Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Neither of us have been married before but I would say both of us have been wanting to settle with the right person Both 35 and want kids soon. Been dating since April. He wants to get married at the end of the year. We love each other but both have become jaded by love and we aren't mystified by the concept. Romance is still a thing but we are more pragmatic. We look at love as building a home and we aren't getting any younger. We are still getting to know each other but he really wants to get married, settle down and have children as soon as possible. Thoughts and concerns?
Redhead14 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Neither of us have been married before but I would say both of us have been wanting to settle with the right person Both 35 and want kids soon. Been dating since April. He wants to get married at the end of the year. We love each other but both have become jaded by love and we aren't mystified by the concept. Romance is still a thing but we are more pragmatic. We look at love as building a home and we aren't getting any younger. We are still getting to know each other but he really wants to get married, settle down and have children as soon as possible. Thoughts and concerns? What is your desired timeline? I mean are you looking to be married in 2 years, 3 years? If your timelines don't match, that's not a good thing really. Don't let someone else's timeline pressure you. You've only been dating about 5 months, that's too soon to be looking at marriage by end of this year, IMO.
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I wouldn't listen to him tbh. Go by how you feel. You don't jump into the concept of marriage just because time seems to be running out. You want to be sure you both want to be together through the long haul, thick or thin, good times and the bad....be there for each other, be in love, in a strong bond. If you don't have that, someone some time will want out, cheat, or just be bitter and miserable, stuck. 2
bathtub-row Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 It’s fine if that’s what you both want. But if you feel pressured, then don’t agree to it. I always say a couple should go through all four seasons before they really know one another. The two of you haven’t been dating that long so it seems too soon if you ask me. Again, though, if it was what you both wanted, that would be great. But that’s not the impression I’m getting from you.
preraph Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 You need to know someone a couple of years to even see who they really are. It's a huge gamble to marry after a few months. You have to go through bad times with them and see how their temperament is when they're not just trying to have sex with you and impress you. Don't let anyone rush you into marriage. That's foolhardy and suspicious. Remember, if it's a good offer now, it will be a good offer a year from now. You're not that old yet. 4
carhill Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Not unreasonable but in this socio-political-legal climate marriage isn't really that important to having children, not like it was when I was that age. Tenants and friend's children and grandchildren educated me a bunch on that. Make it end of the year 2019? Sounds more reasonable, considering dating only since April. No rush.
snowboy91 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 While it may feel like time is not on your side, the usual rules apply even though you're in your mid 30s. If you're pragmatic, I'd suggest looking at it from a different angle - what do you think the reality of being married and having children with him could be? Have you known him long enough to be certain? I feel that less than a year of dating is far too soon - it's unlikely you know enough about him to know you'll be able to live with him for the rest of your life. A mid 30s male might easily be of the mindset of wanting to settle down and get married, and may want it enough to want to rush it. But don't let him rush you, you need to be certain yourself.
mortensorchid Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 I don't think it's unreasonable to want to get married someday, but you have known this person barely 5/6 months. You are still in the infatuation stage at the moment. I've known many who are in the infatuation stage and move in together - BIG MISTAKE - or marry - EVEN BIGGER MISTAKE. The purpose of a LTR is to know one another and be together and to know one another. Because you better like them. Not love, just like that person. And a lot of people either jump in headfirst without looking or they live in eternal fear of commitment. But don't be foolish - Spend a year together at least and see where it goes. Then you're in it for the long haul, and one will either fish or cut bait. That's really a shame when they do cut bait, but ... That's also life. 1
Mumbles Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 I'm going to take a different view from most posters here (so far). You've said you are both pragmatic and I think this is key. I left behind me the rose coloured glasses of fairy tale romantic love when my first wife and I got divorced. Which is not at all to say that I don't love my second wife - I most certainly do, but its a completely different relationship to my first. We are both firmly rooted in real-world pragmatism and I now believe that to be successfully married, and remain married, both people need to want that ... to be and remain married. That sounds like a truism, and it is, its such a simple concept. Marriage, in my view, needs to serve a purpose ... a real world purpose - not simply be a public display of romantic love. So long as the purpose is fulfilled, in an ongoing and continuous way, you will both stay together. 4 years after divorcing my first wife I met my second wife, in April, and we were married mid August of the same year. That was more than 5 years ago. We are even more bonded to each other now than we were then. My first marriage was a purely romantic marriage and I was deeply deeply in love with her (the whole poetry and heartfelt outpouring type). It took us ten years to get to that point. We married, and by year 5 were in serious trouble. We continued on for another 5, but it wasn't good.
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 7, 2018 Author Posted September 7, 2018 Having been hurt in relationships ( both of us) you just want to try a different approach. My last relationship ended so abruptly and I was happy that in this relationship he laid his cards straight. " I'm looking for a house & a wife to build a home". Nothing in my book that sees anything remotely wrong with that idea. I think love can grow. So I want to get married I just wasn't expecting at the end of the year!!
No_Go Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 Is he religious? I have the gut feeling that something like this is more of the reason for his accelerated timeline than his age, which is on the lower end for settling down for a guy... I dated a Christian guy in the past and most of his church friends had married within an year of dating. The year was obviously to avoid/minimize physical stuff before then, and the pastors were very vocal about it (i mean about pushing couples to marry fast). Neither of us have been married before but I would say both of us have been wanting to settle with the right person Both 35 and want kids soon. Been dating since April. He wants to get married at the end of the year. We love each other but both have become jaded by love and we aren't mystified by the concept. Romance is still a thing but we are more pragmatic. We look at love as building a home and we aren't getting any younger. We are still getting to know each other but he really wants to get married, settle down and have children as soon as possible. Thoughts and concerns?
