Opened up to me then called me a Stage 5 Clinger to mutual friends and sister!

September 11, 2018

I’ve been pretty quiet on this forum for a while. After about two years of being an emotional punching bag in a serious relationship, my partner told me he didn’t want to be with me anymore and we’ve been broken up for 5 months.

Two weeks ago I finally branched out and tried to see someone new. I have been dodging guys left and right but this time I took a chance and reached out to a friend of my sister and her boyfriend. He had mentioned to her that he thought I was cute and I thought he was cute, so I reached out.

First date was excellent. We strolled around. He bought me sushi. We discussed our painful past relationships (especially my most recent ex and his) and I mentioned I never had the best luck with guys so I wasn’t looking for a fling but I wasn’t looking to rush either. We made out, sparks flew. On my way home he texted me saying he was so glad I took a chance on him and he hasn’t had this much fun in a while.

Second date, he asks to meet my mom. I meet his parents. We hang out at his place and ahem. He texts me later that night and all of the next morning.

Third date. I ask him if he wants to hang out again. He said he’d love to. I come down to his area and he takes me to dinner. Then we go back to his place where I meet the rest of his family. At this point I’ve met his mom, dad, aunt, grandma and great aunt. Keep in mind this is a Hispanic family so it’s not that unusual that parents, aunts, errbody is living in one roof. It was a big house, but I digress. We spend the whole night talking and even giving those “21 questions to fall in love” a go. I fall asleep at his place. In the morning I rush off to work.

That day my sister told me to invite him to Game Night. At this point I thought it’d be much but I figured since we were all friends why not. So I did. No response. Huh. Gave him a call. No answer. Okay. I went home to shower and he finally responded saying he’d love to go to Game Night. So he shows up and we all play and have a good time. But he’s being a little annoying and standoffish. I brush it off and after some playful banter he asks me to go home with him and I do. In the morning his dad makes me breakfast. I’m not kidding.

I tell the guy I really like him and am torn with wanting to take things slow or wanting more. I didn’t say I wanted a relationship outright because I knew it was too soon but I implied that I was thinking about it. He says he doesn’t know what he wants. I knew it was the Swan Song but he then invited me to come over for dinner the next day and I say yes. We talked about possibly getting together that day. I invite him to the dog park and he says he’ll join me but then calls to cancel last minute and to call him later to see if we’ll hang or whatever. Ok cool. I call him later that night. No answer. Left a text saying I’ll just stay in and that my sister wanted a favor.

Next day I wait for him to text me about dinner. Around 5 I give him a call to confirm because at that point he hadn’t responded to my previous texts and my friend had invited me out. No answer. I leave a text asking if dinner was still on. No answer. 7 pm I give him one last call. Maybe he’s sleeping? Maybe whatever. No answer. So I leave it alone and go out with my girlfriends.

I get home around midnight and see he had posted something on FB so I knew this dude wasn’t dead. So I text him asking why he blew me off.

The next day he texted me saying he was sorry. That we were moving too fast and he just wanted to give me space. I told him he could have just communicated that to me and that ghosting me outright was hurtful because I had opened up to him the way he did. He said he was sorry and for me to never feel like I couldn’t open up to him. Sensitive bull hockey insert here. I played it off like a mature adult.

And the truth came out. He was telling our mutual friends that he needed space from me and I was calling him 16 times. He even went as far as to tell my own sister I was a “Stage 5 Clinger.”

When I finally confronted him a week later he played if off like I made out what happened between us more than it was and I was blowing everything out of proportion. That it was a joke and he never meant to hurt me. That he wanted to leave things as they were. I told him he could have just told me to my face instead of humiliating me to our mutual friends and to not speak about me. And then he said it, “I won’t. You’re the last thing on my mind these days, no offense.” Wow. I wanted to say something spiteful but instead I took the high road and told him that was very hurtful and to have a nice life. To which I got a peace hands emoji.

Am I missing something here? I wasn’t expecting a serious relationship right away but with the way he was acting prior to the blow off I thought he’d at least be mature and tell me if he was cooling off. Is there something wrong with me that guys always leave? And yes I know there is more to life than relationships and I’m going to therapy to see why I place too much value on them but it still hurts. It really hurts. Maybe it was too soon. I spent two years with someone who never said he loved me. I just wanted to be around someone who might actually like me. And he didn’t.

So was I really that clingy? Or was he just a jerk? Thoughts?

