max3732 Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 My failure w/this one woman I posted about before really bothered me and made me do some sole searching about what went wrong and what I can improve going forward. When I first met her I was relaxed and made jokes and everything with all the singles at the event, but then when she actually agreed to meet me again and again I tightened up and wasn't playful or joking at all. I specifically remember one exchange where she setup an obvious joke and I took her literally and became very serious. I think that's where I lost her. Based on that I've tried initating conversation w/attractive women just in public and both times so far it's been a swing and a miss making me feel a bit foolish. Basically what happens is I try to do a joke or be sarcastic w/something and the women give me this puzzled look and don't get it. Then I explain it to them and they say something like "oh, ok. now I get it" or "that's clever". At that point I don't know what to say. I was expecting them to joke back or say something I could build on. I know that when I get nervous on dates I become very robotic so this is something I need to work on, but I don't know how.
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 Learn some relaxation techniques, like breathing. Then practice them before a date. When you go on a date, remember the other person is nervous too. Perfection isn't required. It's OK to be the real you. 1
ExpatInItaly Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 Based on that I've tried initating conversation w/attractive women just in public and both times so far it's been a swing and a miss making me feel a bit foolish. Basically what happens is I try to do a joke or be sarcastic w/something and the women give me this puzzled look and don't get it. Then I explain it to them and they say something like "oh, ok. now I get it" or "that's clever". At that point I don't know what to say. I was expecting them to joke back or say something I could build on Well, are you just cold-approaching these women in the street, or? If so, that's a bit risky because to them, you're just some strange dude coming up to them and telling a joke. It's not the right context for relaxed conversation. 1
Author max3732 Posted September 8, 2018 Author Posted September 8, 2018 Learn some relaxation techniques, like breathing. Then practice them before a date. When you go on a date, remember the other person is nervous too. Perfection isn't required. It's OK to be the real you. This seems to be good advice overall. In sports I have a tendency to hold my breath during important moments too. It's like there is some kind of psychological switch in my head that shuts my brain down when there is the possibility of a relationship. There was someone else that I interacted with playfully and would talk to all the time until someone watching us made a comment like "you 2 should go out on a date already". Then I felt very awkward and uncomfortable around here and couldn't function
Author max3732 Posted September 8, 2018 Author Posted September 8, 2018 Well, are you just cold-approaching these women in the street, or? If so, that's a bit risky because to them, you're just some strange dude coming up to them and telling a joke. It's not the right context for relaxed conversation. One was a cold approach, the other is someone at an exercise class. Most of the women I'm going to meet are going to be from a cold approach. What should I say/do with them? With the one at the exercise class it was disheartening to get the blank stare and comment back. Yesterday morning I was walking out from the doctor's office and I saw a beautiful woman walk in w/no ring on her finger. I started trying to think of something to say and looked at her trying to figure out if I could comment on something she's wearing or something around at the receptionist asked if I was feeling ok then looked at the woman and smiled and said "ah, ok". I couldn't think of anything and felt embarrassed and just walked out.
Fensun90 Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 My god, you sound just like me :bunny: I'm also playful, funny at the start, then I tighten up and get in my head after a few dates/hangouts with the same girl. You're not alone Bro.
LuckyM Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 This happened to me many times. They look taken aback, like they don't get it . They get it but it's not funny to them. Don't repeat those jokes. She probably does not share your sense of humor, so drop it. I have a friend with a very dry dark sense of humor--without a punchline. Most people do not like puns too much for example.
