Am I supposed to initiate the next date?

[Lorenza]

So there's this guy. We had a nice connection and a couple of dates - jazz club/karaoke outing and a long walk in the evening. Quite a lot of chatting and he is very eager to chat, answers almost immediately. He seems to like me a lot (and I like him), but he once mentioned that he wants both parts to initiate in the early dating stages. That he has always had problems with it, because it was expected of him to initiate more. I initiated the jazz club and he did the next one - came to my area and we walked around in nature for a few hours until it got late. So I'm guessing he expects me to suggest the next, cause he's just texting daily and not suggesting anything by himself, just going in circles.

It feels like it is time for a dinner date or something like that, but I sooo don't want to be the one coming up with it. I mean, I would like to be invited to a romantic dinner (I don't mean that he should pay), not vice versa. Also, I find it a bit off-putting that it has to be so "your turn -my turn", he could as well initiate two times in a row.

 

Am I wrong?

[Happy Lemming]

I hated "date planning", especially early on in the relationship. You don't know the person that well and you want them to have a good time. Help the guy out until he knows your likes and dislikes...

 

A couple of suggestions... a casual inexpensive Tex-Mex place or casual Chinese place. Keep it light and inexpensive.

 

If I didn't have any idea about a new person I was dating, I'd get tickets to the local comedy club. You really can't go wrong if both of you are laughing all night.

 

One day date that I planned that was a HUGE success was visiting an aquarium. It was one of those HUGE ones with all kinds of displays and tanks and everything. We talked a little, had lunch, talked some more and had a quick dinner on the way home. She told me it was the best date she had ever been on, which made me feel GREAT!!

 

In the end, I don't see it as a "your turn - my turn" thing, as much as it is a helping hand with the date planning.

 

Best of luck...

[Lorenza]

I hated "date planning", especially early on in the relationship. You don't know the person that well and you want them to have a good time. Help the guy out until he knows your likes and dislikes...

 

A couple of suggestions... a casual inexpensive Tex-Mex place or casual Chinese place. Keep it light and inexpensive.

 

If I didn't have any idea about a new person I was dating, I'd get tickets to the local comedy club. You really can't go wrong if both of you are laughing all night.

 

One day date that I planned that was a HUGE success was visiting an aquarium. It was one of those HUGE ones with all kinds of displays and tanks and everything. We talked a little, had lunch, talked some more and had a quick dinner on the way home. She told me it was the best date she had ever been on, which made me feel GREAT!!

 

In the end, I don't see it as a "your turn - my turn" thing, as much as it is a helping hand with the date planning.

 

Best of luck...

 

But it's not about likes and dislikes, I don't think it would be hard for him to come up with something I'd like since we talked so much about those things. Also he knows I adore my little jazz club and karaoke place, so there's always that option. Actually, just any place to eat would do as well. The problem is that he doesn't suggest anything at all. I'd like the guy to take the lead in the beginning. I think it's already plenty that I took him out on the first date.

He just texts me all the time and doesn't go straight to the point. I can sense him waiting for me to say something.

[Happy Lemming]

OK... maybe that is just his style or way of dating. Is he familiar with your part of town/city??

 

Here is a suggestion, stop the texting and call him or ask him to call you -- talk to him. Ask him to pick a (insert favorite style of food) restaurant and take you there. See how that goes...

 

In the end, if this is his style of dating of "your turn - my turn"; you are either going to have to accept it or move on.

[Lorenza]

OK... maybe that is just his style or way of dating. Is he familiar with your part of town/city??

 

Here is a suggestion, stop the texting and call him or ask him to call you -- talk to him. Ask him to pick a (insert favorite style of food) restaurant and take you there. See how that goes...

 

In the end, if this is his style of dating of "your turn - my turn"; you are either going to have to accept it or move on.

 

Talking on phone is my least favorite thing ever, haha!

