Boyfriend is acting weird

[ConfusedHippo]

Hello all, this is quite long but I really need advice. I appreciate you reading this and please give your opinion.

 

My boyfriend and I have been dating for four years. I am 23 and he is 26. Over these four years, he has become my best friend and we have done everything together. I am really comfortable around him and I feel like I can really be myself around him. I always took out my anger on him and my anger stemmed from external factors but also from his actions. I always felt like I was his last priority and that he did not care enough about me or spend time with me. He rarely showed affection, told me he loved me, or initiated sex, and would often blow off spending time with me. Despite this, I believe I love him and adore him, and I really want this relationship to be successful.

 

I met a co worker who came onto me quite strong. I liked the attention I was getting from this person at first and eventually agreed to go to dinner which I disclosed to my boyfriend. It did not go further than this and I made it clear to this person I was not interested. I thought this was okay at the time because my boyfriend always hung out alone with one of his female friends (who he says he sees as a sister), but I realize it is different and what I did was completely unjustified.

 

Months later, my boyfriend started acting more distant and did not seem interested in spending time with me at all. After two weeks of not hanging out, I called him on the weekend and asked him to come over to which he agreed. I was really excited and dolled myself up and put on cute lingerie. He did not show up and I texted him asking if he was coming. He replied "too lazy" and I did not reply after that.

 

Three days later I asked if I could get something from him. He came over and I asked if everything was okay. He replied he wants time and space, and it is exhausting dealing with me. Understandably, he told me he lost feelings when I went to dinner with another man and that he no longer trusted me and it would always bother him. I cried and begged for a second chance but eventually stopped when I realized that he made his decision.

 

That night I drank a third of a bottle of rum thinking it would help me sleep and relax. I ended up on the kitchen floor with my head in my own vomit and crying until I passed out. For the next two weeks, I was crying hysterically every time I had a moment alone to the point where my eyes were swollen. I begged God for a second chance every single night. I could not eat or sleep, and started using weed to help me relax. I have never had this reaction before.

 

My boyfriend reached out after two weeks of no contact and he randomly showed up at my work and asked me to dinner. After dinner he tried to have sex with me, and after this he acted like everything was fine and nothing had happened. He told his mom and several friends we broke up and were hanging out as friends. Despite this, we continued to spend a lot of time together and continued to have sex.

 

Him and my uncle are quite close, as my uncle helps my boyfriend with investing in property. While we were broken up, my boyfriend continued to message my uncle asking for advice with a house he is building. My uncle pressed him asking what was going on between us, to which my boyfriend disclosed what I did and asked my uncle what he would do in that situation. I was angry and devastated that my boyfriend decided to involve my family like this, as I believe everything should remain between us. I felt it was extremely inappropriate for them to be talking in this way about our relationship. I felt really ashamed and did not want to show my face around my uncle after this.

 

During this time, I pushed myself to do counselling because I really wanted to improve myself so this relationship could be successful. I wanted help with my severe anger issues (that I have struggled with since childhood) and I really needed help dealing with the guilt I felt for doing wrong to my boyfriend.

 

My boyfriend then took me on a two week trip to Asia (I paid for myself). On this trip he was really affectionate and loving towards me, but continued to joke that we were just friends. I noticed his ex-girlfriend on his snapchat, instagram, and messages. I briefly questioned him about this and found out he ran into her at work and took her out to eat (I am very sure this was before he ended things). I did not press him and just said "ok" as we were still on vacation. He also told me he took several other girls to lunch, and told them that I broke up with him? He ran into an old friend and told her the same thing.

 

I felt really hurt knowing he took his ex out to eat. I feel he is a hypocrite, since he keeps saying he now has trust issues and cannot trust anyone, when he did the same thing I did, but hid it from me at the time. I am angry he has made me look like the villain by telling my uncle and telling his friends I was the one who broke up with him. I have pushed all of this to the back of my mind as I am afraid I will lose him.

 

Today, he continues to joke around saying we are just friends. I feel taken advantage of because he knows I care a lot. He continues to let me pay for his meals or make him lunch. He continues to ask me for favours such as babysitting his dog or driving him. He continues to ask my uncle for help with the house he is building. He continues to text me constantly. When I ask him if he just wants to be friends, he pretends not to understand me and will not answer. It is really hard for me to pull away since I have really strong feelings and we will still see each other at school. I feel he still has feelings for me too, so I am just really confused. I do not feel this is healthy for me and I still end up crying every other night.

