marcusglory2 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 First of all, sorry for my bad english. It's not my main language. So, I've met this girl at work, she is 20 and I'm 29. At first we only talked casually and then as we started to know each other better we felt attraction in a instant because we had a lot of things in common, we started talking a lot at work and then texting after it, she always responded in a span of an hour at most. I decided to ask her to hang out on a Saturday and it ended like a date since I made the move. Everything went fine, we kissed/hold hands and had a nice day. Two days after the date things were different, she said that things were going too fast. I respected her decision and move on with a grief since I've never felt this hard connection with someone. I started to act more profissionally at work and only talk to her when needed, it looks like she did the same. Then after some days she started to slowly come after me to talk about other things, the first thing I though was "ok she likes me for some reason and wants friendship". But since I don't want friendship I've only answered without thinking too much or keeping the talk for a long time. Since last week she talks to me everyday basically, always initiating the subject, things like about our childhood, places she wanna go. For example, yesterday she started talking about the tattoo she is going to do and even asked me if I want to go with her. Today she started talking about a concert we gonna go(not together) and mourn that we couldn't sit together. Then the talk shifted to beachs and she invited me to go to the beach with her and her friend that is in a relationship. I know she is not that interested because of her behavior, we are interacting but not like it was before our date you know, with that excitment, 100% eye contact and lots of texts. I have some female friends and I can tell, it feels different... The way we are it's not like friendship at all and she is not only being polite because of the work since I'm not even going after her. It's like she is giving mixed signals, not totally interested in a romantic way, but also not totally friendly. Like a gray zone, but not from indifference. I don't know maybe is she trying a FWB thing? Or am I overthinking? Even if I'm acting like I've moved on, I know I'm still into her so part of me thinks she is only playing friendship and another part wants to belive her feelings are slowly changing but still uncertain and that's because she is not that interested. I also know that usually the way she act represents her emotional state in THAT moment as I've seen a lot o similar cases where after some months or years things changed and ended in a healthy relationship. "Feelings change like weather" my mother used to say. I should add that even if I'm into her, I'm not being exclusive and I'm still open to another girls that I may meet. But as I said, we had a strong connection so I'd like to know if there's something to do or just keep things the way they are and see what happens in the future. Also don't worry about the work environment, dates between employees are normal here and I'll be leaving by the end of the year. Thank you for the help!
preraph Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 Ask her on a date. A real date. Where you pay. Ask her so she knows she's on a date. Ask her so YOU know you're on a date. It's too soon to worry about exclusivity anyway. You haven't even gone out yet. You date to get to know someone. Dating in and of itself is not a commitment.
Lotsgoingon Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 You went out with her kissed her and held hands. She later told you things were going too fast. This is where I lose you. You interpreted her statement as rejection. I interpret her statement as slow down ... most likely with the physical touch. Sounds like she wants to get to know you more. So I don't follow your thinking. She never said she was uninterested ... She simply said she needed to go slower. Totally reasonably for a 20 year old woman to say to a 29 year-old man. What am I missing? 1
Author marcusglory2 Posted September 5, 2018 Author Posted September 5, 2018 Ask her on a date. A real date. Where you pay. Ask her so she knows she's on a date. Ask her so YOU know you're on a date. It's too soon to worry about exclusivity anyway. You haven't even gone out yet. You date to get to know someone. Dating in and of itself is not a commitment. I got your point, our "date" was supposed to be only a hang out to know each other apart from work environment. Things just escalated, we started doing unplanned things like going to the theater and just kissed there. I've paid everything btw since I invited her. As I said it was a hang out that turned into a date. I think you got wrong in the exclusivity part... I've only said that to show that I'm not one those guys that are living for a person even tho I'm into her. I agree it's too soon for any kind of commitment.
