How Much Should You Communicate When First Dating?

[dancingintherain12]

I got out of a relationship about a year ago and have been putting myself out there more. I feel like I am finally ready to find love and settle down with somebody / find a boyfriend.

 

I was dating this one guy, he would text me once a week to make plans and that was it.

 

Now, his brother's friend actually messaged me and was super persistent with me. He would text me and show more interest, so I kinda ditched guy A and decided to go for guy b.

 

Now with guy b, he was texting me almost every day or every other day and we have hung out about 3 times.

 

Ever since we went out last week, in a group setting, hes been more quiet. Saturday that just passed, he asked me what I'm doing this week, and I told him no set plans, how about you?

 

I heard NOTHING back for 3 days, so I decided to text him saying happy jewish new year.

 

He asked me for my plans this week/weekend and said he will be around if he doesn't go away on Thursday, and if he does, he will be around saturday.

He said he'd let me know and I said ok and that was basically it.

 

I didn't hear from him today, and tomorrow is thursday.

 

Is there a correlation between how much a guy texts you and his level of interest?

 

I expect a guy to text me at least every other day... But I also know hes on dating apps, following girls on instagram, so he clearly has his options open. Am i over thinking things? LOL I know I probably sound crazy but I really do just want to find love. With my ex, he was obsessed with me, texting me every day and would make plans 3x a week.

[alphamale]

guy b is playing games, cease contact

[dancingintherain12]

guy b is playing games, cease contact

 

what makes you say that?

[Gaeta]

The 3 times you went out together did he make the plans and paid? If yes then he's waiting for you to reciprocate. I think it's time you invite him out on a date, your treat. Also, do you initiate communication or you let him do that as well?

 

 

 

He might be online browsing because you have not come across as THAT interested.

[preraph]

You shouldn't judge someone by how little they text. A person with a busy job and busy life won't have a lot of time for chatting via text and everyone always says "It only takes a minute." Well, not everyone is even allowed to use their phone at work. My part-time job, others are not allowed except on break and I am allowed because I told him when I applied years ago that I'd have to check email since I have clients for my other job. I don't abuse it. To me, a person who doesn't want to devote a lot of time to texting is the better deal. Does that mean they wait a week to text you back? No.

 

My philosophy is if you text someone telling them everything, what on earth will you have left to talk about that you haven't already told him when you go out the next time?

 

The more important issue may be WHAT do you communicate with them about. In early stages, it's best to just talk about the basics and common interests, searching for common ground. Do NOT spill your guts or go on about how bad your love life has been or how hurt you've been or any of that baggage. People just want to have fun and see if you're a fun person. If you're just a down person instead on the date, no one is going to want to go out with you again.

[Lotsgoingon]

I see no mention of you and guy b having an exclusive relationship.

 

Unless that element is agreed upon, he has a right to date whoever he wants--whenever he wants.

 

If you're having sex three times a week with this guy (I can't tell) ... without an exclusive commitment, there would be a long long line of guys who are willing to go along with that arrangement.

 

So let's get blunt here:

 

Are you guys having sex?

 

If yes, then how many times a week?

 

Have you had any talks about being exclusive.

 

Do you want to be exclusive?

 

Just so you know, I don't think I ever been consistently and frequently in contact with and available for someone who I didn't have a commitment with.

[damni]

what makes you say that?

 

If a man into you then he will be contacting you and asking you out regularly. The way your ex acted, was how a man acts when he likes a girl.

 

Don't waste your time with men A and B, never chase a man and learn to cut your losses with men who place you as meh girl.

[dancingintherain12]

I see no mention of you and guy b having an exclusive relationship.

 

Unless that element is agreed upon, he has a right to date whoever he wants--whenever he wants.

 

If you're having sex three times a week with this guy (I can't tell) ... without an exclusive commitment, there would be a long long line of guys who are willing to go along with that arrangement.

 

So let's get blunt here:

 

Are you guys having sex?

 

If yes, then how many times a week?

 

Have you had any talks about being exclusive.

 

Do you want to be exclusive?

 

Just so you know, I don't think I ever been consistently and frequently in contact with and available for someone who I didn't have a commitment with.

 

We hung out only 4 times. Once was at a party,

second time was with my friend and his. Then I went back to his place, slept over. No sex.