 

Thank you for reading

[Zahara]

I’m sorry you are hurting. Your douchefriend is only using you for sex and benefits. He doesn’t love you or care for you and is very clearly showing you that the relationship is over.

 

I’m not sure why you went out to dinner with another man. I can predict that it was to make him jealous in hopes of triggering and emotional response from him. Regardless, he was likely already checked out by then.

 

Stop hanging out with him. Stop communicating with him. Let him go. Cut the cord. He is not your friend. The longer you hover around him, the more hurt you’re going to cause for yourself.

 

Seek counseling because you want to better yourself for YOU and not because you’re trying to resurrect a dead relationship.

[d0nnivain]

First you have to figure out what you want.

 

If you are done, stop with the lunches & the favors. No more hanging out as friends. Put some distance in her.

 

If you want to reconcile you both have to talk & discuss your expectations. That will have to entail agreements about dining with others. But you are both going to have to completely let go of everything that happened between the time you had dinner with the co-worker & the day you agree to get back together. It has to be a relatively clean slate with both of you forgiving & more importantly forgetting about the other people who came between you.

 

As for your Ex involving your uncle he did it because he & your uncle are friends. He didn't seek out our uncle for purposes of shaming you. He talked to his mentor.

[Redhead14]

I always felt like I was his last priority and that he did not care enough about me or spend time with me. He rarely showed affection, told me he loved me, or initiated sex, and would often blow off spending time with me. Despite this, I believe I love him and adore him, and I really want this relationship to be successful.

Months later, my boyfriend started acting more distant and did not seem interested in spending time with me at all. -- He was distant all along. I don't see how he could get more distant.

 

He did not show up and I texted him asking if he was coming. He replied "too lazy" and I did not reply after that.

Sweetie, I don't wish to add to your pain but I think you really need to be taken by the shoulders and given a good shaking. This man is not a "boyfriend". He wasn't in the beginning and he isn't changing.

 

Today, he continues to joke around saying we are just friends. I feel taken advantage of. He continues to let me pay for his meals or make him lunch. He continues to ask me for favours such as babysitting his dog or driving him.

 

I feel he still has feelings for me too, -- There is not one thinG you've said that supports this statement.

 

He is a parasite and is sucking the life out of you. He isn't taking advantage of you, you are allowing yourself to be taken advantage of. You are not in love with HIM. You are in love with the man you wish he would be and the idea of having a relationship PERIOD.

 

A strong, secure, mature, independent woman would not tolerate this kind of treatment -- BE THAT WOMAN!

 

 

End this as soon as possible!

Edited September 7, 2018 by Redhead14

[bathtub-row]

How is it that he took you on a trip if you paid for yourself? I think that shows just how skewed your thinking is on this whole issue. You’re not looking at things clearly.

 

You’re tolerating bad behavior from this guy when he’s clearly just trying to get you to break up with him. In the meantime, he’s sticking around for the sex. As far as your anger issues are concerned, definitely get a handle on that. It’s completely unworkable in any relationship.

 

Here’s a hard truth - just because you love someone is not a reason to stay with them. The feelings and respect have to be mutual. You clinging to a bad relationship is just you wanting to force the issue and not give up control - which is probably at the heart of your anger issues. You will not always gets what you want in life and when your expectations aren’t met, you need to find a more constructive and mature way of handing that.

[preraph]

He's not joking when he says you're just friends. He is telling you he feels no obligation toward you whatsoever and sees no future with you and meanwhile, because you're letting him, he's just taking whatever you offer. He doesn't have feelings for you.

[ExpatInItaly]

This guy has been trying to fluff you off for ages, OP.

 

And like bathtub-row said too, I can't see how you can say he took you to Asia when you paid for yourself. You took yourself to Asia, girl.

 

He doesn't have feelings for you. He just likes that you are at his beck and call and buying him dinners and doing him favours. It is very clear that he isn't going to be the boyfriend you want or deserve. It's also very clear that he's seeing other girls while you two are "just friends."

 

It's time to end this craziness and cut him off. This relationship died a long time ago.

[zivo]

It's not a joke if its being said multiple times. When people say the same joke like this over and over again its usually to low key tell you the truth. I've noticed even myself doing this and have had others do it to myself. He could low key be testing you and trying to see what you really want, and if you want to go the extra mile to make him truly your boyfriend. But if hes constantly joking about this then he definitely doesn't see you guys currently in a relationship the way you want to be , but again, not all hope is lost as he could also be doing this to see how much you want it first.

