any of them, but I can't renegotiate a friendship with a person that I was romantically involved with.

[jjb117]

I’m not close or in regular contact with any of my exes. That being said I’d probably be happy to go for coffee and catch up with most of them if my boyfriend is comfortable with it.

 

Friendship with exes is standing on a boundary. It has caused many problems in new relationships, sometimes justified.

Be ready to have to decide between the new relationship and the friendship with the ex.

 

That’s always a tricky situation. I personally am single but if my future girlfriend were to insist on limiting communication with my ex, I’d probably listen.

 

Mainly because I wouldn’t do something that I know would hurt my girlfriend. But I’m sure my ex would understand.

[Standard-Fare]

I don't know anything about your history with this woman, but I'd encourage you to check yourself honestly on your deeper feelings and intentions here.

 

I say this because there's a sense of elation coming from your post that suggests this reunion is more emotionally charged than it should be. A three-hour talk is a lot, and it got you musing with nostalgic thoughts about the "real love" you two shared.

 

A good test is considering: How would you feel if you were sharing the same room with this woman, along with her current partner (whether or not he exists in reality), and you saw the two of them being physically affectionate? Would it feel like a dagger? Would you need to get up and leave? Or would you really and truly be ok witnessing that without feeling any pangs of jealousy or betrayal?

 

Another test: The two of you meet up in person, maybe some drinks are had... the night tapers down. At the end, are you truly ok with walking off your separate ways, even if you know her destination is another man's bed?

 

Friendship is only possible when there's an absolutely firm sense of closure on the breakup, and no lingering specks of romantic attachment. Be 100 percent sure you are in that place with this woman, or you'll be putting yourself in a real danger zone where you could lose all your progress from the past year.

[jjb117]

Are you remotely interested in getting back together with her?

 

 

A year is enough time for serious changes to take place. If yes, then you could look at the friendship as a temporary avenue to see if a relationship is desirable/compatible for both of you.

 

 

If you're just thinking friends-only, I would not, because you don't really "need" her as a friend, do you?

 

 

 

Who contacted who?

 

So I actually reached out over the summer, and we spoke on the phone for 30ish minutes. It wasn’t up until she texted me earlier this month asking if I was back in school. Which then eventually led up to a long phone conversation.

 

I actually don’t want to get back together. We spoke about it and she agrees - she’s very difficult. And I have no desire to put in an extreme amount of effort to continue a relationship.

 

But it’s also worth mentioning that she’s in a relationship with someone else right now. And though I’ve never met the other person, I can only they are better together (since they’ve been together longer).

 

I will always love my ex, that’s a given, but we’re headed in two different paths. I’m going to work back at home in Chicago and she’s going to med school in either the east or west coast. And considering we broke up due to long distance, it seems nonsensical to “try again”

[jjb117]

I've never been friends with an ex. I've had friendly conversations with exes over the years, but I've never actually been friends with them. Only one of my exes even lives near me. I don't dislike any of them, but I can't renegotiate a friendship with a person that I was romantically involved with.

 

She’s the only person I’ve had a relationship with, but I’ve had numerous “flings” that have lasted for a while. And come to think of it, I don’t keep in touch with most of them. Not because there is any bad blood between us, but it would seem weird to start something like friendship, when we were never friends to begin with.

 

So I understand what you’re saying.

[jjb117]

I don't know anything about your history with this woman, but I'd encourage you to check yourself honestly on your deeper feelings and intentions here.

 

I say this because there's a sense of elation coming from your post that suggests this reunion is more emotionally charged than it should be. A three-hour talk is a lot, and it got you musing with nostalgic thoughts about the "real love" you two shared.

 

A good test is considering: How would you feel if you were sharing the same room with this woman, along with her current partner (whether or not he exists in reality), and you saw the two of them being physically affectionate? Would it feel like a dagger? Would you need to get up and leave? Or would you really and truly be ok witnessing that without feeling any pangs of jealousy or betrayal?

 

Another test: The two of you meet up in person, maybe some drinks are had... the night tapers down. At the end, are you truly ok with walking off your separate ways, even if you know her destination is another man's bed?

 

Friendship is only possible when there's an absolutely firm sense of closure on the breakup, and no lingering specks of romantic attachment. Be 100 percent sure you are in that place with this woman, or you'll be putting yourself in a real danger zone where you could lose all your progress from the past year.

