5 months. She has moved on but not me

[Borntoelevate]

Hello.

 

Long time reader seeking advice. It’s been 5 months since things ended with my ex and I am still struggling to move on. Without going into too much details here (I plan to write another post with the break up details), things ended because I wasn’t mature enough and I am shouldering a lot of guilt. She is 30 and I am 32. She gave me a lot of chances but I screwed up each one. I still believe she was a very rare girl and I won’t ever find someone as good. She’s raised my standards and I don’t think I can find someone who will meet those standards.

 

I know she has moved on (she did so within a month of our break up) as a mutual Facebook friend sent me a photo of her with her new boyfriend. I didn’t believe she had moved on so quickly so the mutual friend sent the photo to prove it.

 

I still love my ex and for the last month or so I thought I was doing well with NC (had a streak of 4 weeks without looking at her Facebook profile/LinkedIn profile). Then this evening, I broke it by looking up her LinkedIn profile (somewhat accidentally). She has started her placements as a nurse. What this proves to me is she has gotten over me and has a clear enough head on to progress her career, whilst I am still stuck here thinking about her everyday.

 

I’ve dated new girls (quite a few of who want to be my new gf but they don’t appeal to me), I’ve taken up new hobbies, hit the gym hard to the point I am the fittest I’ve ever been and I have a visible six pack.

 

But this obsession and constant ruminating over my ex every day just never stops. I don’t cry anymore (a month ago I was still crying) but she still occupies a large part of my conscience mind.

 

This recent relapse to look her up again scares me because I thought I had enough strength to not do that. Now I fear I will never ever get over my ex. I fear I will never love again. I fear I will never gain my former confidence again to be able to attract a quality new girl. Most importantly, I am afraid I will never be my happy self again.

 

It’s been 5 months and I feel I have barely made any progress whilst she is completely over me. Can I get other peoples’ advice on the prospects of me actually ever getting over my ex? Will I ever move on?Surely there are people who have never been able to get over their ex?

 

Thanks,

 

Borntoelevate

Edited September 11, 2018 by Borntoelevate

[Young mind]

“I still believe she was a very rare girl and I won’t ever find someone as good. She’s raised my standards and I don’t think I can find someone who will meet those standards.”

 

Keep that sentence in your mind and read it again, while it’s absolutely normal to think that, it’s far from the truth, and that’s codependency, I don’t wanna preach idealistic jargons, but we are all unique and wonderful in our own might, break ups devalue us and make us think we just lost the only thing that we were ‘living’ for , but trust me your eyes will open up to the fact that your ex isn’t a mini god as you place her to be.

 

Moving on can mean different things, getting a new partner, 6-packs whatever it is, don’t forget you also have a life outside relationship, how much moving on is going on in that part of your life, put in your focus and grow.

 

Don’t measure your healing with how fast your ex-gf can have a new relationship, it isn’t that hard, let time heal you

[d0nnivain]

You are struggling because you see this is a). your fault and b). preventable if you had been more mature. Because you feel like you could have changed the outcome you are beating yourself up over it.

 

Stop. It wasn't all you.

 

Figure out what lessons you are supposed to learn from this. Accept that it's over then move forward.

[preraph]

Different people move on better. It always took me forever to give up on someone, which was a colossal waste of time of my precious youth. I did finally make myself at least keep socializing and not just let time stand still and waste more of it, but that took bravery and discipline. You need to summon that and fake it til you make it. Plaster a big friendly smile on your face and go out whether you want to or not. That's what I did. And it led to meeting people and having a better life and more distractions and that gave me less time to dwell on my heartache. You have to live through it. Actively.

[SevenCity]

The fact that she had a new bf after a month leads me to believe she had been cheating before she broke it off. Perhaps not full on sex, but emotionally at least. And she likely checked out long before she told you about it. So in that respect, she wasn’t so great. Also, most women do this so she’s not special either.

 

It’s important to recognize where you messed up and actively change that about you so the next time you meet a girl who is gf material you don’t F up.

