Months later, I'm exhausted with these emotions

[sickoflove11]

I don't understand why I am always attracted to guys who end up rejecting me, but I am never interested in those who seem to actually care about me.

 

I'm still hung up on the guy I was last with, even though I know it's for the best that it ended.

 

I just want someone to spend time with, and get to know on a deeper level. I want someone who wants that with me. I have 1 close girl friend who lives near me that I see every so often, but it's not the same. I'm craving a male closeness/relationship and my mind keeps going back to the most recent guy I was with. It's like I keep obsessing over him, when I know he's no good for me. I wish he would reach out, but at the same time I know that would be bad.

 

I'm just having so many emotions. OLD has not worked for me, I've had so many guys message me for awhile and then just disappear. I really want to take this guy I can't stop thinking about off this pedestal I have him on in my mind. It's been months, why can't I get past this. I want to move past this.

[Garcon1986]

My sympathies that you are going through this rough time. I know a lot of times, people go for the most interesting partner they can see and take it where it goes, and then try to change what they don't like. Maybe you need to try dating specifically to look for the kind and LTR guys that you seek out? Possibly seek out the local church, so that you have the benefit of some "pre-selection", of guys who won't use you just for the excitement? It sounds like you are tired of being burned by guys who just seek out the excitement and aren't willing to put in the work required of a long term relationship. The other side of the coin is, can you think of any reasons why guys would be pushed away from you, in terms of wanting to bond into a LTR with you? If you do both at the same time you might just get a lot of neat insights. I can name reasons why guys would seek out the excitement in a girl but refuse to do the LTR thing once they know how the lady actually is.

 

For right now find your favorite girlfriends and just have a good effing time, to clear your mind.

[sickoflove11]

My sympathies that you are going through this rough time. I know a lot of times, people go for the most interesting partner they can see and take it where it goes, and then try to change what they don't like. Maybe you need to try dating specifically to look for the kind and LTR guys that you seek out? Possibly seek out the local church, so that you have the benefit of some "pre-selection", of guys who won't use you just for the excitement? It sounds like you are tired of being burned by guys who just seek out the excitement and aren't willing to put in the work required of a long term relationship. The other side of the coin is, can you think of any reasons why guys would be pushed away from you, in terms of wanting to bond into a LTR with you? If you do both at the same time you might just get a lot of neat insights. I can name reasons why guys would seek out the excitement in a girl but refuse to do the LTR thing once they know how the lady actually is.

 

For right now find your favorite girlfriends and just have a good effing time, to clear your mind.

 

Thank you for your kind words. I thought this past guy was looking for long term (because he said so), but I should have realized at 22, still figuring out life, he really wasn't. I just thought he might be different. And he pursued me so I felt wanted and It was nice. The rejection came at a 180 completely (I've made other posts about it I think) so it deeply upsets me I was just beginning to really like him and enjoy our time together and he suddenly didn't.

 

Anyways, enough of reflecting on the past. You are right, these guys are just seeking excitement and maybe I am too, but I want it to last and I want us to be two people who give it a real shot. This guy didn't. Maybe he saw things in me he wouldn't have liked as a LTR, but he said we were exclusive and other things that was very immature to say if he was going to end it shortly after these statements. I'm not religious so I feel going to a church would be wrong. I only have 1 close girl friend, the others have moved away. I'm not in a great area for making connections sadly.

 

Could you maybe name some of the reasons you can think of for seeking out a girl in excitement and then refuse to do LTR?

This guy was a coworker and from what I was told, other people got in his head and convinced him to end it with me. One of those people being his sister, and an ex friend of mine who started a bunch of gossip and drama about me. So I'm sure he didn't want to be involved in any of that. It just really hurts because this girl said such mean things about me that aren't true and he didn't even care to discuss it with me or think she could be the one in the wrong. I think at the first sign of drama he wanted out idk.

[Garcon1986]

There's nothing inherently wrong about asking for excitement in a relationship and keeping things interesting. I believe it's gotta be done in moderation though, as you can't always escape to Iceland and see the Blue Lagoon every time the relationship gets slightly boring

 

That's rough that a lady acquaintance of yours may have ruined your relationship. I'll send you a digital Moscow mule for that.