 

Also him telling your uncle... it sucks but I wouldnt hold that against him. If anything hes trying to figure things out and that shows he cares. If he didnt ask anyone then he wouldnt have cared at all. Asking around for advice means he cares at least to some extent.

[ExpatInItaly]

It's not a joke if its being said multiple times. When people say the same joke like this over and over again its usually to low key tell you the truth. I've noticed even myself doing this and have had others do it to myself. He could low key be testing you and trying to see what you really want, and if you want to go the extra mile to make him truly your boyfriend. But if hes constantly joking about this then he definitely doesn't see you guys currently in a relationship the way you want to be , but again, not all hope is lost as he could also be doing this to see how much you want it first.

 

Also him telling your uncle... it sucks but I wouldnt hold that against him. If anything hes trying to figure things out and that shows he cares. If he didnt ask anyone then he wouldnt have cared at all. Asking around for advice means he cares at least to some extent.

He didn't ask for advice on the relationship. He asked for advice about his business, as her uncle helps him invest. The uncle asked what happened with OP, and her ex told him. I don't see where he asked for help from anyone regarding the relationship, though.

 

I also have to strongly disagree that he's joking about being friends as a way to test to OP. I believe, given how lackadaisical and uninterested he appeared to be towards OP, that he "jokes" about this as a way to remind her that her that they aren't a couple and he can do what he wants with other girls. I don't know if you missed the entire post before that, but I am rather surprised anyone would hint that OP needs to go the extra mile for this guy.

[ConfusedHippo]

He didn't ask for advice on the relationship. He asked for advice about his business, as her uncle helps him invest. The uncle asked what happened with OP, and her ex told him. I don't see where he asked for help from anyone regarding the relationship, though.

 

Yes I believe his motivation for telling my uncle was to get on his good side again, since he knew my uncle would no longer help him if he hurt me. My uncle started pulling away when he found out we broke up and I believe my ex was worried.

 

My ex seems overly concerned about my uncle. He was angry that my uncle found out about the break up in the first place, and at one point said he does not think we could not get back together since my uncle knows. He kept asking if my uncle said anything when he found out. When he broke up with me, he said he wanted to remain friends because he is close to my family and I am his best friend. My ex's mother has said before that it would be great if my uncle could mentor my ex so he could learn how to make money and step into this industry. My ex is now using our realtor and designers for his house. They want to keep this relationship so they can make money lol.

[ConfusedHippo]

It's not a joke if its being said multiple times. When people say the same joke like this over and over again its usually to low key tell you the truth. I've noticed even myself doing this and have had others do it to myself. He could low key be testing you and trying to see what you really want, and if you want to go the extra mile to make him truly your boyfriend. But if hes constantly joking about this then he definitely doesn't see you guys currently in a relationship the way you want to be , but again, not all hope is lost as he could also be doing this to see how much you want it first.

 

I have definitely went over and beyond to show that I love him and I want to work things out with him. He continues to joke despite me being visibly upset. The jokes are really strange. He will kiss me then say "oh friends don't do that".

[ExpatInItaly]

Your ex is a self-serving tool. Hopefully your uncle comes to realize this too.

[ConfusedHippo]

The reason why I think he still has feelings is because he told me he cried when he read the birthday card I gave him. In the card I basically said how thankful I was for the past years and how I will try to do better. Sometimes he will do sweet gestures like massage my feet. He also seems to get a little desperate when I text reply slowly.

 

And yeah I guess I did take myself to Asia haha.

 

Anyways, thank you all so much. I am putting some distance here and I am going to stop feeding him and doing things for him. I'll see where it goes from there. If he continues to bring up being friends I will cut him off and move on.

[ExpatInItaly]

OP, you can't assume that one episode of tears overrides his overall disinterest in you. Those tears were probably from a place of guilt, because he might realize he has actually hurt you a lot. But they don't mean he wants to be with you.

 

I would imagine he gets upset when you respond slowly because he's worried he's going to lose his very convenient source of sex, food and other material comforts.

 

Sincerely, is he your first serious relationship? You don't seem to recognize his behaviour as self-serving and egocentric, which makes me wonder if you have little else to compare this too. This relationship was not good and it's still causing you more pain than anything else.