Author marcusglory2 Posted September 5, 2018 Author Posted September 5, 2018 You went out with her kissed her and held hands. She later told you things were going too fast. This is where I lose you. You interpreted her statement as rejection. I interpret her statement as slow down ... most likely with the physical touch. Sounds like she wants to get to know you more. So I don't follow your thinking. She never said she was uninterested ... She simply said she needed to go slower. Totally reasonably for a 20 year old woman to say to a 29 year-old man. What am I missing? I really though it was a rejection, I'll tell you in detail what happened: Two days after the date I've tried to invite her to a coffee and she said "This is going too fast, I'm scared, I don't want this way". Then I just kept things like they were and only continued to talking with her at work. The next day when the subject about "How are we doing?" arised, she told "Things went too fast, it lost the charm". The "lost the charm" part was what killed it for me, at least I understand that like she is not feeling it anymore. Also even now that we are talking again, it's not the same excitement from her part as it was before the "date". 1
hieiz Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 I've been in a similar situation recently and I can tell you, it sucks a lot. Maybe in your case you can have some hope that things will eventually end well. Just don't ever reach out to her, you don't wanna look like a needy guy. Let things go in her pace.
smackie9 Posted September 5, 2018 Posted September 5, 2018 She's put the breaks on getting physical because she's not feeling it. She likes the attention....that's all. You may have found yourself a cuddle buddy....time to bounce. 1
Versacehottie Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 I really though it was a rejection, I'll tell you in detail what happened: Two days after the date I've tried to invite her to a coffee and she said "This is going too fast, I'm scared, I don't want this way". Then I just kept things like they were and only continued to talking with her at work. The next day when the subject about "How are we doing?" arised, she told "Things went too fast, it lost the charm". The "lost the charm" part was what killed it for me, at least I understand that like she is not feeling it anymore. Also even now that we are talking again, it's not the same excitement from her part as it was before the "date". I think she may be regretting or second guessing her decision. It doesn't mean that she is all "in" either. She also may want non-committal friendship with the potential to date in the future so that could be why she is acting like she is currently. Both of these scenarios match up with how she is acting now and how someone might act in her situation. If she is not fully as excited about you as before, I wouldn't give her a ton of attention. You need to keep it where she is not scared or doubting her decision to date you. Part of how you do that is put no pressure (which also means have no expectations). Let her come to you basically and get comfortable each step of the way. Good luck. 1
Author marcusglory2 Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 I've been in a similar situation recently and I can tell you, it sucks a lot. Maybe in your case you can have some hope that things will eventually end well. Just don't ever reach out to her, you don't wanna look like a needy guy. Let things go in her pace. Don't worry the least thing I want is to look needy, just don't want her to think I'm not interested.
Author marcusglory2 Posted September 6, 2018 Author Posted September 6, 2018 She's put the breaks on getting physical because she's not feeling it. She likes the attention....that's all. You may have found yourself a cuddle buddy....time to bounce. About the attention part, I mean, why come after me and ask me to go do things with her? She is really pretty and social, she is in college, clubs a lot, she is that kind of girl that probably has people chasing her everyday, I don't see a reason to need my attention at all. I think she may be regretting or second guessing her decision. It doesn't mean that she is all "in" either. She also may want non-committal friendship with the potential to date in the future so that could be why she is acting like she is currently. Both of these scenarios match up with how she is acting now and how someone might act in her situation. If she is not fully as excited about you as before, I wouldn't give her a ton of attention. You need to keep it where she is not scared or doubting her decision to date you. Part of how you do that is put no pressure (which also means have no expectations). Let her come to you basically and get comfortable each step of the way. Good luck. I like your answer, maybe because that's what I want it to be... I agree with you about the "no pressure", maybe she is initiating with me because I strictly backed off giving her the space she needed, also I've kept our date as a secret at work so maybe I've got some points with this idk. I'm never initiating the talks with her, but I respond with excitment when she comes to me. I pretend to keep things at work like this. I was thinking about offering her a coffee after work someday and see how things go, do you think that would be too aggressive? And what about the invites to group activities with her friends, should I attend them? Maybe I'll be able to gauge her interest level better in a out from work environment. 1
kendahke Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 My main advice in all these situations is: "don't poop where you eat". You are nearly 10 years older than she is. You both are in completely different developmental stages in your life. You're close to 30 and done with all of your development. Her brain is still maturing at 20. Whatever it is that you feel for her I guarantee you, she's not there. You came on too strong and it made her recoil. She's familiar enough with you to come around and talk, but it doesn't mean she wants to be your woman. However, if you're bent on dating her, you first need to tell her what your intentions are and if she's amenable to them. If she is, then pace yourself. If she isn't, then let this go and find someone who doesn't work with you. If things go badly, you still have to deal with them day in and day out--and do you really want to put yourself through that sort of needless torture?
smackie9 Posted September 6, 2018 Posted September 6, 2018 Dude she's 20.....to her the world still revolves around her....most (not all) young attractive 20 year old girls love attention. Young attractive girls who are social know how to push men's buttons to get attention, play with it, suck it all in, then cool off as soon as they make get too close for comfort.