 

third time was when he invited me over to his beach house with all his friends over labor day weekend, I slept over. No sex.

 

Fourth time was in another group setting, went back to his place and hung out for a couple hours. No sex.

 

He said on the first time we hung out he wants something serious, but who knows.. I feel like guys say that to get in your pants lol. Hes young , 25 years old

[dancingintherain12]

The 3 times you went out together did he make the plans and paid? If yes then he's waiting for you to reciprocate. I think it's time you invite him out on a date, your treat. Also, do you initiate communication or you let him do that as well?

 

 

 

He might be online browsing because you have not come across as THAT interested.

 

Sorry guys, we haven't necessarily "dated" yet but we have kissed, made out, etc and he has tried to make plans for date many many times while I was dating guy A but I kept flaking until I stopped seeing guy A.

 

We have kept it casual, more like a group setting. No sex. He has paid for my uber back home once and taken me to get drinks one on one when our friends were on the other side of the longue.

[dancingintherain12]

You shouldn't judge someone by how little they text. A person with a busy job and busy life won't have a lot of time for chatting via text and everyone always says "It only takes a minute." Well, not everyone is even allowed to use their phone at work. My part-time job, others are not allowed except on break and I am allowed because I told him when I applied years ago that I'd have to check email since I have clients for my other job. I don't abuse it. To me, a person who doesn't want to devote a lot of time to texting is the better deal. Does that mean they wait a week to text you back? No.

 

My philosophy is if you text someone telling them everything, what on earth will you have left to talk about that you haven't already told him when you go out the next time?

 

The more important issue may be WHAT do you communicate with them about. In early stages, it's best to just talk about the basics and common interests, searching for common ground. Do NOT spill your guts or go on about how bad your love life has been or how hurt you've been or any of that baggage. People just want to have fun and see if you're a fun person. If you're just a down person instead on the date, no one is going to want to go out with you again.

 

 

I see. Well I know he is allowed to use his phone at work, he has snap chatted me and texted me in the past when he is at work. We talk about basics, common interests, joke around, make out, etc. He said he really likes me, enjoys my "weirdness" and thinks I'm cute.

 

I am a very attractive lady and have a lot to offer and have a great personality so I'm just not sure if im being insecure or what. Getting mixed messages in this group.

 

So what is normal?

Once a week? Twice? Every other day?

[greymatter]

There is no normal. Some will tell you that you have to have contact ___ times per week or things won't work. You have to think for yourself and determine what your needs are for communication, and whether the person you are dating is meeting your needs. That is something that you can either tell right away in the beginning i.e. it either isn't working, or it is and you want to keep dating them. If you think you have something great with someone, you take the time to get to know them and see how communications develops between the two of you, and whether it meets your needs, and the other person's.

 

Edited to say: You will know when someone is truly interested because they will show you. You need to show them also, it goes both ways.

[preraph]

I don't think there is a normal. Seems like the younger you are the more you text, which has a lot to do with you not being that busy keeping life going and having time to text.

Here on Love Shack, you constantly see people complaining someone doesn't text them all day, and then you see people complaining someone text them too much or expect them to text too much. I guess as with most things, moderation is best. and always keep in mind that texting is one of the worst forms of communication. You'll get closer to someone with a phone call or in person. like I said before I just don't understand why anyone would use up all their material in a text when they could be talking about it in person and reaping the benefits of that.

[guest569]

Hey, dancing in the rain - love the user name.

 

I have asked myself this often. Every time I date someone. I think its impossible to determine someone's interest level by the frequency of contact. Sometimes they text incessantly and then drift away. Other times they are once a week texters but may stay for the long haul. I think you have to judge on a case by case. In the early days I think it's best not to over think it. Keep busy and think about other areas of your life and see how it pans out.

 

I also aim for 50/50 initiating contact. Not to be mistaken with game playing, but if I am always initiating I back off in case I am pressuring him and see if he reaches out, then I know the interest is mutual.

[dancingintherain12]

I don't think there is a normal. Seems like the younger you are the more you text, which has a lot to do with you not being that busy keeping life going and having time to text.

Here on Love Shack, you constantly see people complaining someone doesn't text them all day, and then you see people complaining someone text them too much or expect them to text too much. I guess as with most things, moderation is best. and always keep in mind that texting is one of the worst forms of communication. You'll get closer to someone with a phone call or in person. like I said before I just don't understand why anyone would use up all their material in a text when they could be talking about it in person and reaping the benefits of that.

