planb1973 Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 It was a short but amazing relationship. Two months ago I met a woman a woman, ironically through a woman I had dated briefly a year and a half ago. We hit it off right away and became an immediate "thing." I honestly had never felt more confidence in a relationship. Everything felt right. There were a few thing I would not consider a red flag but some jealousy from her with regards to her friend who introduced us and an ex of hers that has become suicidal that she wont be with him. (they had been broken up for almost a year, but have a long history and work in the same field.) She went to see her therapist today and immediately after I get a text that she has to end this relationship... No explanation, nothing! I have sensed some abandonment issues, as confirmed by a close friend of hers, but really out of complete left field she breaks up with me through a text!!! Just feeling heart broken right now. Are abandonment issues really that severe?
Happy Lemming Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 If we are to believe that the therapist suggested the breakup, then do you really want to be someone that can't make their own life decisions?? Or do you think the visit to the therapist was a catalyst for the breakup, where she thought she needed to work on herself without the distraction of a relationship?? Do you really want to date someone that can end a relationship at the drop of a hat?? She doesn't sound all that stable... You can find better. NEXT!! 1
Garcon1986 Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 My sympathies that this happened to you, the part where it sounded like the perfect relationship, sounded like it was probably stars in the eyes, or infatuation. She doesn't seem suitable for you, if somebody else suggests a breakup and then she does it. Seek out things that make you happy, and seek them out as hard as you can. Go until you have healed, then you can seek out ladies again. At this point in time you gotta take the attitude that there's going to be plenty of dating opportunities out there. Work hard on getting happy again. There are 3.5 billion ladies out there.
Author planb1973 Posted September 8, 2018 Author Posted September 8, 2018 I woke up this morning thinking that it was just a bad dream. I had to lay there for a while to realize that, no, that really happened. I'm really just in shock. I have been broken up with before so I'm not new to this. Never before have I been broken up with so suddenly and with no warning or even an argument. And No she doesn't seem stable. I keep racking my brain to find clues that I missed that would lead to such a sudden break up. There is nothing there though. I guess I should be glad that this happen sooner rather than years down the road. I had invested in her 100% quickly which is not like me. I thought I had finally met my match. This has to do with the ex who wont leave her alone, which makes me feel like she has been lying about what her feelings for him really are. I just don't know. Life will go on. 1
salparadise Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 I guess I should be glad that this happen sooner rather than years down the road. I had invested in her 100% quickly which is not like me. I thought I had finally met my match. Yup, sooner is better. Sorry for what you're going through. It sucks. I had basically the same thing happen after one and a half years and no major arguments. Horrible sense of loss and betrayal. She must've been lying about her feelings, because she led me to believe that she was all-in as well. She also sent a text. Then last month I met a woman I was really excited about. We had two amazing dates a week apart. When I ask for the third date I got the, "you're a wonderful guy, but..." message. Pfffft. What is it with women that they have no dedication, even when it's working? It's like they run around trying to conjure up stuff to be dissatisfied about, and their line of reasoning brings them to... end the relationship. I suspect it really comes down to one thing. Once the infatuation settles down and they see a flaw or two they start imagining that they might do better. And once that notion takes hold it's effectively over. You might not be notified that day-week-month, but if they feel that there's the possibility of a better deal out there somewhere IRL or on OLD, they begin divesting. Why should they settle for good when the next guy might be perfect?
FMW Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 Men do the same thing to women, Salparadise. Thinking it's all about all the bad women out there won't help you or OP going forward. Some don't even give the courtesy of a text - they just ghost. OP obviously she had some serious issues, this wasn't about you. I think the best we can do in these situations is learn the lessons and move forward and stay open to something and someone better. So don't close off, but next time be a little more alert about any flags, even if you don't think they are necessarily red alert.
Cupid's Puppet Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 Did you ask her for an explanation? Ruminating is the worst! It sucks when communication comes to a halt with no warning and worse, no explanation. That is both sweet and unfortunate that you went all in with your heart, but that's the risk we take. Take the risk again when you heal. People say pay more attention to the red flags in the future. Truth be told, none of us are perfect; we all have red flags. You just have to take risks in love if you feel there is a big reward in the end, which you did. Someone will appreciate your love one day.
preraph Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 She's probably unraveling because her ex is guilting her, not because she still wants him. Abandonment can really mess up how a person picks a partner. One person I know whose father showed no interest when she was young continually with only one exception picked guys who held her at arm's length one way or the other and made her work to be with them and didn't give much in return. So it can be toxic. How you figure into that, I have no idea. Sorry. Give it a couple of weeks and see if there are any new developments, but then move on. Sad.
