How Much Should You Communicate When First Dating?

[preraph]

To clarify, I am younger so my generation consists more of texting. Also, I do not expect him to text me all day every day, I am just wondering what is the "norm". I would not want him to text me every day, but every other day seems reasonable just to make small talk and end the conversation shortly. I SO prefer calls over texting. Even if its just to say a hi!

 

I feel this guy backing away in texts, so I just feel a little wary about it. I feel if a guy is interested in you, he'll keep coming your way and text you more than two to three times a week.

 

If a guy is interested in you, he will keep asking you out. Pay attention to if he keeps wanting to SEE you rather than text you because for one thing, there are a whole lot of guys who will just text and see if they can get sexting going so they never have to leave the house, or they just text when they want sex. When you're talking about new interests you meet online, of course, they may text you to death and then you find out they're married or taken and just cheating. They can text more than anything else like getting together.

 

So to me, bottom line is how often does he ask to SEE you and spend time with you, and do just keep texting short so you have something left to talk about in person.

 

Saw your post that you know he's still trying to date other women. But why wouldn't he be? It's too early for you guys to be talking about being exclusive and you should discreetly (unlike him) date other guys too. I agree he probably was put off that you are not moving towards sex as fast as he'd like, but I'm not telling you to move faster, but agree with D0nnivain not to sleep over there because they HAVE to try and get rejected if you do that. It makes them mad and is confusing. But wait as long as you want and just know a lot of guys will not wait, but that says something anyway.

Edited September 13, 2018 by preraph

[Versacehottie]

So even if you really like a girl, youll stick to texting her once a week? I feel like a girl needs a little more than that to show you're interested.

 

Guy A hates me by now probably. I went after his brothers friend when I felt like he wasn't showing much interest. He did text me Tuesday to wish me a happy new year but didn't ask me to hang out and left my text hanging. Have not heard from him since.

 

I like what you said about guy B. Well I left out a tiny detail, and it was that last thursday night I brought my friends around and he swiped one of them right the next morning on a dating app. I called and confronted him about it, and he was very apologetic and claimed he didnt know her. Fishy, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And since then hes been sort of quiet.

 

I do suspect he is dating other girls, he is on the app and I do see him following quite a handful of girls on instagram.

 

Should I just see these as red flags and move on? I really did like him and laughed with him a lot and felt like we had fun chemistry.

 

Ok i think that's a big detail or has significant bearing on your situation. If his behavior is different than it was or was trending, what could have been the reason? I think it was when you "confronted" (probably need a specific explanation of "confronted him") about dating others or swiping on others. (sure i get you, not cool that it was someone in your friend group). However, a lot of guys, yes even good & interested guys, get scared off by behavior at the beginning that presumes a closer connection or more obligation than they are already committed to. My guy friend and I were just talking about this yesterday and he had very funny stories of "too soon-ness" from girls.

 

I think you have to look at it like this: until he is committed to someone, or you, he is probably going to do those things or certainly doesn't want to be reprimanded for doing them. It doesn't matter how he acted in the moment when you confronted him. That was probably a knee jerk reaction to what you said & caught him off guard. He probably placated you in the moment (so that he could still date you/have the option to date you) and afterwards processed how it made him feel, what you really meant or were implying with that confrontation, etc. Even if he interpreted it incorrectly (i.e. you didn't like it that he went after a mutual friend but he took it to mean you don't want him dating others). Anyway guys can be really touchy about this stuff.

 

Not telling you to not be who you are or ask for what you need but you may suffer unintended consequences if you confront when not in a committed relationship, especially if guy is 25, I'm thinking--because he may get a feeling of being trapped. For the way you have described your dating situation, I'd say that's a very possible reason he is backing off. Beginning is supposed to be fun and not make you feel obligated and tied down. This is supposed to be stuff he WANTS to do, i.e. see you. Anyway i don't think you guys are there yet to make this sort of confrontation or request which might be why he's been quiet and backing off.

 

BTW, at the beginning I think lots of people have loose ends (people they are dating casually, crushes, apps whatever), you gotta find a way to be the one he wants and is chasing--not the other way around really. Accept that for a lot of people it just is the way dating is until committed to someone (that they will have this situations). I believe you can somewhat quickly get to being committed but it's key to not assume that you are or fault the other person for not respecting a commitment they haven't made yet. Good luck

[alphamale]

Personally I prefer:

 

Text: touch base 3-7 days a week (so every day or every 2nd day approx)

Call: take it or leave it

See each other: once a week when early dating, then step it up to 2-3 times a week

 

I do advise to relax and live your life, but at the same time trust your gut. If you suspect he aint interested or aint making an effort, cya!

