Garcon1986 Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 Hi, what are some ways to avoid getting into a long term relationship only to have your lady become frustrated that “you’ve changed “? And what, from the lady’s perspective, barring mistreatment/ abuse/ yelling, are reasons a lady would do this to a guy?
Gaeta Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 Hi, what are some ways to avoid getting into a long term relationship only to have your lady become frustrated that “you’ve changed “? Be who you are from the start so she can make and informed decision if she wants to be with you long term or not. Don't pretend you like opera to please her when you don't, don't pretend you're a certain type of lover when you're not, don't promise things you know you won't deliver. It's as simple as that. What do you call long term? It takes a few months, couple of years to see through a person. You've got to be willing to invest that much. And what, from the lady’s perspective, barring mistreatment/ abuse/ yelling, are reasons a lady would do this to a guy? Do this to a guy? We don't *do* it as in *do it on purpose*. My ex-husband told me a few times after we married I wasn't the woman he dated anymore. I had changed. I answered yes I had changed, before we got married he was loving and attentive, then we got married and about 8 months later he started hitting me.....and he wanted to know why I had changed? Sure my example is extreme but it overall works the same. If you stop being who you were she will also stop being who she was. Each actions has a reactions. Ask your role in that chain of actions/reactions. 1
guest569 Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 Everybody changes but I think we need some more details here!
Mrin Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 Generally speaking, when a lady says "you've changed" I find that she's usually referring to a lack of effort, romance or affection from the guy that makes her feel disconnected and unloved I guess. A general lack of effort on his part. 3
basil67 Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 First up, it's completely normal to change as we grow and experience life. That said, you don't want to go wooing a woman with flowers and spoiling her for 6 months to then pull back and just be casual. As Gaeta said, start out as you plan to continue. Anyway, I'm assuming this has happened to you in the past. And I'm assuming you talked about it with her. In what ways did she say you'd changed? 2
alphamale Posted September 12, 2018 Posted September 12, 2018 when a woman says "you've changed" it usually refers to her man gaining weight
Author Garcon1986 Posted September 12, 2018 Author Posted September 12, 2018 My ex didn't really say this to me but I was warned not to spoil my ex too much, otherwise after you put a ring on it, she will be frustrated that you've changed, if you don't spoil her as much as you did in the past. I'm pretty clear headed on this one. I was fishing for more subtle things that might cause that reaction. Under no circumstances would I ever yell at a woman or hit her, I would however stand my ground if I think my core values are being compromised. I've not recently been on the receiving end of this as I'm still looking =D
todreaminblue Posted September 12, 2018 Posted September 12, 2018 i feel the you have changed in your post is not a good change.....so i write from that perspective..... you dropped the ball it happens .....when peopleget comfortable in their relationship and dont make as much effort or work as hard....become...complacent..this might not be with you ...i do not know the change you have made ...but you do......what is that change and how can you pick it back up ...the ball i mean...you can you know....get that ball back....deb....