Maybe his style is to not initiate anything at all once in a relationship. I've dated a man like that. He also avoided taking the lead in the beginning. It's awfully unromantic

[Happy Lemming]

It's awfully unromantic

 

Then dump him & move on... If his style of dating is causing you angst, don't put up with it. Text him a short, "I've changed my mind about dating you, Good-Bye" text. Then block him...

 

NEXT!!

[alphamale]

if you like him enough then set up a date but do something like going to the zoo or putt-putt golf. On the date you can drop hints that you want him to set up a dinner date at a romantic restaurant.

[FMW]

Go ahead and take your "turn" and suggest getting together, but then talk to him about how you feel.

 

I wouldn't give up on things yet, but if he expects more leading from you than you like (I prefer the guy to do most of the initiation too), you'll have to figure out if it's a dealbreaker for you.

[basil67]

I get that part of your dating criteria is to have men initiate early on. This is absolutely your prerogative. However, it seems you've been hunting for a guy for quite some time so I have to ask "is your dating style working for you?" If you're getting loads of good options and beating men off like flies, then continue as you are.

 

However if you're not getting loads of good options and you quite like this guy, then change around your dating rules. What it comes down to is whether your adherence to personal rules or continuing with a guy who you really like is more important to you.

[Lotsgoingon]

So this guy is fairly passive ... is what you're saying?

 

I can get why that bothers you.

 

Few random things ... Any chance he has ADHD? Lots of smart, interesting people have the condition ... and ADHD folks absolutely hate planning--even though they need to plan. (ADHD runs in my birth family.)

 

Lack of confidence and lack of social skill or a bad combination of those ... also could be a problem.

 

I think his inability to follow through on your cues is a real problem. Like the kinda guy who will hear repeat ten times your interest in a certain item ... and then the guy doesn't think to get that item for your birthday.

 

I am increasingly of the view that if people act strange and don't follow through, you don't need to figure out "why" if you're getting to know ... Just let go and move on ... You're feeling that something isn't right.

 

His interest in you technically "should" create enthusiasm in him to set up the activities you like so he can spend time with you ...

 

Curious: does this guy have friends he regularly meets with? Hobbies?

[Lorenza]

Then dump him & move on... If his style of dating is causing you angst, don't put up with it. Text him a short, "I've changed my mind about dating you, Good-Bye" text. Then block him...

 

NEXT!!

 

It's not angst, it's just disappointing how passive some guys are. And I kinda liked this one, he was so sweet.

[Lorenza]

I get that part of your dating criteria is to have men initiate early on. This is absolutely your prerogative. However, it seems you've been hunting for a guy for quite some time so I have to ask "is your dating style working for you?" If you're getting loads of good options and beating men off like flies, then continue as you are.

 

However if you're not getting loads of good options and you quite like this guy, then change around your dating rules. What it comes down to is whether your adherence to personal rules or continuing with a guy who you really like is more important to you.

 

I'm getting options, but I'm quite picky. The thing is I'm not in any rush to get into a relationship - I'm trying to be active and look for someone but at the same time it's ok if I don't find anyone. I'm not unhappy on my own and I don't want children so no biological clock to make me stressed. I'm thinking this gives me enough space to be picky, which is why I'm gonna stick to my dating style.

 

But this guy is not the first whom I liked, but who has difficulties showing initiative and organizing dates.

[Lorenza]

So this guy is fairly passive ... is what you're saying?

 

I can get why that bothers you.

 

Few random things ... Any chance he has ADHD? Lots of smart, interesting people have the condition ... and ADHD folks absolutely hate planning--even though they need to plan. (ADHD runs in my birth family.)

 

Lack of confidence and lack of social skill or a bad combination of those ... also could be a problem.

 

I think his inability to follow through on your cues is a real problem. Like the kinda guy who will hear repeat ten times your interest in a certain item ... and then the guy doesn't think to get that item for your birthday.

 

I am increasingly of the view that if people act strange and don't follow through, you don't need to figure out "why" if you're getting to know ... Just let go and move on ... You're feeling that something isn't right.