Edited September 11, 2018 by SweetCharity

September 11, 2018

Well, the one thing he said is that you called him 16 times. That is going way overboard. I know you thought maybe he was asleep and were trying to wake him up but that wouldn't actually endear you to anyone either. So the first thing I would learn from this is call once and leave a message and don't keep calling because it is very annoying to any and all.

My best guess is he probably is telling the truth when he said things were moving too fast. It was really too early to be talking about all that stuff. My advice is just to try to be entertaining and fun on the first few dates. Most guys don't go out hoping to get an earful about a past relationship or the damage it did, followed by someone moving on them too fast saying they might be ready to dive in again. I mean you know how it is when someone does that for serious. You can't help but be a little spooked by it. Because it's too soon and it's too intense too soon.

the third thing that may or may not be going on is you just went out with him enough times to start finding out who he really is and that he isn't that considerate and doesn't mind keeping a girl waiting. In which case no big loss right? It's probably a combination.

So no more repeat contacting someone who hasn't contacted you back.

Leave the heavy emotional stuff for much later and just have fun on the first few dates and don't be too intense.

It really doesn't pay to spill your guts to men. It can very often backfire.

just try to chill the next time you go out with someone and have fun. Good luck.

Edited September 11, 2018 by preraph

September 11, 2018

You where indeed moving very fast. That wasn’t entirely your fault though. Meeting mom on a second date? Culture is irrelevant in this case; but that’s way to soon.

September 11, 2018

Well, the one thing he said is that you called him 16 times. That is going way overboard. I know you thought maybe he was asleep and were trying to wake him up but that wouldn't actually endear you to anyone either. So the first thing I would learn from this is call once and leave a message and don't keep calling because it is very annoying to any and all.

My best guess is he probably is telling the truth when he said things were moving too fast. It was really too early to be talking about all that stuff. My advice is just to try to be entertaining and fun on the first few dates. Most guys don't go out hoping to get an earful about a past relationship or the damage it did, followed by someone moving on them too fast saying they might be ready to dive in again. I mean you know how it is when someone does that for serious. You can't help but be a little spooked by it. Because it's too soon and it's too intense too soon.

the third thing that may or may not be going on is you just went out with him enough times to start finding out who he really is and that he isn't that considerate and doesn't mind keeping a girl waiting. In which case no big loss right? It's probably a combination.

So no more repeat contacting someone who hasn't contacted you back.

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I did NOT call him 16 times. Only twice. The point was that he lied about me to our friends. When everyone found out they called him out on it. He also for some reason felt the need to give me an earful on his ex and how "horrible" she was to him. I thought we were just kindred spirits. Obviously not.

September 11, 2018

Did you have sex with him?

September 11, 2018

Well, clearly you know this guy is not the one... He sounds quite immature. Best he show you this early before you waste any more time. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

September 11, 2018

Did you have sex with him?

Yes. On our second date. He kept texting me after that so I figured he wasn't just trying to get into my pants. I was wrong.

September 11, 2018

Well, clearly you know this guy is not the one... He sounds quite immature. Best he show you this early before you waste any more time. I'm sorry it didn't work out.

Thank you. I'm just disappointed that this keeps happening. I even told him so and that I wasn't looking to get hurt again. He made it seem like we were in the same boat so I really thought he wouldn't act the way he did.

September 11, 2018

He started to pull back and you recognized that, but you continued to chase. That was your error. You should've mirrored his actions and pulled back.

That day my sister told me to invite him to Game Night. At this point I thought it’d be much but I figured since we were all friends why not. So I did. No response. Huh. Gave him a call. No answer. Okay. I went home to shower and he finally responded saying he’d love to go to Game Night. So he shows up and we all play and have a good time. But he’s being a little annoying and standoffish. I brush it off and after some playful banter he asks me to go home with him and I do. In the morning his dad makes me breakfast. I’m not kidding.

I'm not super clear on the timeline, but it sounds like date three and Game night were two days in a row? You recognized that this might be too much, but then you asked him anyway. He went (maybe he should've declined), but he was starting to feel overwhelmed. This is not uncommon when things move quickly.

I tell the guy I really like him and am torn with wanting to take things slow or wanting more. I didn’t say I wanted a relationship outright because I knew it was too soon but I implied that I was thinking about it. He says he doesn’t know what he wants.

Too soon to be having this discussion, especially when he had been acting standoffish and annoying. And he pretty clearly told you he didn't know what he wanted. This should've been a flag to you to pull back.