basil67 Posted September 12, 2018 Posted September 12, 2018 My ex didn't really say this to me but I was warned not to spoil my ex too much, otherwise after you put a ring on it, she will be frustrated that you've changed, if you don't spoil her as much as you did in the past. I'm pretty clear headed on this one. I was fishing for more subtle things that might cause that reaction. Is there any reason you couldn't treat her in a thoughtful way and continue it after you're married? A ring shouldn't change the way we interact with our partner. More subtle changes? Perhaps you would frequently go out to dinners or doing nice stuff together and then later on not be bothered to make the effort. It could be going from gainful employment to not caring to get a job. Caring about how you look to not caring. Changing from spending sunday mornings together in bed with coffee the news to getting up at 5am to go running. It's everything. Anything we change about ourselves will affect our partner in one way or another. The question is, is it a good change or a bad change? 2
Lotsgoingon Posted September 12, 2018 Posted September 12, 2018 (edited) When people tell me "you've changed" usually that's high praise, because I'm always working on myself. So your use of the term is vague ... everybody changes ... every day ... Change can be good. I know so many people trying to change various habits, trying to be healthier, trying to look at life in a happier way. So I reject the premise that "you've changed" is a problem. Now if you mean that you super-social when dating someone ... and then later you stop being social ... OK, that can happen. Is that what you're talking about? If that is what you're talking about, then you want to bring your courting side and your real day-to-day life side closer together. Edited September 12, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 2
Gaeta Posted September 12, 2018 Posted September 12, 2018 My ex didn't really say this to me but I was warned not to spoil my ex too much, otherwise after you put a ring on it, she will be frustrated that you've changed, if you don't spoil her as much as you did in the past. Does this mean your intentions were to spoil her only temporarily? In what way did you spoil her? Was it by being helpful? buying her presents? giving her compliments? Were these friends happy in their own relationships? I personally like to get advice from happy couples, not the bitter ones. 1
Author Garcon1986 Posted September 15, 2018 Author Posted September 15, 2018 I took her on a trip because it seemed to come naturally in the relationship, it was two people looking to bond. I was a bit worried about being told "we don't go on trips enough" after the relationship went forward. I indeed still intended to go on trips after the ring. As far as the smaller stuff, I showed small indicators of affection a couple times a week, meaning the usual stuff - hugging, kissing, cooking together, cards, calls, texts etc. As far as I know the friends who told me that were happy in their relationships at the time.
Gaeta Posted September 15, 2018 Posted September 15, 2018 I took her on a trip because it seemed to come naturally in the relationship, it was two people looking to bond. I was a bit worried about being told "we don't go on trips enough" after the relationship went forward. I indeed still intended to go on trips after the ring. As far as the smaller stuff, I showed small indicators of affection a couple times a week, meaning the usual stuff - hugging, kissing, cooking together, cards, calls, texts etc. As far as I know the friends who told me that were happy in their relationships at the time. Holy cow! and they considered that spoiling her?? To me those are the MINIMUM a man should do in a NEW relationship. I'd expect much more involvement on both part if it's dating over 6 months. 1
smackie9 Posted September 15, 2018 Posted September 15, 2018 Generally speaking, when a lady says "you've changed" I find that she's usually referring to a lack of effort, romance or affection from the guy that makes her feel disconnected and unloved I guess. A general lack of effort on his part. This 100%^^^^ Yes people get comfortable because the honeymoon stage is over....some become lazy in the romance dept, because they feel they don't need to anymore. Women need to feel desired, and appreciated. They need emotional stimulation to feel connected with their partner. Scratchin yer nuts on the couch in yer ginch, watching footie, telling her to get you a beer on a Friday night isn't romantic.
kendahke Posted September 15, 2018 Posted September 15, 2018 Hi, what are some ways to avoid getting into a long term relationship only to have your lady become frustrated that “you’ve changed “? Changed for the better or changed for the worse? And what, from the lady’s perspective, barring mistreatment/ abuse/ yelling, are reasons a lady would do this to a guy? One perspective: The guy has started "phoning it in", not being focus-present, not paying attention to what she is saying/asking about, taking her for granted, adopting a "she's supposed to" as a reason for not expressing appreciation, failing to/disinterested in speaking each other's "love language", not living up to what you've said at the very beginning.
kendahke Posted September 15, 2018 Posted September 15, 2018 I took her on a trip because it seemed to come naturally in the relationship, it was two people looking to bond. I was a bit worried about being told "we don't go on trips enough" after the relationship went forward. I indeed still intended to go on trips after the ring. As far as the smaller stuff, I showed small indicators of affection a couple times a week, meaning the usual stuff - hugging, kissing, cooking together, cards, calls, texts etc. As far as I know the friends who told me that were happy in their relationships at the time. How much of this are you keeping from her and why? Seems to me that you'd avoid all problems if you said all of the above. It's quite clear and to the point and no woman would walk away confused about your intentions.
kendahke Posted September 15, 2018 Posted September 15, 2018 Amending this to add: not paying attention to what she is saying/asking about because you're too busy forming your riposte
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