 

That said, you can’t beat yourself up about it. It probably took this to transform you into the man you will become. It sucks, but drastic change seldom happens without trauma.

 

Will you love again? Yes, you will. Will you love as deeply? Maybe, maybe not. After my ex crushed me, I lost the ability to love that deeply anymore. I realize that relationships are temporary and you cannot place all your happiness within them.

 

Being single for two years (with a lot of dating in that time) taught me I’m perfectly ok by myself. I actually was growing to really enjoy it until my current gf messed it all up lol.

 

The reason this hurts so much is because you tied yourself to her and the relationship. As romantic as this sounds, it’s a recipe for disaster for a man. Women can bounce back much better (and have FAR more opportunity to do so). They don’t love like a man does. What they are feeling and saying applies in that moment (as you’ve learned). Once that moment passes, it is no longer applicable.

 

I understand your pain. It took me 1.5 years to get to a better place but I’d be lying if I said my ex didn’t pop in my mind frequently.

 

Eventually I know I’ll hit indifference, as will you. But take this as a lesson to change your behavior and not count on a woman or relationship to define you or your happiness.

[ThreeRainbows]

Have you been no contact?

 

 

Has she been reaching out to you at all?

 

 

When was the last time you guys talked, and who initiated the contact?

 

 

 

 

My ex-boyfriend and I recently reconciled (he dumped me, and we were apart for 3 months). I have some good pointers if you want to do that, but it is possible she's moved on, as well.

[MountainGirl111]

Moving on faster does not equate with moving on BETTER. You've said it yourself you've had dates so that is a type of moving on. Just because she has a new boyfriend doesn't mean she's truly happy and worry-free with said BF. You can't always believe what you see in pictures, but evidently it's not helping you to look at new pics of her. Try to stay completely away from looking at her Facebook page. That darn "fakebook" has caused more problems! And perhaps let your friends and aquaintances know somehow that you don't need to hear from them. No contact really can be effective in helping you get over someone.

 

It's GREAT you are in the best shape of your life!! That's awesome. In my mind, you've taken a broken heart and done something very healthy with it. So, give yourself lots and LOTS of credit.

 

I know you think she "set the standard" by which you are now measuring all women by. I think that's to be expected...but it CAN be gotten over. Tell yourself she had'has flaws just like anyone else.....hang in there and don't be a stranger.

[Borntoelevate]

The fact that she had a new bf after a month leads me to believe she had been cheating before she broke it off. Perhaps not full on sex, but emotionally at least. And she likely checked out long before she told you about it. So in that respect, she wasn’t so great. Also, most women do this so she’s not special either.

 

I am starting to suspect you might be right. Not that it’s really relevant at this point but knowing that she probably cheated goes a long way in making me feel the person I lost wasn’t that great.

[preraph]

I don't see why anyone thinks she was cheating. I mean, most average to better looking young women can find someone to date inside of a months if they're going out and being social. Don't add that bitter thought to your history. What reason did she give when she broke up with you? That is the one to listen to and think about and see if you have any ownership.

[ThreeRainbows]

I don't see why anyone thinks she was cheating. I mean, most average to better looking young women can find someone to date inside of a months if they're going out and being social. Don't add that bitter thought to your history. What reason did she give when she broke up with you? That is the one to listen to and think about and see if you have any ownership.

 

 

 

 

This.

 

 

 

When we're heartbroken, we actively look for reasons to assume the worst about our ex. We have lost trust. This clouds our thoughts. This doesn't mean that these thoughts have any basis in reality. Most people aren't bad or evil. Most people have enough integrity to leave a relationship before cheating. This is what I believe. Give her the benefit of the doubt....

 

 

Sounds like you're not interested in reconciling with her. Best of luck to you!

[Gretchen12]

You are focusing on the wrong things but that's common. When you focus on the right things, you will move on to a good relationship, or reconcile with your ex.

 

It is common for people to try to date. That's using another person for an ego boost, emotional soothing, but not mature nor effective. It's also common for men to hit the gym. I'm all for staying fit and healthy. But when you overdo it, sorry guys, that's kind of neanderthal. " I can't communicate my feelings but I can lift really heavy things!"