 

His interest in you technically "should" create enthusiasm in him to set up the activities you like so he can spend time with you ...

 

Curious: does this guy have friends he regularly meets with? Hobbies?

 

I'm not a psychiatrist, but I don't think he's got adhd, he has a well organized life and responsibilities at his job.

He does seem to lack confidence. In his texts he kinda goes in circles and it feels like he would like to invite me somewhere, but is expecting me to get those hints and suggest it first. I don't like that. I think I'll have to move on from this one.

[basil67]

I'm getting options, but I'm quite picky. The thing is I'm not in any rush to get into a relationship - I'm trying to be active and look for someone but at the same time it's ok if I don't find anyone. I'm not unhappy on my own and I don't want children so no biological clock to make me stressed. I'm thinking this gives me enough space to be picky, which is why I'm gonna stick to my dating style.

 

But this guy is not the first whom I liked, but who has difficulties showing initiative and organizing dates.

 

He's probably a bit insecure and likes to receive encouragement/enthusiasm before reaching out each time. And also possibly exhausted and feeling a little jaded from having to organise dates for the women he dates. It's all perfectly understandable on his part. But if you're not in a hurry to meet someone and his style isn't what you want, then you're right to move on.

[Andy_K]

From a guy's perspective, it's a real drag to have to initiate every single date. Not only are you doing all the planning between dates, but you also have to think a step ahead and be trying to figure out what she might like for the next date while you're on the current one.

 

Once you've been through that process with a few girls it gets old pretty fast, and the desire to date someone less passive creeps in. This guy at least is being honest about it, and trying to create an environment where you two are both contributing equally. The alternative is a guy who takes every girl he dates to the same handful of places rather than putting any genuine creative thought into it.

[MaleIntuition]

Out of curiosity, why do you feel that the man should initiate more, is it mainly because you fear that he might reject your idea or that you prefer a more... hm.. submissive/following role?

 

Indecisiveness is not a mental sickness, but a personality trait. Those whom are confident in taking decisions for others (as in planning dates/get togethers etc) normally have a strong extroverted thinking (Te) or strong extroverted feeling (Fe). Translated to MBTI they should probably rank something like this, from most confident date-planners to least.

E**J,

I**J,

E**P,

I**P

Notice that I wrote confident. Not best. An ENTJ might not plan a better date but they will be less likely to second guess their own decision than an ENTP.

[Lorenza]

From a guy's perspective, it's a real drag to have to initiate every single date. Not only are you doing all the planning between dates, but you also have to think a step ahead and be trying to figure out what she might like for the next date while you're on the current one.

 

Once you've been through that process with a few girls it gets old pretty fast, and the desire to date someone less passive creeps in. This guy at least is being honest about it, and trying to create an environment where you two are both contributing equally. The alternative is a guy who takes every girl he dates to the same handful of places rather than putting any genuine creative thought into it.

 

As I said, I planned the first date entirely. He only suggested the walking in nature date, so there's not much to plan there, just to get on a train and come over. My date required more planning - I had suggestions what kind of bands we should see and that we should also go to karaoke afterwards, since it's a common hobby.

[Lorenza]

Out of curiosity, why do you feel that the man should initiate more, is it mainly because you fear that he might reject your idea or that you prefer a more... hm.. submissive/following role?

 

Indecisiveness is not a mental sickness, but a personality trait. Those whom are confident in taking decisions for others (as in planning dates/get togethers etc) normally have a strong extroverted thinking (Te) or strong extroverted feeling (Fe). Translated to MBTI they should probably rank something like this, from most confident date-planners to least.

E**J,

I**J,

E**P,

I**P

Notice that I wrote confident. Not best. An ENTJ might not plan a better date but they will be less likely to second guess their own decision than an ENTP.

 

I'd like it that way, I find it more romantic. I've been together with a guy who haven't taken me on a single date. Otherwise, I have no problem planning dates, activities etc but not during the early stages and not all the time. Guys are usually the ones who get comfortable and passive further into the relationship, so at least they could put more effort in the beginning.

