Cant 100% work out where I stand with this girl

[hkdfls]

So, I’ve been working with this girl full time for almost a year now and have known her for approx 5 yrs as she was doing a trainee roll throughout our company. In this year, we have become extremely close.

 

When we started working together, I was very unhappy in my marriage (currently going through a divorce now) and she has been in a long term relationship but her partner doesn’t seem to be that invested in their future. He just wants to travel where as she wants to settle down and do the house and family thing.

 

They are always fighting and she doesn’t seem happy with him. He also works for the same company but in a different department at a different location. We bump into him from time to time while carrying out our duties and there is definitely noticeable tension in the air.

 

She is a pretty girl so always gets a lot of attention wherever she goes and is flirty by nature which is why it is hard to read her. She does seem fiercely loyal to him as in wouldn’t cheat on him which is not what I’m trying to achieve but I think that it is because they’ve been together for so long and she’s scared of having to start over again.

 

She has had multiple guys at work try to hit on her which she has shut down rather quickly but she seems to be really comfortable around me and we tend to flirt a lot with each other but I try not to step over the line. I do get a few cheeky innuendos in every now and again which she loves. Co workers have commented to me about our "interesting" work relationship.

 

When things started getting really bad between my wife and I, she was rather interested in the goings on and also opened up to me with all the issues she was having with her partner.

 

She’s already told me that when everything is settled and I have my house back to myself that I need to have a party as she wants to come around and have some drinks. She never mentioned if she was going to bring her partner and if not, I’m thinking that she’d probably have to stay the night after drinking. as she currently lives a bit over an hour away from me.

 

She always makes mention of our similar interests and tastes in music etc. and specifically compares me to her partner in the fact that I know her too well and I “just understand & get” her really well compared to him.

 

We are best friends on Snapchat even though her partner has it and I do occasionally get a late night chat session from her through it. She knew that my wife didn’t like me having female friends (in real life or social media) so when I told her that she wasn’t accepting the fact that I was leaving her she made me add her on Facebook & messenger and on several occasions has jokingly stated that she needs to come around and sort her out for me.

 

She always sends me funny pictures & videos through messenger too even though she shares them on Facebook and knows that I would see them on there. When we are out getting lunch & dinner (while away for work) people quite often confuse us for a couple and a few co-workers have said we are cute together. She's always laughed this off but I'm assuming people have noticed good chemistry between us.

 

We also go away for extended periods as a part of our work so we spend a lot of time together having dinners & drinks. She gets super flirty and touchy towards me after a few drinks. On our most recent outing last weekend with quite a few coworkers heading out for drinks, she was instigating a lot of touching & at one point I even noticed her softly tapping her butt into mine while enjoying the live band.

 

When returning to our accommodation I just had a sudden urge to put my arm around her waist and as I did she did the same to me and pulled in tight while walking side by side back to our rooms. Then when we were deciding what time to start work in the morning I was showing her my phone messages to another co worker and she was pressing her breasts into my arms quite heavily.

 

I mean she is shorter than me and they are quite large but it still seemed like she wanted to be close.

 

I know it may sound like a sure fire thing but I’ve never really been one that girls take an interest in, let alone pretty ones as I’m quite a shy guy and hopeless at reading signals from girls.

 

I really value our working relationship too so I don’t want to screw that up either unless I’m 100% sure.

 

In my head, it seems like there is much more than just a friendship there but that may just be because I want there to be. For all I know, I could just be someone that she is really comfortable around and that she trusts.

 

I think she may be waiting for me to finalise things with my wife before proceeding but I cant be sure. She's said she's told her partner to leave many times if he really wants to travel but now he seems to be trying to keep her happy as I think he's realised how close he is to losing her.

 

I've actually never physically mentioned the idea of the both of us getting together either yet as I'm treading a fine balance on staying work appropriate.

 

Apologies for such a long post but I wanted to get as much info in as possible.

[Lotsgoingon]

She's still in a relationship. Good or bad, happy or unhappy, she is still partnered--is that correct?

 

But she is definitely flirting.

 

Time to be a real grownup. If you can put your arms around a woman ... then you can also open your mouth and have a conversation about what's going on between you two.

 

This post is all about what does she think? What's her intention?

 

Time for YOU to be clear on what you want! And what you think of her! She's pretty, and flirty and touchy ... OK, I know tons of pretty, flirty and touchy people who would make terrible partners.