 

You should work on the issues you had in the relationships, so that you don't make the same mistakes again. But to start, you should only take half of the blame. Not more. That's enough material to work on.

 

Generally work on being more rational and less emotional. People who are rational in other areas of life can become overwhelmed in a relationship and begin to operate purely on emotions. Use the same maturity you show at your workplace.

 

It doesn't matter what she does. You will feel better when you are grounded, proud and standing tall. That's why you work on the maturity and integrity, the inner self. Not quickly find a new girl, not bodybuilding, not getting angry and bitter. When you are in a better place, you will attract good people and be successful in a new relationship.

[MountainGirl111]

The fact that she had a new bf after a month leads me to believe she had been cheating before she broke it off. Perhaps not full on sex, but emotionally at least. And she likely checked out long before she told you about it. So in that respect, she wasn’t so great. Also, most women do this so she’s not special either.

.

 

I don't understand why one would suspect cheating. based on little info. It's not that difficult to get a new BF within a month's time. More than likely, however. is her new BF is a rebound romance. If she "set the standard" which will be hard to follow, that tells me she is a very attractive person.... so getting a new BF would be easy for her to do in all likelihood.

 

I think the more important thing for OP to concentrate on is not his ex girlfriend and whether or not she was cheating before the breakup. She is an ex now, it's over. So I encourage you, OP to stop checking her social media, especially facebook/fakebook. People can post all sorts of pictures and subtitles to DEPICT what ever they want to depict. You don't need to be seeing that sort of stuff...what GOOD could it possibly do?

Edited September 12, 2018 by MountainGirl111

[SevenCity]

I don't understand why one would suspect cheating. based on little info. It's not that difficult to get a new BF within a month's time. More than likely, however. is her new BF is a rebound romance. If she "set the standard" which will be hard to follow, that tells me she is a very attractive person.... so getting a new BF would be easy for her to do in all likelihood.

 

I think the more important thing for OP to concentrate on is not his ex girlfriend and whether or not she was cheating before the breakup. She is an ex now, it's over. So I encourage you, OP to stop checking her social media, especially facebook/fakebook. People can post all sorts of pictures and subtitles to DEPICT what ever they want to depict. You don't need to be seeing that sort of stuff...what GOOD could it possibly do?

 

I am in full agreement that good looking women can pretty much walk out the door and get a new man. However, for a girl, especially one fresh out of a relationship, to commit to someone else in FOUR WEEKS and post their pics online is a very good indicator she had been shopping around prior.

 

The reason it matters is many if not most do this. It’s important to always gauge a woman’s interest level so you can make course corrections or at least prepare. It’s often the case that the guy who she claimed was “just a friend” was being groomed for your job. Men need to know this and be on the lookout.

 

Does it matter for the OP’s ex? Not really. Does it matter for his next girl? You bet.

[SevenCity]

Have you been no contact?

 

 

Has she been reaching out to you at all?

 

 

When was the last time you guys talked, and who initiated the contact?

 

 

 

 

My ex-boyfriend and I recently reconciled (he dumped me, and we were apart for 3 months). I have some good pointers if you want to do that, but it is possible she's moved on, as well.

 

Unfortunately, getting a guy back as a female dumpee has little bearing on getting a girl back as a dumped guy.

 

Once a woman makes a decision to dump you, it is nearly universally impossible to get her back. The decision was made months if not years before hand and you were just informed once it was too late.

 

Men will take women back much more often than the reverse

[ThreeRainbows]

Unfortunately, getting a guy back as a female dumpee has little bearing on getting a girl back as a dumped guy.

 

Once a woman makes a decision to dump you, it is nearly universally impossible to get her back. The decision was made months if not years before hand and you were just informed once it was too late.

 

Men will take women back much more often than the reverse

 

 

I disagree completely

 

 

I've taken a guy back before that I dumped.

 

 

Now, I have also dumped a man before and not taken him back. What's the difference?

