rainbowchaser Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 Trying to keep this as brief as possible. Have been seeing a guy for a little over a year now. Not an exclusive relationship though based on what we share, don’t believe he has been intimate with anyone else. We both date around a bit but nothing has come of it on my end either. We have become great friends, and have always enjoyed the sexual aspect of our relationship. We’re not romantic or lovey dovey and to be honest, have always kept the sex on the casual side but fun. Our friendship has grown closer in recent months. He recently told me that the closer we have become, the more the casual side of it has become awkward. Ie that it’s hard to have casual sex with someone whose friendship he values so much. We’ve been having pretty regular sex up until about two weeks. Now he says it just feels weird. He says he is attracted to me and it’s not like we’re never going to do it again but the general feeling I’m getting is that sex is off the table for now. This is really hard for me. Sex has always been a part of our friendship and I am still very attracted to him. Not sure I can deal with just being friends, though his friendship is truly important to me. Not sure how to act or what to say around him now. Not sure if this is just a phase, something he is going through or if it’s even possible to get past this hurdle. Like has he made up his mind and that’s that. I do fear that if we continue to hang out as just friends, that sex will just fade away for good. Need help in talking through this with him. I want to understand what he wants from the relationship in real terms. And whether or not we can get back to what we had. Any words of advice? For background, he is mid-40’s, never married and has always been a bit emotionally distant. He is not easy to read and discussing these sorts of things has always been a bit problematic.
ExpatInItaly Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 My first thought is that maybe he has met or been quietly seeing someone and now doesn't feel right sleeping with you anymore. Is there a reason you two have never taken if further than just FWB? 1
Redhead14 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 What do you want for yourself out of your dating journey overall? Are you looking for a long-term committed relationship with someone and are you thinking that you want that with this guy? If your true goal is a committed relationship, it's not a good idea to "settle" for less than that. It's not a good idea to mix dating goals. Either you want an FWB or you want a real relationship with someone. I want to understand what he wants from the relationship in real terms. - First, you need to decide what your dating goal is and then you have a conversation with him. Depending on what you want overall, you simply make a statement for yourself: If you're ok with FWB -- "Hey, xname, I've really been enjoying the relationship and intimacy we have and I am comfortable with the way things are between us". Then let him talk. If you're real dating goal is a real relationship and you want that with him -- "You know, xname, I am hoping to have a long-term committed relationship with someone at some point and I've really been enjoying the relationship we have and I'd like to move forward with exploring that possibility with you. It seems that you want to remove intimacy from the relationship now. It might be a good idea to take sex out of it for a little while, at least, so that we can evaluate the relationship without the sex to see if there's really more here." Frankly, this guy seems to just be putting you in the friendzone because he's just not feeling it either way.
BaileyB Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 If you have a great friendship and you both enjoy having sexual with each other, I’m trying to figure out why you aren’t dating...
kendahke Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 Any reason why this friendship can't evolve into a sexually intimate relationship?
Author rainbowchaser Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 Thanks all for the thoughtful replies. It is a difficult situation. When we first met, I was one year out of a long-term relationship and trying to get my life back in order. I wasn’t looking for anything serious at the time. He expressed the fact that he had never had much luck in monogamous relationships and so just wasn’t looking for that at this time. I think we were both on the same page for different reasons and so I never pushed for anything more. He has a lot of endearing qualities and as I have stated, we have become really really close friends. But there are certain aspects of his personality and lifestyle that make him unsuitable to me as a long-term, exclusive partner. Now some of you may think « why waste your time? » but the truth is I have been mostly satisfied with our relationship to date. I really don’t want it to change. And given my feelings for him, not sure I can live with being « just friends. » ExpatinItaly, I did have the same thought. He has another friend that he soends time with but he has told me it is just platonic. I will take his word for it but yes, there could be some interest there and maybe he would feel guilty continuing on with me if things got intimate with her. Redhead14 I like your suggestion of how to start the convo. He does know though that I am happy with how things are. I have expressed that. It just feels like if he cares about me, and is attracted to me, then why would he make this decision? I know this is something we need to discuss. I guess my thought is though suppose he does tell me we can’t have sex be a part of it anymore how do I express what I want without being insulting ie I don’t value you enough to just be your friend. I definitely don’t want to find myself in a situation where I am feeling sexually frustrated when I am with him. I do care about his friendship and don’t want to theow that away.
kendahke Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 I have been mostly satisfied with our relationship to date. I really don’t want it to change. And given my feelings for him, not sure I can live with being « just friends. » I know this is something we need to discuss. I guess my thought is though suppose he does tell me we can’t have sex be a part of it anymore how do I express what I want without being insulting ie I don’t value you enough to just be your friend. I definitely don’t want to find myself in a situation where I am feeling sexually frustrated when I am with him. I do care about his friendship and don’t want to theow that away. I think opening yourself up to finding someone new may be a solution to the frustration part and that way, the not having sex anymore part will be blunted. But if he doesn't want to have sex anymore, you're going to have to find some way to self-remedy on that--you have no choice, really. He has as much right to what he wants out of a relationship/involvement as you do. He can't be forced to remain in a situation to keep someone else happy--no one should. Unfortunately, the much needed conversation may yield information you don't want to hear, but need to hear so you can get unstuck from this.
Redhead14 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 (edited) then why would he make this decision? -- Just talk to him and get clarity. how do I express what I want without being insulting - "Xname, I want and need more from you beyond simple friendship. If we aren't on the same page, it's going to be difficult for me because I do enjoy the intimacy and would be wanting that if we spend time together. I think it's best if we move on with our lives and focus on what we each really want in our lives. I don’t value you enough to just be your friend. - If you don't want friendship with him without sex, that is what you are saying. He knows you enjoy the sex with him, yet he's insulting you by removing it from the scenario. You want sex and he wants just friendship. You can remove the friendship. If a "relationship" scenario isn't meeting your needs, you simply move on. If he's insulted, he'll have to get over it. The $64,000 question you really need answered is why doesn't he want sex with you anymore? To me, a guy who has been having sex regularly without strings attached, wouldn't give that up and offer "breadcrumbs" without a significant reason -- i.e. another woman in the picture with whom he wants to pursue a real relationship. Edited September 6, 2018 by Redhead14
Midnightfvkgirl Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 I have the same issue. Met the guy on a dating site, 10 months later he's saying sex "complicates things"..we have a great friendship but I didnt meet him on a dating site to just be friends.
stillafool Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 I guess the closeness you are now experiencing as friends (revealing previously private information) has now made him lose sexual attraction to you and that is why he doesn't want to continue the sexual part of your relationship. That doesn't make him a bad guy. His feelings have just changed. This obviously doesn't work for you and you will have to find a new sex partner; that's basically it. No you cannot continue to be his friend because you want sex and he arouses you that way. Just tell him this and let him go. What else can you do? 1
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 He's pretty much sending you down the road in a soft non confrontational way. When the sex stops, he's moving on. Nothing to be confused about. It's possible he wants solitude again because this is getting to much for him. He doesn't want to get that close to anyone. Hence the reason he's in his 40's and no interest in getting married. Sure he says he's still attracted to you, but that's just to soften the blow.
Dis Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 It sounds like he's ending the relationship There's not much else to it other than that Don't beg for him for things to be the way they were before Go find someone who wants you the way you want him
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