I knew it was the Swan Song but he then invited me to come over for dinner the next day and I say yes. We talked about possibly getting together that day. I invite him to the dog park and he says he’ll join me but then calls to cancel last minute and to call him later to see if we’ll hang or whatever. Ok cool. I call him later that night. No answer. Left a text saying I’ll just stay in and that my sister wanted a favor.

I'm not sure why he invited you to dinner, other than that he did like you and was trying to figure out how he was feeling. But your inner gut was telling you something was off, so at this point you really should've started pulling back and letting him take the lead. The text you sent on this night was unnecessary. He told you to call and you did, so you should've left it at that.

Next day I wait for him to text me about dinner. Around 5 I give him a call to confirm because at that point he hadn’t responded to my previous texts and my friend had invited me out. No answer. I leave a text asking if dinner was still on. No answer. 7 pm I give him one last call. Maybe he’s sleeping? Maybe whatever. No answer. So I leave it alone and go out with my girlfriends.

Look, if he hasn't responded to you, that's when you have to just stop. He hadn't returned your call or texts from the night before, so you shouldn't have started calling and texting him the next day. It sounds like you made three calls/texts in a two hour period. (I'm not saying he's not rude for not responding because he is -- but he was giving you all the signs and you seem to have recognized them, so in the future listen to your gut.)

I get home around midnight and see he had posted something on FB so I knew this dude wasn’t dead. So I text him asking why he blew me off.

Now I'm cringing. If a guy doesn't respond to you and blows you off, just walk away.

And the truth came out. He was telling our mutual friends that he needed space from me and I was calling him 16 times. He even went as far as to tell my own sister I was a “Stage 5 Clinger.”

How many times did you call and text without a response from him? I'm counting at least six. That is excessive, IMO.

Am I missing something here? I wasn’t expecting a serious relationship right away but with the way he was acting prior to the blow off I thought he’d at least be mature and tell me if he was cooling off.

Things moved very quickly and it is not uncommon for a guy to start freaking out. In the future, the best thing to do is to mirror his actions and pull back if you sense him pulling back. Leave him be. He needs to work it out on his own and oftentimes will find his way back. But at the same time, things can be very fragile in the beginning and it is very easy to turn someone off if you start texting of calling too much without a response.

And I do think he played a part in leading you on and could've been nicer about things, but you should really have listened to your gut when you first sensed him being standoffish.

September 11, 2018

I only called 3 times within that 30 time hour span. I do realize it was more than I would have liked but I only do that if I have plans with someone. Idk. I should have followed my instinct I guess.

Edited September 11, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
removed quote

September 11, 2018

Sorry if I wasn't clear. I did NOT call him 16 times. Only twice. The point was that he lied about me to our friends. When everyone found out they called him out on it. He also for some reason felt the need to give me an earful on his ex and how "horrible" she was to him. I thought we were just kindred spirits. Obviously not.

Did you also text him?

September 11, 2018

I only called 3 times within that 30 time hour span. I do realize it was more than I would have liked but I only do that if I have plans with someone. Idk. I should have followed my instinct I guess.

And how many texts in addition to that?

It's important to remember that no response is a response. You don't need to keep following up when someone isn't responding.

September 11, 2018

Between the texting and calling the guy felt like you were clinging to him. Now you know. When a guy makes plans with you and you don't hear from him first to confirm it; text once and if you don't hear back by a specific time make your other plans. No response = not interested.

September 11, 2018

And how many texts in addition to that?

It's important to remember that no response is a response. You don't need to keep following up when someone isn't responding.

Yes I texted as well but definitely not at the "Level 5 Clinger" status. He swears up and down he only called me that as a joke but it's clearly how he feels. We literally had a back and forth for a while before he gave me radio silence so I don't understand why he's making me out to be this clingy person. Before we even went on our first date he was talking about wanting to see where things go and calling me "mi amor." I thought it was a little much but I let it slide.

September 11, 2018

P.S. He's also a friend of my sister's boyfriend so there's a good chance I'm going to see him again. My sister already chewed him out on my behalf and he was roasted left and right by everyone in our mutual circle. So I'm really not sure how I'm going to handle seeing him again after he humiliated me.

September 11, 2018

I think that Clia is right in a sense. You did do a little more than you needed to. If you call or text someone, you should wait for them to reply. If they don't, just continue on with your life. You called and texted him multiple times when he hadn't replied. You didn't need to. Reach out once or twice. Any more than that is unnecessary.