 

 

The first guy respected me. He let me go, but didn't have a negative attitude towards me. He was sweet still. He left the door open for me... and I walked right back in.

 

 

The second guy continued to contact me for months afterwards, but everytime, he either pressured me to reconcile, or was angry with me. He never "let me go."

 

 

 

This is about emotional needs (RESPECT being the biggest one). If you can show her that you can respect her, she can turn around.

[MountainGirl111]

I am in full agreement that good looking women can pretty much walk out the door and get a new man. However, for a girl, especially one fresh out of a relationship, to commit to someone else in FOUR WEEKS and post their pics online is a very good indicator she had been shopping around prior.

 

The reason it matters is many if not most do this. It’s important to always gauge a woman’s interest level so you can make course corrections or at least prepare. It’s often the case that the guy who she claimed was “just a friend” was being groomed for your job. Men need to know this and be on the lookout.

 

Does it matter for the OP’s ex? Not really. Does it matter for his next girl? You bet.

 

Thank you for your perspective. You are obviously a guy and it sounds like you've been through this.

 

Just because a girl gets a new BF that quickly doesn't mean she was "shopping around" prior to. Plus, some girls don't have to "shop"...they attract men....just the way it is...maybe she has a very disarming and engaging manner...doesn't mean she's a cheater.

 

Her new BF could be someone totally new to her. One can assume she was shopping around before the breakup but one cannot know for sure.

 

One thing that I've wondered about is when a guy gets a new girlfriend so quick he is treated like studly man or a chick magnet. When a girl does the same thing, she is looked upon as a woman of ill repute. What should stop a girl from getting a new BF so quick? I wouldn't advise it to anyone, however I wouldn't assume new guy was already in the picture before the breakup. It's possible, sure....but it's also unknown.

[SevenCity]

I disagree completely

 

 

I've taken a guy back before that I dumped.

 

 

Now, I have also dumped a man before and not taken him back. What's the difference?

 

 

The first guy respected me. He let me go, but didn't have a negative attitude towards me. He was sweet still. He left the door open for me... and I walked right back in.

 

 

The second guy continued to contact me for months afterwards, but everytime, he either pressured me to reconcile, or was angry with me. He never "let me go."

 

 

 

This is about emotional needs (RESPECT being the biggest one). If you can show her that you can respect her, she can turn around.

 

How long did you stay with him? Are you still together? By “back” I do not mean temporarily.

 

My statement comes from life - very few women will take back a guy they dumped. You are an exception. Ask the women here.

[ExpatInItaly]

How long were you together, OP?

 

5 months may or may not be all that long to be feeling this way, depending on how long you dated. If you dated a couple months, then sure, 5 months is a long mourning period. But from the way you've described it, I'm assuming this was a longer-term relationship, which naturally take longer to heal from - especially when you didn't want it to end.

 

I think what's really keeping you stuck is that seem to be shouldering all the blame for the break-up, and guilt is a very difficult feeling to shake (whether it's warranted or not) You haven't given many details about your relationship, but my guess is that this isn't all your fault. When you start to realize that, you will slowly start to get more comfortable with the idea of being broken up.

[preraph]

He needs to tell us what she said was why she broke up.

[ThreeRainbows]

How long did you stay with him? Are you still together? By “back” I do not mean temporarily.

 

My statement comes from life - very few women will take back a guy they dumped. You are an exception. Ask the women here.

 

 

I was 19 at the time it happened. We got back together for about a year. Didn't keep track of the time. After that year, he dumped me (and no, he never took me back).

[MountainGirl111]

I just don't understand why one would presume/assume she was out shopping around for a BF. No way to know that for a fact. Totally foreign concept to me....

 

Anyhow, has it occurred to you that she is the type of gal who doesn't need to "shop" for a BF? Obviously you find her very attractive or you wouldn't have been her BF nor be upset b breaking up. Therefore, perhaps she is the type of person that doesn't need to shop in that area of her life....her love life....

