What’s Actually Going On?

[RandomPuzzle]

I’m new to this forum and need help understanding what’s going on.

 

I’ve been on 3 dates with this man who is great to talk to in person and things are clicking, but is a horrible texter and super busy (I guess these 2 things go together)?

 

We had 2 dates within a week and then he had to travel for work for a bit, and somehow it ended up taking a month before we saw each other again. The conversations while on dates are pretty deep, but if I send emails or texts they might as well go into the ether.

 

I am not entirely sure where we stand, but he basically said on our last date that his goal is to get married and have kids and if I am just seeing him for hangouts it’s going to be a problem, so he wants to talk about that in a future conversation.

 

I am entirely okay with that, but am not sure how we can actually get from not having enough time to get to know each other and not communicating in a way that fulfills me to a long term relationship. I haven’t had a chance to broach any of these issues because it’s been three dates and I usually like to sit back and figure out the reality of the situation before I get too riled up about anything.

 

I was both physically and emotionally attracted to him, but now find myself not so sure how this will even work because we don’t have that many avenues to communicate and we are unable to communicate that often.

 

What should I do? Is this worth taking the long view on and being patient with? There are some days when I feel like there are a thousand things I have bottled up that I want to say but can’t because I don’t think I will hear any feedback, unless we’re on an actual date. Please give advice?

[FMW]

I prefer hashing out the important stuff face to face anyway. Texting is only for quick hi, how are you or confirming dates, times, directions, etc.

 

On your next date express your reservations and concerns. Tell him what you need from him as far as communication goes. He sounds serious minded so he should be open to discussing everything fully.

[alphamale]

don't put the cart before the horse...in other words it's only been three dates and you're already naming the kids, go with the flow

[RandomPuzzle]

I prefer hashing out the important stuff face to face anyway. Texting is only for quick hi, how are you or confirming dates, times, directions, etc.

 

On your next date express your reservations and concerns. Tell him what you need from him as far as communication goes. He sounds serious minded so he should be open to discussing everything fully.

At first we had some texts exchanging pleasantries, but 2 weeks into the one month gap he stopped and have just used text to confirm our 3rd date. Every now and then I’ll just text a hello and such, but no expectation of reply whatsoever.

 

I think he’s so busy that it’s out of sight out of mind at this point. Based on my understanding of his situation, I can see how that might be. So I get it. My problem is although I’m fairly certain there will be a next date I have no idea when that will be. It could be a weekend, a week, or a month. In the meantime, all these emotions are being bottled up and I’m not sure I know how to deal with them except to squash them. But the reality is if I squash them, I have to also squash the feelings I have for him.

 

I don’t know if there will be anything left by the next time I see him. Is there a way to deal the emotions positively instead of negatively in the meantime?

Edited September 7, 2018 by RandomPuzzle

[RandomPuzzle]

don't put the cart before the horse...in other words it's only been three dates and you're already naming the kids, go with the flow

I agree with you. There are no kids’ names involved.

 

I’m actually tire and frustrated with the pauses in between and because I’m now actively trying to shut off my feelings so that I don’t have to feel crazy and bottled up in the meantime, I am wondering if I should give up altogether.

 

I need to feel emotionally stable, and the interaction is creating instability in my life. My first instinct will always be to get myself out of the situation. The question is whether I should hang on longer and see if I can work through it.

[mortensorchid]

I don't like the sounds of what HE's saying with this. I've met people with an MO before. I have known a few women who were gold diggers / users - they weren't friends with others unless there was something in it for them, they were complete and total shrews to other women around them but put a man in the blend and they were sweet as honey, etc. I have also met some men with an MO - two of them were looking to get married RIGHT NOW. One I may have liked but he showed his true colors as an arrogant snob who put down my self esteem and made me feel like I was inferior to him so I said next to him. The other also wanted to get married RIGHT NOW and after we dated for a grand total of 5 weeks he decided I wasn't The One for him. Couple that with the fact that it was okay for him to not like the fact that I smoked cigarettes and he could find that disgusting, but it was not okay that he told me he had a mental illness and I was uncomfortable with that, this was not a match made in heaven. But I digress ...

 

The texting issue is only to deliver a quick message of "hi how are you", or confirm dates, times, locations, etc. It's not to have a deep, meaningful conversation on. If you need to have a deep, meaningful conversation, have a face to face or phone call. DONE.

 

As for his wants/needs? His are alright, but ... Be cautious and don't jump into things too quickly. Be smart but not cowardly.

[RandomPuzzle]

I don't like the sounds of what HE's saying with this. I've met people with an MO before. I have known a few women who were gold diggers / users - they weren't friends with others unless there was something in it for them, they were complete and total shrews to other women around them but put a man in the blend and they were sweet as honey, etc. I have also met some men with an MO - two of them were looking to get married RIGHT NOW. One I may have liked but he showed his true colors as an arrogant snob who put down my self esteem and made me feel like I was inferior to him so I said next to him. The other also wanted to get married RIGHT NOW and after we dated for a grand total of 5 weeks he decided I wasn't The One for him. Couple that with the fact that it was okay for him to not like the fact that I smoked cigarettes and he could find that disgusting, but it was not okay that he told me he had a mental illness and I was uncomfortable with that, this was not a match made in heaven. But I digress ...