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 7, 2018 Author Posted September 7, 2018 Yes he is christian as am I. In some churches ( not all) there is a culture within some churches to push couples to marry young and fast. He sees his friends marry and he fears of losing out. He said that he wishes we had met & married 10 years ago & he's sorry about that.
carhill Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 Oh, yeah, got all that religious indoctrination stuff. No birth control, married, no sex until married, stay a virgin, the whole smash. Didn't get married until 41. Tossed the church in the rubbish bin. Everyone was married by the time I was 25. Most had school age kids by that age. Sure it kinda sucked socially but strong independent parenting set the tone for balancing one's own path with that of the group. However, if all the paper stuff (the practical aspects key to a legal partnership) matches the limerence stuff, move in and put getting married on the front burner. Moving in will save a bunch of dough and make a wedding/honeymoon and child to come easier to deal with. Same page on money, religion, and children? Those are the big ones IME. Politics is in there but couples can usually work that out. IMO, the challenge with marrying while in the infatuation phase is transparency, something often clouded by the sexual haze. Best behavior rules and people hold their tongues and sometimes compromise their natural styles in favor of the love rush. Your deal? Unknown. IMO, if you've had marked disagreements and have been able to compromise and work through them and feel positive after, then chances are better. Money should be a big one. Make an appointment with prenup attorneys and see what I mean. It gets real, real quick. Best wishes for a positive outcome and happy and long marriage, if that's your choice.
d0nnivain Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 Too soon. You won't have even been dating for a year by the time you are married. Get engaged at Christmas & have at least a year long engagement, getting married next year if you like. Getting married because you are a certain age or all your friends are married is getting married for all the wrong reasons & practically guarantees you will be divorced just as quickly as you hitched. 1
Gaeta Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 You are both living like couples did 50 years ago, I doubt you wait 2 years to marry to finally have sex. Back in 1964 my parents married after 8 months dating because Church demanded that. Sure they have been married for 54 years this year but even though my dad was a good man, hard working and honest, he was difficult to deal with and they had nothing in common. If my mom had known him ahead of time maybe she would have decided to not deal with a man of his temperament. I spend an enormous amount of time with my BF, we don't leave each other's side and only from year 2 I started to learn how he handles stress and conflicts. If I had learn that while living together, I probably would have ripped his head off. The *getting to know each other* should not happen after marriage. You have plenty of times to make babies. My brother and his wife just got their first child and both are 39. . 1
preraph Posted September 7, 2018 Posted September 7, 2018 (edited) I'm sorry. Big mistake. You want to marry because you can get along with the person longterm, not because you are a Christian of a certain age. That's not smart.There are puhlenty of miserable married Christians. There are plenty of deadbeat Christian fathers. There are plenty of Christian cheaters. There are plenty of physically and mentally abusive Christians. There are plenty of divorced Christians who fought like hyenas during divorce. Just because he wants sex and is Christian and you want a baby and are Christian is not a good enough reason to marry in a hurry before you know someone. I think this is a case where your religions aren't working for either of you and are in fact preventing you from making safe and wise life choices. As for "learning to love each other," living together for some time more often makes you extremely annoyed with the other person and makes you less attracted to them, but men will have sex whether they or you are happy or not. So you might want to have the preacher leave the "obey" out of the vows. Edited September 7, 2018 by preraph 1
No_Go Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 I think it's not so much that church is pushing him, he's probably eager to have sex with you, which for him will happen after marriage? In any case, I checked your previous threads and you don't seem too excited about him...If I were you I'd think long and hard. Sure, there is always a way out but divorces are usually more expensive and messier than typical breakups. If his motivation was that you're the love of his life it will be more understandable, but here he's ticking a box, and craving sex, from all written.... Yes he is christian as am I. In some churches ( not all) there is a culture within some churches to push couples to marry young and fast. He sees his friends marry and he fears of losing out. He said that he wishes we had met & married 10 years ago & he's sorry about that. 1
Author Daisy-oliviaWentcher Posted September 8, 2018 Author Posted September 8, 2018 The sex thing is of lesser significance to his agenda than having a baby. He really wants a kid. I wasn't excited at first but I grew to like him & fall for him. His love language is acts of service so he helps me out a lot. He's a great guy. I would like to marry him, maybe mid next year perhaps
No_Go Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 (edited) Maybe then get engaged around Christmas and marry next year? It's a good compromise for you both this way. Since you're mid 30s it makes sense to hurry getting pregnant anyway. If you marry mid next year you'd have the chance to know him for a full year so not too bad. The sex thing is of lesser significance to his agenda than having a baby. He really wants a kid. I wasn't excited at first but I grew to like him & fall for him. His love language is acts of service so he helps me out a lot. He's a great guy. I would like to marry him, maybe mid next year perhaps Edited September 9, 2018 by a LoveShack.org Moderator 1
amaysngrace Posted September 18, 2018 Posted September 18, 2018 Don’t let him pressure you into getting married before you’re ready. It’s way too soon to even know this person and for all you know he could be putting on an act to hook you and wants to seal the deal so he can be his true self which is someone you’d never ever want to marry. I would tell him it’s too soon to talk about marriage and use the time to get to know each other better. 1
Chilli Posted September 18, 2018 Posted September 18, 2018 (edited) There's gotta be a lot more to how you feel and things you see in him than he helps you out a lot. l mean what the ? But if there is and you feel good about it all long term, nothing screaming at you from with in, why not. You could suggest mid next year instead too if you haven't already. There's all kinds of love and the growing kind actually has just as good record in marriage as any other kind, actually think l read someone it's even better. The longest successful marriage l know of , without talking parents or much older people,is of the growing kind, 35yrs so far and they've out survived jsut about everyone. But for you , it's about knowing yourself and being honest with yourself about it so if your happy with things , why not. Edited September 18, 2018 by Chilli
Recommended Posts