Author planb1973 Posted September 8, 2018 Author Posted September 8, 2018 Did you ask her for an explanation? Ruminating is the worst! It sucks when communication comes to a halt with no warning and worse' date=' no explanation. That is both sweet and unfortunate that you went all in with your heart, but that's the risk we take. Take the risk again when you heal. People say pay more attention to the red flags in the future. Truth be told, none of us are perfect; we all have red flags. You just have to take risks in love if you feel there is a big reward in the end, which you did. Someone will appreciate your love one day.[/quote'] I didn't get a chance. I was at work in the middle of an important meeting when I glanced at my phone and saw "Just got out of an intense therapy session, Sorry buy I am going to have to end our relationship." I stopped reading at that point and painfully finished my meeting. It did go on to say that she had felt some distance between us over the last couple days due to issues with her ex. Duhh. I felt it. Two nights before I had told her that I did not like that her ex was taking up so much of her emotional space, but I trust her and will be there for her in what ever way she needs me. She was leaving on a road trip with her kids so there was not any time for a conversation. I finally responded later that evening with "I don't even know how to respond, I am utterly in shock." Personally I was happy she was going to see her therapist and hopefully get a handle on this ex thing. I know she feels that if he kills himself that it would be her fault. Obviously there is something way bigger than me to end such a wonderful relationship so quickly and out of nowhere.
salparadise Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 Men do the same thing to women, Salparadise. Thinking it's all about all the bad women out there won't help you or OP going forward. Some don't even give the courtesy of a text - they just ghost. I realize that men do it too. But from my perspective it feels like women are far more prone to ending relationships unexpectedly or with little reason. Divorce statistics confirm that eighty percent of divorces are initiated by the woman. My former girlfriend also ended our relationship after having seen her therapist. I've ended a few dating episodes (not what I'd call relationships) because I just didn't have enough attraction or enthusiasm, or didn't think our personalities were a good match... but of the two longer term relationships I've had in the past decade, the woman ended both. There were no serious problems, no arguments or cheating or anything. They just decided to make a change. Sort of like deciding to rearrange the furniture or paint the living room a different color. Men just want things to be happy, smooth and stable. Women are picky and prone to dissatisfaction based on perceptions and feelings that seem inexplicable from a male's perspective. I'm not saying women are "bad," just that it seems like they're more prone to dissatisfaction in relationships and more prone to end it rather than trying to work on it. It feels like they see men as a commodity with unlimited supply, whereas men seem to be more invested. And therapists are dangerous.
Gretchen12 Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 Did she ever tell you what disorder she has been diagnosed with and is going to therapy for? I guess you're not suicidal? If you're a healthy person, you're gonna be shocked if you stay. The good stuff that happened before, how real were they? Did you ever have a weird sense like she's floating or acting? Does her face look completely different in different photos (as if not the same person?)? Anyway, that's all not for you. But she'll probably contact you again.
Lotsgoingon Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 ... but of the two longer term relationships I've had in the past decade, the woman ended both. There were no serious problems, no arguments or cheating or anything. They just decided to make a change. Sort of like deciding to rearrange the furniture or paint the living room a different color.. Salparadise, trust me: there were problems in the relationship. They simply hid those problems or you didn't pick up on the problems. Just as you say you ended relationships for lack of enthusiasm, these women also had their reasons. I say this because I also was dumped "out of the blue" twice ... and for some crazy reason, I insisted on hearing a reason ... though neither at first wanted to give a reason ... The first woman said she simply didn't feel the physical attraction to me ... and she even described what it was about my looks that didn't work for her! ... She shared this only after I pressed her. The second woman was simply overwhelmed with life and thought I was too intense for her ... She wanted something light and someone who didn't ask her deep questions. Trust me: if you called those women and said you were trying to learn more about yourself ... and told them you are calling ex partners to find out what they REALLY thought and felt in the relationship, you would get some strong and clear reasons. There are just some people out there ... whose outward style and personality is so attractive to us that they can be giving 75 percent ... and the other person feels like the relationship is perfect. Again, I've been in this position ... when I was giving 75 percent ... and yet the other person was just delighted to be with me ... and could not tell that I wasn't all that happy. BTW: a guy I know got drunk late one night and texted about eight women he had slept with ... and asked them really direct questions about how good the sex was ... about his strengths and his weaknesses as a bf. He didn't hear anything back from them and went to bed assuming they had ignored his crazy drunken message. The next morning his phone buzzed like crazy ... All eight or so of the women had responded ... and they gave brutally honest answers ... not totally critical ... Some offered praise for his style and love-making skills. But almost all of them said he was cold and distant ... and they didn't like that. He was shocked. He had no idea these women had all perceived him as cold and distant.
