Preparing to move in together

[Penguin_hugs]

Hi there,

 

Before I get started- this is not something happening immediately- but just preparing so we are really ready.

 

I've been with my boyfriend for 9 months now- and although that isn't overly long- we've become pretty serious. We see each other probably 2-4 times in the week and spend most weekends together too. We live only 5 mins apart so it's really easy to spend time together. I can honestly say my life has changed knowing him and I'm so happy, confident and comfortable with him. I completely see a long term future with him. He's been there for me throughout good and bad times.

 

Recently he asked me if I had thought about us living together- because it was something on his mind. I had thought about it a bit and am excited by the prospect- but all I knew was I feel we shouldn't rush and we need to be prepared. I want us to have been together a minimum of 1 year and he agrees- he said he just wanted to start the conversation early because he really wants us to live together and wanted to ensure we could be really prepared by the time it happens.

 

It's something we will think about more seriously over the next 6 months to 1 year. So I am trying to think of everything we need to consider and would like some advice from anyone who has ever been in a similar situation. Neither of us have ever lived with a partner before.

 

-Where will we live?- Initial discussion has lead to thinking we would live in my 1 bed rental flat to begin with as it's on a rolling monthly contract- until we find a larger place- he flat shares with one other and rental contracts are renewed for him in April and October.

 

Both of us are introverted and often spend our evenings working- I'm completing an extra work qualification and he's a teacher- so he has prep and marking. Often even now we'll just meet after work, cook dinner together and then get on with some work for a few hours before we do something together later in the evening. So I guess we have a bit of a fear of being a bit on top of each other? The long term plan would involve getting a flat with a spare room/study. And as he pointed out- if we did ever just need a break to collect our thoughts then it is easy just to go for a walk. Particularly as my flat is on the beach!

 

Both of us have decided we need to declutter our own belongings ready to merge things together.

 

In terms of amount of time spent together- we spend half our week staying with each other already. A lot of recommendations I have seen involve making sure you have had a holiday with the person first. It hasn't been possible to go abroad for a length of time together due to our working patterns- I have to book annual leave 12-18 months in advance and I'd actively avoided annual leave in school holidays before meeting him- but we have had 5 long weekends away in various parts of the UK.

 

We've both met and spent extended time with each other's families- neither of which are local.

 

We've spent time with each other's friends. And will soon meet each other's work colleagues at Christmas parties etc. We are starting to merge a few things in our lives already.

 

And we have started discussing things that excite us and scare us about living together. I'm excited about coming home to him- and it's actually a really nice moment when we both leave for work at the same time. This weekend we tried to act a little bit like we were living together (like a trial run)- like him moving some stuff in to drawers and it just being a "regular" weekend with no particular date like activities. We cooked together, did chores, work, and still had afternoon movies etc and it was so good- just completely right and comfortable.

 

But I guess I am scared about losing some of my independence. Sometimes I like an evening alone with Netflix on the sofa-and I guess it would be strange to do that if he is here too?

 

Basically just after some thoughts and suggestions about how we can prepare for this. Both of us see it as a big deal and want to be as ready for it as we can be and to have thought of everything first! And this is not something happening for a while- before anyone starts going on about how it is too soon- I know it is currently! I think I'm leaning on more of the 12 month timescale- although I think he would prefer the 6 month end of the scale!

[smackie9]

have that conversation with him now about personal space. You can watch your netflix in the bedroom while he can work on the laptop in the kitchen. And you better start enjoying going out because it will be necessary to spend outside time with a friend to take a break. Never ever buy stuff together and never share bank accounts or a credit card. You'd be a damn fool to do that. Cut everything down the middle 50/50 so there won't be any complaining who uses more milk in the morning than the other, etc. Oh and hammer down about chores, like each person does their own laundry, and make a chore schedule on the calendar to divvy up the rest. Make expectations CLEAR. and this also includes having people/family over, or leaving a project out, who's in charge of paying the bills, communicating about coming home late, etc.

