lostgirl123 Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 Hi, This is my first time posting here. I've been reading the posts in the forum for a while now, and I must say you guys give great advice. I hope you guys can help me with my mess of a situation! My ex and I have broken up for 3 months now, I've tried everything from showing my "unconditional love" for him (re advice from Blase Harris' "How to get your lover back") to not talking to him much, etc. But the problem is that we can't stop talking completely cuz he sits right in front of me at work Anyhow, a ton of "unconditional love" (from ecards for no reason, to helping him apartment-search, to giving him little sort of meaningful gifts) got me and my ex from akwardness/him not returning my calls, to us hanging out after work occasionally. I didn't push ANYTHING, and was extra-careful to keep him at an arm's distance. But a few days before my birthday, my coworkers held a birthday party for me. After a few glasses of whisky, my ex took me home. We held hands and hugged on the way home. When I got home though, I didn't want him to leave. I wouldn't let him go, continuously repeating "Don't go, I miss you", and cried. He let me hug him, but when I tried to kiss him, he shook his head. When he wanted to leave, I jokingly said, "Kiss me and you can leave". He pecked me on my lips immediately. We made out for a bit and I begged him back. He said he still liked being alone (which is why he broke up with me, he felt too tied down cuz I wanted his time 24/7 I guess), and I told him that I've changed a lot. He said he'll give me an answer in a couple of days and left. I waited patiently for his answer, but he didn't give me any answer at all. I text messaged him apologizing for pressuring him and said that I love him no matter what. We were sort of fine after that at work, acting as if nothing happened. On my birthday, however, he didn't wish me happy birthday all morning long, even though I kept hinting to him that today was my birthday. Nothing. Then I asked him to lunch, but he misunderstood what it was for and said no. I then sent him an email saying "it wouldn't kill you to say happy birthday. and don't show up to lunch, i don't want to see you"." He gave me a very nice birthday gift after that email and followed us to lunch, but I told him he didn't have to come coldly, and he left. I apologized through text message after for being so rude, and after lunch we were emailing each other again. After a few misunderstandings, he thought I wanted him to be my boyfriend for one day and he said "This is unappropriate". I told him he misunderstood my meaning and that I just wanted him to stop hurting me for one day. So after that, I told him we shouldn't be friends anymore because he always hurts me, and returned the wonderful birthday gift he gave me. He sent me an email that night apologizing and saying he'll try his best to make me happy and that he doesn't want us not to be friends, and that I'm a great gf and friend. I emailed him back saying that I just need time to get over him, and we haven't talked since. We talked yesterday though (after a week), I pretended nothing happened and just talked casually with him. (I broke the "NC" because I missed him too much, and I felt guilty for ignoring him since he sits in front of me) But still, he doesn't initiate conversations anymore, and I could feel that our relationship definitely has changed (not for the better). So what can I do? I hate the feeling that I was almost there, that I screwed up all my hard work to this point, and that I may have lost my chance forever. Oh btw, I fall under the "under 25 and dated under 3 months category". But I'll never stop loving him because I thought he was "The One". The posters on this forum always give great advice, so I hope I can be able to get some good advice too. Thanks in advance.
Merin Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 Hi, This is my first time posting here. I've been reading the posts in the forum for a while now, and I must say you guys give great advice. I hope you guys can help me with my mess of a situation! My ex and I have broken up for 3 months now, I've tried everything from showing my "unconditional love" for him (re advice from Blase Harris' "How to get your lover back") to not talking to him much, etc. But the problem is that we can't stop talking completely cuz he sits right in front of me at work Anyhow, a ton of "unconditional love" (from ecards for no reason, to helping him apartment-search, to giving him little sort of meaningful gifts) got me and my ex from akwardness/him not returning my calls, to us hanging out after work occasionally. I didn't push ANYTHING, and was extra-careful to keep him at an arm's distance. But a few days before my birthday, my coworkers held a birthday party for me. After a few glasses of whisky, my ex took me home. We held hands and hugged on the way home. When I got home though, I didn't want him to leave. I wouldn't let him go, continuously repeating "Don't go, I miss you", and cried. He let me hug him, but when I tried to kiss him, he shook his head. When he wanted to leave, I jokingly said, "Kiss me and you can leave". He pecked me on my lips immediately. We made out for a bit and I begged him back. He said he still liked being alone (which is why he broke up with me, he felt too tied down cuz I wanted his time 24/7 I guess), and I told him that I've changed a lot. He said he'll give me an answer in a couple of days and left. I waited patiently for his answer, but he didn't give me any answer at all. I text messaged him apologizing for pressuring him and said that I love him no matter what. We were sort of fine after that at work, acting as if nothing happened. On my birthday, however, he didn't wish me happy birthday all morning long, even though I kept hinting to him that today was my birthday. Nothing. Then I