Technology and the degradation of dating/relationships/marriage

September 9, 2018

I have become somewhat cynical about relationships in general these days, not only from my most recent one but also from the experiences of friends and family as well as what I read about.

I'm starting to think some of it is due to the fact that technology has put the entire world of humans at our fingertips. Before social media, etc., it was almost impossible to reach out to that long, lost ex from high school/college, or that co-worker you used to crush on. Now, they're only a couple keystrokes away.

It seems to me that people are "cheating" a lot more than they let on. And I'm not talking about the physical kind, I'm talking the emotional cheating and reaching out to members of the opposite sex for an ego boost and possibly a "grass is greener" fix.

As I contemplate dating again, I'm not sure I can go forward with anything serious anymore. I really have given up on the idea of something lasting, knowing that even the most minor of disagreements is now justification for a barrage of flirty emails to some other potential suitor.

Rant off.

Edited September 9, 2018 by Highndry

September 9, 2018

I mean, it's easier to be unfaithful, but I think it's easy to pretend that we've moved away from some fabled golden age of relationships where infidelity wasn't really a problem.

If anything, it seems like technological advancement and social media have made it more difficult to cloak unfaithfulness.

September 9, 2018

I don’t know how old you are....

I know this will be interesting to see what happens to those who are currently 20-25 growing up with cell phones and internet and how they interact socially...especially with relationships.

I don’t know if it’s tech related or not...but also thus sane group seems tuned out to even traditional dating and relationships. Relationships is an afterthought. I’m unsure if thus us because of antisocial affects of tech or something else.

As for emotional cheating....

In thus dat and age men and women work together and will interact. If you think because opposites talk that somehow they are cheating is nuts.

September 9, 2018

It's an interesting topic and something I've pondered for a while. I know that it seems like the idea of traditional relationships/marriage seems to have been lost on the younger generation, but I have a couple of counter points.

In terms of "cheating" - infidelity has been a thing since forever. I couldn't tell you if it was more or less common than 30, 50 or 100+ years ago, but it definitely did happen. It was just a lot easier to hide without the technology we have today.

Secondly - Among my peers, it seems like a long term relationship or marriage still seems to be the ultimate end goal. You do raise a good point about the entirety of humanity being at our fingertips - I think our standards for relationships have changed a lot as a result. 30+ years ago, you might not stray far from your social circle/town/suburb when looking for someone to date, just because you couldn't. Now everyone has a lot of choice when trying to find someone... and it's easy to see if the next person is that little bit better.

Thirdly, I've noticed in many in the older generation that even though their marriage may have lasted 20, 30+ years, they seem miserable or disinterested in each other. Even among long lasting marriages, true, everlasting love is rare. And relationships where one or both partners are disinterested or miserable can affect the children of the relationship. Breaking up a long term relationship can get incredibly messy, and I feel, as part of said younger generation, that I want to be sure I'm with the right person before I settle down with one person for the rest of my life.

September 9, 2018

I mean, it's easier to be unfaithful, but I think it's easy to pretend that we've moved away from some fabled golden age of relationships where infidelity wasn't really a problem.

If anything, it seems like technological advancement and social media have made it more difficult to cloak unfaithfulness.

Yes, I agree.

Affairs are most certainly not a modern phenomena and it would be erroneous to assume that relationships and marriages of the past were less likely to be affected by infidelity. The way affairs are conducted has surely been affected by technology, but it's definitely not true that they weren't a problem decades ago either.

If we speak to people of our grandparents' or even parents' generations, we will learn that there were simply different ways of going about cheating. But there were plenty of men and women before the advent of technology who had secret lovers; I believe it wasn't talked about as much, and many preferred to turn their heads the other way to preserve a certain social expectation to remain married no matter what, even after cheating. But I don't necessarily believe it's any more prevalent today.

September 9, 2018

I have become somewhat cynical about relationships in general these days, not only from my most recent one but also from the experiences of friends and family as well as what I read about.

I'm starting to think some of it is due to the fact that technology has put the entire world of humans at our fingertips. Before social media, etc., it was almost impossible to reach out to that long, lost ex from high school/college, or that co-worker you used to crush on. Now, they're only a couple keystrokes away.

It seems to me that people are "cheating" a lot more than they let on. And I'm not talking about the physical kind, I'm talking the emotional cheating and reaching out to members of the opposite sex for an ego boost and possibly a "grass is greener" fix.

As I contemplate dating again, I'm not sure I can go forward with anything serious anymore. I really have given up on the idea of something lasting, knowing that even the most minor of disagreements is now justification for a barrage of flirty emails to some other potential suitor.

Rant off.