 

I guess those are tests I haven’t thought about. The closest I’ve ever gone to test 1 was when I saw a photo of them together hugging and laughing, and my initial reaction was to smile. I was actually happy for her. Which was weird because beforehand, those same pictures brought me to utter tears.

 

But a big component to all of this is that I have yet to see her in person. So I can’t say for sure how it’ll affect me.

 

I’ve kept my distance since then, haven’t communicated with her at all since that day (the 4th) mainly because I don’t want to trap myself like you said. I’ve come so far, like you have no idea. But I feel like I’m ready to take this next step. A new chapter. Friendship.

[Gretchen12]

I think being friends with the ex is not uncommon for older people who had children together. The marriage may last only 3 years, but because of the child, after divorce they interact as friends for at least the next 20 years. Likely they have remarried, and it's not a cöose friendship (definitely not talking every day). It's not that weird.

[frigginlost]

So I actually reached out over the summer, and we spoke on the phone for 30ish minutes. It wasn’t up until she texted me earlier this month asking if I was back in school. Which then eventually led up to a long phone conversation.

 

I actually don’t want to get back together. We spoke about it and she agrees - she’s very difficult. And I have no desire to put in an extreme amount of effort to continue a relationship.

 

But it’s also worth mentioning that she’s in a relationship with someone else right now. And though I’ve never met the other person, I can only they are better together (since they’ve been together longer).

 

I will always love my ex, that’s a given, but we’re headed in two different paths. I’m going to work back at home in Chicago and she’s going to med school in either the east or west coast. And considering we broke up due to long distance, it seems nonsensical to “try again”

 

Wait. What? She's in a relationship with someone and she's talking about what it would be like to rekindle with you (even though you both agree on it not happening)?

 

Yeah, if I was her current boyfriend I would be mega pi$$ed off and would probably have a real quick "talk with him again, and I'm gonna make things easy for you, see ya later" chat with her.

 

You're not being honest with yourself. You took another hit off the crack pipe and you're feeling good about a "friendship".

 

Let's see if you feel the same way a month from now.

 

P.S. If either of you reaches out to each other in the next month or so, you've got bad things headed your way...

[Standard-Fare]

You know what, the hard truth for most breakups is this:

 

Once you have truly "moved on," you really don't have much interest in seeing them or engaging with them anymore.

 

Either your emotions are so deadened to each other that you have no further contact—and you're both ok with that—or you're friends on a detached level, i.e. well-wishes on birthdays, "likes" on social media, and maybe some limited in-person interactions.

 

The person is more a part of your past, as opposed to a significant feature of your current life. They no longer generate any excitement for you, or swirling high-level emotions.

 

Yes, there are exceptions to this rule, but not many.

 

OP, you're not there yet. It's great that you had that positive exchange with her, and time to catch up, but be careful about plunging headfirst into any meaningful friendship with her right now.

[OatsAndHall]

I can't say I would be a terribly happy camper if I were this woman's boyfriend. But, then again, I make it known that an ex in the picture means I'm out of the picture early on.

[Ralph79]

I can't say I would be a terribly happy camper if I were this woman's boyfriend. But, then again, I make it known that an ex in the picture means I'm out of the picture early on.

 

Couldn't agree more.

 

An Ex, unless there are children involved, is just unnecessary baggage to a current/future relationship. There might be justifiable causes to stay friends and to believe that the relationship will never be rekindled, but the vast majority of potential partners won't understand the situation the way one would.

 

If I were to encounter my Ex out of the blue, for the sake of civility & cordiality I would ask about her parents, her siblings and leave it at that. I really have no interest in finding out anything about her. Nor do I have any need to put my family on display for ego's sake.

 

More importantly, for me it is a sign of respect towards your current partner to keep your Ex at bay. Physically, emotionally & mentally.

[basil67]

I think it depends on the degree of friendship. Close friends is too much and would create problems in the new relationships. However, very casual friends - the type where you might catch up or text once every blue moon is probably more feasable.

[Haru-no-yuki]

I think it's perfectly fine. My wife is friends with all her exes bar one and I have no problem with it whatsoever.

 

On the other hand all my exes don't want to be in contact with me because their new boyfriends didn't like it. Seems like a lack of confidence from my perspective...