Harcel Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 I had a situation with a guy around 2 weeks ago... We met online and spoke quite intensely for 3 days then we went 2 days without speaking. I contact him after those 2 days and he was being very cold towards me, he said that I had created a situation by ‘disappearing’ and he didn’t know if he could trust me. I felt he was being a bit manipulative so I ended the conversation. Last week in a moment of weakness I reached out to him but he was still blaming saying I disappeared, that it had made him loose interest and this was all my fault. For me 2 days without speaking to someone isn’t disappearing but anyway he said that he wanted to meet me and we could start over. For the next 4 days we texted like normal everyday (him messaging first except Monday I messaged him) Now it’s 2 days and we haven’t spoken. I hate chasing guys, it’s not in my nature and it doesn’t feel good to me so I really don’t want to keep reaching out to him again but I also don’t want to be back to the same situation of him saying I disappeared if I don’t. I feel this could just ibe a manipulative situation that I probably shouldn’t even get involved in. What do you guys think?
Redhead14 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 (edited) You haven't even met this guy, right? Forget about him. You haven't reached the dating stage and it's drama already. If you two "liked" each other enough, one of you would have made arrangements to meet up. From OLD, I wouldn't waste a lot of time just messaging. I'd chat a few times and then choose a convenient place for a couple of drinks or coffee to see if there was enough to want to have a "real" date. Just get that part over with fairly soon. A first meet from OLD should be an hour or so to make sure they are who they say they are and look like their pictures. The guys shouldn't spend a lot of money on a first meet. That being said, this guy is "blaming" you, so I wouldn't be the one to ask him either now. he said that he wanted to meet me and we could start over. -- So, why didn't he ask for a day, a time and a place to meet instead of chatting for another 4 days and then dropping off again? Does he want you to chase him? It doesn't matter what he wants. Let this one go. Block/delete/ignore. Edited September 6, 2018 by Redhead14 2
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 There is no way I'd met up with this guy. There are red flags flying. ignore them at your own risk. 4
Author Harcel Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 You haven't even met this guy, right? Forget about him. You haven't reached the dating stage and it's drama already. If you two "liked" each other enough, one of you would have made arrangements to meet up. From OLD, I wouldn't waste a lot of time just messaging. I'd chat a few times and then choose a convenient place for a couple of drinks or coffee to see if there was enough to want to have a "real" date. Just get that part over with fairly soon. A first meet from OLD should be an hour or so to make sure they are who they say they are and look like their pictures. The guys shouldn't spend a lot of money on a first meet. That being said, this guy is "blaming" you, so I wouldn't be the one to ask him either now. he said that he wanted to meet me and we could start over. -- So, why didn't he ask for a day, a time and a place to meet instead of chatting for another 4 days and then dropping off again? Does he want you to chase him? It doesn't matter what he wants. Let this one go. Block/delete/ignore. I totally agree. I do like to talk a bit with men before I meet them and least find out what they are about. If I met every single guy I connect with for coffee just to see what they are like it would be endless, I just don’t have the time or energy for that. But I would have expected the amount we had spoken he would have at least mentioned a possible time to meet.
Redhead14 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 (edited) I totally agree. I do like to talk a bit with men before I meet them and least find out what they are about. If I met every single guy I connect with for coffee just to see what they are like it would be endless, I just don’t have the time or energy for that. But I would have expected the amount we had spoken he would have at least mentioned a possible time to meet. You don't have to meet every guy you connect with. Just the ones that spark enough interest through a little chatting. You don't want to chat with some guy for weeks or months only to find out that he doesn't look anything like his pictures or turns you off in person and build them up in your imagination, etc. And, from OLD, there's nothing wrong with being the one to suggest a meet up when you feel you have enough interest. You do that and then "give them the reins" to set up a "real date" after that. But, do move on from this one for sure. Good luck in your search. Edited September 6, 2018 by Redhead14
Author Harcel Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 Thank you. And I do see the red flags, I haven’t chosen to ignore them, sometimes you just need confirmation :-)
Dis Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 You haven't even met him and already there's drama? He sounds like a manipulative little s***. Drop him. Delete your texts thread with him and delete his number. Why did you continue to talk to him after his first temper tantrum? You should've blocked him right there. I think you need to take a step back from dating until you can learn to recognize what is acceptable behavior and what is not or else you'll keep running into these guys and continue to allow yourself to get tangled up in their traps
Author Harcel Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 You haven't even met him and already there's drama? He sounds like a manipulative little s***. Drop him. Delete your texts thread with him and delete his number. Why did you continue to talk to him after his first temper tantrum? You should've blocked him right there. I think you need to take a step back from dating until you can learn to recognize what is acceptable behavior and what is not or else you'll keep running into these guys and continue to allow yourself to get tangled up in their traps I know, I feel silly now. I’m not the strongest of characters either (I realise that’s my own problem and something I should work on) so I can easily be manipulated.
