Dated Widower Broke up by Text

[tryingtoo]

I met a man this summer, we dated for 10 weeks. He is 61 and I am 47. He is a widower, was married for 31 years and his wife passed 3 years ago.

 

It seemed to start off very fast with him. He told me he was "ready", and looking back, it seems like he had made up his mind when we met that I was going to be "the one".

 

I just got out of an abusive marriage, I was married for 21 years, had know my ex since I was 15 (and he was also a lot older than me) and so I have almost no experience dating. I have been alone for over a year and it was just so nice to find someone who wanted me and treated me nicely.

 

He had me meet his friends and his kids, and I let him meet my son. And he met my friends. Everyone seemed to get along fine.

 

But from the get go, there were some red flags. He would cancel our plans often. He'd say because he was tired or not in the right mood, etc.

 

I could feel him pulling back a few weeks ago. I asked him different times what was wrong and he told me nothing, he's fine. But he started canceling our plans more, not sending as many texts, etc. Then a week before we broke up, he sent me a text saying I need to cut him some slack, he needs his time and space, that's "all" he needs. (At this point we were seeing each other maybe 3 times a week) I said Ok, lets work with that, and I'm not trying to move in or take over.

 

We otherwise got along great. Three days before he ended it, I told him the "I need my space" text worried me. He said oh I have no intention of dumping you or anything like that. The night before he dumped me, we were talking about some plans we had for the following week.

 

Then I get a text, saying its not me, its him, he just can't get past feeling guilty even though he knows he's doing nothing wrong, he's not ready to move on like he thought he was, and maybe never will be.

 

And that was about it! I answered his text asking him if he was sure he had given this enough thought, and he said bottom line is he's not ready.

 

I sent him one last text saying I think we're both hurting, and I would be open to hearing from him again if he gets to the point where he thinks he's able. He has not tried to contact me since. That was two weeks ago.

 

I know it wasn't a long relationship but it meant a lot to me, my first relationship after my divorce, after my ex husband told me no man would ever want me, etc. I really wanted this to work. I was really hurting about the break up. Its gotten a little easier, I'm still hurting, but I can concentrate on work and my son again, which helps. But I still think about him and miss him.

 

I was a little taken aback being dumped by text, especially by a man his age. I thought that was a little brutal. I had some things at his house, and he brought them over to my house and left them outside in a bag - apparently couldn't face me.

 

I can't help but wonder if he'll have regrets and try to get back in touch. His friend told me he had "opportunities" with several women before me, and always had a reason for it not to work. But none of them lasted more than one or two dates.

 

And I wonder if the "I'm not ready" line was just an excuse? Why would he assure me just days before he broke it off that he was not going to do that very thing? Why would he sit and make plans with me one night and dump me the next?

Edited September 6, 2018 by tryingtoo

[Happy Lemming]

At 61, I would have expected him to do the "break up" in person. I'm not quite that old, but I wouldn't use a text message to break up with someone. So, I agree with you there.

 

Its hard to say if 3 years was long enough for him to get over his deceased wife. People grieve at different speeds. The fact that other women he dated were only 1 or 2 dates says you were special to him. You meant enough to him to introduce his children to you, so that means something.

 

As far as making plans, then dumping you... maybe something triggered a new bout of grief and sadness. Maybe he went through some old pictures... maybe his kids said something to him that reminded him of his deceased wife, maybe he felt himself getting close to you and that made him scared or upset, who knows... Don't beat yourself up and over analyze your actions, he just wasn't ready to date, yet.

 

Just my two cents...

[preraph]

Oh, sorry. Got you all invested and then bailed. Well, I guess that red flag you noticed about him seeming determined you were the one was for real a sign something wasn't right. I'm in my 60s and I've been set in my ways a long time before that. He probably wants someone to fit right in to his life without adjustments, which never happens. At least he did tell you it was him feeling guilty. Hey, at least you picked a guy who DID feel guilty. So don't be hard on yourself.

[Lost1961]

I am hearing your pain, I'm living it also.

 

I believe that widowers who have been happily married a very long time can struggle with the guilt, betrayal and feelings of intense loss when dating someone new. We are not mirrors of their deceased wives so they reflect back to how things were once for them.

 

I've seen some widowers carry anger that their spouses left them. Some marry within a year, they have accepted their loss and freed themselves to love again. Some carry intense grief, they can't get through it.

 

Personally I would never again date a widower of a mature age who had a long and happy marriage. Once bitten twice shy. I took to reading the writings of Abel Keogh and also watching his videos. They were helpful in understanding and identifying red flags.

 

I also absorbed the comments on here when I posted my story. Each day I improve, each day I make new plans, each day I move towards acceptance and that I deserve a man who is ready for commitment and through the grief of his relationship, albeit through divorce, death, etc. I believe you will see that also. Your guy, like mine, is just not ready.

Edited September 6, 2018 by Lost1961

[tryingtoo]

Thank you. I guess I just figured someone who had been married that long and was older wouldn't be as flaky as younger men. But I guess there is a whole other set of issues that go with it.

 

I'm still not feeling the best.

[Lost1961]

Yes, very true. I'm wiser now for my experience of having dated and loved my guy. I saw stability, love for his wife, a very happy 45 years. I admired him so very much.

Flakiness, inability to commit, difficulty moving on..... It hits all ages. I ignored the red flags, as we often do.

 

Gems do come along who will give their heart and their future. Keep looking just as I am doing. Pain I find is like a yoyo, have to swing with the emotions as no day is exactly the same and it does hurt less in time.

[FMW]

I'm sorry this turned out this way for you.

 

This was your first post divorce relationship and it seems your ex husband did a number on your confidence (he sounds like an a**). Now you know that other men can and will want you. This man ending things so abruptly and unexpectedly was clearly not about you. As Happy Lemming noted he seemed to see you as special, he just wasn't able to handle it.

 

This was a transitional relationship for you and now you're ready to move forward. There's another guy out there who will be thrilled to go the distance with you, so don't hold on to this disappointment and block yourself from seeing him.

[Lost1961]

Well said findingmyway.

 

Don't let your idiot of an exhusband and this latest man put your self worth down. Everyone is special in their own right.... the man who values you, treats you beautifully and will never let you go has yet to appear.

[tryingtoo]

Thank you.

You are all so kind and helpful.