I want a more submissive role in a relationship this time. Don't mean financially though, as I'm quite able to pay for myself, but neither would I like it to be strictly 50/50. It's off-putting to count money. I can pay few times in a row and my partner could do the same, without counting who's turn it is. I just don't like taking turns, it's a romance killer for me.

[Eternal Sunshine]

I think it's a bad sign. Even the shyest of guys will want to see you again soon because they are just so drawn to you. IMHO it's not about personality but about lack of interest. Plenty will chit chat though to kill the boredom and keep options open.

[MaleIntuition]

I think it's a bad sign. Even the shyest of guys will want to see you again soon because they are just so drawn to you. IMHO it's not about personality but about lack of interest. Plenty will chit chat though to kill the boredom and keep options open.

 

It’s not necessarily about a lack of interest. It can definitely be the other way around; guys whom DON’T care about the outcome will not overthink and just invite to whatever.

 

Why do you think so many guys are given the advice to multidate? To force themselves to care less about the outcome with one particular girl.

[Lorenza]

I think it's a bad sign. Even the shyest of guys will want to see you again soon because they are just so drawn to you. IMHO it's not about personality but about lack of interest. Plenty will chit chat though to kill the boredom and keep options open.

 

I don't think it's lack of interest. The chats are quite lengthy and he's asking me pretty serious questions. Remembers all the details I told him and answers immediately any time of the day. I'd say it's just his personality trait. It's hard to say if it would get better in time or worse, but I don't think I have the patience to wait and find out. He also said he's not the type of guy who's successful with women and I think I know why.

He's sweet and sympathetic, but just too passive

[Lorenza]

It’s not necessarily about a lack of interest. It can definitely be the other way around; guys whom DON’T care about the outcome will not overthink and just invite to whatever.

 

Why do you think so many guys are given the advice to multidate? To force themselves to care less about the outcome with one particular girl.

 

Could be.

Also, he hasn't been online for a couple of weeks on the website we met on.

[Rockett]

I hear where you're coming from with wanting more spontaneity and excitement, rather than him beating around the bush with small talk waiting for you to take your "turn."

 

 

 

I want to suggest though, that if you think it still has potential, it may be worth letting him know your dating style- that you don't like to follow a regimented "you, me, you, me" plan for dates, and that you appreciate the guy taking more of the initiative in planning in the beginning.

 

 

 

I know it sounds lame to explain that to someone, since it would be more romantic and feel more "right" if they just did what we wanted! But, since he was clear with you about how he approaches dating (I assume he said it so that you wouldn't misinterpret his actions), it may be worth returning the favor and letting him know your approach.

 

 

 

That being said, only do this if you think you'd like to give it another shot with him.

[d0nnivain]

You both want to be courted. He told you he has had problems in the past when the women don't initiate. So now he sits back & puts the onus on his date (you). You want a more traditional man who initiates more who doesn't make you do it.

 

So what do you want more -- him or to be courted? When you realize he is not going to plan 2 dates in a row & you answer the Q I posed, you will know what to do next: break up or plan the next date. It's entirely up to you but what you have to stop doing is sitting there being annoyed because he's not planning.

[MaleIntuition]

I don't think it's lack of interest. The chats are quite lengthy and he's asking me pretty serious questions. Remembers all the details I told him and answers immediately any time of the day. I'd say it's just his personality trait. It's hard to say if it would get better in time or worse, but I don't think I have the patience to wait and find out. He also said he's not the type of guy who's successful with women and I think I know why.

He's sweet and sympathetic, but just too passive

 

Yup, definitely interested. My guess is that the passiveness is mostly a consequence of insecurity - in his mind, you are chatting and things therefore seems to be going well-ish.

 

The insecurity in itself can definitely get better, and with it some more initiative - in a more secure relationship I imagine that could be worked on with good communication. His core personality will not really change though. If you prefer someone whom naturally likes to takes charge this man is probably not it. On the other hand such a man might be less “sweet” and “sympathetic”.