 

To clarify, I am younger so my generation consists more of texting. Also, I do not expect him to text me all day every day, I am just wondering what is the "norm". I would not want him to text me every day, but every other day seems reasonable just to make small talk and end the conversation shortly. I SO prefer calls over texting. Even if its just to say a hi!

 

I feel this guy backing away in texts, so I just feel a little wary about it. I feel if a guy is interested in you, he'll keep coming your way and text you more than two to three times a week.

[dancingintherain12]

Hey, dancing in the rain - love the user name.

 

I have asked myself this often. Every time I date someone. I think its impossible to determine someone's interest level by the frequency of contact. Sometimes they text incessantly and then drift away. Other times they are once a week texters but may stay for the long haul. I think you have to judge on a case by case. In the early days I think it's best not to over think it. Keep busy and think about other areas of your life and see how it pans out.

 

I also aim for 50/50 initiating contact. Not to be mistaken with game playing, but if I am always initiating I back off in case I am pressuring him and see if he reaches out, then I know the interest is mutual.

 

Doesn't the waiting game suck sometimes lol!! With my ex it was so easy, I didn't even have to think if he was interested and I loved it. But then again, I was younger with less priorities so I guess people are always changing their needs and wants. He said he would possibly away tomorrow, and would let me know. This was yesterday. So far, I haven't heard from him if hes doing that last minute trip or not. And since its the night before, I feel like its common courtsey to just let me know. Ill try my best not to over think it! I just miss when things used to be a little bit more natural and I dont have to go through this guessing game

[jjb117]

For me, I’ve always been slow at communicating in the beginning. Probably like guy A. Not that I don’t care, not that I don’t want to put myself out there but we’re both strangers, and if I’m going to get to know you, I want to do it in person.

 

Guy B seems like someone who is triggered by emotion. So his interest level will fluctuate at the extremes. But yes, I’d like to think after a few dates, if a guy isn’t increasing his interest, then he’s most likely either seeing incompatibilities between you both, talking to someone new, or is busy.

[dancingintherain12]

For me, I’ve always been slow at communicating in the beginning. Probably like guy A. Not that I don’t care, not that I don’t want to put myself out there but we’re both strangers, and if I’m going to get to know you, I want to do it in person.

 

Guy B seems like someone who is triggered by emotion. So his interest level will fluctuate at the extremes. But yes, I’d like to think after a few dates, if a guy isn’t increasing his interest, then he’s most likely either seeing incompatibilities between you both, talking to someone new, or is busy.

 

So even if you really like a girl, youll stick to texting her once a week? I feel like a girl needs a little more than that to show you're interested.

 

Guy A hates me by now probably. I went after his brothers friend when I felt like he wasn't showing much interest. He did text me Tuesday to wish me a happy new year but didn't ask me to hang out and left my text hanging. Have not heard from him since.

 

I like what you said about guy B. Well I left out a tiny detail, and it was that last thursday night I brought my friends around and he swiped one of them right the next morning on a dating app. I called and confronted him about it, and he was very apologetic and claimed he didnt know her. Fishy, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And since then hes been sort of quiet.

 

I do suspect he is dating other girls, he is on the app and I do see him following quite a handful of girls on instagram.

 

Should I just see these as red flags and move on? I really did like him and laughed with him a lot and felt like we had fun chemistry.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

As whatever is comfortable for you. I like being in contact everyday, that's just me. Not obsessive though.

[guest569]

Personally I prefer:

 

Text: touch base 3-7 days a week (so every day or every 2nd day approx)

Call: take it or leave it

See each other: once a week when early dating, then step it up to 2-3 times a week

 

I do advise to relax and live your life, but at the same time trust your gut. If you suspect he aint interested or aint making an effort, cya!

[alphamale]

what makes you say that?

 

the fact that he's 25 years old

[d0nnivain]

There is no norm. There is some minor correlation between how often contact happens & the level of interest but texting is just such a throw away meaningless nothing you can't ascribe much to it.

 

Guy A was boring. Then again he may also hate texting. When he did reach out he was a man of action so that is something.