Correct this is what most of what you say is all about today and not so much when it first started. You're sleeping while you sleep your gf is on her cell or pc typing a text message back to her computer lover emotional cheating! I know had this happen to me a few years ago. She kept saying he was just her online buddy in the end he said she was in love with her and wanted to be with her. In the end I had put her out! Other than that she came from a dating site. I been with a few from dating sites and it all adds up to the same they lie about their status, they lie who they are too. Unemotional, uncaring just lairs.. I did something different I met a woman in the real world from my prior job. But even women outside the online tech world can just be as bad as those on their as well. If you get a good one jump on it if can't then make your life as you can.

September 9, 2018

Yes it easier to connect with more people, but not necessarily with more quality people.

A person of integrity still knows where the lines are drawn. If you find yourself in a relationship with somebody who reaches out to opposite sex ego strokes immediately after a minor disagreement, then you end things with them. That ego boost is not new. Now it just happens through a device. I knew plenty of girls in college who when fighting with their BFs would get all dolled up & go to a fraternity party to flirt & dance. Now people put on sweats & flirt from the privacy of their home but the behavior & impulse hasn't changed.

September 10, 2018

I think that social media, texting, internet have all made it harder to hook up with someone

September 10, 2018

According to a 2013 Bloomberg article, it comes down to economic independence and the internet:

Cheating Wives Narrowed Infidelity Gap Over Two Decades:

https://www.bloomberg.com/news/articles/2013-07-02/cheating-wives-narrowed-infidelity-gap-over-two-decades

September 10, 2018

People with integrity don't reach to their exs with or without technology.

I still get random messages from men I dated 3 + years ago before my relationship. I ignore their messages, block and delete. That's who I am, when I am in a relationship I do not entertain a bunch of exs.

Technology exist but you don't have to have it. My BF isn't on any social media, I only have FB with a handful of friends to whom I am blood related.

I would not endure any of that social-media drama on read about on here. I would not date a man that has followers or follows chicks. When you date just pick wisely who you date.

September 11, 2018

If technology is to blame I'd say it already did the damage when the people you're talking about were children. TV and video games replaced human interaction. Parents too busy to spend time with their kids. It's a very lonely way to grow up. By the time they're old enough to date, the values, personality and interpersonal skills are already formed and won't change without some work.

September 11, 2018

Online dating did some damage on several levels:

1. It gave people a stage to parade themselves and get attention without consequences. There are suckers who fall for those attention seekers.

2. It gave people too many options. The variety ended up overwhelming them.

3. It gave people the sense that there is an endless supply of replaceable suitors. So why bother putting an effort into social skills when one can simply click around like a potential shopper flipping through the pages of a catalog?

4. It removed the accountability factor. Don’t like someone, block them. Don’t want to meet someone? Ghost them. After all, they don’t know you and you’ll probably never see them during your daily routine.

In short, online dating removed the human touch, the social skills, and the values that society had ingrained in us.

September 11, 2018

i used to think tech was to blame for a lot of things...now ....i dont.....its people who choose to use it......to do what they do....they press the tech with their fingers .......people make choices....sometimes horrible ones....deb

September 11, 2018

This is all easier said than done. If I remember correctly, aren't you in your 50's? As a 39-year-old guy, this sort of thing has a much bigger impact on my relationships than it may yours. I can only imagine what it's like for people in their 20's but every single woman I have met in my age bracket is hopelessly addicted to her phone and social media.

My daughter is 31 years old. She is connected to her phone like any woman her age BUT she doesn't have exs on her social-media, and she doesn't reply to exs trying to reach to her. She loves her BF and has no needs to entertain other men or exs.

Being addicted to a social media doesn't mean automatically you have *questionable* behavior with opposite gender.

September 11, 2018

1. It gave people a stage to parade themselves and get attention without consequences. There are suckers who fall for those attention seekers.

Who cares about those. After a while online you've got to be able to identify the players from the serious daters. You have a part of responsability in who you let in your life. I have learned that the hard way when I started online dating. If the guy stands me up 3 times it's MY fault, not his. I had to dump him the very first time he did it.

2. It gave people too many options. The variety ended up overwhelming them.

Which is good, I wanted to find someone compatible with me, I didn't want to end up with someone 50% compatible with me because my choice was limited to 10-15 guys living in my city, or worse, like my parents spending a life time with someone you have 25% compatibility because all the choice they had was the 2-3 women same age in their village. Choice is good. You don't want someone to date you because they're stuck with you but because you picked each other as the best partner to date among hundreds.

3. It gave people the sense that there is an endless supply of replaceable suitors. So why bother putting an effort into social skills when one can simply click around like a potential shopper flipping through the pages of a catalog?

Which is good. We don't need to settle for less than what we deserve. I keep telling my friend she doesn't have to keep on dating her loser, the net is full of men 150% better than him. She won't break up with him, she thinks he's the last man on earth she can date. I know better, I know the net is full of good men and if my BF cheats or does something unforgivable you bet I will find another man. I am not worried about spending the rest of my life alone.

