Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 My boyfriend is saying "you don't want to obviously change". I don't think we need to change for each other if we are happy with who we are. He says if I want to marry him, I need to change & work with him. He says he also needs to change. I said couples grow together. They are whole people coming together to build a life, not chip away at each other & modify each other to suit each other. Now I'm not sure who's right. He said in the past I spent too long being single which contributed to me being too independent. I have had one other boyfriend last year soi do know how relationships kinda work. But before then I was single for like 13 & a half years. ok, I get it. It's a long time. But the strength that was built in me in that time should be celebrated. But instead, he believes it's not a good thing at all. I really like him/love him. But I'm questioning who am I? I was sure & happy & now I'm filled with doubt & insecurity.
CautiouslyOptimistic Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 Reminds me of this clip from the movie Bridesmaids:
Garcon1986 Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 Growing more mature for the other partner's sake is always a good thing. For example, if one person was always suspicious of the other partner's actions, due to past histories of being hurt, the person who is suspicious could do well to check they are completely healed from the past issues, if there is no evidence of any wrongdoing. The person who is being suspicious should apologize for putting the partner in a very uncomfortable situation, and move on. Another example - the wife is annoyed about the husband watching TV too much and not spending time with her. A conversation should be had in this scenario and some sort of compromise be made. It is reasonable for the husband to like TV, but it is unreasonable to spend hours at the expense of sharing attention with the wife. Something as ingrained as a love language however, such as the man feels validated by his wife allowing him to provide solutions to problems she is having, is very unlikely to change. If the lady keeps pouting about "oh my man isn't listening", remember that in a man's world, being allowed to provide solutions is part and parcel of being a good man. The man can learn to listen more attentively however, but the aspect of wanting to provide solutions, will never change. In a woman's world you don't provide solutions to a woman who is actively venting because she's doing it for the privilege of having someone listen to her. She'll ask for a solution in her own time. I think you can rescue this conflict - don't let a good relationship die because you are fighting over the manner in which you are fighting.
mortensorchid Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 Growing and changing are two different things. When a person grows that means they are maturing. If they are changing, that can be in a good or a bad way. 1
preraph Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 I already don't like this guy's attitude from your last thread, rushing you into marriage. And now he's made it pretty clear he expects you to do whatever he wants, so I don't see the up side of this. You were on your own, and literally everyone should live alone for some years before they make big decisions. He's talking about change. You're the one who has lived on her own and developed herself into her own person without living under someone's influence. Can he say the same? I think he wants you to make all the changes to cater to him so that his life just stays the same but with sex. I'm not kidding. That's what I'm hearing between these two threads. He is the one adverse to change, so he's trying to pressure you into making all the changes to mold you into what he's used to but with sex. He sounds very controlling and dictatorial. 2
basil67 Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 I think there are tweaks we all make when getting together with a partner. It mostly in the area of compromise. I guess it comes down to just how big the changes are and how onerous they are on you. And whether or not it will mean a virtual personality exchange. Let's look at what he wants and figure out if they are reasonable requests: He says that you're too independent. What does he mean by this? And how does your independent nature affect him? And what does he feel that he needs to change?