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 Wow if it doesn't feel right, then it's not....the guy is a jerk, run for the hills!
Lotsgoingon Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 This guy hit you with a triple-whammy. Punch #1: Guy disapppears Punch #2: Guy accuses YOU of disappearing Punch #3 (tails right after #2) Guy says he doesn't know if he can trust you. Just remember (and this is something it took me a while to remember) starting a relationship should not feel like getting sent to the principal's office for walking on the wrong side of the hallway. This guy already has you on the defensive and apologizing for breathing. Guess how he would use that advantage? ... He'd sneak in some criticism of you on the first date ... and if you got sucked in, you would feel bad about the criticism, you'd wonder if you could win him over ... and boom, he's got you in the trap. You'd be working hard to get his approval ... and he would NEVER give you full approval ... and never work hard in pleasing you ... because he wants to keep you on the defensive, keep you worrying about meeting his needs. See how that works? Great step to come here and check in! 1
Dis Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 I know, I feel silly now. I’m not the strongest of characters either (I realise that’s my own problem and something I should work on) so I can easily be manipulated. Don't beat yourself up. We all make mistakes Just learn from it and keep your chin up! 1
Author Harcel Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 This guy hit you with a triple-whammy. Punch #1: Guy disapppears Punch #2: Guy accuses YOU of disappearing Punch #3 (tails right after #2) Guy says he doesn't know if he can trust you. Just remember (and this is something it took me a while to remember) starting a relationship should not feel like getting sent to the principal's office for walking on the wrong side of the hallway. This guy already has you on the defensive and apologizing for breathing. Guess how he would use that advantage? ... He'd sneak in some criticism of you on the first date ... and if you got sucked in, you would feel bad about the criticism, you'd wonder if you could win him over ... and boom, he's got you in the trap. You'd be working hard to get his approval ... and he would NEVER give you full approval ... and never work hard in pleasing you ... because he wants to keep you on the defensive, keep you worrying about meeting his needs. See how that works? Great step to come here and check in! This is interesting. Thank you for responding.
Author Harcel Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 It’s so confusing to me because when a guy disappears he disappears...generally because he lost interest. The only reason I reached out to him that first time around was because he had been initiating and sent the last messsge. I didn’t think that he necessarily disappeared but the fact he started accusing me of doing so said to me that he was accusing me of something he felt he was guilty of doing himself. I know he’s probably testing me now by disappearing again, to see how I react, to see if I contact him again because he likes the drama. Definitely too much like hard work when we haven’t even met yet.
mortensorchid Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 He's yanking your chain. Ditch him and move on.
Gretchen12 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 High maintenance guy. Also he's inexperienced with human interactions. People don't always behave the way you expect. You have to give people room, not be rigid. I learned that when I was 11.
preraph Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 He sounds like he's got a chip on his shoulder and is overly defensive about things. There's no "requirements" for people who just met.
Author Harcel Posted September 7, 2018 Author Posted September 7, 2018 High maintenance guy. Also he's inexperienced with human interactions. People don't always behave the way you expect. You have to give people room, not be rigid. I learned that when I was 11. Very high maintenance. I guess being a young good looking guy he thinks he’s got it like that. The mind games are real. Interesting for someone who says they don’t like playing games....
basil67 Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 Very high maintenance. I guess being a young good looking guy he thinks he’s got it like that. The mind games are real. Interesting for someone who says they don’t like playing games.... I suspect that those who say they want to avoid a specific type of issue often contribute to much of the drama they so loathe.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 Very high maintenance. I guess being a young good looking guy he thinks he’s got it like that. The mind games are real. Interesting for someone who says they don’t like playing games.... I always have to laugh when I hear people say that. I mean, who would admit they like playing games? I don't think he's inexperienced. I think he's just manipulative and his game probably has worked with other girls in the past. I wouldn't give him the time of day.
Author Harcel Posted September 7, 2018 Author Posted September 7, 2018 I always have to laugh when I hear people say that. I mean, who would admit they like playing games? I don't think he's inexperienced. I think he's just manipulative and his game probably has worked with other girls in the past. I wouldn't give him the time of day. I don’t think he’s inexperienced at all. Far from it.
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