 

this I agree with

[jjb117]

So even if you really like a girl, youll stick to texting her once a week? I feel like a girl needs a little more than that to show you're interested.

 

Guy A hates me by now probably. I went after his brothers friend when I felt like he wasn't showing much interest. He did text me Tuesday to wish me a happy new year but didn't ask me to hang out and left my text hanging. Have not heard from him since.

 

I like what you said about guy B. Well I left out a tiny detail, and it was that last thursday night I brought my friends around and he swiped one of them right the next morning on a dating app. I called and confronted him about it, and he was very apologetic and claimed he didnt know her. Fishy, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And since then hes been sort of quiet.

 

I do suspect he is dating other girls, he is on the app and I do see him following quite a handful of girls on instagram.

 

Should I just see these as red flags and move on? I really did like him and laughed with him a lot and felt like we had fun chemistry.

 

Yeah it seems bizarre but yes, I’d hold myself back even if I was interested. Personally I do it because it takes time for me to like someone, but if I really like you,I will eventually show it. And it’ll be blatantly obvious. But at that point, we’ve gotten to know each other past the surface level.

 

But considering he’s still on social media apps, he still is “looking” for whatever is out there. Again, you barely know each other, so you can’t blame him (just yet) for looking at other people. It’s a crummy feeling, but unless you’ve had a talk about being exclusive, then it’s fair game.

 

But it’s all dependent on you. I for one wouldn’t continue to date someone who is dating other guys. Not that she isn’t allowed to do that, but I’m not here to “compete “ with anyone else. If I don’t take your breath away from the start, and it takes other people to mess up for you to realize my worth, then maybe that person isn’t worth my time. It’s cold, rigid, but it takes away all the drama.

 

If I remember correctly, you just came out of a long term relationship? Yeah, so I understand. When I came out of mine, it frustrated me that I couldn’t “find” someone else. I questioned whether something was wrong with me, I questioned who I was dating, I essentially was killing myself mentally. Up until I realized that finding a partner shouldn’t be easy. Just like with finding true best friends. You can meet a ton of people, but only a select few is who you’ll connect with at a deeper level. That’s what makes them & the relationship even more special.

[dancingintherain12]

Ok i think that's a big detail or has significant bearing on your situation. If his behavior is different than it was or was trending, what could have been the reason? I think it was when you "confronted" (probably need a specific explanation of "confronted him") about dating others or swiping on others. (sure i get you, not cool that it was someone in your friend group). However, a lot of guys, yes even good & interested guys, get scared off by behavior at the beginning that presumes a closer connection or more obligation than they are already committed to. My guy friend and I were just talking about this yesterday and he had very funny stories of "too soon-ness" from girls.

 

I think you have to look at it like this: until he is committed to someone, or you, he is probably going to do those things or certainly doesn't want to be reprimanded for doing them. It doesn't matter how he acted in the moment when you confronted him. That was probably a knee jerk reaction to what you said & caught him off guard. He probably placated you in the moment (so that he could still date you/have the option to date you) and afterwards processed how it made him feel, what you really meant or were implying with that confrontation, etc. Even if he interpreted it incorrectly (i.e. you didn't like it that he went after a mutual friend but he took it to mean you don't want him dating others). Anyway guys can be really touchy about this stuff.

 

Not telling you to not be who you are or ask for what you need but you may suffer unintended consequences if you confront when not in a committed relationship, especially if guy is 25, I'm thinking--because he may get a feeling of being trapped. For the way you have described your dating situation, I'd say that's a very possible reason he is backing off. Beginning is supposed to be fun and not make you feel obligated and tied down. This is supposed to be stuff he WANTS to do, i.e. see you. Anyway i don't think you guys are there yet to make this sort of confrontation or request which might be why he's been quiet and backing off.