BaileyB Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 (edited) He says if I want to marry him, I need to change & work with him. He said in the past I spent too long being single which contributed to me being too independent. What exactly does he mean by this? Does he mean, "you have been single so you are used to doing your own thing and you need to be more considerate of his feelings/wants in the relationship..." Or does he mean, "You are too independent, which is either inconvenient or threatening to him and thus, you need to change to accommodate to what he wants and needs..." The first, is consideration and compromise - all good things in a relationship. The second is controlling and manipulative. I will say, I had been single for a LONG time when I met my boyfriend. Same for him, after his marriage ended. Neither one of us had to "change" to be together... And, if he told me I needed to "work with him" and "change" if I WANTED to marry him... I would tell him to keep looking. That's not good. Edited September 9, 2018 by BaileyB 4
Lotsgoingon Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 (edited) There are potential red flags here. You should NEVER EVER assume anyone will change one bit after a marriage. Never. Ever! People don't change after marriage unless they in their own way want to change--they don't change really for another person. Change is extremely hard--ridiculously hard. Change can take decades ... if it happens at all. Marry based on who the person is right now. You don't want to assume anyone is going to change. On you being single for a long time ... that he objects to that ... that's a red flag to me. I would be careful about a relationship where a guy has got a woman on the defensive and apologizing for being single for a long time. Perfect setup to manipulation and criticism in the future. What is his specific complaint about your "independence"? And how exactly are you supposed to change? Edited September 9, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 2
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 10, 2018 Author Posted September 10, 2018 He has said he's sorry that I was single too long and it's pretty obvious that I'm not used to being in a relationship. I'm okay with it now. Sometimes delays make us stronger more appreciative people when the real deal comes. He doesn't like being single. He says when women or men are too independent they don't know how to be in a relationship. That isn't true. I've had a relationship for ten months last year & its not like i was born and raised in a convent before then. The relationships with brothers & sisters, friends & family are equally valuable & can prepare you for the right person if these relationships are healthy. Im confused because i want to please him but he just wants to make me awesome. Encourages me to the gym & eat well which i do. He has even brought me new clothes. I'm confused now. Im okay with me. Im not sure if he's okay with him or me.
Garcon1986 Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 The red flag you just mentioned is that the chap is uncomfortable with the woman being too independent. 2
BaileyB Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 How exactly is it that you are not used to being in a relationship? Because seriously, you were in a relationship just last year... Be cautious, any guy who thinks he know more or better than you do is really arrogant and/or really confused... Don't let him cause you to question yourself. You know who you are and what you want... The question should be, is this guy it? 1
basil67 Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 He has said he's sorry that I was single too long and it's pretty obvious that I'm not used to being in a relationship. I'm okay with it now. Sometimes delays make us stronger more appreciative people when the real deal comes. He doesn't like being single. He says when women or men are too independent they don't know how to be in a relationship. That isn't true. I've had a relationship for ten months last year & its not like i was born and raised in a convent before then. The relationships with brothers & sisters, friends & family are equally valuable & can prepare you for the right person if these relationships are healthy. Im confused because i want to please him but he just wants to make me awesome. Encourages me to the gym & eat well which i do. He has even brought me new clothes. I'm confused now. Im okay with me. Im not sure if he's okay with him or me. ABORT ABORT. This guy is beyond patronising! He's sorry you were single for so long because it's obvious that you're not used to being in a relationship? Such a tosser thing to say. Glad that you know his statements about your independence are untrue. Out of curiousity, did you ask for help with your diet, gym and style...or did he take it upon himself to change you? Add there's the bit you mentioned in a previous post about him being uptight and proper. How's he going to cope if you laugh too loud/make a show of yourself/fart in bed? He'd probably go all mortified on your behalf. I'm sure he's got a long list of redeeming qualities, or else you wouldn't still be with him. But I fear that a long relationship with him will stifle you. 5
No_Go Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 Daisy this guy so reminds me of my ex (the Christian guy I wrote about in your other thread).... He was same - rushing, telling me I'm too independent, too different, too unsuited for a committed relationship... honestly, whatever he said just reflected I wasn't what he was looking for but he thought he'll overpower me and mold me into his perfect fit. Well, things ended badly but I'm SO happy they ended. The biggest blessing of my life if you want. BF now just meshes with me and makes me better, never asked me or expected me to do something to fit his mold... I am obviously the same person, so you're getting my logic where the difference is coming from... 3
Lotsgoingon Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 (edited) Encourages me to the gym & eat well which i do. He has even brought me new clothes. No, no, no ... This strikes me NOT as encouraging but as intrusive and controlling. What you want is a partner who encourages you to go after your big goals and dreams ... not someone who reminds you to exercise ... or comments on your eating! ... And he bought you new clothes? ... Not bad on its own ... but combined with gym and eating intrusiveness ... sounds controlling ... I'm confused because i want to please him but he just wants to make me awesome. Hold on ... a combo punch there: You want to please him? No! ... You want to see him be happy and do well ... you want to encourage him to go after his big dreams. You want to be loving. No, you do NOT want to "please" him ... is this guy some medieval king with a royal court?!!! You want to be yourself and it happens that your best self is what he really likes. He wants to make you more awesome? ... No, you marry someone because flaws and all, exercise or no exercise, you think they are awesome. Awesome right now! So yeah, there is reason you're confused. You're being pushed around by this controlling guy. One thing most decent guys now know is to stay away from commenting on a woman's weight ... or her exercise habits ... or eating ... This guy is violating guidelines even backward guys know about these days. How did you let him hook you into this system? ... Or am I missing something? Edited September 10, 2018 by Lotsgoingon 3
mortensorchid Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 It's hard to say. In some ways, some say that used men are better. They made the commitment, they realize and acknowledge their mistakes, and they are going to do things better the second time around should a second chance come their way. That's growing. Changing? Well, yes, people can and do change in small ways, but don't expect a drastic one. Don't expect that this person is going to go from a Bad Boy to a Nice Guy, for example. He'll always be bad, but he'll stop doing certain things after a certain point and move onto other things just as bad. Will they get worse? Well ... That's another debate.