4. It removed the accountability factor. Don’t like someone, block them. Don’t want to meet someone? Ghost them. After all, they don’t know you and you’ll probably never see them during your daily routine.

People with integrity have integrity on and off line. I met up to 200 men and I have NEVER ghosted one. I called or text each man I felt we didn't have enough in common to continue. I carry my life online the same way I carry it off line. The man I found online and been dating for 3 years carried himself with the same integrity on and off line. Those people exist. You just need to find them. Edited September 11, 2018 by Gaeta

September 11, 2018

People with integrity have integrity on and off line.

I don't agree with that. People do all sorts of crazy things when they are anonymous

September 11, 2018

I don't agree with that. People do all sorts of crazy things when they are anonymous

Then they are not the people of character you are looking for. Like I said, people with real integrity act like it on and off line. I am 100% anonymous online and I would never EVER troll. If I exist then plenty of other people like me exists.

September 11, 2018

People with integrity don't reach to their exs with or without technology.

I don't know about that. When I first got on FB, I reached out for a few HS & college BFs. Those relationships were 20+ years prior & I knew the men in question were happily married because I had kept in some contact with them over the years -- mutual friends' weddings; Christmas cards; occasional phone calls; etc. Heck I remember the 1st PM conversations I had with them when we reconnected. I asked them for tips about having a happy marriage since I was a newlywed & they'd been married for years with kids. They were all eager to share a guy's perspective with me & it really helped me while I was learning to be a wife.

On occasion when DH & I have been in their cities, we have had double dates with those men & their wives. My husband & my HS BF interact all the time, mostly without me which is just fine with me.

I am not social media friends with long term partners I had as an adult but we still have some mutual friends. I did look up the one just to see; he has good privacy settings so I couldn't see much. I don't want him back. I was just curious. I also have to interact with him periodically about once every two years because work crosses our paths; it's unavoidable. Many people on here know my story about my one EX's suicide; in part because I had gone to HS with him & his siblings, even though he & I dated later in life, I'm still friends with his sisters. My husband knows this & knows the family. Many of them are in my industry to I can't avoid them.

I think people's intentions matter & I think transparency is important.

Many of the interactions I have with these people I had before social media so technology doesn't really change things. OK I probably wouldn't otherwise see their vacation photos but some of the memes & things just show off their senses of humor which I always enjoyed.

Edited September 11, 2018 by d0nnivain

September 12, 2018

Enigma32,

I'm sorry, but your girlfriend sounds like she has a serious problem. I have dated and have been in relationships in the same age bracket you describe, and have had to set boundaries. People pick up on the way you expect them to treat you.

If you don't like what she does then you need to set boundaries. Have you talked to her about it?

First, it's rude to use a phone at the movies, period. Second, if you're having dinner with her, she should be with you, not on her phone.

And why's she uploading every waking moment of her life onto Instagram?

September 12, 2018

Gaeta, I agree with all the points you posted. I was looking at online dating from a glass-half-empty perspective.

Why? For the simple reason that online dating -- from my experience -- does not facilitate romantic connections, only casual dating, or sex.

Are the paid sites more reliable? Are there more quality people on there, people with integrity?

For the record, after a while, I have learned to filter out the serious ones from the flaky ones. No one has ever stood me up, but I have come across a lot of people who were flaky in their communication. So I moved on. The few quality women I did go out with, well, they either lived too far, more than an hour away, I didn't click with them or they looked different than the pictures they posted online.

Let me put it this way, it's one thing when you meet a person in real life and you find out that you don't want to go on a second date with her, and so you move on to the next person. But with online dating, you have to deal with all kinds of other crap that gets in the way, hurdles, like flaky people, people with ulterior motives, attention seekers, etc.. At some point you realize that you're putting more energy into the process than is worth it. It becomes tedious and cumbersome, almost Sisyphean.

That doesn't invalidate your points. But if dating were limited to the real world, I think most of the problems that I've mentioned wouldn't exist.

Edited September 12, 2018 by Logo

September 12, 2018

Plenty of people are loyal to their partner, even when it comes to online interactions. I will assume your daughter is one of them. However, a lack of loyalty isn't the only problem. I have met women whose life seems to be taking pics for Instagram and collecting likes. My GF is my age and she always has her phone in her hand. She gets texts during movies, dinner, and almost everything else we do together. When we go somewhere, she has her phone out taking pictures which she immediately uploads to Facebook, eliciting comments which require replies. She even wakes up in the middle of the night and checks social media. She's not the only one. From what I have seen, that's basically every woman in my age bracket. So, even if you trust your partner to be loyal, I think that relationships overall have just declined because everyone is addicted to their phones.