 

BTW, at the beginning I think lots of people have loose ends (people they are dating casually, crushes, apps whatever), you gotta find a way to be the one he wants and is chasing--not the other way around really. Accept that for a lot of people it just is the way dating is until committed to someone (that they will have this situations). I believe you can somewhat quickly get to being committed but it's key to not assume that you are or fault the other person for not respecting a commitment they haven't made yet. Good luck

 

 

Thank you and everyone else for the advice. Whoever is reading this, I hope you can answer me. I feel really bad that both these guys are only texting me and wanting to see me here and there, because I do genuinely like them. I just feel like seeing each other once a week isn't enough for me imo. I was annoyed he swiped someone in my friend group. He's free to do whatever he wants with people I didn't introduce him to. I just thought it was disrespectful. Anyways, I haven't heard from GUY b. so safe to say I turned him off and I dont know how to fix it. Anywho, I just feel like lately, which ever guy I date, theyre super chill about seeing me once a week, or once every two weeks. I want to build a relationship with someone and I feel like they should be very persistent and into you from the beginning. Do I say something and say it was nice getting to know you, but I would like to see you more because I want to build something with you, or should I just ignore them?

[guest569]

Thank you and everyone else for the advice. Whoever is reading this, I hope you can answer me. I feel really bad that both these guys are only texting me and wanting to see me here and there, because I do genuinely like them. I just feel like seeing each other once a week isn't enough for me imo. I was annoyed he swiped someone in my friend group. He's free to do whatever he wants with people I didn't introduce him to. I just thought it was disrespectful. Anyways, I haven't heard from GUY b. so safe to say I turned him off and I dont know how to fix it. Anywho, I just feel like lately, which ever guy I date, theyre super chill about seeing me once a week, or once every two weeks. I want to build a relationship with someone and I feel like they should be very persistent and into you from the beginning. Do I say something and say it was nice getting to know you, but I would like to see you more because I want to build something with you, or should I just ignore them?

 

I'm a bit lost (illiterate) here. Is Guy A still in the picture? Or are you talking in general terms?

 

How many times per week would you need to see your date?

 

Do you have a lot of free time? I would find it difficult to see a guy more than once or twice a week - until things progress and we start having sleepovers and living together. I need time to work, sleep, exercise, clean the house.. then I will make time for a date (along with friends and family)! If I start ditching those priorities then I get caught up in the romance and lose myself.

 

 

It’s a bit strange to me that you chosed to date b-guy because you think he seemed more interested. A better approach would be to date whomever You think are more interesting.

 

This is a really good point. It seems like you're just waiting to find a guy who is super keen and will give you lots of attention, rather than seeking out someone that you want, with the qualities that you need/seek in a partner. I think you should take a more active approach next time, rather than wait and see who texts the most or sets up a tonne of dates.

[dancingintherain12]

I'm a bit lost (illiterate) here. Is Guy A still in the picture? Or are you talking in general terms?

 

How many times per week would you need to see your date?

 

Do you have a lot of free time? I would find it difficult to see a guy more than once or twice a week - until things progress and we start having sleepovers and living together. I need time to work, sleep, exercise, clean the house.. then I will make time for a date (along with friends and family)! If I start ditching those priorities then I get caught up in the romance and lose myself.

 

 

 

 

This is a really good point. It seems like you're just waiting to find a guy who is super keen and will give you lots of attention, rather than seeking out someone that you want, with the qualities that you need/seek in a partner. I think you should take a more active approach next time, rather than wait and see who texts the most or sets up a tonne of dates.

 

youre right. the thing is, i dont know them well enough to know who to pick ! and since they are sort of in the same friend group i dont want to ruin my reputation either...

is it bad to text them first myself and ask to hang out?

 

 

guy a : texts me once a week to make plans, started drifting a bit , but we also slept together

guy b: did not sleep together, was super into me, and drifted away a lot this week.

 

i like that with guy a, he seems sweeter and i spent more time with him but i dont know what he wants. he always brings me around his friends too. i want to get one on one time with him

 

guy b: only hung out a couple times, hes fiesty and funny and i can joke around with him more but i havent heard from him he said he might go away to wisconsin and if he doesn't he will be free to hang out, but he ended up going out of town and didnt let me know.

[Syre17]

I’m a guy, and I’d say just reply and engage a reciprocal amount.

 

I’ve avtually been turned off and moved on early a few times when I was getting too infrequent a reply, or habitual two and three word responses. IMO, if a person isn’t willing to put in some effort in the early stages, why should I think it will be any better down the road after the “honeymoon” stage and early relationship bliss wears off!?!?

 

The last gal I dated would take forever to reply sometimes. Then, after we had dated a while, she admitted to purposely waiting to reply. That’s playing games and is BS when I’m 48 and so is she. We’re not in high school here... I moved on from her (for other reasons) but looking back, that was a red flag IMO.