Madofeliz Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 Decided to share my story here to get some support and hopefully a different perspective that will help be to heal faster. Me and my ex ended our 3 year relationship nearly 3 months ago, at the beginning of June. For most of a time, due to work commitments, we were in a LDR. We made sure, however, we spent at least a week each month together, either in Poland, or the UK. He made a plan to relocate to my country and we're working towards it together. Last April he changed his mind saying that it's too risky and he's too anxious to leave everything and start somewhere from the scratch. Fair enough. Another issue, which wasn't bothering him until then, was the age difference (he is 25, I'm 10years older). I believe deeply that age is just the number and the only issue connected to it is the social pressure (dealt with it), and sometimes different needs ( talked through it and addressed on a regular basis). Generally, we've had a very strong bond, great intimacy and were really good friends. After the change of plans, we agreed to find other ways, maybe me moving back to the UK and working remotely, simply living between 2 homes till we sort things ou for good. When I visited him, this time after a longer break, ready to compromise and talk things through, I felt like I didn't know the guy. He was distant, arrogant, completely indifferent to my needs. He took a week off and I felt as I invaded his space and holiday time. He was constantly stoned. There was no space, time and willingness to discuss things. He was preoccupied with himself, barely noticed me. I left his house crying, which didn't trigger any reaction on his side. That was the end. We didn't speak for several days, as soon after he contacted me saying he wants to make it up, he apologised for being an ******* and suggested we go on holidays together. For me there was a glimmer of hope that we could reconcile. The holiday was awful and I exposed myself to some most difficult feelings, it was totally massochistic.My ex seemed to be happier than ever before, emphasized how everything is going great for him, how many possibilities he sees for himself. Obviously we slept together, there was passion, but no intimacy. It hurt as hell. I felt totally disintegrated. There were moments of fun, old spark, but the realisation that this person doesn't suffer made me question everything. How can you move on that quickly? Did it mean anything for him? Is he maybe narcissistic? He said on several ocassions that he still loved me and cared about me, but that he accepted the break up. He claimed he wanted to stay single for a while for the first time in his life (he used to jump from one relationship to another). At the end of our stay I told him I need time and asked him not to contact me till I'm ready. I was devastated, the pain was unbearable. I couldn't eat, sleep, think about anything else. Missed him terribly and the sense of loss was overwhelming. I wanted to be better so that I can have him again in my life as a 'friend'. 2 weeks after said goodbye (and 2 weeks ago), he contacted me to tell me that he had started seeing someone. He didn't want me to get the news from a different source as I knew this woman. Then he told me he missed me (guilt? being selfish? true?). So, he's seeing now his work colleague, also a friend, that he used to hang out quite a bit out of work, 15 years older than him. They started playing house straight away. He doesn't use any social media, whereas she is totally addicted documenting every second of her existance. The week he told me about dating she put 'profound' quotes about love allover her Instagram, added cartoon hearts to her profile pictures, and called him her partner ( 41 years old, hello!!!!) She knew we were on holidays together.. It made me sick, it make me furious, it made me hate him, it made me hate her even more. And pity them at the same time. I trusted him, and when on holiday, despite the enormous pain, I believed his words and I eventually acknowledged that he went through pain ealier and was maybe further in the process than me. Now I feel that he lied, that she was lined up from the start, she was eager and close and familiar, so he jumped into it. He told me about the problem he had with my age (well, he's just unlocked level 40), and with the fact sometimes I don't 'get certain language nuances' (his new one is Asian and her English is pretty rubbish tbh) Desperation ? Rebound? Love? Narcissist? Or just can't be on his own?