basil67 Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 Don't do sarcasm because it's too easy to misunderstand. And sarcasm isn't an attractive trait in general. Joking around can be good, but save it for when you have already started to establish a bond. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 I think the cold approach can work with some women but not all. Some others will shut it down "cold". They just don't like it or respond to it & there is no way to tell who'd be open to it and who wouldn't. So right there you need a thicker skin and to consider a "try" a win rather than getting what you wanted (a date). It's a numbers game with that. But I would suggest that you don't just jump right in. If you can prolong the conversation for 5-10 minutes at least where you chit chat and develop "some" bond, some reason to be in touch that is possibly a date. From having a linear approach that it IS a date and the criteria are that you think the girl is pretty/dating material, those are high stakes with no traction behind them. Just even a little humorous or friendly conversation like you would with a friend gives a little traction and lowers the stakes at the same time. Along with that advice, i always say to people on here that ask a similar question that you should practice talking to ALL kinds of people with less of a purpose ("ask her on a date") but more just to get comfortable socializing. It helps you practice your conversation skills, worry less about rejection, take it less personally if you are "rejected" and teach you more about human nature & just being more free with things. It will usually result in non-linear but positive benefits overall. Good luck
coolheadal Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 My failure w/this one woman I posted about before really bothered me and made me do some sole searching about what went wrong and what I can improve going forward. When I first met her I was relaxed and made jokes and everything with all the singles at the event, but then when she actually agreed to meet me again and again I tightened up and wasn't playful or joking at all. I specifically remember one exchange where she setup an obvious joke and I took her literally and became very serious. I think that's where I lost her. Based on that I've tried initating conversation w/attractive women just in public and both times so far it's been a swing and a miss making me feel a bit foolish. Basically what happens is I try to do a joke or be sarcastic w/something and the women give me this puzzled look and don't get it. Then I explain it to them and they say something like "oh, ok. now I get it" or "that's clever". At that point I don't know what to say. I was expecting them to joke back or say something I could build on. I know that when I get nervous on dates I become very robotic so this is something I need to work on, but I don't know how. Treat them like you would treat anyone you like. The problem with us guys we just don't think out of the box. Try not to tell them jokes they won't understand your smarts in the same way your friend might do. Like they say Huh? What the heck did you just say to me? You don't want to start off like that with any date. 1
Author max3732 Posted September 10, 2018 Author Posted September 10, 2018 I think the cold approach can work with some women but not all. Some others will shut it down "cold". They just don't like it or respond to it & there is no way to tell who'd be open to it and who wouldn't. So right there you need a thicker skin and to consider a "try" a win rather than getting what you wanted (a date). It's a numbers game with that. But I would suggest that you don't just jump right in. If you can prolong the conversation for 5-10 minutes at least where you chit chat and develop "some" bond, some reason to be in touch that is possibly a date. From having a linear approach that it IS a date and the criteria are that you think the girl is pretty/dating material, those are high stakes with no traction behind them. Just even a little humorous or friendly conversation like you would with a friend gives a little traction and lowers the stakes at the same time. Along with that advice, i always say to people on here that ask a similar question that you should practice talking to ALL kinds of people with less of a purpose ("ask her on a date") but more just to get comfortable socializing. It helps you practice your conversation skills, worry less about rejection, take it less personally if you are "rejected" and teach you more about human nature & just being more free with things. It will usually result in non-linear but positive benefits overall. Good luck The thing is I'm fine talking to regular people. It's women I'm interested in romantically that turn me into a nervous wreck and that I have trouble talking to. Plus I don't really know how to flirt vs. just talking to them. For example, I was going to try and practice with a receptionist today that's attractive and friendly, but I don't know what to say or do. I thought trying to joke might be a way to flirt, but you're saying it's not good to try and do it off the bat or with people you don't know.
Gaeta Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 Forget about sarcasm, even when couples have known each other for a while it can be misinterpreted so imagine with a total stranger. Humor and joking is ok, keep it light, simple and smile.
mortensorchid Posted September 10, 2018 Posted September 10, 2018 I agree with others, don't be sarcastic or overly a goofball - it's like you're trying to hard to be the center of attention with others. Just in general that is, not just with approaching women.