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 (edited) So this guy knows everything about relationships BUT no one wanted to marry him so far...now you know why. This guy wants to rush you into a marriage before you discover what a controlling freak he is. When you're in a relationship you can make some modifications to your habits to be convenient to your partner like put less salt in your cooking. You can also accept some important differences like he hates holidays while you're holiday-crazy. But you can never *change* someone in who they are at the core. Example my BF hates holidays and I am holiday-crazy. I accept this side of him, he accepts this side of me. I don't try to change him by forcing him to celebrate with me and he doesn't try to change me by making me stay with him instead of celebrating with friends & family. We accept each other as we are. I was single for close to 10 years. It shaped me into an assertive, strong, self-reliant woman, you are right this is something to celebrate! Your BF should view this as something positive, that will make you an equal partner, one he can lean on. Ask yourself why would he want a woman that depends on him? . Edited September 10, 2018 by Gaeta 3
preraph Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 He has said he's sorry that I was single too long and it's pretty obvious that I'm not used to being in a relationship. I'm okay with it now. Sometimes delays make us stronger more appreciative people when the real deal comes. He doesn't like being single. He says when women or men are too independent they don't know how to be in a relationship. That isn't true. I've had a relationship for ten months last year & its not like i was born and raised in a convent before then. The relationships with brothers & sisters, friends & family are equally valuable & can prepare you for the right person if these relationships are healthy. Im confused because i want to please him but he just wants to make me awesome. Encourages me to the gym & eat well which i do. He has even brought me new clothes. I'm confused now. Im okay with me. Im not sure if he's okay with him or me. He's not okay with you. He's super controlling and he's going to be a major pain in the butt because he's never going to be satisfied and, more importantly, you are never going to be able to just be yourself. It's too much stress. You need to feel accepted and comfortable as you are before marrying someone. He is not good. 2
kendahke Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 My boyfriend is saying "you don't want to obviously change". I don't think we need to change for each other if we are happy with who we are. He says if I want to marry him, I need to change & work with him. He says he also needs to change. I said couples grow together. They are whole people coming together to build a life, not chip away at each other & modify each other to suit each other. Now I'm not sure who's right. All change involves growth, but not all growth involves change. Change is something that has to be done of one's volition, not because someone is on them to change---because they will end up reverting to who they cannot help but being: themselves. If neither of you can accept the other without them undergoing a fundamental and likely unsustainable change just to make the other happy, then your relationship will run itself aground faster than you'll expect. He said in the past I spent too long being single which contributed to me being too independent. And what is his remedy for you being "too independent"? For you to have gotten into enough bad relationships so as to squash your independence to a manageable point for him? That makes absolutely no sense. And what is "too independent"? I have had one other boyfriend last year soi do know how relationships kinda work. But before then I was single for like 13 & a half years. ok, I get it. It's a long time. But the strength that was built in me in that time should be celebrated. But instead, he believes it's not a good thing at all. I really like him/love him. But I'm questioning who am I? I was sure & happy & now I'm filled with doubt & insecurity. Don't let anyone set you up to start doubting yourself and certainly put the leash back on your love/like of him---because he's telling you that who/what you are is a problem that needs changing before he'll fully invest. That is what you need to be focusing on here, not trying to find ways to stay with someone who rejects who you are. 3
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