 

Are you interested? ... If so, you need to say so.

 

Otherwise, you're just being passive ... and giving her all the power ... and you're not protecting yourself. So if she had called you to her room on that work adventure, would you have gone? ... And if she had taken off her clothes, would you have taken yours off?

 

Get clear on this. Speaking for myself, I don't like dating women who are partnered, whether they are happy in the partnership or not. And I don't care how touchy and flirty they are. So I would be drawing a boundary.

 

If she's interested in me, she needs to first get out of her relationship. Then we can talk and touch. So I would have drawn a line against the touching ... partly because I'm paranoid of violent jealous lovers! I also just don't like sneaking around. Relationships are challenging enough without sneakiness being in the picture.

 

Right now, you're not owning up to your feelings. You're hiding. Step up! Say something. Anything along the lines of: Look, it seems like we're really comfortable with each other ... and I really like you and think you're wonderful ... but you're dating someone, what's going on?

 

So I ask: if she is still partnered, what exactly do you want from her? An affair? A fling? If you want to date her or have a fling with her, but you need her to be single first, say that!

[preraph]

I mean you said she's flirty with everyone, so that's just her she may just feel very comfortable with you becauseshe may just feel very comfortable with you because she knows you are attached and you know she is attached and she may have come to trust you like a brother and feel sisterly toward you. we just can't be sure.

 

but one thing you can be sure about is she seems to be trying to keep her relationship going with her man and he seems to be trying now too. I certainly wouldn't make any life decisions based on gambling that she wants you.

 

People who are social and flirty can't get very touchy at work although these days it's not a good idea. I had a real casual low-paying job when I was young and I was often sitting on one of my co-workers laps at meetings and stuff like that.

 

So don't make any life decisions gambling on her. she sounds like she's kind of into her relationship at least enough to be trying to maintain it. I mean there's nothing at all to keep her from leaving since she's will employed and everything so if she wanted to leave him there's nothing to stop her. So that means she doesn't want to leave him.

 

you're jumping to all kinds of conclusions about her making that comment that you should have a party after you have the house to yourself. She said party. she didn't say just her coming. if she's still with the guy she's going to bring him.

 

The tension you're noticing at work is her man noticing her being flirty with other people at work probably.

 

Good luck whatever happens. But stop daydreaming about it because of this time you're both still partnered up.

[hkdfls]

Thanks for the replies so far, it's great to get some other perspectives on the matter, especially seeing as I'm quite useless when it comes to reading signals from females.

 

I am separated from my partner with no intention of going back. We are still in the same house but living separately. I am just waiting to finalise the payout for the house & assets etc. so she can move out completely. Regardless of what happens with this girl I am still following through with the divorce for the sake of my own mental health.

 

Yes, she is still currently with her partner although she does complain about him everyday wishing that he's just hurry up & go instead of complaining about not being able to travel.

 

As for my intentions towards her. I do not see her as a conquest or just a sex object. I actually want to be with her as she genuinely makes me happy and has managed to bring out a good side of me that I have not seen for many years. I think that her and I are very well suited.

 

If she had called me into her room that night, it probably would have given me the opportunity / courage to start the conversation about "us" and where we are headed. I honestly wouldn't have had sex with her while she is still in a relationship and I'm pretty sure she wouldn't allow it anyway.

 

I guess what I really need to do is see if anything changes with her after my wife moves out for good. That should give me a pretty clear indication if she wants to get closer to me or not.

[BaileyB]

I think she may be waiting for me to finalise things with my wife before proceeding but I cant be sure.

 

She would be a smart woman if this is what she is doing. You would be wise to do the same.

 

Once you are divorced and out of the house, if she really wanted to be with you, she would leave her partner. None of this "she has told him to leave if he wants to travel" business... The fact that she hasn't left him yet, tells you that there is something there because she has obviously decided to stay with him for a reason...

[smackie9]

Just because you get along like gangbusters doesn't mean romantic interest on her end. Women, and I'll admit to this, enjoy emotional bonding with people. And that is all it is, emotional, friend zone bonding. She's just being a buddy. She's flirty and friendly because it makes her feel good about herself, and it's her personality. You are letting your feelings see things that are not there. Women can easily be emotionally attached without sexual interest.

[Lotsgoingon]

You leaving solves only half the problem. She is still partnered.