Getting up in the middle of the night = Your girlfriend has an addiction and has an unhealthy need for attention.

Do you really think ALL women her age are like that? I am thinking quick here, my female colleagues don't post daily on FB, none of my sister-in-laws, or brother, not even my nephews and nieces post daily. The only people I know that post daily are our 2 receptionists in their 20s.

September 12, 2018

I don't know about that. When I first got on FB, I reached out for a few HS & college BFs. Those relationships were 20+ years prior

There are always exceptions that prove the rule

Reaching a BF from college 20 years later with the intentions of having double dates with your husband seems pretty innocent to me. Would you reach to the BF you had right before meeting your husband though? I don't think so, that would be inappropriate. I get friend requests from men I went on 1-2-3 dates with before I met my BF, that's inappropriate.

September 12, 2018

But with online dating, you have to deal with all kinds of other crap that gets in the way, hurdles, like flaky people, people with ulterior motives, attention seekers, etc.. At some point you realize that you're putting more energy into the process than is worth it. It becomes tedious and cumbersome, almost Sisyphean.

Oh I have been through all that! Remember I collected close to 200 first meetings. I was played, lied to, I was even kidnapped in a car and driven across the city for 1 hour against my will (had the scare of my life). I've seen it all. I did put a lot of energy into this to find the right man, close to 3 years of meeting new men 2-3 times a week with everything that it involves - driving around, being disappointed, picking myself up, doing it again 2 days later with someone new.

Maybe I have a personality that fits better with online dating. Nothing kills me, I always see the positive side of things, I don't mind falling and getting up 200 times. It's just how I am.

But if dating were limited to the real world, I think most of the problems that I've mentioned wouldn't exist.

I tried the real world and I also met players and losers. Whether it was men approaching me or blind-dates set up by friends & family, they all turned out to be players or losers. Probably eventually I would have met a good one but it would have taken as long as doing it online.

September 13, 2018

Oh I have been through all that! Remember I collected close to 200 first meetings. I was played, lied to, I was even kidnapped in a car and driven across the city for 1 hour against my will (had the scare of my life). I've seen it all. I did put a lot of energy into this to find the right man, close to 3 years of meeting new men 2-3 times a week with everything that it involves - driving around, being disappointed, picking myself up, doing it again 2 days later with someone new.

Maybe I have a personality that fits better with online dating. Nothing kills me, I always see the positive side of things, I don't mind falling and getting up 200 times. It's just how I am.

I tried the real world and I also met players and losers. Whether it was men approaching me or blind-dates set up by friends & family, they all turned out to be players or losers. Probably eventually I would have met a good one but it would have taken as long as doing it online.

If I were going or getting 2 to 3 dates a week, I wouldn't mind putting the effort. Unlike ants who instinctively try and try again, we humans often do a cost-benefit analysis.

What I was getting was one decent date every 3 months. I changed my profile a few times, jazzed it up, tried to be creative, genuine, unique. I switched up my pictures, although I don't think my pictures were the best, I could have posted better ones. I tried to be inventive and fun when sending messages, I tried all kinds of approaches.

The strange thing is that I was doing much better immediately after the breakup than 6 months later.

I think after the breakup I started out with a new found sense of hope and adventure, you know? I felt that I was finally free to find the right person and that I was done with the bs from the old relationship. Unfortunately, during those first 6 months, I wasn't ready to date. I felt sad after each date as it reminded me of my previous relationship, what could have been.

But at some point, I became more and more cynical after I started coming across so many flakes. Add to that the fact that I was still recovering from the previous relationship, and things didn't look as rosy as I had thought they were going to be. Here's why:

In the past, it was easy for me to connect with women. I had a solid sense of confidence, even swagger. But after the last relationship, I was looking for red flags under every rug and around every corner. I didn't want to invest time and energy in a relationship only to have my girlfriend cheat on me. So I played it safe.

So now, I'm not rushing into anything. I'm looking for romance passively. If it comes, I'll welcome it. If it doesn't, then I'll just have to wait it out.

I used to be affectionate and warm when I met women, but now I'm more business like. I think I was too trusting in the past. I believed in the goodness of people, gave them the benefit of the doubt, naive as it may sound. But now, I'm more careful.

September 13, 2018

enigma32,

I'm going to be blunt, so I must ask, why do you put up with it if it bothers you?

From my experience, it's not a generational thing, it's a personality trait. I know people in their 40s who grab their phone as soon as they lose the slightest interest in the conversation around them. It's not polite and it's a bad coping mechanism.

And like Gaeta wrote, why does your girlfriend need so much validation through this attention seeking behavior? Is she insecure?

It's your relationship, but how do you see yourself communicating with her when something serious comes up, if you can't tell her that she's got a serious problem with social media addiction?

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Technology and the degradation of dating/relationships/marriage

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