save me from relationship anxiety.

[Panatana90]

I have a history of anxiety and being unsure of everything. Growing up, I was constantly worried about my younger brother who has grown up with an illness, and when I was 11 my mum was diagnosed with breast cancer. They were both sources of great worry for me.

 

Usually, I can handle everything because I'm "used" to being worried. However, when I get really bad, it manifests itself in not being able to, or at least struggling, to sleep. Over four years ago, I got very stressed and was struggling badly to sleep. I was in a very happy five-year relationship and my anxiety was affecting this. But I got through it, and all of a sudden, I was dumped completely out of the blue. To say I was crushed is an understatement.

Eight months later, my mum died after battling cancer for 14 years. In the year or so after this, I simply moved from fling to fling - only after sex. I then met what is now my current girlfriend. She said she wanted just a casual relationship at the start and I was very happy with this. However, it became clear she was developing feelings, but I was very much still in 'single mode' mindset.

 

I did like her, but after a while I broke it off because I wasn't ready for a relationship. After I did this, I more or less immediately regretted it because she's such a good person who didn't deserve it. I asked her for another chance, and thankfully, she gave me it. We've been together ever since.

However, as throughout my life, I always question everything. Do I love her? Do I love her enough? What if I'm only convincing or tricking myself? A million negative thoughts. They even popped up from time-to-time with my ex, and were a source of anxiety. But I could usually let them slide off and not bother me too much.

Even though I question my love intermittently, for a long time now I've been feeling so good about the relationship. I know I love her, even though it feels a bit different than my first girlfriend. I was told love never feels the same. I've never been happier than I have been lately and she's the greatest woman, aside from my mum, that I've ever known.

 

We're now expecting a child, which although is a bit scary, I was very excited about. She is an absolute star but I suddenly starting feeling empty and said to myself "if you truly love someone, you wouldn't be questioning it" and I've been beating myself up. When I have bad thoughts, I feel like I won't sleep, so when I get to bed I struggle. It's like a domino effect. Life has been stressful later, my dad had a life-saving operation two months ago, which I handled well.

 

But how could I be so happy and excited, now I feel like I'm at rock bottom? It's shaken my world. Everything I was looking forward to, even just a week or two ago, I feel "meh" about.

What do I need to do? have I just let myself get worked up and over-reacted? Would taking anti-anxiety meds help? I could go into a lot more detail, but that's the jist. I should not that this comes in “waves”, where I’ll feel good then BAM it hits me and I focus on it. Any help is greatly appreciated.

[ExtraSpice]

Have you ever gone to therapy for your anxiety? If it is severe and you haven't tried it, it may help.

 

Why are you questioning the relationship or whether your truly love her or not? Is it because you feel empty or is it caused by something she does or some way she makes you feel?

 

Why do you feel empty? Is there a specific thing that is making you feel that way or just the idea of a child in your life has triggered it? If so do major events generally trigger your anxiety?

 

I feel anxiety is a complicated thing and can't be solved by one thing or one method and generally takes some time to get under control.

[Lotsgoingon]

Definitely get to therapy for your anxiety.

 

Cognitive Behavioral Therapy can be especially effective for anxiety.

 

The anxiety you're experiencing is a real problem in that it interferes with thinking and with feeling. So right now, I can tell what is your anxiety talking vs. what is real feeling and doubt grounded in intuition.

 

So you need to work on this to get clear ... otherwise, with the anxiety high, it's impossible to think clearly and to sort through the mix of thoughts, feelings and intuitions that go into having a relationship.

 

Anxiety can also interfere with intimacy ... so you're feeling empty ... and that could simply be a result of the inability to share and interact in a deep way with your partner.

 

Some of your struggles also remind me of depression ... depression often leads to anxiety ... or includes anxiety ... because again, you can't think.

 

Is anything holding you back from getting treatment and help? Is this a money issue?

[Jane Deaux]

I have anxiety as well. I have to take CBD oil.

 

I let too many negative thoughts run through my head.

 

 

In your situation, it seems to me it is just anxiety, just based on the thought process you are describing. I believe you love her truly and you just feel apathetic at times. That is a symptom of anxiety. When you are experiencing the feelings of apathy, have you tried calling her, just to hear her voice? Sometimes this is enough to shake those feelings. Do you live together?