Versacehottie Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 About the attention part, I mean, why come after me and ask me to go do things with her? She is really pretty and social, she is in college, clubs a lot, she is that kind of girl that probably has people chasing her everyday, I don't see a reason to need my attention at all. I like your answer, maybe because that's what I want it to be... I agree with you about the "no pressure", maybe she is initiating with me because I strictly backed off giving her the space she needed, also I've kept our date as a secret at work so maybe I've got some points with this idk. I'm never initiating the talks with her, but I respond with excitment when she comes to me. I pretend to keep things at work like this. I was thinking about offering her a coffee after work someday and see how things go, do you think that would be too aggressive? And what about the invites to group activities with her friends, should I attend them? Maybe I'll be able to gauge her interest level better in a out from work environment. I think you should do what I bolded in your answer. As for asking her for the coffee, that would be the opposite of "having her come to you". She almost needs to ask for that herself being how things are. I would advise letting her make the first move and your move should follow hers and be "less" until she shows you more. IMO. For work/work friends activities, you should accept as you normally would. I wouldn't use these events to advance your cause with her necessarily (also because it's in public essentially)--again, let her make the first moves, and you reciprocate, until the dynamic changes significantly. That's how i think you should do lower pressure & letting her come to you. I think that kind of mental space leaves her the "space" to see what she wants. You should live your life in the meantime. If a flirting or dating opportunity arises with someone else, don't let it pass Good luck
coolheadal Posted September 8, 2018 Posted September 8, 2018 First of all, sorry for my bad english. It's not my main language. So, I've met this girl at work, she is 20 and I'm 29. At first we only talked casually and then as we started to know each other better we felt attraction in a instant because we had a lot of things in common, we started talking a lot at work and then texting after it, she always responded in a span of an hour at most. I decided to ask her to hang out on a Saturday and it ended like a date since I made the move. Everything went fine, we kissed/hold hands and had a nice day. Two days after the date things were different, she said that things were going too fast. I respected her decision and move on with a grief since I've never felt this hard connection with someone. I started to act more profissionally at work and only talk to her when needed, it looks like she did the same. Then after some days she started to slowly come after me to talk about other things, the first thing I though was "ok she likes me for some reason and wants friendship". But since I don't want friendship I've only answered without thinking too much or keeping the talk for a long time. Since last week she talks to me everyday basically, always initiating the subject, things like about our childhood, places she wanna go. For example, yesterday she started talking about the tattoo she is going to do and even asked me if I want to go with her. Today she started talking about a concert we gonna go(not together) and mourn that we couldn't sit together. Then the talk shifted to beachs and she invited me to go to the beach with her and her friend that is in a relationship. I know she is not that interested because of her behavior, we are interacting but not like it was before our date you know, with that excitment, 100% eye contact and lots of texts. I have some female friends and I can tell, it feels different... The way we are it's not like friendship at all and she is not only being polite because of the work since I'm not even going after her. It's like she is giving mixed signals, not totally interested in a romantic way, but also not totally friendly. Like a gray zone, but not from indifference. I don't know maybe is she trying a FWB thing? Or am I overthinking? Even if I'm acting like I've moved on, I know I'm still into her so part of me thinks she is only playing friendship and another part wants to belive her feelings are slowly changing but still uncertain and that's because she is not that interested. I also know that usually the way she act represents her emotional state in THAT moment as I've seen a lot o similar cases where after some months or years things changed and ended in a healthy relationship. "Feelings change like weather" my mother used to say. I should add that even if I'm into her, I'm not being exclusive and I'm still open to another girls that I may meet. But as I said, we had a strong connection so I'd like to know if there's something to do or just keep things the way they are and see what happens in the future. Also don't worry about the work environment, dates between employees are normal here and I'll be leaving by the end of the year. Thank you for the help! She's way to young just getting out of being 18, 19 and now 20. You's not even 21 yet by age 25 you would be more ideal for her to go out like you expect as a experience male at 29. You have 9 years senior on her. I know I say age doesn't matter but she's still a young babe. You expect so much with her. Listen I had the same with a girl too at work not much you can do when they're so young treat her like someone special but as a friend only for now.
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