 

The texting issue is only to deliver a quick message of "hi how are you", or confirm dates, times, locations, etc. It's not to have a deep, meaningful conversation on. If you need to have a deep, meaningful conversation, have a face to face or phone call. DONE.

 

As for his wants/needs? His are alright, but ... Be cautious and don't jump into things too quickly. Be smart but not cowardly.

I agree with you on that too. So far I think he meant it in the I’m serious and don’t want to be played around with way. There was no timeframe attached to it and based on everything that’s happening I highly doubt it’s a now thing. I think he wanted to confirm my intentions sooner rather than later. I think that’s fair.

 

I have not bothered calling at all because if he doesn’t have time to text and ask how my day is, I doubt he has time for calls.

 

So I’m really trying to see what my limits are in regards to being left alone and if I can find a way to deal with my emotions other than just squashing them and in the process also squash my feelings for him.

[Gretchen12]

I had a similar experience. The situation created a lot of anxiety and negative feelings for him. Getting him to text back was like pulling teeth. But, let's say the guy wants to make money, then he would call me right away (like within 30 seconds) if I texted him with a possible money making lead. That's his focus. The marriage and children thing he wants, only because other men have that. There was also a guy who told me he'd have a better chance at making partner at his firm if he was married. Anyway back to this guy I was dating: so I started to dislike him. And then I met and fell in love with another guy. So of course I stopped thinking about busy guy and stopped waiting for the next date. And you know what? He never contacted me but I don't care anymore.

[RandomPuzzle]

I had a similar experience. The situation created a lot of anxiety and negative feelings for him. Getting him to text back was like pulling teeth. But, let's say the guy wants to make money, then he would call me right away (like within 30 seconds) if I texted him with a possible money making lead. That's his focus. The marriage and children thing he wants, only because other men have that. There was also a guy who told me he'd have a better chance at making partner at his firm if he was married. Anyway back to this guy I was dating: so I started to dislike him. And then I met and fell in love with another guy. So of course I stopped thinking about busy guy and stopped waiting for the next date. And you know what? He never contacted me but I don't care anymore.

So I guess what you’re saying is I should let my feelings do its thing and if my feelings for him die then so be it?

 

I think the thing that makes me really frustrated is that the feelings I have for him are stronger than anything else I’ve felt in 5 years. I have dated other people in that time and didn’t feel this way.

 

Should I just let my feelings do its thing and not try to reason with this?

[Gretchen12]

I came to the conclusion that I cannot make him do what he doesn't want to do. I had very strong feelings for the guy. We dated for 4 months. I was satisfied that I tried everything. Of course I also don't rule out there being another woman.

 

Your feelings, however strong, cannot change his behavior. And if your feelings are much stronger than they should be, given the limited amount of time he spent with you, then you have to check yourself. How well do you actually know him?

 

By being unavailable, he made you think about him. Thinking about him is an investment. So now you are invested, and the investment creates attachment. The strong feelings develop within you during all those hours wondering when he'll ask you out.

[RandomPuzzle]

don't put the cart before the horse...in other words it's only been three dates and you're already naming the kids, go with the flow

 

I came to the conclusion that I cannot make him do what he doesn't want to do. I had very strong feelings for the guy. We dated for 4 months. I was satisfied that I tried everything. Of course I also don't rule out there being another woman.

 

Your feelings, however strong, cannot change his behavior. And if your feelings are much stronger than they should be, given the limited amount of time he spent with you, then you have to check yourself. How well do you actually know him?

 

By being unavailable, he made you think about him. Thinking about him is an investment. So now you are invested, and the investment creates attachment. The strong feelings develop within you during all those hours wondering when he'll ask you out.

 

Got it. That makes sense. I think it’s all relative in that I was completely numb for 5 years. So in a way, regardless of whether this works out, I’m grateful that I can at least feel something and if I end up moving on I know that that spark is still in me somewhere. For a long time, I just gave up. In a lot of ways even the frustration is at least some kind of feeling, rather than being numb. So I get it.

 

I think I’ll just take it a day at a time and see where it goes. If I end up not feeling anything by the next time I see him then so be it and I’ll just tell the truth. If I do still feel something then I’ll bring up my concern.

[FMW]

I think it’s all relative in that I was completely numb for 5 years. So in a way, regardless of whether this works out, I’m grateful that I can at least feel something and if I end up moving on I know that that spark is still in me somewhere.

 

I can so very much relate to that. So what you can do is look at this as a valuable experience that woke you up and affirmed you really can feel something for someone. But don't count on this guy to go the distance. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But right now he's showing you this (relationship with you) isn't a priority for him so do NOT make it a priority for you.

 

Be open to meeting and getting to know other men. It's up to this guy to show you he's worth your time. He's not showing that right now.

[RandomPuzzle]

I can so very much relate to that. So what you can do is look at this as a valuable experience that woke you up and affirmed you really can feel something for someone. But don't count on this guy to go the distance. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But right now he's showing you this (relationship with you) isn't a priority for him so do NOT make it a priority for you.