 

 

lastly discuss a plan if you two decide to breakup. This is important concerning the lease. It's better to have one name on the lease of the person that will be willing to stay and continue living there. Also make sure to go over of splitting the assets like the furniture, tv, dishes, etc. Do not purge your stuff, that's a huge mistake. Put it in storage or at your parent's, or get a place that has a storage locker. You should never get rid of things you may need if you have to move out on your own again. This is not a marriage so don't treat it like one. You need to go in this without the rose coloured glasses. Things may feel "right" but that erodes over time.

Edited September 11, 2018 by smackie9

[d0nnivain]

Talk about expectations, expenses & division of labor. The first guy I lived with we had one of our 1st fights over orange juice. He wanted cheap generic & I wanted tasty but more expensive brand name. I finally made him do a taste test & when he realized they really tasted different he relented.

 

I agree with no combining finances & no joint purchases. When the above guy & I broke up, I took my stuff & moved out. There was no issue of who got what.

 

Housework is usually a big source of contention. When I was first married in an effort to help me, my darling husband washed 3 cashmere sweaters & then put them in the dryer. They fit Barbie when then came out. I made him crazy because I had a certain way of folding towels & would refold towels he already hung up. When I asked a dear guy dear friend of mine for marital advice he said make enough money so you don't have to fight about money & hire a housekeeper.

 

I think the biggest adjustment for 2 introverts is going to be the lack of individual space in a 1 BR but I do think that living in your month to month place is the best solution initially while you test the waters.

[LifeBeginsAt40]

I think the first thing I would say is that don't stress the time period. You read all these rules about never do this before 3 months, never say I love you before six, never move in together before a year etc etc. Each relationship is individual, and if it feels right then what are you going to gain through waiting another 6 - 12 months? This is either going to work or not, and you are not going to discover whether or not you can live together until you, well, live together!

 

I've lived with two girlfriends in my life - one I moved in with after 15 months and the other after 4. I went out with the first one for just over 2 years and the second one for 4 and a half. Moving in really had no bearing over the longevity of the relationship - they just didn't work out.

 

I am in a similar position to you now - coming up to six months with the current girlfriend, and we have decided that we are going to move in together towards the end of this year. We are looking at places currently, and when we find one that ticks as many boxes as possible, we are going to hand our notices in and go for it. This could be tomorrow or next month or at xmas, or early next year, but the timing doesn't bother me at all - it just feels right and like she may finally be the one. We like you have spent pretty much every night and weekend together, so we pretty much live together anyway. Been away on holiday for a week just recently and that went well. It just feels like the next logical step.

 

I think the previous advice is sound. Things that I have learned through co-habiting previously:

 

1) Definitely split all bills and rent payments 50/50. If you don't it creates resentment. You are partners not one persons provider or leech.

2) Having a joint account can be a good thing in my view, but I agree, no joint credit card. My first ex and I had a joint account that we paid a set amount into each month to cover the rent and the bills with some left over for socialising. Then there is no argument over what you do with the rest of your cash. Last ex took issue at me spending on things because she had no oversight of my finances.

3) Think about your quirks and needs. What I mean by this is that I for example can be quite messy - I'm happy to let dishes pile up for a few days, am not too bothered about vacuuming etc, and will leave pants and things on the bedroom floor. This caused big arguments with both my ex's. My resolution for moving in with my new girl is to get a cleaner once a week. I can therefore do a bit more to be tidy, but at least the place gets a thorough clean weekly which will hopefully = harmony. You may be the opposite - spotlessly clean, hate any sort of mess. Be prepared to shift a bit from this and cut your partner some slack should he be more like me.

4) Set out expectations for sure about how you will run the house, who does what etc etc. 9/10 arguments I had with my ex's were around things like not having taken the bins out. I had assumed that it was a joint task but it never was.