 

1. She doesn't fight fair.

2. She doesn't make it clear that she in the relationship with long term devotion.

3. She keeps a scorecard of fights, so she can remind him how much he "owes" her next time they fight.

4. The two people don't recognize each other's primary means of validation.

5. There are conflicting core values.

6. She dates other guys in front of his boyfriend to make him jealous or see how he will react.

7. He thinks that he would be unable to deal with her family.

8. He has the impression that there isn't mutual give and take (i.e. she recognizes when he will be late home from work and is willing to have a late dinner, and he offers to help her with stuff in return).

Edited September 9, 2018 by Garcon1986

[I'veseenbetterlol]

I don't understand why I am always attracted to guys who end up rejecting me, but I am never interested in those who seem to actually care about me.

 

I'm still hung up on the guy I was last with, even though I know it's for the best that it ended.

 

I just want someone to spend time with, and get to know on a deeper level. I want someone who wants that with me. I have 1 close girl friend who lives near me that I see every so often, but it's not the same. I'm craving a male closeness/relationship and my mind keeps going back to the most recent guy I was with. It's like I keep obsessing over him, when I know he's no good for me. I wish he would reach out, but at the same time I know that would be bad.

 

I'm just having so many emotions. OLD has not worked for me, I've had so many guys message me for awhile and then just disappear. I really want to take this guy I can't stop thinking about off this pedestal I have him on in my mind. It's been months, why can't I get past this. I want to move past this.

 

I feel for you 100% because that happened to me a lot. After my long distance didn't work out, I went back to online dating. Prior to meeting my bf, there were guys that I really liked that ended up ghosting me or doing something mean. The best approach is to stop caring and have no expectations. After being burned a few times, I stopped getting excited, this stopped me from getting attached too soon.

 

Stop putting this guy on a pedestal, he isn't as great as you think he is because he isn't into you. Nothing personal, but a man who really cares is the one you put on that pedestal. Those fast infatuation type relationships aren't real and are not going to last. You need a guy where everything starts out steady and slow. For the fast flame ones, one party usually loses interest and that connection was a fleeting shallow one.

[Garcon1986]

And to present a balanced assessment, why guys get cold feet (when it has nothing to do with the girl):

1. He can get easy sex elsewhere.

2. He's decided he likes cohabitation better than the attached strings of marriage.

3. He's decided he wants to avoid the financial penalty of divorce.

4. He's not ready to commit to having kids.

5. He thinks there's something about you that doesn't make you his soulmate.

6. He doesn't want to marry someone who has kids.

7. He's not rushed to marry.

8. He feels like the single life is more exciting and doesn't want to live with being bored with one lady.

[sickoflove11]

[/b]

 

I feel for you 100% because that happened to me a lot. After my long distance didn't work out, I went back to online dating. Prior to meeting my bf, there were guys that I really liked that ended up ghosting me or doing something mean. The best approach is to stop caring and have no expectations. After being burned a few times, I stopped getting excited, this stopped me from getting attached too soon.

 

Stop putting this guy on a pedestal, he isn't as great as you think he is because he isn't into you. Nothing personal, but a man who really cares is the one you put on that pedestal. Those fast infatuation type relationships aren't real and are not going to last. You need a guy where everything starts out steady and slow. For the fast flame ones, one party usually loses interest and that connection was a fleeting shallow one.

 

That's what I want. I want to stop putting him on a pedestal and sometimes I feel like I have taken him down, but other times, I forget and put him back up because it's so easy to get down about it all. If that makes sense.

 

But you're so right. This was such a fast, physical connection relationship. Very much infatuation and very shallow. I just don't know why I can't tell my brain this and move on. It seems so simple yet so difficult.

[sickoflove11]

And to present a balanced assessment, why guys get cold feet (when it has nothing to do with the girl):

1. He can get easy sex elsewhere.

2. He's decided he likes cohabitation better than the attached strings of marriage.

3. He's decided he wants to avoid the financial penalty of divorce.

4. He's not ready to commit to having kids.

5. He thinks there's something about you that doesn't make you his soulmate.

6. He doesn't want to marry someone who has kids.

7. He's not rushed to marry.

8. He feels like the single life is more exciting and doesn't want to live with being bored with one lady.

 

 

"5. There are conflicting core values."