 

Be open to meeting and getting to know other men. It's up to this guy to show you he's worth your time. He's not showing that right now.

 

Funny you mention that. Yesterday after I posted this my friend texted me saying his friend wanted to meet me. I’m usually a one person at a time dater, but right now I feel like I should meet with this other person, regardless.

[smackie9]

That's your problem....you are way too invested when it's only been 3 dates. Your brain is telling you this isn't working out because he's not fulfilling your expectations for a relationship and most people would have bailed and dated other people by now. But your lustful heart is pushing you to hang in there because you haven't felt this way in 5 years.

 

 

 

Do the right thing....date other people.

 

 

 

I have been told, men don't text or call you because they don't want to. If you were a priority he would definitely make the effort for fear of losing you. I don't think this guy expects you to wait for him.

[RandomPuzzle]

That's your problem....you are way too invested when it's only been 3 dates. Your brain is telling you this isn't working out because he's not fulfilling your expectations for a relationship and most people would have bailed and dated other people by now. But your lustful heart is pushing you to hang in there because you haven't felt this way in 5 years.

 

 

 

Do the right thing....date other people.

 

 

 

I have been told, men don't text or call you because they don't want to. If you were a priority he would definitely make the effort for fear of losing you. I don't think this guy expects you to wait for him.

Can you help me with what it usually should feel like after the 3rd date? I don’t think I have enough subjectivity and because I feel like my emotions are not “calibrated” correctly I don’t really know what’s normal or not and too invested or not?

[smackie9]

Nothing wrong with "liking" someone, but when it starts to cloud your better judgment, you are in too deep too soon. A lot of people get into trouble this way, and end up ignoring the red flags, keep giving them the benefit of a doubt. Then they become so attached making it harder to walk away.

 

 

 

I am just giving you insight...I'm not scolding you or calling you an idiot with your feelings. I have been there myself. I have learned it's not healthy to chase after someone who doesn't put in full effort or can't fulfills your expectations.

 

 

 

That's why we are here....we have been through it. A lot of us are in our 40's, 50's and 60's. Lots of experiences to share, and give advice on.

[RandomPuzzle]

Nothing wrong with "liking" someone, but when it starts to cloud your better judgment, you are in too deep too soon. A lot of people get into trouble this way, and end up ignoring the red flags, keep giving them the benefit of a doubt. Then they become so attached making it harder to walk away.

 

 

 

I am just giving you insight...I'm not scolding you or calling you an idiot with your feelings. I have been there myself. I have learned it's not healthy to chase after someone who doesn't put in full effort or can't fulfills your expectations.

 

 

 

That's why we are here....we have been through it. A lot of us are in our 40's, 50's and 60's. Lots of experiences to share, and give advice on.

I’m actually really grateful that you guys are taking the time to reply to my messages. I don’t think I’m going to figure this out by myself and really appreciate having a few shoulders to lean on.

 

I spent yesterday trying to figure out why I’m having such a strong reaction to this and I now don’t think it even has to do with this guy in particular. I think it’s the sense of being unmoored and not knowing myself and my truth that’s really freaking me out.

 

Before all of this I was happy by myself. I was ready to spend the rest of my life without a significant other. But now I’m not so sure. It’s scary that I feel like I may not truly know myself and know what I want any more.

 

And also I have a tendency to want to try the hardest I can in everything I do and so the first thing I do is question whether there is more to be done or more that I could’ve done or could be doing?

Edited September 8, 2018 by RandomPuzzle
Posted before I finished my sentence.

[Versacehottie]

I can so very much relate to that. So what you can do is look at this as a valuable experience that woke you up and affirmed you really can feel something for someone. But don't count on this guy to go the distance. Maybe he will, maybe he won't. But right now he's showing you this (relationship with you) isn't a priority for him so do NOT make it a priority for you.

 

Be open to meeting and getting to know other men. It's up to this guy to show you he's worth your time. He's not showing that right now.

 

I agree with the bolded. I also am wondering when he reappears, suddenly has time for you and asks for a date, do you just say yes like you've been patiently waiting for him to ask? If so, that's a mistake. If you want to show him he has to value your time and prioritize you then you should not leave your schedule wide open for him. Even if you are relatively open just due to the way you are, I would show him the lesson.

 

Also agree with whoever said putting cart before the horse. It's been a handful of dates and a statement that he wants to be serious. Yet without the actions to back it up that he wants to be serious with you, I would put that statement out of my mind because it's not relevant...yet. You are acting like a girlfriend before you are one and that tends to suck the life out of budding relationships. This guy might not truly have much time and in addition could feel not so inspired because of the current dynamic. yes it's a thing. Pull back. Good luck

[damni]

Smackie it right.

 

I know it is difficult, especially when you found someone you are physically/emotionally connected too but REMEMBER, you do not know this man. He is showing you through actions, you are not much of an priority or even on his mind.

 

From my dating experience, men who do not bother with contact are just not that into you. I had guys, be really into me when we are on dates but when im gone...they dont care and I barely got texts. Those men, it never went anywhere. Also the lack of dates is a real issue as well.

 

You need throw this one back into the sea and start dating others again..