Sm12345 Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 I started seeing someone off tinder. We’re going out again on a Sunday to the art gallery and for sushi. I’m just wondering if I’m wasting my time here. She’s said a couple things that could be perceived as red flags, at least from my perspective. 1. “I don’t want the things you have a history of wanting.”, ie kids. - I’m not sure 100% if I want them. I’ve started feeling really happy lately and secure in my own skin. 2. “I’ll say up front that I have many lovers.” - I was a bit speechless by this. 3. “I’m just saying that I’m probably not soulmate material in the way you may be looking for.” - not sure I believe in the idea of soulmates. That said, I can tell she’s starting to like me, and me her. “You seem to be a deep, soul full, artistic spirit. It’s clear you have your personal space well-guarded, so that you can channel your voice. But also that when you let ppl into that space, you are giving of yourself and you let them fully in.” “I love the National. And Mogwai. And Joy Division. And art. And literature/museums. And amazing food. And I want to connect with someone who also loves those things.” “It’s really rare. I haven’t met someone who shares those interests in over a decade.”
ExpatInItaly Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 Did she actually tell you that she is poly, OP?
Author Sm12345 Posted September 8, 2018 Author Posted September 8, 2018 Yes, and her Tinder profile also says “Not interested in monogamy.”
ExpatInItaly Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 Yes, and her Tinder profile also says “Not interested in monogamy.” Ok. So if you are seeking a monogamous relationship, this is the wrong woman for you. 1
guest569 Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 I think it's a bad idea given that you're developing feelings for her. If you truly want something casual and not exclusive it could work. But it doesn't seem that way?
grays Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 But the fact that she doesn’t want monogamy doesn’t necessarily mean she’s only down for casual.
guest569 Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 But the fact that she doesn’t want monogamy doesn’t necessarily mean she’s only down for casual. Sure. But good luck to anyone who wants monogamy, in having a serious, committed relationship with someone who has "a lot of lovers". Hence I say go for it if you want casual.
BaileyB Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 Ok. So if you are seeking a monogamous relationship, this is the wrong woman for you. This seems fairly obvious OP. Not sure what the issue is here... 1
Ruby Slippers Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 If you want a committed relationship, obviously you're wasting your time. If you're ok being one of the people in her rotation, go for it.
central Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 Poly people have deep, serious, and committed relationships. But, usually more than one, or sometimes one that is permanent, and others than may last only for a while. If you want exclusivity, you won't get that from her. If you choose to continue dating, you know what to expect, but perhaps not how you may change as a result.
smackie9 Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 What are the red flags? She has no hidden agenda, she's pretty honest, genuine with her expectations. She's a free spirit and I think that's what you find so alluring/exciting. She's different, no pressure, and interesting. I personally don't see anything wrong with dating her as long as you keep your options open and date other women. I agree with her it is rare to meet someone that has similar interests and taste in music. I say have fun with it, and enjoy her company. This may turn into more a friendship rather than romance. She's obviously enjoys emotional connections. 1
rightondude Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 I am just way too paranoid about disease and way too ... not cool with someone else being chosen over me to feel good about being in a polyamorous "relationship" ... one night every once in awhile swinging, maybe, but definitely not, "bye honey I'm gonna go screw some other dude tonight" ... just not for me. 1
smackie9 Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 Everyone has this image that Polyamorous is some sex addicted person that's flopping on their back every night with someone different, where that isn't always the case. Basically it's multi-dating but more on an emotional connected level. If she was a sexually driven kind of person, she would have tossed the OP into bed by now. She probably has admirers, rather than lovers. The clue is this: “I love the National. And Mogwai. And Joy Division. And art. And literature/museums. And amazing food. And I want to connect with someone who also loves those things." Sounds to me she is more into the discovery, the chase, rather than the sex. She just likes the freedom to carry on with multiple emotional affairs. I know a married couple that allow these "Friendships" as he called it. I understood right away what he meant lol. Sex with others was not on the tables, but making emotional connections with other was. They are both young hippies, living off the grid, so they carry on with that free lovin vibe in their relationship. To really find out what her real deal is will take further inquiries...on dates
JS84 Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 I’m just wondering if I’m wasting my time here. Sounds like it to me. Kind of amazed you're even asking that.... 1
Author Sm12345 Posted September 10, 2018 Author Posted September 10, 2018 Date went really well, she opened up to me a lot. I think the source of her non monogamy is a failed marriage when she was younger (25-30), so she’s not looking for that type of commitment. We do seem to have a lot in common, and she was very affectionate. She lives two hours away, and was willing to drive that distance to see me, so I think that’s a plus. She also sent a nice text to let me know she got home: “Thanks again for a great day! ; )” I think this could actually work. I have the affection and companionship to go see shows and museums with her. But I’m also free to date people here. Seems like win win. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 Glad you had a good time, OP. Just don't get invested emotionally. Date others who can and want to offer the type of relationship you're looking for.