 

I have come across many women who chase men or "look" for men .... but someone of them truly have to try a little harder to get a BF (for whatever reason, not always based on looks). Some women "throw" their selves at men. Some men find that flattering. I don't know for which of woman you ex GF is. Only you know that.

[jjb117]

Listen, you need to understand this.

 

Things like this are normal. It’s okay to mourn over the loss of someone who truly meant the world to you. Nothing is wrong with you, but you do need to realize you need to make some big changes.

 

I for one was on the same boat. It has been 5 months and I wasn’t over my ex. I hated it. I didn’t want to think of her, but I couldn’t help it. Everywhere I went reminded me of a story involving us, together, as a couple. It was madness.

 

Though it was a hard decision, I blocked my ex on everything. And it took me a long time to reach that conclusion but it was best for me. Out of sight, out of mind. I finally realized I need to do what’s right for ME. I knew blocking her would hurt her, potentially having her think of me as childish or immature, but honestly all of that doesn’t matter. You need to focus on YOU. You need to do whatever you can to move on. You need to realize you can find happiness with someone else. I’m not saying it’s going to be easy, but there are people out there. You won’t believe it until someone comes in your life and takes your breath away.

 

So all I can say is block her. Move forward and don’t look back. She’s accepted that it is over, and you must as well. Yes, I sound harsh but the longer you keep doing this, the longer it’ll take to get over her. Be proactive with your time. Live your life man. You have potential. You can and will find someone that will blow your breath away. It doesn’t seem like it now, but you will. Life works itself out. Just keep believing. Just keep marching.

[Borntoelevate]

Hey guys. It has now been 6 months since my ex broke up with me. It still hurts and I still miss her very much. She moved on roughly 1.5 months after our break up. I have dated a few girls in between but no one measures up. People keep telling me that it gets better, I will recover and I will meet someone better or at least as good as my ex, but I don’t believe it. I can’t see it. I am 32 and I feel all the good girls slightly younger or around my age are taken. Add to that that my motivation to go out is shot, so that further lowers the chances of meeting a nice girl.

 

My parents say I have gotten better since the break up (not fully healed but better) but I don’t believe it or even feel it inside (maybe exterior I appear better but I definitely don’t feel better).

 

I feel my situation is unique from everyone else which means other people’s recovery stories don’t apply to me. I neglected her and she tried so hard for our relationship. I caught her just after a break up so I was lucky. She was pretty, hard working, loyal, considerate, very affectionate and generous, but I was immature.

 

I am unable to get back to my normal base line mood that I had before I met my ex. No matter what I try (martial arts, gym, meeting new people through meetup, dating random girls), nothing helps.

 

The only solution I feel I have at this point is suicide. I have the means to carry it out but I always just hold back.

[Gillys]

Hey OP,

 

Sorry you're hurting. I don't think suicide is the answer. I think your parents and siblings would be in a lot more pain than you are now if you went through with it, do you want that for them?

 

Heartache takes a lot of time to heal. I know you don't feel back at your baseline but it's only been 5 months. Try to focus on the little victories in your life and small goals. It seems like you're physically fit and active, so appreciate those little achievements. I know that it's extremely hard to hear right now. I will ask that you think of the pain other people who love you unconditionally like your parents would go through if you harmed yourself.

 

You're young (same age as me) and have a lot of life left to live, more people to love and more positive experiences await my friend. Stay strong and keep pushing forward. Post on here when you're down and need someone to talk to.

[Jane Deaux]

I remember the first real time I had my heartbroken. I didn't think I would ever love again. And it took me a long time to get back to a baseline. And then another 2 years to actually 100% be over thoughts of him. And now I am fully and more so in love with someone else. More than I believed possible after my heart was broken.

 

Read stories about people who have considered suicide as well and are now happy they also did not go through with it. Because what seems insurmountable at the time becomes something you can look back on and be grateful that you didn't take lethal measures. You will find happiness again. And it's even possible for a reconnection with the ex. Sometimes they do come back. But for now just focus on yourself and getting yourself happy.

 

Do everything you can in your power to find mental peace that is not contingent on a person or the world. Find your inner peace.