Even if someone loses their phone, they would still find a way to reach out to you if they really wanted to. If the person you're reaching out to doesn't respond, they either don't want to or they may have passed away.

All this being said, this guy is a jerk still. If you played your cards right when he pulled back, he would likely have come running back but even then I would have advised you to kick him to the curb. He will waste your energy and time multiple times because he doesn't know what he wants and still has a lot of growing up to do. You dodged a bullet with this one if you ask me.

September 11, 2018

damn girl you had about a year's worth of action rolled into a week.

It has been my experience that starting off too fast leads to burnout quick. I think you should have said "No, not now" to meeting mom and pop...

September 11, 2018

He is a jerk. You are not a stage 5 clinger--he was a coward who got so scared that he couldn't be an adult and stand in his truth and speak it--and take is butt whippin' for it. He opted for the immature, juvenile, "can't resolve a situation without creating drama" way of resolving this.

Those mutual friends who know you are not going to believe what he said about you. Those that do are not your friends and it's best you find that out sooner than later. Either way, this is no longer a topic of conversation between you and them. Maintain your dignity in this and don't stoop to his level in order to redeem yourself--he's not worth it and he will end up exposing himself for what he is.

I'd have nothing more to do with this cretin.

September 11, 2018

Ok so this guy turned into a insensitive jerk....let's focus on you now. You get very easily influenced by men, and fall into a trap. Time to stick to your expectations of "taking it slow". Don't jump into bed with them like that. Put it into your head that they need to prove to you more than consistent texting, meeting his family. Don't tell them you want to go slow, just divert the date to going out for drinks or go somewhere else. No home dates for awhile. He will get the hint. If he runs away, then you know he wasn't in it for anything else. And don't have your negative, hurtful past in full on in depth conversation. To many this is a huge red flag. If they start the conversation, that should be a huge red flag to you.

A true prospect is a man that wants to call you, wants to take you out, want and really enjoys time with you outside the bedroom , brings you your favorite coffee, is thoughtful, goes out of his way to impress you, listens to you, knows your likes and dislikes, etc. A guy that is a true gentleman, will, dress nice for your dates, opens doors, buys you flowers, gives you compliments, gets to know you, is funny, and positive, and talks about positive things. Set some goals, and expectations and stick with them and you will meet the man of your dreams. Be vigilant.

September 11, 2018

He is a jerk. You are not a stage 5 clinger--he was a coward who got so scared that he couldn't be an adult and stand in his truth and speak it--and take is butt whippin' for it. He opted for the immature, juvenile, "can't resolve a situation without creating drama" way of resolving this.

Those mutual friends who know you are not going to believe what he said about you. Those that do are not your friends and it's best you find that out sooner than later. Either way, this is no longer a topic of conversation between you and them. Maintain your dignity in this and don't stoop to his level in order to redeem yourself--he's not worth it and he will end up exposing himself for what he is.

I'd have nothing more to do with this cretin.

Yeah my sister warned him I've been through a lot and not to mess with me. That I just want to be loved. He brushes it off and messes with me anyhow.

September 11, 2018

Ok so this guy turned into a insensitive jerk....let's focus on you now. You get very easily influenced by men, and fall into a trap. Time to stick to your expectations of "taking it slow". Don't jump into bed with them like that. Put it into your head that they need to prove to you more than consistent texting, meeting his family. Don't tell them you want to go slow, just divert the date to going out for drinks or go somewhere else. No home dates for awhile. He will get the hint. If he runs away, then you know he wasn't in it for anything else. And don't have your negative, hurtful past in full on in depth conversation. To many this is a huge red flag. If they start the conversation, that should be a huge red flag to you.

A true prospect is a man that wants to call you, wants to take you out, want and really enjoys time with you outside the bedroom , brings you your favorite coffee, is thoughtful, goes out of his way to impress you, listens to you, knows your likes and dislikes, etc. A guy that is a true gentleman, will, dress nice for your dates, opens doors, buys you flowers, gives you compliments, gets to know you, is funny, and positive, and talks about positive things. Set some goals, and expectations and stick with them and you will meet the man of your dreams. Be vigilant.

Three problem is that even if a guy does all these things I never know if it from a place of sincerity. At this point I'm ready to give up. A different guy asked me out for coffee and I'm to freaked out to even bother.