 

This from you previous post stands out to me the most. I did realize this afterwards when I could see more clearly.

 

The marriage and kids points don't really apply in this situation but some others really do. The last one is interesting because he said he wanted to be in a relationship, he said he was only talking to me and that we were exclusive. But I get the feeling that may have freaked him out after he said it (i just said ok because I wasn't talking or interesting in anyone else) and then he changed his mind. Whatever, he's a boy. I want someone different, I just want those feelings I had with him back. ugh

[Garcon1986]

Even I've found a new date and I'm mediocre at it. If I can do it, you can do it too

 

Go find your old friendgirl and chat her up if you can. Vent with your family. Alternatively do something near you that's really really fun. Find yourself an outlet.

 

Alternatively have a good laugh here:

 

There are more blokes out there! There are about 3 billion of us.

[I'veseenbetterlol]

That's what I want. I want to stop putting him on a pedestal and sometimes I feel like I have taken him down, but other times, I forget and put him back up because it's so easy to get down about it all. If that makes sense.

 

But you're so right. This was such a fast, physical connection relationship. Very much infatuation and very shallow. I just don't know why I can't tell my brain this and move on. It seems so simple yet so difficult.

 

I would describe the infatuation like a drug high (emotionally speaking). Once that dies, nothing can match that high. This is why you have to be extremely careful about opening yourself up to that. If a guy is moving too fast, being way too nice, seems too good to be true, run the opposite way. These types of people see others as disposable, an ego boost of having someone pursue them despite not having any interest. A good stable person isn't going to be like that. Keep reminding yourself that you want a man who really cares for, not one that you might lose after the initial high of romantic stuff.

[stillafool]

Most guys at the age of 22 are not looking to settle down (more than a couple of months) and then move on to next. Why? because they are young and want to hunt. I think you need to change your picker if you want a settled boyfriend.

[kendahke]

What is the typical timeline of your relationship experiences?

[sickoflove11]

I would describe the infatuation like a drug high (emotionally speaking). Once that dies' date=' nothing can match that high. This is why you have to be extremely careful about opening yourself up to that. If a guy is moving too fast, being way too nice, seems too good to be true, run the opposite way. These types of people see others as disposable, an ego boost of having someone pursue them despite not having any interest. A good stable person isn't going to be like that. Keep reminding yourself that you want a man who really cares for, not one that you might lose after the initial high of romantic stuff.[/quote']

 

Yeah I'm basically kicking myself everyday for not recognizing that sooner. I was just letting him move fast even though I knew I didn't want to jump into anything "official" right away. It seemed he was pursuing me more than I was pursing him so I wasn't too worried. I can't believe I let someone like that affect me at 25. I thought I was smarter and more aware than that.

You're exactly spot on about the "If a guy is moving too fast, being way too nice, seems too good to be true, run". He really fooled me.

[sickoflove11]

What is the typical timeline of your relationship experiences?

 

I dated people from high school age 15-17 not very mature relationship but that was my first. Then dated a someone my senior year into beginning of college (also not super serious, still young). Then I started dating someone else a few months later probably age 18-19. I moved states and we tried to make it work but he cheated with an ex so I moved on.

At almost 20 I dated a new guy for almost a year until he decided to relocate, as did I. After a year apart we both moved back and tried to make it work again but it didn't work out.

Ever since then I haven't officially had a bf. I've had guys admit they liked me and wanted more than friendship, but I didn't. I talked to a guy for a couples months maybe 2 years ago, we went on a date or two and then it ended. Now I had this occurrence with this younger 22 year old and I'm 25 feeling hopeless. The place I live sucks. Its suburban families with mostly high school kids or younger. I'm hoping to move in a year or so.

[Gaeta]

Last time I had a hard time getting rid of a man from my mind I made a list of all the negative things why I was better without him. Each time my mind started thinking about him I'd get that list out and read again why he's better out of my life. It helped.

