ElecTriX Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Long story but need to vent because every word pains me right now.. Some things are logical and some things are from the heart. I can't turn the heart off. Was together with a woman for over 4 years. It was a rollercoaster relationship. Some weeks were good, some weeks were bad. Most often the bads were because of her temper, she could get angry for the smallest thing.. I left her because I felt that she pushed me and my self esteem down in the ground. After 4 years I didnt know who I was anymore. She was sometimes almost psychotic, she hit me in the face once when we argued. So.. I left her. I felt great for the first time in a very long time. Then she called me saying she was pregnant. I didnt believe her first, but she was and we have a son today, 1 yo. So why am I writing this? During the summer when I had my vacation I went to visit my son very often, which of course included spending time with her also as she was there.. Everything went great and we had fun. After this she has like sent me very subtle hints, animated gifs of people making out and so on.. At first I thought it was only for fun, but after a while, for some reason, it got to me.. I dreamt that we were together again, and happy. A family. I woke up heartbroken. I hadnt had a feeling for her for over a year, not a single feeling. Then one day I wake up and have this intense rush of emotions for her. I told myself it was only a dream, nothing more and to not thing about it. Appearantly I suck at not thinking about it because she noticed it was something when I went to visit my kid two days after. I told her it was nothing but after 10 times of asking she understood what it was. She went quiet and then said the following "Have I ever made you think I want you back? That it is like a open door back?" I said no and that I will forget about it and that it wont interfere with our cooperation for our son. Now this is fine right here, I was sad.. and started getting back up from the "rejection" if you can call it that. Then today her mother wrote in a group chat (were we share photos of my son so all the closest relatives can see) "Oh how he is running. I hope that he will be tired and sleep for tonight." insinuating like "I hope he will sleep tonight because something will happen". I first asked if my son have had trouble sleeping, she said no. Then I asked "Well OK? So what is happening tonight then?". She read it, no reply. And now I feel really bad. Sad. Angry. Jealous. Because for 99% she will probably meet someone (she would have answered otherwise) while my son is sleeping in the room next door. This is what my heart feels and I can't ignore that. My brain still thinks "So? You are not together, she can do whatever she wants. She treated you like s##t, why be sad?" And.. I don't know what to do. I have worked out, I have cleaned my apartment.. I can't stop thinking about it.
Redhead14 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 (edited) To me, it sounds like you are in love with the "idea" of having a relationship, a home and family not in love with her. You know it can't work with the two of you but it "feels" like having a real family. I say keep moving and keep busy and be social. Find yourself with whom you can have the "relationship" part of this scenario. You can co-parent your son while having a satisfying relationship with someone other than his mother. Find a woman who understands the co-parenting relationship and is willing to support you in that effort. That's what you really need here, I think. I also think your concerns about who she brings around your son is valid/important. Your son should be her first priority and she shouldn't be parading men through her/your son's life. She can and should be dating, but not bringing guys home until she's determined that the relationship is solid and likely to last. So, yes, keep an eye on that but don't dwell on it. You may be a little "jealous" about another man participating in parenting your child but if you are an active, stable force in your's son's life, you will have a bond that can't be broken or overshadowed by a step-father. Your son needs a father who is happy and confident and focused and is making him the #1 priority in his life. He doesn't need a sad, stressed, confused man. Edited September 5, 2018 by Redhead14
Author ElecTriX Posted September 5, 2018 Author Posted September 5, 2018 To me, it sounds like you are in love with the "idea" of having a relationship, a home and family not in love with her. You know it can't work with the two of you but it "feels" like having a real family. I say keep moving and keep busy and be social. Find yourself with whom you can have the "relationship" part of this scenario. You can co-parent your son while having a satisfying relationship with someone other than his mother. Find a woman who understands the co-parenting relationship and is willing to support you in that effort. That's what you really need here, I think. I also think your concerns about who she brings around your son is valid/important. Your son should be her first priority and she shouldn't be parading men through her/your son's life. She can and should be dating, but not bringing guys home until she's determined that the relationship is solid and likely to last. So, yes, keep an eye on that but don't dwell on it. You may be a little "jealous" about another man participating in parenting your child but if you are an active, stable force in your's son's life, you will have a bond that can't be broken or overshadowed by a step-father. Your son needs a father who is happy and confident and focused and is making him the #1 priority in his life. He doesn't need a sad, stressed, confused man. Thank you so much for your reply. I feel so lonely right now. Almost like I was the one being dumped. Really weird because there is absolutely no logic in that.. You are not the first to say that. That it is not her but family.. But then why am I feeling jealous. Why do I feel regret. She replied me with a totally different topic ignoring my question. I know it is none of my business.. But it's tearing inside me. The image.. of my son waking up tomorrow and another man sleeping in moms bed. What he will think, what will he say to my son. I feel nauciois. Panic attack..
Redhead14 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Thank you so much for your reply. I feel so lonely right now. Almost like I was the one being dumped. Really weird because there is absolutely no logic in that.. You are not the first to say that. That it is not her but family.. But then why am I feeling jealous. Why do I feel regret. She replied me with a totally different topic ignoring my question. I know it is none of my business.. But it's tearing inside me. The image.. of my son waking up tomorrow and another man sleeping in moms bed. What he will think, what will he say to my son. I feel nauciois. Panic attack.. You cannot control what your son's mother does. What you can do is make sure that your son has a strong bond with YOU and knows he can come to you if there is a problem in that household or has questions about anything. That is your job. You're feeling a lack of control. You're jealous that another man may be experiencing more of the benefits of fathering your son. It's not about her. Take some control. I would hire an attorney and find a mediator who can help you two work out some co-parenting ground rules that you both can agree on -- which would include guidelines for both of you for bringing dating partners around your son. I would also explore custody arrangements so that you can have time with your son for extended periods without being in her home or presence. The more time you spend in her home, the more difficult it will be. And, if I were you, I would require a DNA test to confirm that that child is yours.
Orokotikki Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Then today her mother wrote in a group chat (were we share photos of my son so all the closest relatives can see) "Oh how he is running. I hope that he will be tired and sleep for tonight." insinuating like "I hope he will sleep tonight because something will happen". I first asked if my son have had trouble sleeping, she said no. Then I asked "Well OK? So what is happening tonight then?". She read it, no reply. It is my understand that babies/toddlers tend to not sleep all the way through the night and that it is a common hardship of parenting them to wake up at night and care for them. It seems quite likely she is referring to this and nothing more. If you are paying child support, have a paternity test done. I think you should try to reach a conclusion about whether you are pursuing this relationship or just co-parenting and set the appropriate limits on yourself.
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