asked him to lunch, but he misunderstood what it was for and said no. I then sent him an email saying "it wouldn't kill you to say happy birthday. and don't show up to lunch, i don't want to see you"." He gave me a very nice birthday gift after that email and followed us to lunch, but I told him he didn't have to come coldly, and he left. I apologized through text message after for being so rude, and after lunch we were emailing each other again. After a few misunderstandings, he thought I wanted him to be my boyfriend for one day and he said "This is unappropriate". I told him he misunderstood my meaning and that I just wanted him to stop hurting me for one day. So after that, I told him we shouldn't be friends anymore because he always hurts me, and returned the wonderful birthday gift he gave me. He sent me an email that night apologizing and saying he'll try his best to make me happy and that he doesn't want us not to be friends, and that I'm a great gf and friend. I emailed him back saying that I just need time to get over him, and we haven't talked since. We talked yesterday though (after a week), I pretended nothing happened and just talked casually with him. (I broke the "NC" because I missed him too much, and I felt guilty for ignoring him since he sits in front of me) But still, he doesn't initiate conversations anymore, and I could feel that our relationship definitely has changed (not for the better). So what can I do? I hate the feeling that I was almost there, that I screwed up all my hard work to this point, and that I may have lost my chance forever. Oh btw, I fall under the "under 25 and dated under 3 months category". But I'll never stop loving him because I thought he was "The One". The posters on this forum always give great advice, so I hope I can be able to get some good advice too. Thanks in advance. First, sorry you're going through such a rough time Second... IMO you NEED to leave this Guy alone no matter how much you miss him or love him... you NEED to love yourself MORE. Clearly you're not getting anything you want or need from this Guy and if he more or less broke up with you because you were to demanding of his time or he felt you were to clingy I can garauntee that what you're showing him now isn't that you've changed in that regard but that you're still very needy of his affection only thing thats changed now is that you're willing to accept whatever he throws your way for now.... You seem like a sweet girl and I'm sure you are an amazing girlfriend and friend.... however this guy doesn't appreciate that in you.... If you never go away, he can't miss you.... Think about that... hang in there
jhurtinct Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 I think you need to leave him alone altogether, as hard as it may be. If you must work that closely say hello (if he does) and leave it at that. You will get farther in your own recovery and possibly even in your friendship, if you just let him be. The more you email, text mess, invite to lunch, send e cards it is probably pushing him away. back off alot to the nc rule and you'll feel better eventually and maybe then ur friendship can happen if not at least you've pulled away it will be easier in the long haul. good luck
suegail Posted September 7, 2005 Posted September 7, 2005 Sometimes when someone overwhelms you with their love, when they need you, need you, need you, it can become a problem. It sounds like he genuinely cares for you, but is drawing away from you because of the amount of emotion you're pouring out. Personally, I think it would have been better on your birthday if you had simply been courteous to him when he showed up for lunch. I think you should have welcomed him there and thanked him kindly for the gift. I do think it's these emotional displays that push him in the other direction. Avoid that, if you can, because I think there is going to come a point (and it may be now) when he will flat out want no more of this. Take it down a notch in other words - several notches actually. Put no pressure on him of any kind.
Author lostgirl123 Posted September 9, 2005 Author Posted September 9, 2005 Thanks for your answers. I'm having a little trouble comprehending the part about "loving yourself" though. I get that advice a lot, but exactly how do you "love yourself"? Does that mean not taking any crap from him? And if he gives me crap ignore him?
lost_in_chgo Posted September 9, 2005 Posted September 9, 2005 Thanks for your answers. I'm having a little trouble comprehending the part about "loving yourself" though. I get that advice a lot, but exactly how do you "love yourself"? Does that mean not taking any crap from him? And if he gives me crap ignore him? The love yourself stuff assumes that you are desperately reaching out for someone because you hate yourself and need someone to validate you to feel better about yourself. This applies to very few people. Normally people are upset after a breakup because they have suffered a loss, not because they hate themselves. But there is a similar process of concentrating on yourself and your needs, which would be more like "be loving to yourself". Worry about your own well being first, dont expect someone else to make things better for you all the time. Also, that does not mean be an island, dont care about other people or isolate yourself emotionally. If you love and lose, it's going to hurt. That's how we are designed. And it sounds like you had more than 3 months into this if you've worked with him longer than that. But the thing is, that from his end, maybe it was just something he was trying out. The connection needs to be there on both sides. At the very least, this guy has some respect for you. Otherwise he would have taken advantage of your situation and slept with you when he had the chance and then dropped you all over again the next day.
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