Breaking up with my long term girlfriend and mother of my child

[Mellows]

Hi Everyone,

 

I’ve never done something like this so please forgive me if I get anything wrong. I just don’t know where to turn for objective advise.

 

I have been with my girlfriend for 16 years and we have an amazing 11 year old daughter together. We met in high school and were very good friends. We got together a year after school and have been together since.

 

We are originally from South Africa and have recently moved over to the UK. We are currently staying with friends of hers while we settle in.

 

I feel like I have fallen out of love with her though but she is extremely co-dependent and I feel that I will ruin her life by leaving.

 

I got to this point because over the last 5 or so years I’ve realized how different we are as individuals. I am quite am quite career where she doesn’t really care about having any sort of career. At the risk of sounding like I’m insulting her (which I’m not. Im just giving as much information as possible), she is down right lazy. As mentioned, about 5 years ago she gave up her relatively ok paying job to pursue a home baking business which I wasn’t keen on her doing due to the uncertainty and how it would affect our lifestyle but I supported her nonetheless. I even gave her money sporadically for the ‘business’. I offered to help her with working out pricing etc which she turned down and really just ran the business on an ‘order by order’ basis which, needless the say, didn’t help the business grow in any regard. This didn’t seem to matter to her and she carried on with it for about 3 more years. I had to work extremely hard in order to maintain some sort of life for us and our daughter. The reason I’m mentioning all of this is because it was during this period that I realized how unambitious she is and how heavily she relies on me for everything.

 

When the baking business didn’t work and she eventually gave it up, she set her sights on pursuing us immigrating. At first I wasn’t keen on it but eventually gave in even though she didn’t really have much financial backing to support the move. So once again, it was left to me.

 

Her and my daughter arrived in the UK in April and I took a few months back home to wrap up my job and tie up any loose ends. Financially it has been a huge strain on me as I have pretty much paid for everything to get us to this point. I arrived in July and we are staying with her friends (as I’ve mentioned). She hasn’t started working and I only start work in October. She doesn’t do anything all day. She is more than comfortable to spend the entire day on the couch while I am trying to find us a place to stay, school for our daughter etc. When I do ask her to handle a particular situation it’s met with a lot of resistance and delaying tactics and I just eventually end up doing it myself. I’m also very conscious of the fact that we are staying in someone else’s space so I tend to cook and clean the apartment while they are at work. She doesn’t seem to feel the need to contribute in this area either though. In her defense she does do the dishes and washing when she feels like it (maybe once or twice a week).

 

She isn’t someone that deals with constructive criticism very well so I have, over the last few years, learnt to keep quiet rather than being attacked for not supporting her etc. which obviously hasn’t done our relationship much good either.

 

The job that I have accepted is about 4 hours away from where we are staying now and I would really like to make this move alone because I don’t want to continue living in this relationship, but I worry that because she has become so co-dependent (which I partly accept responsibility for enabling) she isn’t going to be able to make any sort of life for herself. I would also like my daughter to stay with me once I move so that my girlfriend can focus on sorting herself out. I feel that I will be able to provide more stability for my daughter initially and would be happy sharing custody. This would be me being too idealist though because I know that instead of her focus being on setting up her life, she would try and find ways to make me miserable as a form of ‘retribution’.

 

Please don’t misunderstand me, I don’t believe that I am perfect and am sure that if you ask her she’ll probably tell you things that she isn’t happy with about me but I just aimed to set out the facts as I see them and try and get some advise on how I go about ending this relationship. Any sort of assistance or guidance will be hugely appreciated.

 

Thanks all

M

Edited September 7, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[d0nnivain]

You have been together for most of your adult lives & you will always been connected by your child. Are you willing to try couple's counseling? If not, then you have to end it but do consult a solicitor about child support.

[Mellows]

You have been together for most of your adult lives & you will always been connected by your child. Are you willing to try couple's counseling? If not, then you have to end it but do consult a solicitor about child support.

 

Thanks for the reply. According to her she isn’t in to talking about her feelings and doing any sort of counseling. I have suggested it in the past. I think my concern is how to go about ending this considering just how dependent she is on me?

[d0nnivain]

She may sing a different song when you say we need counseling or I'm outta here. She may think you won't walk.

[ExpatInItaly]

Let her know, kindly but firmly, that this relationship is over. If she is unwilling to meet you halfway in terms of some counseling, you really don't have much other option. I would stress that to her as well, but it sounds to me as though you are past the point of making it work.

 

How she deals with her dependency on you is ultimately going to be up to her to sort out, though I would consult a family attorney in your area. Especially as a recent immigrant to the country, I would find out what your rights and obligations are to her and your daughter (and if filing for custody is possible) I'm an expat myself so I know things are sometimes a little more complicated when it comes to the logistics of legal matters.