guest569 Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 Everyone has this image that Polyamorous is some sex addicted person that's flopping on their back every night with someone different, where that isn't always the case. Basically it's multi-dating but more on an emotional connected level. If she was a sexually driven kind of person, she would have tossed the OP into bed by now. She probably has admirers, rather than lovers. Sounds to me she is more into the discovery, the chase, rather than the sex. She just likes the freedom to carry on with multiple emotional affairs. Oh please, she said in her own words that she has many 'lovers'. They just connect emotionally, have intellectual conversation, and no sex? The more sexual partners you have on the go, the higher the risk, which I think is what 'everyone' a few posters were getting at. She is sleeping with several guys. Polyamory and multi-dating are not the same thing..
smackie9 Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 Oh please, she said in her own words that she has many 'lovers'. They just connect emotionally, have intellectual conversation, and no sex? The more sexual partners you have on the go, the higher the risk, which I think is what 'everyone' a few posters were getting at. She is sleeping with several guys. Polyamory and multi-dating are not the same thing.. It is. People may choose to sleep with multiple people "just dating" and I know plenty who do, or did and there have been many on here that admit to doing so, but I guess we have a different name for that. Poly is definitely more so for the purpose of emotional connection not just sex. Anyways the OP seems to be quite happy with seeing her, and he doesn't have to make it sexual, he can get that from someone else. Not a bad deal in my eyes. I still see nothing wrong with it. Like I said, she's been very honest and open about it....you can hardly get that from people who are monogamous.
Author Sm12345 Posted September 12, 2018 Author Posted September 12, 2018 Tonight's text conversation took an interesting turn.. Her: “So, I have to tell you something.” Me: “ok” Her: “I get glimpses of a past life” Me: “really?” Her: “Anyway. In the past life that I can see, and that’s not to say that it’s the only time we’ve known each other. We were siblings.” *The ultimate friend zone..* Me: “Who was older, I wonder..” Her: “You’re the oldest” Her: “In fact, I also get that we were lovers in medieval Germany” Her: “Sex in straw beds in drafty castles. Seriously.” Her: “Anyways, I’m drifting off.. I’m going to leave you with thoughts of straw mattresses and drafts and scratchy woolen clothes and no shaving.” Me: “Night”
ElKay Posted September 12, 2018 Posted September 12, 2018 Sounds like she's been smoking and going through some interesting trance...
guest569 Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 I have learned through thorough independent research that crazy ladies are by far the best in bed. Any girl that is seeing past lives is gonna be a 10/11 on the bedroom fun scale. I think OP should do a past life regression.. see what you come up with and whether you can verify her story for us. If you were siblings in a past life are you sure you want to go there? Personally it would take a few more lifetimes before I bang my brother. 1
Thingsfallapart Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 Tonight's text conversation took an interesting turn.. Her: “So, I have to tell you something.” Me: “ok” Her: “I get glimpses of a past life” Me: “really?” Her: “Anyway. In the past life that I can see, and that’s not to say that it’s the only time we’ve known each other. We were siblings.” *The ultimate friend zone..* Me: “Who was older, I wonder..” Her: “You’re the oldest” Her: “In fact, I also get that we were lovers in medieval Germany” Her: “Sex in straw beds in drafty castles. Seriously.” Her: “Anyways, I’m drifting off.. I’m going to leave you with thoughts of straw mattresses and drafts and scratchy woolen clothes and no shaving.” Me: “Night” I love how you ended that conversation with just one word and awkward “night”
fiskadoro Posted September 13, 2018 Posted September 13, 2018 She's playing. Having a failed relationship, even a marriage, doesn't mean you give up on relationships, it means you figure out what went wrong and fix or avoid it. I think polyamory is just another way of turning people into something else to consume, and multiple sexual relationships just don't work long term, sorry. Even ordinary friendships take work, so to maintain several "emotional connections" would be exhausting and unworkable for anyone who also had to have a paying job. Those text messages were fun though, I don't see anything wrong with them. Sounds like a person with a bit of a non-traditional POV, and someone who is honest about it. She doesn't seem like dating material now, but she does seem like a colorful friend to keep around, IF you can maintain a friendship.
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