Lotsgoingon Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 Basically you can practice speaking ... and speak what really interests you. Sometimes this can be obvious. OMG, it's freezing out there. You can also expand and add some personal experience. OMG, it's freezing out there. I walked out the house this morning, thinking for some reason it wasn't going to be this cold. This second approach invites the other person to share their own story. Keep your personal story down to a sentence or so ... The trick is to practice calling up genuine thoughts and feelings you're having to share with someone. So if I have nothing to say to a person, I'll simply say hi, or hello and smile. In fact, you might want to simply start by saying hello to women. Add a relaxed smile. Just a hello ... you'll feel yourself getting more confident as you do this more and more. The context: you really want to drop the feeling that this woman you are saying hello to could be the love of your life. That's adding too much weight to the exchange. I was on a trolley car in my city recently.I had a seat but the aisle was filled with people standing. I'm looking down and I see these cool shoes this woman has on. She's a good-looking woman, though probably too young for me ... I look at her in the eyes and I nod to her shoes. She pulls an earpud out of her ear. "Those are the coolest shoes of anyone of this trolley," I say. She lights up with a big smile and a thank you. Here's the thing. I really did think her shoes were amazing. Her shoes clearly stood out from the shoes of the rest of the folks on the trolley. I didn't say anything more to her ... as it seemed out of place. But say I was waiting with her at a Trolley stop outdoors, I may have extended the conversation. Here's the truth: just doing this ... speaking to someone about something that genuinely pops into my head ... is so much fun ... whether or not that leads to anything further with the person. Finally, quit worrying about being nervous ... People don't care that you're nervous. You're supposed to be nervous on a date you're excited about. You think the woman you're with isn't nervous? Next time just say you're nervous! ... Don't over-apologize ... Just something like, "OMG, I think my answer wasn't that sharp because I'm a bit nervous." So when you think your nervousness is getting in the way, that's when you probably should say it aloud. Paradoxically owning this feeling ... lessens the pull of the feeling and lessens the embarrassment and so on. If you're with the right person, they'll help you calm down. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 The thing is I'm fine talking to regular people. It's women I'm interested in romantically that turn me into a nervous wreck and that I have trouble talking to. Plus I don't really know how to flirt vs. just talking to them. For example, I was going to try and practice with a receptionist today that's attractive and friendly, but I don't know what to say or do. I thought trying to joke might be a way to flirt, but you're saying it's not good to try and do it off the bat or with people you don't know. I believe i'm saying practice on ALL KINDS of people you don't know that way you will be more comfortable with it in general. If you freeze up on girls you are attracted to, then keep lowering the stakes and talk about something more basic--not the pressure of a joke which may or may not fly. I think you could start with something simple like noticing what is going on around you or I like to use this example a lot, the line at starbucks, say something about her drink, ask a question, something to get the ball rolling. It can be easier to deal with facts or a genuine opinion or question rather than hoping a joke will be the magic sentence that turns things in your favor. I think keep it simple until you get more comfortable. Lower the stakes in reducing the outcome you would like to get from it: change it from getting a date to just having a pleasant exchange with a stranger/a pretty girl/just getting a couple sentences out and back and forth with someone you would be interested in/attracted to. As you build your confidence (doing this above will help) and your resilience, you will be able to do it more easily with girls that interest you. Right now you are so afraid of rejection, you need practice getting "rejected" and standing back up and trying again. Some girls you will get traction on, others you won't. This is just true whether or not you are the guy of their dreams--sometimes you just will catch people off guard or they won't match your expectations (not an open or friendly person) or not in the right headspace to meet or talk to someone cold. So that's why practice and analyzing your every conversation with any kind of person should help you. You will quickly realize some people are just jerks, not open, or have other things that have them distracted or not willing to converse with a stranger. I'm not saying it will be perfectly easy ever, but you need to get the confidence to have more of an outward nonchalance about it--that is so attractive! Once you get more comfortable it will be easier to let you personality shine through and have some flirty or jokey vibes which will help you along with the right girls for you. Just a note: i wouldn't leave cold approaching as your only avenue. It just doesn't work with certain people--who oddly are open for dating--they prefer meeting through online dating, through friends or activities or work. So make sure you explore all of those other ways too. Good luck 1
Interstellar Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 (edited) Watch Cary Grant movies and copy his banter. He’s the undisputed King. Get yourself a legal pad and start writing down the witty and funny things he says and try incorporating it into your personality. Keep it clean and not sexual. Edited September 11, 2018 by Interstellar
Lotsgoingon Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 Interstellar, Cary Grant? That's like telling a little league basketball player to watch LeBron James and to copy his moves. Cary Grant is in a universe of smoothness way beyond--based on looks and masterful acting, by the way. We're trying to get the OP to overcome feeling terrified and totally tongue-tied. He wants to be able to speak a few words to a woman. Let's save Cary Grant for the master classes ... even Archie Leach wasn't as smooth as Cary Grant!
Garcon1986 Posted September 11, 2018 Posted September 11, 2018 Opening poster if you get good at the smooth comebacks, just remember that it needs to be congruent with your personality. Don't let your efforts become a morphing into another personality that you cannot sustain. If you make this mistake, you will be on the receiving end of a woman who is deeply hurt, who found out she loved an image of a guy which doesn't actually exist = a fight you don't want to be a part of.
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