LisaMara Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 So I joined a dating app pretty much out of boredom and without expectations but met a guy with whom I really hit it off. We have really long conversations (in person and online) about everything and anything. We are both really into literature and fantasy& sci fi movies and have really connected over these shared interests. We met in person 3 weeks ago and have been on a couple of dates since. He is also really my type looks wise and we're both really dedicated to fitness and going to the gym. Sooo I am really fond of him because we seem so compatible. However, I haven't had the best luck with relationships in the past years. I sometimes interpreted too much into something. Now I am being much more cautious which is why I went through his facebook page a little bit (I know stalking isn't cool, sorry) and found out that he was in a long term relationship not long ago. He has only been single for about 4 months before we met IRL. I don't know how long he and his ex have been together but probably 4 years or so... I am just really scared suddenly that I am just a rebound for him to get over his ex. What should I do? How do I keep myself from developing feelings too early? Luckily, we haven't slept together yet and I prefer to wait because I'm scared to catch feelings.
kendahke Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 You've already caught feelings if you're writing the above. And you have already caught expectations since you've crept through his facebook account. You keep your feelings in check by remembering that he just got out of a relationship 4 months ago. You also need way more information about this so you can make an informed decision, rather than basing it on assumptions because you're afraid to have a conversation. So you're goign to have to find your voice, open your mouth and talk to him so that you both are on the same page, same chapter of the same book. You keep your expectations in check by remembering that your involvement only has the legs to support a new relationship; it doesn't have the legs to run fast/get ahead of yourselves or to carry a lot of unresolved baggage brought from the last relationship. Chances are, you are a rebound girl. To keep that boat steady, you're going to have to living in the now and do not indulge any talk or thoughts about you and him and the future. He and his ex may reconcile---it's been known to happen---so don't let yourself start planning T'giving/Xmas/NY's activities until it's quite clear that he's present and 100% available to go forward with you in this. 1
ExtraSpice Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 You could be a rebound or maybe he has genuine interest. Hard to figure out what the other person is thinking and sometimes their actions don't represent their feelings either. So best you can do is just control your own actions and intentions. Feelings can be difficult to control. You obviously have feelings already as kendahke stated since you wrote this post. However, you can just keep yourself grounded in reality by not engaging in too many scenarios of the future. No need to fantasize you and him being in a serious relationship until there are clear signs it is going that direction. And if you feel that it is going there then you can bring up your concerns in a responsible way and discuss them. However, people who are out of serious relationships tend to have a lot of lingering emotions for their ex for some time. Which is understandable. The strength of these emotions is somewhat dictated by the circumstances of the separation. It's good to understand that moving forward. A lot of times people don't realize that someone is jut a rebound to them until they are in the relationship and see the incompatibilities that they overlooked in the beginning. Anyways if possible just try to enjoy the dates, and no harm in going on other dates as well. Also snooping around facebook or whatever tends to not be too beneficial. Best of luck.
d0nnivain Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 Looking at somebody's FB page is hardly stalking. If he's not talking about his EX, assume he's over it. Not everybody carries a torch for months. When you find yourself romanticizing this new 3 week old romance, just tell yourself to slow down. Then slow down. Remind yourself that you still have a year of 1sts to get through. For now, set your sights no farther forward then Halloween. Even that is too much. Just take it one date at a time.
Author LisaMara Posted September 12, 2018 Author Posted September 12, 2018 Thanks a lot for the replies. You all are right that I should stop looking too much into the future and keep my head grounded in reality. The thing is, I don't usually get emotionally attached easily, it seems to only happen when I meet someone I really connect with, someone with whom I have an intellectual bond and also find physically attractive. I just rarely come across men who read anymore and he is more well read than I am... So you could basically say that I've come to think of this guy as someone really special because of these qualities. In the past, I have been on so many dates with guys I met at parties and online and none of them truly sparked my interest. So it's more easily said than done to keep my expectations in check.. It sounds completely rational but I still can't help my mind from wandering sometimes?
smackie9 Posted September 12, 2018 Posted September 12, 2018 There are times the emotional disconnect happened long before the breakup. So it's possible he's already moved on from it. Not everyone fresh out of a relationship don't want to be in one or can't be in one. there are guys that prefer a relationship over going out and smashing every chick in sight. Especially if they meet someone that ticks off all their expectations, because you never know when you meet "the one". It's early days still, so just give it a few more dates, and see if he brings it up, and have that conversation. I think it's worth the risk, because you never know.
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