 

 

 

Also, once you understand that these thoughts you have of him aren't from your heart but from your brain it will be easier to move past them. When we have someone in our life our brain builds pathways as we grow accustomed to them. When they're gone from our life our brain wants to travel these same pathways but it can't, the brain then need to create new pathways without that person, it may take time but it will get there. You can help your brain create new pathways buy chasing these thoughts out of your mind and replacing them with something else. Pick a memory you cherish like a trip you've done, a concert you've enjoyed, and each time the ex pops up in your mind block him out and start thinking of that white-sand beach you love so much.

[kendahke]

I dated people from high school age 15-17 not very mature relationship but that was my first. Then dated a someone my senior year into beginning of college (also not super serious, still young). Then I started dating someone else a few months later probably age 18-19. I moved states and we tried to make it work but he cheated with an ex so I moved on.

At almost 20 I dated a new guy for almost a year until he decided to relocate, as did I. After a year apart we both moved back and tried to make it work again but it didn't work out.

Ever since then I haven't officially had a bf. I've had guys admit they liked me and wanted more than friendship, but I didn't. I talked to a guy for a couples months maybe 2 years ago, we went on a date or two and then it ended. Now I had this occurrence with this younger 22 year old and I'm 25 feeling hopeless. The place I live sucks. Its suburban families with mostly high school kids or younger. I'm hoping to move in a year or so.

 

No, I mean from the moment that there is interest to the moment that it ends... what's the usual time frame that has been your experience?

 

And what was the timeframe for this involvement you're talking about on this thread? I mean from the moment interest was taken to when you started consistent contacting, to when you first kissed/had sex, to when the first inkling of him pulling away (and what precipitated that?) to you both deciding it is over?

[smackie9]

We've all gone down this path. But when you get to my age you see things differently. We have relationships to learn about them, learn about ourselves, learn about what we want and what we don't want. This prepares us for marriage. So having relationships that don't work out is normal, it's trial and error. To him, you were not the one. He wasn't going to waste yours or his time, if he wasn't feeling it. And age might be a factor, but not really. I started dating my husband when he just turned 20. We didn't really think we would be together 28 years later....it just happened. I had several relationships/most short stints before him that didn't work out. It was frustrating but it's just a processes.

 

 

 

What I did to feel better about my situation was make changes. I dropped the "I need a man" and spent my time developing a solid social life, made new friends, and had a lot of fun. So focus on YOU, not him or anyone. It's not going to happen over night, it's time, and how you spend it makes the difference.

[ppc]

Hey you!

 

I'm also 25, and I'm in the same situation. I had a 4.5 years old relationship, since then I only had a 2 months "romance" and I dated a guy for some weeks. He seemed interested, but he rejected me, and cant get over this.

And I'm also suffering from the same, that I want to share my life with somebody and I cant let the guy go, however I know that it wouldnt work out. Im always thinking about him, what if he was the one, I just ruined it. (However I dont think its possible to ruin a true love).

 

Now I feel like I have to let go searching for love, and just live my life. I know it will be really hard, because I also feel like that I wanna love somebody with all my heart.

Now I will try to concentrate on my studies, friends and so on. What about learning a new language? Maybe you can go to a language school, and get new people there. (I will do this!!) Try apps, not dating apps, but other chatting apps, maybe you can get some new friends there too...

 

I really really know how do you feel, but we will get trough this, and find somebody who will love us as much as we cant even imagine!!! Alright?

[sickoflove11]

No, I mean from the moment that there is interest to the moment that it ends... what's the usual time frame that has been your experience?

 

And what was the timeframe for this involvement you're talking about on this thread? I mean from the moment interest was taken to when you started consistent contacting, to when you first kissed/had sex, to when the first inkling of him pulling away (and what precipitated that?) to you both deciding it is over?

 

Ohhh. I can't directly recall past timeframes because those were years ago. The past relationships all seemed to make sense though... We always went with what we felt, each relationship progressed differently and even though they didn't work out, I never felt like this.

 

Interest was taken immediately as we saw each other with the relationship being discussed in this thread. Within maybe 2 or 3 days of us seeing each other at work we exchanged numbers because he said he wanted to hang out with some of us who go out together so I said I could text him when we do. We started texting for a week or two, he went on vacation but texted me almost the entire time when he had service. We planned to hang out when he got back. Just the two of us went to the beach then my neighborhood pool to just lay out. We kissed that night when we said goodbye.