 

She complains about her partner ... my reply: so what!? ... Half the spouses in the world complain about their partners ... doesn't mean they're going to leave the partner.'

 

You still haven't said what you want ... You want to date her exclusively? ... Or are you willing to date her while she is still partnered? Because as far as I'm concerned, as long as she's partnered, nothing else matters.

 

It's always best to not assume a person of interest will leave their partner. Some people are quite comfortable with strained relationships. Some people can be positively miserable and still not leave their relationships.

 

Still not hearing exactly what you want here and what your plan is.

[preraph]

Complaining about one's partner is pretty much the mainstay of being friends with someone. She probably complains to all her girlfriends about it, and no way of knowing if you are simply in that same category. People use friends to vent about their partners.

[hkdfls]

You leaving solves only half the problem. She is still partnered.

 

She complains about her partner ... my reply: so what!? ... Half the spouses in the world complain about their partners ... doesn't mean they're going to leave the partner.'

 

You still haven't said what you want ... You want to date her exclusively? ... Or are you willing to date her while she is still partnered? Because as far as I'm concerned, as long as she's partnered, nothing else matters.

 

It's always best to not assume a person of interest will leave their partner. Some people are quite comfortable with strained relationships. Some people can be positively miserable and still not leave their relationships.

 

Still not hearing exactly what you want here and what your plan is.

 

My intention would to be start dating her if she were to leave her partner. There's no way I'd be with someone who is still in a relationship and I know for a fact that she wouldn't either. And this is all assuming that she does actually feel the same way about me and doesn't just see me as a really good friend who she is comfortable around.

 

As I said earlier, I think I need to get my end sorted out to see if anything changes between us as in she was waiting for me to be completely free before taking the plunge herself. I will be finalising my separation / divorce regardless of what happens with this other girl as she has nothing to do with the reasons for me leaving my wife.

 

She told me a couple of days ago that she knows that him trying at the relationship is only going to be a temporary thing until he saves up enough money to go travelling again. He just see's her as somewhere to stay when he's back in the country. She's currently saving to buy a house of her own as she's sick of waiting for him to be ready.

 

I guess I'll just have to get my **** together and see where things end up.

[Highndry]

There is no doubt she if flirting with you by the way you have described it. Here's my problem with the situation: She's emotionally cheating on her boyfriend. How do you know that he's not totally smitten with her, doing everything he can, yet she's off flirting because one man just isn't enough?

 

There's this old saying "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." Put yourself in her boyfriend's shoes for a moment, then ask yourself if this is the kind of woman you'd want to be tangled up with. I'd pass, because I don't like women who are sampling another menu while I'm still their main course.

Edited September 9, 2018 by Highndry

[hkdfls]

There is no doubt she if flirting with you by the way you have described it. Here's my problem with the situation: She's emotionally cheating on her boyfriend. How do you know that he's not totally smitten with her, doing everything he can, yet she's off flirting because one man just isn't enough?

 

There's this old saying "if they'll do it with you, they'll do it to you." Put yourself in her boyfriend's shoes for a moment, then ask yourself if this is the kind of woman you'd want to be tangled up with. I'd pass, because I don't like women who are sampling another menu while I'm still their main course.

 

While I would generally agree with you with that statement, I think it may also be because I've shown interest and appreciation for her & her life and not just trying to get in her pants like other guys that have tried before.

 

She knows that I really do care about her (I have told her this before) and from what I understand she has been getting very little to no intimacy from him for some time now. While I have only heard her side of the story in regards to him, I really do get the impression he doesn't care about her anywhere as near as much as he may have earlier on in the relationship.

 

She has been with him for nearly 10 years and as I've said earlier, she is still loyal to him but that may be out of fear of going it alone. While she is "emotionally cheating" on him she would never "physically cheat" on him which I know doesn't make it right.

 

But I guess as humans, we try and seek out the things we are missing in our lives and I guess for her it is some kind of emotional connection.

 

Like I said, I need to get myself free'd up and see if that gives her the confidence to make a leap of faith because she really is a great girl that deserves more appreciation than she's currently receiving.

 

She basically describes their relationship as being room mates which I think sums it up pretty well.

[Lotsgoingon]

She has already "physically cheated on him."

 

By rubbing her body up against yours. Not full-scale sex, but definitely a violation of any exclusive relationship.

 

All that flirting and touching you ... totally "cheating."