We work together fairly closely

[Nogan]

Danced around sexual tension for a year before sleeping together and then progressed into dating. It started really promising, but she started sabotaging things to keep me at a distance. Felt like it would never progress, and that didn’t combine well with an insecure anxious energy I bring to relationships. It reached its breaking point when I snapped at her and we took a week of space before deciding to sit down. She gave confusing signals during this time by drifting in and out of communication, sleeping with me at one point, and then effectively telling me that I was a piece of ****.

 

Why did I suspect sabotage? She hasn’t been in a relationship in years and seemed to have a lot of strange hangups and intimacy issues. A good mutual friend of ours told me that’s what she was doing. She kept me at a distance. Still, we communicated well, seemed to click in a miriad of ways, and shared the most incredible physical chemistry either of us has experienced (her words, not mine.) I was the first guy since her last serious ex that she introduced to all of her friends. First to even spend the night. She would tell me how much she enjoyed just staying in and cooking dinner.

 

But it was inconsistent and she’d push back as I’d get close. And the inconsistency provoked my anxiety and temper, and while I think I did a good job managing it, it eventually gave her reason to put me in a box. Not to justify my own problems.

 

According to the friend, she’d dated a lot of ****ty dudes for the sole purpose of hooking up. Without investment, she could convince herself that things operated on her own terms. With me, she had to look for or invent reasons, and her investment would change by the day.

 

I called her out on it. She doubled down on not knowing what she wanted and didn’t know if she could provide what I needed, at the very least, within a reasonable timeframe. Confident this is a her thing and not a problem with compatibility, but who really knows. She probably would have continued things, but I basically pushed her to make a choice and she chose caution. Fair enough. I respect her, and if I care about her, I can let her go.

 

But we work together. I told her I didn’t want to be friends, not because I didn’t like her, but that if she was serious, I just wanted distance. No idea how that’s going to work.

 

I’m sad. This sucks.

[preraph]

You said she didn't know if she could provide what you need. What do you need?

 

If she's always been anxious about relationships, you certainly can't expect her to dive in instead of wade in. And some people are not meant to be domestic with someone. I'm not. So I'm wondering if by what you need, it was wanting to move in together or spend more time or if you were asking her to change some certain things.

[d0nnivain]

She doesn't want the same things as you want. So there will be no relationship.

 

Unfortunately because you work together you have to find a way to interact professionally.

 

Perhaps dust off your resume if you can't work with her. At work though you have to be gracious & friendly, not overly so but you can't be rude & you both still have to get the job done with out your personal differences interfering.

[KatCha]

It is the pits when there isn't anything you can do in a relationship to make things better, the pain is real. It seems that it may never have been a friendship between that gal and you to begin with at work? I have been in a similar situation before and tried to talk with the person right away about how to handle things professionally in the event of a breakup. He brushed it off which I should have took as a red flag and did but as I was his student I was at his mercy for my spotless reputation. He destroyed me. Be careful of situations where money and attention matter more to a person than someone else's hopes and dreams, their heart and their livilihood. You are fortunate she didn't do a lot worse and humiliate you or shun you out of the workplace.

[Nogan]

Thought I’d give a short update. Have been tying up a few loose ends, including giving her the birthday present I’d ordered beforehand and a card I wrote after the fact just succinctly putting that I cared about her and wished her the best. She seemed touched, and we talked for a couple of hours. She’s been communicating with me about personal things at work, which I’d rather she didn’t, but I didn't want to make her uncomfortable or give the impression that I’m bitter. Of course I love hearing from her, but that leads to yearning for more, and I’ve started worrying that I’m not going to get enough distance while I’m working there. I may have to look for other work, but that’s not a rash decision and I have some personal things to explore in the meantime, so that’s where my focus is directed.

 

She randomly texted me earlier today because I guess something made her think of me, but I elected not to respond because I’ve been down that road before in previous breakups and she’s not one to text much anyway. If she wants to work things out in the future, we can talk, but I’m not going to validate her reaching out for anything less. She made a choice and she needs to let me move on with my life while I extend the same courtesy to her.

 

I’ve thought about reaching out to a previous ex because I’ve felt like catching up for a while, but didn’t want to make things weird while I was focusing on this recent relationship. I realize that this is a cliche as old as time and in some part due to the sudden void in my life, but I don’t think there’s anything wrong with needing that so long as it isn’t an attempt to rekindle the past. I’m also in sudden need of a date for a friend’s wedding in the next few weeks, and I’m curious if it’d be weird to ask her to go as friends since she’s met all these people. I just kind of want someone to sit and dance with instead of feeling alone in a room full of couples. We were also semi-regularly hanging out before parting ways for the past 10 months, so I don’t know if it would be particularly out of the blue.