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 I'm sorry, OP. This must hurt a lot. He met and fell for someone else and didn't have the stones to come out and tell you that was the real reason he was ending your relationship. I don't necessarily believe he's a narcissist, but he certainly didn't know how to be honest with you that his feelings had changed so much that he wanted out. My suspicion would be that this has been going on longer than you knew, if he's already essentially moved in with her and they consider themselves partners. His dismissive treatment of you before the break-up is unfortunately very typical of someone who is being unfaithful, even if only emotionally. He was shutting you out and trying to get you to walk out on your own, which you did - with good reason. It's not cool of him to have put you in that position. I would assume, though, that your relationship might not have lasted even if she hadn't entered the picture. He was clearly tiring of long-distance and didn't really seem interested in closing the gap anymore. For some, it is very difficult to maintain a romantic and emotional attachment to a partner they don't see very much. I realize you were thinking of going back to the UK, but it appears he had largely lost interest by that point. In any case, please stop the social media monitoring. It won't do you any good to see how things are going for them. You have learned that he is not the man for you and not the transparent, stand-up guy you thought he was. 2
d0nnivain Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 If his lifelong dating pattern has always been to jump from one relationship to the next, it stands to reason that despite saying he wants to be single, he did it again. The LDR parts probably took their toll & since he wanted out, he was more emotionally ready to end your relationship then you were making it easier for him to transition to a new relationship faster. After an LDR it's really no surprise that one partner moved on to a new local love. The power of presence is profound. Your best option is to stop paying attention to what he's doing. Unfriend, unfollow, get off social media with him so you no longer have access to his behaviors. Not watching will save you the agony. 3
ChatroomHero Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 Regardless of his reasons or any closure you want, he's garbage and has proven it. You'll never get the real answer and never know for sure so don't waste time on it. Instead of dwelling on the past and looking at it through rose colored glasses, every time he pops in your head think of the present and future and how awful it would be if you had kept going with someone like that. Pretty soon you'll forget him because you'll be focused on reality and not an image of a person that didn't ever exist. The easiest way to get over someone is to not try to get answers that you know you will never get. Even if you get some answer you'll never really trust it is truthful. I would suggest instead of wondering what happened, thank the mystical powers that be that allowed you to escape that nightmare and go find someone better. Alter your thinking about the situation and I promise you won't be looking back and you'll heal a lot quicker. 1
FMW Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 While you are working through it all make sure and focus on all the negatives, all the things that you didn't like about him or the relationship and all the things that caused you pain. Don't focus on the fleeting moments that were good or on what your dreams and hopes for the relationship were. Being brutally honest with yourself about why you're better off without him should help you heal faster. Learn to accept that you will never really know why he did or said anything and that it really doesn't matter anyway. It wouldn't change anything. 2
Author Madofeliz Posted September 9, 2018 Author Posted September 9, 2018 Thank you for all the kind words and great advice. I know he didn't have balls to be honest with me. In he last text message he sent me to tell me about her, he said 'it just happened, it wasn't planned', which just makes me convinced it was totally opposite. Well, I guess it also pisses me off he is dating someone who posts the photo page of her passport on Instagram to show she renewed it. Deeply I know that going through all these emotions, means I'm healing and growing. Ad that there are better things waiting for me.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 Thank you for all the kind words and great advice. I know he didn't have balls to be honest with me. In he last text message he sent me to tell me about her, he said 'it just happened, it wasn't planned', which just makes me convinced it was totally opposite. Well, I guess it also pisses me off he is dating someone who posts the photo page of her passport on Instagram to show she renewed it. Deeply I know that going through all these emotions, means I'm healing and growing. Ad that there are better things waiting for me. Forgive me, but what does her renewed passport have to do with it? I mean no snark; I am genuinely confused why that specifically makes you angry. But yes, I agree that better things are waiting for you. They might not have planned to fall for each other, but he knew this break-up was coming and he went about it in a crappy way. You deserve a man with more dignity and consideration. 1
AsonUnique Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 So sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm dealing with the same, though my ex moved on even faster and likely cheated. It's so much better to find out this person isn't the right one for you as early as possible. If you'd had a child together or gotten married it could've turned out a lot worse. The pain is natural because you're human. There's another plan and another destiny for us, we just have to take care of ourselves in the meantime and wash away anyone toxic. Best of luck to you! 1
Blanco Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 If his lifelong dating pattern has always been to jump from one relationship to the next, it stands to reason that despite saying he wants to be single, he did it again. This is key. Best indicator of future behavior is past behavior and all that. When my one ex and I split, she downplayed the idea of her getting involved with someone else, citing she'd have trouble meeting someone as a full-time single mother who didn't go out much. Guess what? She was in another relationship within a couple of months and remains in one to this day years later. It's hard not to take it personally, but some people are just not comfortable being single. It doesn't automatically mean you or your relationship was less than or meaningless. It just means that person finds comfort and stability being with someone. Serial monogamists. 2
Author Madofeliz Posted September 9, 2018 Author Posted September 9, 2018 So sorry to hear you're going through this. I'm dealing with the same, though my ex moved on even faster and likely cheated. I'm so sorry, too. It must feel awful. Please stay strong. And thank you. It's the first time I've ever written on a community forum and I'm amazed by support and kindness of all of you. All the best xx
Author Madofeliz Posted September 9, 2018 Author Posted September 9, 2018 Forgive me, but what does her renewed passport have to do with it? I mean no snark; I am genuinely confused why that specifically makes you angry. A snark on my behalf, I guess. Can't think of many dumber things, than showing your personal ID on the web.