Can you go out for the night when you are having these episodes?

 

When having episodes of apathy, the best thing to do is to move, go do something, get in to some natural light, talk to someone ( i call my best friend) and just in general try to stabilize the chemicals going on in your mind and body.

[Panatana90]

Thanks for the reply. I wouldn't say I'm generally depressed, but feeling like this gets me down. I do have a lot to be grateful for and good stuff in my life and to look forward to. That's where I should be focusing my energy rather than dwelling on negative thoughts. As for therapy, it's something I'm definitely considering...

[mortensorchid]

I think you need to see a shrink in order to get certain issues worked out of you. Medication is not always for everyone, there are those out there who for whatever reason can't take them (allergies, bad reactions, etc.). If you do take them it's nothing to be ashamed of. But that's another thread.

 

You acknowledge that you have a certain issue, which is good. But you have to want to change things. You can't expect something will just wave a magic wand and you will just change for the better. You can't expect that someone or something will be better or will be resolved if you do or don't do something, you have to find other means in which to change and try things. And you also have to be brave, take a risk, and accept that certain things are NOT going to change. Go forth as you are.

[LisaMara]

I agree with the other posters that you should try therapy.

The anxiety, mood swings and conflicting thoughts you have do not seem to have anything to do with your relationship. I think you are misinterpreting cause and correlation here. You are not unhappy and anxious because of your relationship. Maybe you are scared that everything good in your life will be taken away from you. Hence, starting to feel "meh" about them is just a defence mechanism which would make it less painful for you if you were to lose them.

I am sorry what happened to your mom, my mom has also been battling cancer for several years now so I understand how hard that must have been for you at such a young age and then to lose her. Please do not underestimate the trauma of these events and seek therapy. Be kind and compassionate to yourself, and acknowledge you need some time and help getting over this difficult times.

[Dis]

OP, I'm not sure why you thought it was a good idea to bring a child into the world when you're having doubts about the woman you're having the child with

 

I feel a deep sense of sadness for children who are born to parents who don't have a stable foundation to raise a child. Kids born into situations like this face life long hardships. IMO, it was a selfish thing to do to get your gf pregnant (either intentionally or not) and given your avoidant dating behaviors, once the baby comes you run a high chance of running off

 

I'm not sure why people think it's ok, or not a big deal to have a child. Especially when the parents aren't ready. I've shadowed RNs who cared for children in abusive and neglectful homes and I honestly don't feel one bit of sympathy for the parents. I feel a world of empathy for the children who weren't given a fair chance.

 

If you think you're not getting sleep now, wait until the baby comes. It will get much worse plus it will put a massive amount of stress on your already fragile relationship with your gf.

 

I guess I just wish more people had more common sense when it comes to practicing safe sex and waiting to have a child until they're ready.

 

Your post was all about your feelings, your concerns, your anxiety. What about your baby? That kid is all that matters now. When you decided to get your gf pregnant, your needs and wants seized to matter. Your baby's wants and needs are all that matters now. But the scary thing is, you don't sound at all ready to take on that role. And that's why you should've used protection.

 

All you can do now is prepare for your new baby. I have a feeling you'll take off once you get enough of being a new parent considering your issues. And that's going to be a very sad situation for your kid.

 

Also want to note, this isn't all on you. You're gf is equally responsible for this.

 

I hope you can learn to grow up fast and take care of your baby. But from what I've seen in the healthcare field, it might not happen.

[kendahke]

Thanks for the reply. I wouldn't say I'm generally depressed, but feeling like this gets me down. I do have a lot to be grateful for and good stuff in my life and to look forward to. That's where I should be focusing my energy rather than dwelling on negative thoughts. As for therapy, it's something I'm definitely considering...

 

You have to train yourself to get ahold of and squash negative thinking before it runs amok. I was watching a video by Landria Onkka just the other day on youtube talking about an exercise to eliminate negative thinking. Look her up--it may help you out.

 

In the meantime, do more than consider therapy. If what's going on with you is keeping you from attaining the kind of relationship you want, then you need to be about the business of rectifying it because it's no one else's heavy lift but yours. It has to be resolved before you will have any long-lasting satisfaction in how you proceed in your relationship quests.