Next time we saw each other he took me out to eat and later we hooked up but not sex. Another time we hung out we watched a movie, and then later I went to one of his soccer games with his parents. The next time he came over to my place and we had sex. So this was about the second week of us seeing each other. We hung out a few days later at his families house, everything seemed great still. No sign of pulling away. Sometimes he'd say he needed to help his family with stuff but then he'd find a way to invite me over after. (Among all these was many deeper conversations about life and how we felt, where we stood, all that). Later that evening is when he texted me that he didn't think it was a good idea that we date even though he likes hanging out with me. I didn't stand up for what I felt because I was just in such shock that I said "ok I agree". I also knew who he was with when he send this message so I was even more irritated and didn't want to act irrational. I wish I wouldn't have waited a few hours to respond to think it through, but too late.

 

So yeah that's the timeline I guess. Maybe a solid month the whole this lasted but it moved so fast and I was just enjoying the excitement. Stupid me.

[sickoflove11]

Hey you!

 

I'm also 25, and I'm in the same situation. I had a 4.5 years old relationship, since then I only had a 2 months "romance" and I dated a guy for some weeks. He seemed interested, but he rejected me, and cant get over this.

And I'm also suffering from the same, that I want to share my life with somebody and I cant let the guy go, however I know that it wouldnt work out. Im always thinking about him, what if he was the one, I just ruined it. (However I dont think its possible to ruin a true love).

 

Now I feel like I have to let go searching for love, and just live my life. I know it will be really hard, because I also feel like that I wanna love somebody with all my heart.

Now I will try to concentrate on my studies, friends and so on. What about learning a new language? Maybe you can go to a language school, and get new people there. (I will do this!!) Try apps, not dating apps, but other chatting apps, maybe you can get some new friends there too...

 

I really really know how do you feel, but we will get trough this, and find somebody who will love us as much as we cant even imagine!!! Alright?

 

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you are also hurting, but it sounds like you're staying positive so that is great! I think this kinda of rejection hurts so much because I also feel blindsided. And I don't like the feeling of not understanding what went wrong. As much as we all can speculate on here and say he didn't feel like I was the one, I still wish I had a real conversation with him, not just a stupid text break up message. But whatever, life doesn't go the way we want. I try to keep busy but somehow he's always there.

Best of luck to you, stay strong.

[ppc]

Thank you for your kind words. I'm sorry you are also hurting, but it sounds like you're staying positive so that is great! I think this kinda of rejection hurts so much because I also feel blindsided. And I don't like the feeling of not understanding what went wrong. As much as we all can speculate on here and say he didn't feel like I was the one, I still wish I had a real conversation with him, not just a stupid text break up message. But whatever, life doesn't go the way we want. I try to keep busy but somehow he's always there.

Best of luck to you, stay strong.

 

Did he block you? Maybe you can ask him. In a nice way, that you just want to understand what and why happened to be more wiser in the future. If he doesnt even reply, you know that he doesnt worth the effort to be sad about him.

 

Now I'm positive. I met the guy who I dated for 2 months, we had a dinner and had a good conversation, also talking about our new dates. It was a really friendly dinner, however you cannot imagine how heartbroken I felt when he broke up with me (but not so much I met somebody new, however I did not expect..) . It didnt work, I knew this too, but hurted like hell when he sit down next to me and made the final step. I never believed that "stay friends" thing happens, but it happened. I will meet him today too, because he is giving me a book. I had this "make things clear" conversation with him.

The guy who just dumped me... I also realized that he wasnt right one (or at least not right now, because the circumstances are the worst). I will meet him this week (hopefully), I also make things clear with him.

What I want to say, that if he didnt block you, maybe it worth a try, to reach oout and ask him.

 

Otherwise what I can suggest, what really really helped is that writing down feelings in a notebook, journal whatever. Write down what do you feel, what do you want to say him. You'll feel better, I promise! Read a good book, go for a run (I did this after the first guy, and since then I'm addicted to run!!) Soon he will fade away.

 

Stay strong sis! :*