September 11, 2018

One thing that I think would go a long way to helping to keep perspective is to not meet one another's families early on--because in the grand scheme of things, that's meaningless. It doesn't mean you're going to be a part of it or that he thinks there is more he wants from you or anything else. Unless there is a direct declaration of you two taking things further, meeting the family is nothing more than you meeting some people he knows.

Don't assume anything. Don't assume you're on the same page if it's early days and especially if you're both going at lightening speed.

If things are going down a particular path that you're not ready to go down, open your mouth and speak up about it. Don't be afraid of scaring anyone off by telling them that they're going too fast. You're not there to outrun his fears.

Another thing: give the texting a rest. Emotionally well adjusted people do not like being inundated with texts. Not everyone is attached to their phone and texting--just be sensitive to that and make adjustments.

Learn how to self-soothe. If he doesn't get back to you--unless it's a dire emergency--shift your focus onto something else and don't let yourself get worked up over him not returning a text.

September 11, 2018

Three problem is that even if a guy does all these things I never know if it from a place of sincerity. At this point I'm ready to give up. A different guy asked me out for coffee and I'm to freaked out to even bother.

Seriously? I think you misunderstood the process of dating. There are no guarantees period. You said "IF" a guy. Have your ever had a guy like this? Coming close doesn't count. If a guy was head over heels for you, why would he dump you? He wouldn't, He did because he doesn't feel that way, and yes it can feel unfair when you do like them a lot...but that is just life. You have that choice too right? You dump those who don't hit the mark with you, so how can it be any different with a guy dating you.

I say spend more time getting to know another, rather than complicate things with past relationship issues, and a serious need to know there intentions right then and there. We have posted several times to others about this topic. It's best to keep sex off the table and when it does happen or just before, talk of exclusivity can be addressed then. Gotta play it smart. There are things to watch out for, body language, do their actions match their words, and are your expectations being fulfilled. There are things to check off as things progress. Towards the end of my dating days I pretty much had this down pat. Date some one for a few weeks or a couple of months, and I kicked them to the curb pretty quickly at the first sign of trouble. Was I guarded, yup somewhat, but I was open to giving it a chance but not enough if it was going to waste my time.

Oh and BTW, meeting someone that had the same relationship issues is not kindred spirits, it's bad juju.

Edited September 11, 2018 by smackie9

September 11, 2018

Seriously? I think you misunderstood the process of dating. There are no guarantees period. You said "IF" a guy. Have your ever had a guy like this? Coming close doesn't count. If a guy was head over heels for you, why would he dump you? He wouldn't, He did because he doesn't feel that way, and yes it can feel unfair when you do like them a lot...but that is just life. You have that choice too right? You dump those who don't hit the mark with you, so how can it be any different with a guy dating you.

I say spend more time getting to know another, rather than complicate things with past relationship issues, and a serious need to know there intentions right then and there. We have posted several times to others about this topic. It's best to keep sex off the table and when it does happen or just before, talk of exclusivity can be addressed then. Gotta play it smart. There are things to watch out for, body language, do their actions match their words, and are your expectations being fulfilled. There are things to check off as things progress. Towards the end of my dating days I pretty much had this down pat. Date some one for a few weeks or a couple of months, and I kicked them to the curb pretty quickly at the first sign of trouble. Was I guarded, yup somewhat, but I was open to giving it a chance but not enough if it was going to waste my time.

Oh and BTW, meeting someone that had the same relationship issues is not kindred spirits, it's bad juju.

I dated a guy for a month who told me he did all the perfect boyfriend things because he thought he was supposed to. Not because he actually liked me. I dated a guy for 9 months who told me he loved me but at the end of it told me he only did it because I pressured him to. Then I dated a guy for two years who never said he loved me but now that I'm trying to move on all of a sudden wants to try again even though I know it's more out of possessiveness than actual love. My first love of two years to this day isn't over me but even he dumped me because I wasn't Christian. My rap sheet is awful.

Yes maybe I don't know how dating works but it just seems everyone around me is finding real love and I'm just stuck in quicksand. It shouldn't be this hard.

September 11, 2018

Learn how to self-soothe. If he doesn't get back to you--unless it's a dire emergency--shift your focus onto something else and don't let yourself get worked up over him not returning a text.

I know. I think I might have actual anxiety and am going to seek professional help for it. I was diagnosed with PTSD but I think I might actually have a chemical imbalance that's hinders my ability to connect with people.

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