5) Definitely talk about an exit plan should things go wrong. I disagree slightly with the above advice - unless you can get a place with a large loft or storage space then I would say sell or chuck all your duplicate items. If you split up, what expense is it to buy some new plates and a few Ikea mugs? Why pay £50 a month to store items that cost about £50 in total to replace. Just purge it all and if it goes wrong, it'll just be a bit of an extra cost to get it all back.

6) The big one I think is to definitely keep your hobbies and interests. It was bliss from time to time to have the place to myself for the weekend or the evening or whatever if my other half went away for a girls week or something.

 

End of the day, this will either work or it won't. Only way to find out is to give it a shot, and I would say the biggest asset you can have is the ability to adapt. Your partner, however ideal is bound to do some things differently to you. You both need to be willing to work to find a solution that fits you both whether that is how often the cleaning is done, or how much money you spend on going out. If you can work together as a team, then everything is easy. This is what both my ex's and I failed to do for one reason or another.

Edited September 11, 2018 by LifeBeginsAt40

[Penguin_hugs]

Thankyou all for your replies- I've been thinking a lot about various scenarios.

 

We split a lot of things 50:50 already- with the occasional treating of each other to things like dinner or lunch out. Obviously rent and bills etc would be split equally- but I wonder if paying the same amount in to a joint account for bills to be deducted from may just be easier. My best friend and partner do that- and anything left over at the end of the month becomes their date night spending budget- which I think is a nice idea. My mum on the other hand- she bought a house with her partner and paid double the amount of deposit he did and took a significant paycut to move to be with him so he pays the bills and mortgage whereas she just pays for food shopping etc. She advised not to have a joint account for anything.

 

I don't own a credit card- so that's not an issue. (I think I was given one when I started Uni from my bank- but I never used it so it got cancelled. I always had a free £1000 overdraft which worked in emergencies!). I do know that I probably should get one to help my credit score- but I prefer to budget and save for luxuries- it makes me appreciate it more.

 

In terms of furniture- his housemate owns most of the things in his flat- so he just has some second hand bedroom furniture. So I'm not sure how worth keeping all of it is. I think I need to focus on getting rid of clutter, old clothes that I don't wear, drawers full of old uni notes that aren't so needed anymore.

 

I'm excited about the prospect of him being the person I come home to- and building a life together. I can see that happening already- and it's incredible how well we seem to fit together. But I think we do need to keep up our hobbies. I think that will be helped by getting a bigger place- but I think just logistically it easier to move from one place to the other rather than scheduling 2 places to move in together at once!

 

We definitely need to sit down and discuss it properly and make a plan for how it will all work. Particularly if it all goes wrong.

 

Thankyou for all your inputs- it's given me a lot more to think about

[Els]

If you are concerned about time alone and your personal space, I honestly think that moving into a 1-bedroom apartment might be a bit difficult for you (unless your bedroom is big enough for more than just a bed). Having an extra room just to turn into a study or a man-/woman-cave is very helpful IMO. We've lived together for years and have no issues with it, but we still struggle with a 1-bedroom apartment, and the compromises that need to be made (e.g. if one of us wants quiet time and the other person wants to do noisy stuff like play games or watch TV). This was never an issue in a 2-bedroom.

 

 

 

If you are nervous I would recommend waiting until both your leases are over, and moving to a 2-bedroom.

[smackie9]

All I can say is, you may feel excited, but the adjustment will be hard. Staying over night playing house is not the same as living together.

[Gaeta]

Instead of moving in together in a small place where you'll kill the love fast just wait longer and move in that bigger place you're both wanting.

 

 

 

Till then live together full time at your place or his. He only needs a couple of drawers. Being together 4 times a week isn't the same as living together. Right now if you have a disagreement you and him don't have the pressure of sleeping in the same bed, when you move in together and it's official there is no way out it's different.

 

 

 

You should date a good 2 years before moving in. My ex-h and I married after 3 years dating and when we moved in together he was like a stranger to me, it's only then I learn who he really was. I have been dating my current bf almost 3 years, I'd say in the past 6 months I have seen a lot of things in his character I had not seen before.