 

I think Guy B thinks you are not interested. 2 sleep-overs & no sex says something. I'm not sure what but . . . IMO -- & I'm old enough to be your mom -- don't climb in bed with a man for a sleep over if you don't intend to have sex. Just go sleep on the couch or the floor. Stop being a tease.

 

If you like Guy B you reach out to him & set up a date where you pay. If you don't care, then move on.

[MaleIntuition]

It’s a bit strange to me that you chosed to date b-guy because you think he seemed more interested. A better approach would be to date whomever You think are more interesting.

 

Popular advice to men is to “use the phone mainly to set up a date”, sounds like that was what guy A was doing. You really can’t us texting frequency to judge interest level. For example; someone might be Very interest, but might also be terrified of rejection, therefore every text would mean a possible rejection and they will be hesitant. But if they don’t really care about the outcome it’s easier for them to simply “break” all the rules.

[fred123]

So even if you really like a girl, youll stick to texting her once a week? I feel like a girl needs a little more than that to show you're interested.

 

Guy A hates me by now probably. I went after his brothers friend when I felt like he wasn't showing much interest. He did text me Tuesday to wish me a happy new year but didn't ask me to hang out and left my text hanging. Have not heard from him since.

 

I like what you said about guy B. Well I left out a tiny detail, and it was that last thursday night I brought my friends around and he swiped one of them right the next morning on a dating app. I called and confronted him about it, and he was very apologetic and claimed he didnt know her. Fishy, but I gave him the benefit of the doubt. And since then hes been sort of quiet.

 

I do suspect he is dating other girls, he is on the app and I do see him following quite a handful of girls on instagram.

 

Should I just see these as red flags and move on? I really did like him and laughed with him a lot and felt like we had fun chemistry.

 

i assume both guys are jewish? maybe that might be a reason why if they are also looking for someone of the same race.b

[Calmandfocused]

My view is different to the majority here.

If you hadn’t had the first date yet I would say infrequent contact is to be expected. I’d expect a bit more contact between dates one and two. By date 4 I’d be expecting that he’d be making it crystal clear that he’s into me by texting/ calling me a lot more.

 

To have the opposite I believe is a bad sign. I believe he’s sending you a clear message that the relationship won’t progress any further. Don’t be his fallback girl (read up on this). If you want a relationship with someone who is clearly into you look in another direction is my advice.

 

In my experience if you’re questioning if he’s into you, it’s not going to work out.

 

Sounds like you have a lot to offer and know what you want. Go find it with someone who can give it to you.

[PRW]

I'll just deal with some points in the first message. The rest is too much to read through.

 

I was dating this one guy, he would text me once a week to make plans and that was it.

This is the prefect one for the first 1-2 months. After that you should contact him when you would like to see him. You shouldn't have to ask him out,...just make contact. He should be smart enough to take that as his que to make the next date.

 

Ever since we went out last week, in a group setting, hes been more quiet. Saturday that just passed, he asked me what I'm doing this week, and I told him no set plans, how about you?

He should make specific plans

 

I heard NOTHING back for 3 days, so I decided to text him saying happy jewish new year.

That's fine. But you should both limit your contact to only once or twice a week until you've been on a few more dates.

 

He asked me for my plans this week/weekend and said he will be around if he doesn't go away on Thursday, and if he does, he will be around saturday.

He said he'd let me know and I said ok and that was basically it.

He may just be seeing if he can make something work with your schedule. Maybe he can, maybe he can't. If he can't he should not have to tell you he can't,...but when he can he should just make a specific date.

 

Is there a correlation between how much a guy texts you and his level of interest?

There is a huge difference between a needy clingy and a guy that has his act together. With a guy who isn't good at this it correlates to how needy he is and how much affirmation he needs to feel secure. So the more you hear from them the more "bad" it is. For a guy who is solid, has a life, and knows what he is doing,...no,...it does not correlate to his interest level apart from him contacting once or twice a week. His contacting you at all just shows that he has an interest level, but not how intense it is. His interest level is determined by his behavor when you are together.

 

In the early dating process particularly before you become exclusive you are not his girlfriend and he is not your boyfriend. So the communication should be once a week, maybe slightly more if you've already been on a few dates. Yes he should have options and so should you. A person who does not have options is a negative sign. It could mean no one wants them, or they have tunnel vision with you.