Scorpio13c Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 I realize that men do it too. But from my perspective it feels like women are far more prone to ending relationships unexpectedly or with little reason. Divorce statistics confirm that eighty percent of divorces are initiated by the woman. My former girlfriend also ended our relationship after having seen her therapist. I've ended a few dating episodes (not what I'd call relationships) because I just didn't have enough attraction or enthusiasm, or didn't think our personalities were a good match... but of the two longer term relationships I've had in the past decade, the woman ended both. There were no serious problems, no arguments or cheating or anything. They just decided to make a change. Sort of like deciding to rearrange the furniture or paint the living room a different color. Men just want things to be happy, smooth and stable. Women are picky and prone to dissatisfaction based on perceptions and feelings that seem inexplicable from a male's perspective. I'm not saying women are "bad," just that it seems like they're more prone to dissatisfaction in relationships and more prone to end it rather than trying to work on it. It feels like they see men as a commodity with unlimited supply, whereas men seem to be more invested. And therapists are dangerous. This is very real and I agree! Sal, I was here back in 2007 too, don't remember your username, did you go under another? OP, listen to this wisdom
Author planb1973 Posted September 9, 2018 Author Posted September 9, 2018 Did she ever tell you what disorder she has been diagnosed with and is going to therapy for? I guess you're not suicidal? If you're a healthy person, you're gonna be shocked if you stay. The good stuff that happened before, how real were they? Did you ever have a weird sense like she's floating or acting? Does her face look completely different in different photos (as if not the same person?)? Anyway, that's all not for you. But she'll probably contact you again. Half of what you just said I don't think has to do with me, made me laugh though, I am fairly certain she is from this planet. Though I would say that she looks way different in pictures than in real life, she is not very photogenic. I know she will contact me at some time, they always do. For now I simply unfollowed her on social media so I don't have to see her stuff. I am sure I will hear from her within the next two weeks. Looks like that weekend backpacking trip will be solo.
tryingtoo Posted September 9, 2018 Posted September 9, 2018 As a woman who was dumped 2.5 weeks ago, out of the blue, I find it interesting you seem pretty sure this lady will contact you in two weeks. Do men expect us to? I have not heard one word from my ex.
Author planb1973 Posted September 9, 2018 Author Posted September 9, 2018 As a woman who was dumped 2.5 weeks ago, out of the blue, I find it interesting you seem pretty sure this lady will contact you in two weeks. Do men expect us to? I have not heard one word from my ex. Sorry you are going through the same thing. My experience has been that there is almost always a final conversion. Though this sudden breakup like this has only happened one other time for me. That one at least had some warning. She may not contact me, I am not 100% certain, but due to the nature of our relationship I could not imagine that there will not be at least a conversation. I do know that if I haven't heard anything in two weeks I will initiate a conversation. For you I don't know the nature of your breakup, and I don't know how other men handle things. The majority of the time I am the one being broken up with and typically there is some sort of "goodbye" conversation. How did your breakup transpire?
spiderowl Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 I am sorry for what you are going through. It is horrible when it feels right to you and the signs seem good. Feeling right for one person does not necessarily mean the same for the other. It's not fair, but it's a sad fact. There have been times when I have been with someone and trying to back out of the relationship. The guy has been baffled because 'we get on so well and have similar interests, etc.' From my point of view, the reason we got on so well was because I am a kind person who makes an effort to understand the other person and I make it easy for people to talk to me. I listen to them and try to be understanding. Unfortunately, all that seems to give people the impression it is working well for me too when I might be feeling that it is hard work, he doesn't understand me, and he does not meet my needs. I am sorry you are hurting. I have been blindsided like that too and the only thing that helped in the long run was realising that I would never understand why they changed their mind and acted so cold. I know people don't have to act cold if they split up with you, but that does add to the pain. I hope you recover from this and realise it was almost certainly nothing to do with you but in some way she didn't feel the relationship met her needs. That could happen with anyone.
Author planb1973 Posted September 16, 2018 Author Posted September 16, 2018 I'm still struggling here. Its been just over a week and have not heard one word from her. I just got back from leaving town for a couple days. I thought a nice long drive would clear my head but it did just the opposite. I desperately want some sort of explanation! It is all I can do right now to not reach out and ask for a conversation. At least for some closer. Though right now I am in so much pain I wouldn't want for her to see it. I'm still just at such a loss...
dangerous Posted September 19, 2018 Posted September 19, 2018 PlanB, sorry to hear of your pain, but be aware: abandonment issues like you mentioned she had, can explain her behaviour. I had a GF who suffered previous to me, and out of the blue she dropped me. From full on to zero! Two years later I haven't heard a word! I have NO doubt I was the best thing to have happened to her, and that she will always continue to battle with her past, she had the ability (strength?) to completely compartmentalise her feelings and 'cut out' bits of her life (ie. me) instantly and permamently. So don't dwell. Move on. Yes, sure, analyse whether you could have been a better person in the relatonship, an learn for next time, but the 'problem' is most likely with her and her past issues.
Author planb1973 Posted September 19, 2018 Author Posted September 19, 2018 Thanks Dangerous, I did reach out the other day and simply said "I think I deserve a conversation" She got back to me the following day and agreed. Told her I was free the next two days for coffee. She never responded. It has now been 3 days. It did hit me yesterday in the middle of the night, as I have not been sleeping well. Years ago I was in a 3 year on/off relationship with a borderline. Abandonment being the core of the disorder. That relationship was fueled with rage and hate, breakup and makeup. I started therapy six years ago during the course of that relationship. Learned a lot and got strong. So I googled "passive borderline" and it all lined up. I'm no therapist and not putting a label on her but a lot of the traits are there. And I fell for it hook line and sinker. I feel more at ease after the realization that this woman is severely damaged. It has absolutely nothing to do with me. I am just a guy who fell for a woman. Any thought of reconciliation, which I wanted, is out the door. I can not go through that again, it is not healthy for me. I sympathize for her and wish her the best. Think I might be single for a while, maybe look up some past lovers.
Recommended Posts