Gretchen12 Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 First, you need to stop looking at what she posts on the internet. That is you hurting yourself. You have a choice to not look. If someone wanted to hurt you with their postings, well, they can't if you don't look. Secondly, age is not just a number. If it's really just a number, then it also shouldn't matter that she's 41, right? Ok but I think it does matter. In a way she is more compatible in age with him. A man in his twenties is not ready to settle down, he still wants to play the field. A woman in her thirties (you) wants to settle into a long term meaningful relationship, and ready to make a future together. A woman in her forties has already (mostly) passed childbearing years anyway. That boat has sailed, so why not play the field? So this new woman does not give him pressure. You need to start thinking about what you want, what he can and can't offer you, instead of what wrong has been done to you. Let's say I wanted chocolate ice cream but I ordered strawberry by mistake. Salesperson then makes a mistake and gives me chocolate. Am I going to argue with him? Ah!! you didn't gimme what I ordered! No, I just take what I really wanted. 2
preraph Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 He lied. What happened to him that made he change, who knows. But maybe having a relationship with you (at all) gave him confidence he never had before. I'm afraid it is nearly always the case that men are not faithful in LDRs. In my many years, best I can tell, it's out of sight, out of mind until you're before them again or something makes them miss you, but even then, men aren't going to go without sex three weeks of the month. Hard for us women to understand why they can't just take care of themselves, but they are mostly so visual they never stop looking and trying with women. Narcissistic? Not sure whether it rises to that level, but I can't help noticing that men who are able to date and get sex get over breakups rather quickly. In this case, he was already involved with her when you visited, no doubt. So take consolation that he cheated on her with you, if nothing else. A whole lot of men care more about sex than love and lose love rapidly if sex isn't possible. I think it's horrible how he treated you when you went there. He'd already checked out. Hope you are able to move on soon -- and I sincerely hope you will not ever opt for another LDR again. They're mostly doomed.
stillafool Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 I agree that you need to stop spying on their social media. That is hurting you. Don't worry, at 25 this guy will get tired of dating older women and will move on to the young ones sooner or later. This woman will be in pain also if that makes you feel any better.
preraph Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 You need to get off her social media too and kick her off yours. The goal here is to have a short mourning period, but the goal being to stop engaging in what he's doing or she's doing until you simply stop caring. The sooner you totally check out of their lives, the better that makes you look and the sooner you'll heal.
Lotsgoingon Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 No need to assume that he has quickly moved on in some deep and healthy way. Lots of people just bounce from one relationship to another ... they're not having more "fun" than anyone else. Focus on how this guy changed and how you misjudged him, maybe were slow to pick up his change ... Not for blame, but to finetune your dating software and and learn to recognize earlier on when someone is acting like a jerk. Trust me: he's not suddenly some wonderful person with this coworker. He can ride the adrenaline high for a while ... but the relationship with his colleague is also likely to crash. My ex wife got married just over 2 years after our separation ... and about a year or so after the final divorce. I was shocked, ego was hurt .. I was still recovering from how crazy our marriage had been. One day I told my comparison story to a mentor-wiseman I knew. "Don't assume she's better off than you are," the wise man said. "You are taking care of yourself and are probably better off than she is." Sorry for the disappointment and pain. 1
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